Can any men shed light on the after affects of porn? MrNiceGuy said it above he felt awful.
What was it about the experience that made you feel awful? Are men realizing they aren't connecting to their wives?
When a man doesn't connect to his wife how does he feel?
Does he just compartmentalize it or does it cause him to internally turn to stone?
Those are some GREAT questions. Let me shed some light on them for you.
You asked.. "What was it about the experience that made you feel awful?"
It was much like the "high" people talk about here when someone has an affair. The visual stimulation feels great... in the moment while your high on it .. but when your done with it the after effects leave you feeling depressed and even more empty than before. My excuse was the porn would tide me over til my wife desired me becasue of the rejection or her lack or participation but in the end I felt degraded, and disgusting..
I felt depressed from the lack of connection I wanted with my wife.
I felt like I had betrayed my wife.
I felt lonely and sad, because it was an experience I was not having with my wife that I SOO badly wanted.
I felt embarassed and guilty about my sexual needs like there was something wrong with me.
I felt weak for not having any will power to be able to control my urges or express them to my wife without fear of rejection.
Then I would tell my self after wards each time "This was the LAST time" But for some reason it never was and i hated myself for that. But would often find myself, especially after a week or 2 of tough times with my wife and no need meeting or not of the quality i desired, back at it again and then all those feelings above along with the feeling of worthlessness would kick in. BUT it always felt justified and normal at first! IT was always after the fact that the other feelings kicked in. NEVER During or before... only after.
This would set my mood off and I would be insensitive towards my wife and kids that day if i used porn. I would be feeling resentment towards my wife, because I blamed her for my porn use due to unmet needs. I would be filled with shame because I was not able to stop and because I knew it was wrong but I would always justifiy it because my wife would tell me over and over to stop pressuring her and to let things happen naturally on their own (but my emotional needs would scream at me every few days, where my wife could happily wait weeks). AND SO I also blamed god that my sexual needs were so strong as i tried to pray them away.
This cycle of disconnect created a sexual aversion in my wife for the longest time that fueled the porn to continue. However .. I knew that if I could curb my thoughts and desires long enough and get my wife on board with MB .. that we could turn it all around. And we are 100x better now than when I was engulfed in this disgusting behavior.
You asked ... "When a man doesn't connect to his wife how does he feel?"
I feel insecure .. I feel lonely .. I feel like a pay cheque. I feel unimportant to my wife. I feel unloved.
You asked ... "Does he just compartmentalize it or does it cause him to internally turn to stone?"
It gets compartmentalized at first .. it gets put into a "its no big deal box" but when the other factors come into play the "no big deal box" gets overfilled and the porn spills out of the box first before everything else does that ends up in there. I would only turn to stone internally when I didnt feel safe to talk about it .. or had a solution that i felt would be win win so it would get stuffed back into the "no big deal box" as often as I could .. but it would always pop back out again as if it was saying .. "HEY YOU BETTER DEAL WITH ME OR THERE WILL BE TROUBLE!" and there always was .. one way or another.
Wow ... I said all that? Sorry if i repeated myself a bit. Kinda good to get out. I am SOOO greatful for marriage builders and my AMAZING WIFE! Hopefully this sheds some light on it ... infact it even helps me. No one has ever asked those questions. They are loaded ones thats for sure.