Wow, I seriously question if you are even a safe person to be with. You are a serious and dangerous serial cheater. What in the world is there here to save? What extraordinary precautions have you taken to ensure she is not abused by you again? Do you ever travel overnight?

Have you been tested for stds?

Let's get this thrad back on track.


Whatever?

I can multitask with the best of them.

In my house the laundry, house cleaning, cooking diner, and watching tv all get done at the same time as I supervise my wife in the aforementioned woman's work.

BUT...how many cars do you make crash in your wake???

See, you probably don't know because unlike us, you don't have eyes in the back of your head like we do: the ones that tell us when the kids are in the back seat cuttin' up and need a stern talking to!

That's just low. AND quite the lovebuster!

All fun aside, I can understand this question and the wondering behind it.

I've been thinking a lot lately on the fact that a BS cannot truly recover fully until they know the WS completely understands what he or she has put the BS through. (Well, not completely understands it - but understands the magnitude.) I think once there is closure on that issue, the resentment turns into something else: sorrow maybe.

Resentment - to me - implies bitterness. The difference of resentment vs grieving the past is an important distinction and hinges on the offending spouse being repentant, in most cases.

The FWS has a lot of deposits to make in the first couple of months - maybe even years - to help move things in the black so that the resentment isn't there.

Sometimes, however, resentment is a choice: something a BS doesn't want to let go of lest the WS forget just how bad he or she was - and the level of hurt caused. We (BS's) don't want them to forget because it lessens the criminal act, perhaps.

So, is resentment only a choice if it deals with infidelity? Yesterday's radio clip indicated that if the husband did not give up his independent gaming behavior, the pregnant wife would feel resentment in years to come, "Why weren't you there when I needed you?"

Isn't resentment a feeling and we feel whatever we feel?

Because these were back to back radio shows, I emailed the
question to the radio show.

I used to multi-task with the best of them. Now, I just look for my glasses and cell phone. And that is multi-tasking for me.

Ok, I think I migh get his point. He is saying if he DOESN'T GIVE IT UP, she will always resent it. The key is: he is still doing it. I THINK. I wish yoU would go ask him, AM.

Something I learned in my Interpersonal Communications class is this:

Something like resentment isn't a primary emotion. We tend to think of it as a feeling, but there are only a handful of true primary emotions: sadness, happiness, and anger. (I may be missing one.)

I'm paraphrasing here (obviously) and I don't remember the whole process (it's been a year) but basically, all secondary emotions/feelings can be traced back to the primary ones.

In relationships, it is important to get down to the primary emotion in order to work through issues. I would tend to say the resentment boils down to both anger and sadness, in various ways. Thus, resentment is something else. It isn't a primary emotion but a reaction TO the primary emotion - which is what secondary emotions usually are.

Does that make sense?

Now I want to go dig out my course workbook and textbook to explain this better....

Shaddup, theroad!

I emailed the radio show today. If they don't talk about it on the show, I will put a post on the weekend forum.

AM

Cool!

Learning how to multitask like a man.


Hobbies are to be enjoyed.
Hobbies are even better shared with your spouse and enjoyed together.
Hobbies are not to come before your spouse.

Hobbies are dangerous when they take precident over spouse and family.
You decide to get married and be a family man then live like a family man.

No room for a single man being married.

For recreational companionship, sometimes my H and I look for our glasses and cell phones together. It's a nice hobby we can share.

AM

Danger Armymamarobinson Danger

You are on the slippery slope acting less Venus and more Mars taking up single tasking.

and for good measure

I read the managing resentment and rebuilding trust chapter in the Surviving the Affair book: if both parties agree to the rules of Protection, etc, what if one is just lying? How do you know they're following the rules so the trust will return?

Simple time and vision.
For actions speak louder then words.
You will see if they are just all talk.

Though natural not to trust after an affair. Even some WS's get super paranoid due to low trust feeling in their WS gut that their BS is going out to do the same and live in fear that a RA may happen.

Also why a WS has to be transparent and hand over all passwords and cell because by the BS verifying NC the BS's fears slowly get displaced and trust slowly moves back to fill the void being left by the feelings of fear retreating.

Here is the question I asked Dr. Harley last week and his response:

Earlier this week (Feb 6), on the radio show you talked about recovery after an affair being incomplete if there is still resentment. On yesterday's show (Feb 7), you talked to Q about her husband's independent behavior of gaming while she is on bed rest for her pregnancy. You made a comment about her resentment potentially being there for years. Isn't an affair the ultimate independent behavior? If there is resentment about gaming, why wouldn't there be resentment years after an affair? How does resentment indicate that recovery is incomplete? What is different about the situation?

Dr. Harley's response:

"The difference between the resentment that follows an affair, and resentment for lesser forms of independent behavior is that the former demands �just compensation� while that latter usually doesn�t. In other words, an affair is so egregious that the only way a marriage can survive after one is for both spouses to make the marriage better than it�s ever been. That compensation tends to wipe out resentment. It�s been my experience that when a marriage is not greatly improved after an affair from what it was before the affair, resentment continues on indefinitely as it does with all independent behavior."

And when I asked whether it was all right to post his response, he replied, "That�s okay, but there are a few nuances to remember. One is to avoid talking about the affair or the resentment of the past will be brought into the present."

AM

Thanks AM - Dr. Harley is such a brilliant man. I believe this is why all lovebusters have to be eliminated. It is the "just compensation" to the other spouse but on a smaller scale. I always understood his saying, "Never be the cause of your spouses unhappiness" as the only way to fully eradicate resentment from the marriage. This can and will only be possible with POJA. Removing everything that can build resentment is strongly encouraged to move forward and POJA must take the spot to replace it all.

Otherwise both spouses fall into renter/renter mentality, which has proven to fail almost all of the time.

Tough~

Thanks for posting that, AM! That makes perfect sense...

I wonder if there is a point at which a BS has hung onto resentment for so long, that recovery will never be possible? I know the 2-year time frame, but that assumes both spouses have been actively engaged in recovery. I've read Dr. H's article on resentment here (in particular S.R.'s sitch and Dr. H's response)...but if the BS is no longer bringing up the A, but simply refuses to engage in R and meet the FWS's top ENs, despite efforts by the FWS...is that due to resentment or something else entirely?