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Last edited by IHurtHim; 03/19/12 08:38 PM.
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Do you still work with the OM? Have you answered all of his questions about the affair? Have you opened up your life completely and totally so he has full access to your cell phone, emails, etc? How does he know you are not still seeing this guy? What have you changed?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Also, have you told the kids what you have done? Is the OM married, and if so, has his wife been informed of what you have done to her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Your husband desperately needs the support of others and to see you take action to change. There are a lot of things you can do to show repentance and heal him, but job number one is stop all contact, even work contact with OM and job two is to stop making him keep this horrible secret of yours (If you have not done so already). 1) If you still see this man at the office, quit today before it is too late and you are divorced. Every time you go to work you are triggering your H's feelings of betrayal. You are telling him you are not serious about protecting his feelings. 2)Tell all your family what happened, including your parents and children, what you have done. Tell them you are very sorry for damaging the family and everyone's happiness. Ask for them to support your H while you make amends to him. Assure him you will do anything to help him. If no one knows the truth they must think he's turned into a moody crank. Tell your H's family too and likewise ask them to support him. 3. Change your boundaries around men and present the list of changes to your H. Blame your boundaries for the problem. I honestly did not know that I could hurt him so much. We had good sex but I had grown so apart from him that I did not know how much I meant to him. I hope you do not tell your H this 'grown apart' nonsense, adding insult to injury. This is just defending yourself by blaming him for the condition of the marriage. No one put a gun to your head. You could have divorced or resolved the problem. Every time you use this defence it will anger him. You have poor boundaries around men, you allowed this man to meet ENs. You should pledge to never let another man show you affection, admiration, IC or any of the other ENS ever again. No one but our spouses should meet our needs. 4. Send him here so we can help him.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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We'll need some more data to help you here.
Your ages?
First marriage for each?
Length of marriage?
Ages of children?
Verified (tested) STD absence?
OM's marital status?
One more thing...
I believe we have something that would be hard to find somewhere else.
The tepid commitment to your marriage reflected in that statement might not be sufficient for the struggle ahead of you.
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If you are serious about your family then you should put in your resignation on Monday. To joke with your husband about sleeping with men at your office, especially when you've already actually done it, is disgusting and cruel.
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I believe we have something that would be hard to find somewhere else.
The tepid commitment to your marriage reflected in that statement might not be sufficient for the struggle ahead of you. I couldn't agree more. This is what a woman says about a nice pair of shoes before she is quite done window shopping for the ones she's going to buy. News Flash - You bought this marriage on your wedding day and it is not returnable on a whim. If there's a problem with your purchase, you fix it, you dont look around to find something better. The EPS (your new boundaries which you present in a list to your husband) are how you wil show that you realise you are married for life and that you are done window shopping.
Last edited by indiegirl; 03/17/12 11:03 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I also suggest you change your name, before asking your BH to come here, where we can help him find his footing.
I'm not being snarky - this is SINCERE advice to help you avoid triggering your BHs pain.
I am sorry to inform you, that while your pain is doubtless very heavy and burdensome, you cannot imagine how much more agonising his is. As well as the act itself there is the deception you clung to afterwards. You deceived him that entire period of time.
If he sees any signs that your pain/complaints about the marriage etc are being considered while his pain is still not attended to, he will not react well, nor should he.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I changed my name. The first posting was done just after being slapped around and told to leave. It was reactionary.
Last edited by IHurtHim; 03/18/12 09:30 AM.
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I changed my name. The first posting was done just after being slapped around and told to leave. It was not reactionary. If he has hit you then you should call the police on him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Last edited by IHurtHim; 03/19/12 08:39 PM.
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Thank you.
What about contact with OM? Do you see him? work with him?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Last edited by IHurtHim; 03/19/12 08:39 PM.
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Do you still work with the OM? we do not work together anymore but he is in the same building. First off, if your husband has hit you, then that is a deal breaker. The police should be called and you should separate from your husband. Physical violence is a deal breaker and should never be tolerated. And as long as you still work with the OM, your marriage will never recover. Working in the same building *IS* daily contact that will prevent recovery. But that is all irrelevant if your husband is a wife beater. Call the police and have him arrested.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I appreciate any ideas you can give me to help support my husband. The best support you can get for him right now is to have him thrown in jail. The judge can "support" him by forcing him to go to anger management classes. Your husband needs help, my friend.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you still work with the OM? we do not work together anymore but he is in the same building.
Then YES you do see him or at least know you could and are triggered each time. This is seriously hurting your H that you are in the same vicinity as this man every day. Quitting will help support your husband's recovery. JOB NUMBER ONE
Have you answered all of his questions about the affair? I answered questions early on about the events of the affair. Thus the reason he has such vivid "memories" of what I did to him. Frankly, I do not remember much now. He is always telling me to remember what I felt and then I would understand why we cannot be together any more.
Get this over with to prevent repeated q's and pain. Write down a complete timeline of everything you remember about the A and give it to your H. Say you are willing to answer any follow up questions. Offer to take a polygraph. Say you will take one at any point in the future too
Have you opened up your life completely and totally so he has full access to your cell phone, emails, etc? He has always had my e-mail and phone passwords.
How then did you hide your A? Give him access to the method you used to hide the A.
How does he know you are not still seeing this guy? He does not talk about thinking I am continuing the affair. I do not know if that means he does not think about it. He focuses more on the fat that I ever did it means I am not someone he would want to be with.
He thinks about it. Tries not to, but he does.
What have you changed? We have talked through the boundaries issue so we have established rules there. The biggest rule is that I do not go to lunch one-on-one with men any more.
You need more thant that. Read up on EPs
He is a stay at home dad and I did not show enough appreciation for what he did for our family. I make sure to thank him for what he does everyday and to tell him I appreciate how he takes care of himself as well. He is an amazing man.
I would SHOW appreciation by paying him Just Compensation with a polygraph, and a post nup promising him everything and full custody if you divorce due to any more adultery. etc.
Also, have you told the kids what you have done? The kids were woken and informed by my husband the night I told him. The next day I left the house for a week (per his request). He asked me to come back. The kids are very aware of the situation because we have not controlled our fighting in front of them.
Have you told the kids you were wrong and have no excuse?
Regarding "Your husband desperately needs the support of others and to see you take action to change. ", my husband will not tell anyone else. I told my family when I was out of the house the first week. My husband hates the fact that I did that. He is humiliated that I would betray him. He will not tell his parents. I am the only support he has and I fear I am not enough.
You arent I'm afraid. Many BSs fear telling others until they hear others stories. Send him here for the support of other betrayed spouses who can help him.
Regarding "Send him here so we can help him." He is not very open to getting help from others.
It's his choice entirely of course. Tell him about this thread and invite him to read it. You should be very open about everything you do anyway.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I changed my name. The first posting was done just after being slapped around and told to leave. It was not reactionary. I missed this. That is unacceptable. Call the police. Just as he should not enable unacceptable behaviour from you, you should not accept it from him. You will never have a healthy marriage if you let this stuff slide.
Last edited by indiegirl; 03/17/12 03:23 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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We're all for helping people fix their marriages after infidelity, but we don't ever suggest to someone that they put up with physical beatings.
That has to stop first before anything else can be done.
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I'm here to support those giving you the correct advice.
If he has vented his anger by physically assaulting you
GET OUT NOW !!!
Whatever is going to happen to repair your marriage
in the future, this takes precedence. You cannot
even consider those issues until your person is safe
from intimidation and violence.
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Jail therapy is one of the quickest ways to resolve an anger problem.
At least, that's what my anger management therapist told me.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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