No hope? Have faith! First of all, Dr. Harley reports a good track record of getting things working again once both parties become fully informed. They need to be aware of the other's emotional needs - and meet them. Along with avoiding behavior that hurts the other. Having both of you read His Needs, Her Needs would be a good start.

Sexual fulfillment is a pretty common emotional need for guys. Would he say that you are meeting his needs?

Just curious how others feel about a porn addiction vs. an affair in how they compare in terms of betrayal? Is it essentially the same thing in terms of betrayal for you? Is one betrayal worse than the other? If so why?

Yes many feel that porn addiction is equivalent.

Have you listened to these radio clips of what Dr. Harley has to say?

Radio clip on porn
Radio clip on porn #2

THe language he uses, makes me think he puts them on different level though. He says it's a 'form of infidelity'. Having an EA is much different from having a PA, however, both are forms of infidelity. So I guess that's more what I was thinking and asking about. I understand it's betrayal and that it's wrong and inexcusable, however, I have a hard time of comparing viewing images as comparable to running into the arms of another person. To me it's like asking, "do you do drugs?" Well for both people the answer would be yes, if one states they're smoking Marijuana and the other is doing crack cocaine. Sure they're both drugs and harmful to our bodies, but there is no way they're comparable to each other either.

I'm reminded of an interview with Ted Danson, the actor, that I read years ago. He was a recovering alcoholic, and said that "anything" that takes you away from your loved ones and disrupts your married life is an addiction. He wasn't unfaithful to his wife with another woman; he was unfaithful to his wife and family because he was committed to his addiction of alcohol.

Infidelity is infidelity.

I definitely don't disagree with that at all. I'm not excusing or justifying, rather putting things in their proper context. Having a video game addiction can be harmful to a relationship too, but it doesn't compare to an affair.

Pornography use CAN be compared to an affair because it involves sexual experiences away from your spouse, and with images of exciting women as sexual stimuli. Drugs and alcohol do not involve sexual experiences.

SNMH ~
Believe me when I say I "know", really "KNOW" how you feel!
My heart hurts for you.
Because I do not believe my H when he says he "has no desire to view porn anymore", I am in the process of seeking a professional polygraph examiner!
Yes! Porn is "The Other Woman"!
Porn is "Infidelity"!
Porn is a "deal-breaker" in marriage!
I am also drafting an exposure letter to send to our family and friends regarding H's refusal to do "whatever it takes" to help me get to the "root" of his dishonesty!
At this point, H does NOT see the need of seeking counsel from the incredible MB Veterans right here on this board! He says, "That's not for me!"
Well it IS for me...
I hope your H will do "whatever it takes" to restore love in your marriage by seeking wise counsel right here on this board AND from the Harleys!
Precious one, just know that you ARE NOT ALONE!
Blessings ~
P.S. And, I FINALLY ordered "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley! We have read HNHN and Love Busters... Yet, "Here am I"! STILL hoping that God will change H's heart and mind about doing "whatever it takes" to earn my trust that he is 100% open & honest about everything in his life ~ Past, Present & Future!

Grimreaper, your post and it's replies have been moved to the Other Topics forum. DO NOT disrupt this thread one more time. Final warning.

'It's a guy thing'. 'Nothing to do with you'. It's separate from what I feel for you'. 'You're just as pretty as those women'.

I heard this over and over during my first few years of marriage. After he promised to stop several times, and my finding more, I decided I would not tolerate porn in my house any longer. Once I packed his bags, he got serious about it.

I can't tell you what it did to my self esteem. He WAS cheating in my mind. Stand your ground, and don't listen any longer to someone who uses porn. Of course they will defend it.

Hello...I have been reading what everyone says and would like to throw my hat into the ring. I have been married 8 years - second marriage for both of us.

Yesterday I was using my husband's computer and founds hundreds of porn sites used recently. I casually asked him about it, and he avoided the question. Later he came to me and told me that he has struggled with this for a long time. When I asked what a "long time" was, he said long before we met. When I asked him why he never told me, he said that he can't communicate with me. Later that day I held him tight and reminded him that I love him and want him to trust me enough to deal with this together. He said it was "his" issue, not mine.

A few years ago I had a total knee replacement and have since gained weight. He is now comparing that to his "issue" and turning the conversation to it being my fault. We do have a good physical relationship, but I am so sad and feel betrayed. I worry every time he is on his computer - especially since he works from home while the kids and I are at school.

This is so recent that I am feeling so lost. I will listen to Dr. Harley's radio posts tomorrow. I'm concerned because he has made no implication that he is sorry or that he wants to stop. I know he is embarrassed - but I want to help my marriage succeed. I feel so alone and helpless. I can't help but think that I need to hurry and lose weight so he will stop this. But he said he was dealing with this before we met - and the first 4 years of our marriage I was still thin. Any advise is appreciated, truly.

hushhush, I would most definitely ask him to stop. Before you do that, you should put a keylogger on his computer that only you know about. A good one is eblaster at spectorsoft.com

I think you have to use an software which will help you to monit his internet activity. I know that parental control applications are for best for protect your kids (in my home we have PCWebControl) but I'm pretty sure it'll be also good for your husband.

Any man who feels internet porn is no big deal might want to think about how they would feel if his wife would have webcam sex some days of the week, because he had not met her need for financial support the way she likes.

Honey, I only love you. It's no big deal and these men on the other side of the cam will help meet my need for financial support for the time being. Just until you are up to it again. Don't worry honey, they don' mean anything. I don't appreciate you any less, but you know, a woman has needs. You understand, do you?

Why are you responding to a thread that has been dead since 2012?