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Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. #2639110
06/23/12 07:53 PM
06/23/12 07:53 PM
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Empire1979 Offline OP
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Im hurting so bad and I have no one to talk to about this . I dont know what to do. Please help me. My wigfe and I have been married for 3 years and dated 2 years prior we have no chldren together but I have 2 from a prior marriage and she has 1 from her prior marriage . Wehavent always had the best marriage . We fought about our exes and the kids ..A blended family is always hard on a marriage . So i began to have small white lies to stop arguments and then I got caught in them and they grew out of control . The lying the exes the kids put a real stress on our relationship . But I never had a ned or want for another woman . So we decided that things were getting bad so I moved out and had been in my new place about 6 months ..Butmind you I still seen my wife about 5 days a week and we still had a very happy sex life . about 3 to 5 times a week we also talked daily on the phone and went to dinner even simple task as walmart . Well she was over my house about two weeks ago and I was helping her with some computer stuff and was on her phone . well I seen a picture of her with hjer head on the bare chest of another man . I freaked out I asked her what was going on ..I seen this guy before and she said that they were just friends but not that long . Finally she admitted to sending him sext messages , and some breast pics and that they have had sex twice. but this all happened with in a 4 week period and she cut if off. She has no contact with this guy no longer and has even stopped the thing she was doing that had them two meet . Now I know I have lied and done some stupid things in the past but I never would of thought about being with another woman . I would be shaking in my pants if I was even in the room alone with a woman in a situation like that . That said I love my wife to no end and I want us to work out , she is having a hard time forgiving herself and I dont make it any better because my mind will not stop thinking about them together . And I keep bringing it up and asking how could she and asking for details when I know I shouldnt . but i feel i need to know but she wont tell me.... All i know is that they touched each other and made out the first time , second time they ending up having protected sex in the missionary postion and the second ime they gave each other oral and had protected sex missionary again... then the guilt of her lying to me and the secret got two her and she ended it and then three weeks after her last sexual time with him she told me. My question is how do I get those images and thought out of my head and move past this , or is that possiable can things be the way they were before or will this always be on my mind or should i just deal with the hurt and move on and get divorced? I pray daily for help ...but I still feel so hurt Please help

Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639115
06/23/12 08:13 PM
06/23/12 08:13 PM
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Empire1979 hopefully some of the vets will come along and give you advise. I can tell you from experience you can get over the images in your head.

Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639117
06/23/12 08:23 PM
06/23/12 08:23 PM
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Originally Posted By: Empire1979
My question is how do I get those images and thought out of my head and move past this , or is that possiable can things be the way they were before or will this always be on my mind or should i just deal with the hurt and move on and get divorced? I pray daily for help ...but I still feel so hurt Please help


Yes, you can get over it in time *IF* you change your marriage. If you go back to what you had before, you will GET what you had before: a separation and an affair. I don't think you want that.

Are you still separated? That is a huge part of the problem. WHY did you move out?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639118
06/23/12 08:23 PM
06/23/12 08:23 PM
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Is the guy married? If so, his wife should be told by you. And you should also confront this man and run him off.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: MelodyLane] #2639120
06/23/12 08:26 PM
06/23/12 08:26 PM
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Empire this is the one that I was hoping would post. IF you follow her advise you can have a happy marriage. Mel was able to help me tremendously.

Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639121
06/23/12 08:27 PM
06/23/12 08:27 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
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Originally Posted By: Empire1979
Im hurting so bad and I have no one to talk to about this . I dont know what to do. Please help me. My wigfe and I have been married for 3 years and dated 2 years prior we have no chldren together but I have 2 from a prior marriage and she has 1 from her prior marriage .

Wehavent always had the best marriage . We fought about our exes and the kids ..A blended family is always hard on a marriage . So i began to have small white lies to stop arguments and then I got caught in them and they grew out of control . The lying the exes the kids put a real stress on our relationship . But I never had a ned or want for another woman . So we decided that things were getting bad so I moved out and had been in my new place about 6 months ..Butmind you I still seen my wife about 5 days a week and we still had a very happy sex life .

about 3 to 5 times a week we also talked daily on the phone and went to dinner even simple task as walmart . Well she was over my house about two weeks ago and I was helping her with some computer stuff and was on her phone . well I seen a picture of her with hjer head on the bare chest of another man . I freaked out I asked her what was going on ..I seen this guy before and she said that they were just friends but not that long .

Finally she admitted to sending him sext messages , and some breast pics and that they have had sex twice. but this all happened with in a 4 week period and she cut if off. She has no contact with this guy no longer and has even stopped the thing she was doing that had them two meet .

Now I know I have lied and done some stupid things in the past but I never would of thought about being with another woman . I would be shaking in my pants if I was even in the room alone with a woman in a situation like that . That said I love my wife to no end and I want us to work out , she is having a hard time forgiving herself and I dont make it any better because my mind will not stop thinking about them together . And I keep bringing it up and asking how could she and asking for details when I know I shouldnt . but i feel i need to know but she wont tell me.... All i know is that they touched each other and made out the first time , second time they ending up having protected sex in the missionary postion and the second ime they gave each other oral and had protected sex missionary again... then the guilt of her lying to me and the secret got two her and she ended it and then three weeks after her last sexual time with him she told me. My question is how do I get those images and thought out of my head and move past this , or is that possiable can things be the way they were before or will this always be on my mind or should i just deal with the hurt and move on and get divorced? I pray daily for help ...but I still feel so hurt Please help


Welcome, Empire. Understand: you have every right to know about every detail of you WW's affair.

Who is the OM? Does she work with him?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: MelodyLane] #2639123
06/23/12 08:33 PM
06/23/12 08:33 PM
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Empire1979 Offline OP
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We are in the reconsile stage . I am still living in a seperate house but we stay together a lot since all this came out . The guy is not married and I cannot let my wrath get the best of me . He is no longer a issue she has cut all contact . I moved out cause we were at each other daily . Over nothing really . It was like a safty area we would spend time with each other and when things started getting bad we had nuetral corners to go to. We both have been seeing a Church counsiler seperatlly and he will have us meet together at some point . She tells me she cant stand how much hurt and pan she did to me she feels like a whore when she is around me she fells shame fool for what she did . But maybe Im being selfish , but I think she should those images haunt me daily ... and its because of her and her choices. But I love her so much I dont want her to be in pain . I want her hear with me but The topic always goes back to what she did ...Maybe it will go away with time but how much time

Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639124
06/23/12 08:36 PM
06/23/12 08:36 PM
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Empire1979 Offline OP
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She doesnt have contact withhiom no longer they only knew each other for 2 months before she ended everything . She worked out at Zumba and him and another guy came there to sell shakes and I guess he gave her some speal about how she could sell it to and be self employeed and then thats how it started ...

Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639125
06/23/12 08:41 PM
06/23/12 08:41 PM
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Empire it has already be said that you are entitled to the whole truth about you wife's affair. Radically honestly is a beginning. The first thing you should do is move back into the family home. Then get rid of the counselor and read up on MB principles.

Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639126
06/23/12 08:41 PM
06/23/12 08:41 PM
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MelodyLane Offline
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Your separation has led to this terrible place and it will not get any better unless you live together as man and wife. Separation LEADS TO AFFAIRS and it dramatically increases the risk of divorce. So if you are serious about saving your marriage, you need to move home and stop damaging your marriage.

The solution to a bad marriage is not to move out and cause MORE damage but to work to turn it around. You obviously can't fix the marriage if you are not there.

So, move home and start working on your marriage. STOP fighting and start using the Marriage Builders progam to restore the romantic love in your marriage.

In your situation, I would immediately the get the book Lovebusters and read the first 5 chapters with your wife. Do the lessons at the end of each chapter together.

I have a bad feeling she won't allow you to move home, will she? Was it her idea that you move out? Perhaps to give her "space?"


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639127
06/23/12 08:42 PM
06/23/12 08:42 PM
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Originally Posted By: Empire1979
She doesnt have contact withhiom no longer they only knew each other for 2 months before she ended everything . She worked out at Zumba and him and another guy came there to sell shakes and I guess he gave her some speal about how she could sell it to and be self employeed and then thats how it started ...


Did your wife ask you to move out so she could have some "space?"


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639128
06/23/12 08:43 PM
06/23/12 08:43 PM
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Quote:
We are in the reconsile stage . I am still living in a seperate house but we stay together a lot since all this came out .
You are nowhere near to reconciling if you are living in separate houses.
Quote:
I moved out cause we were at each other daily . Over nothing really
. You moved out over "nothing really"?? What are you going to do when the going gets really tough? You, sir, are a renter.

Can you bring your wife here?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: maritalbliss] #2639129
06/23/12 08:47 PM
06/23/12 08:47 PM
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In other words, separation took a garden variety marriage problem that could have been easily resolved and added a DEVASTATING problem that will take years to recover from.

Separation compounded your problems and may very well destroy your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: MelodyLane] #2639130
06/23/12 08:48 PM
06/23/12 08:48 PM
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Empire1979 Offline OP
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No we agreed to for me to move out . Wethough it was best cause we werent happy but two weeks after I was out we got along better than ever? cause I fell we both knew we could escape if issues arrived. I think im ready to move home one day then the next Im like i will just argue my point s and bring it up daily hurting her more and then resentment will set in ..I dont want that .

Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639131
06/23/12 08:50 PM
06/23/12 08:50 PM
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Empire1979 Offline OP
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sorry for my typing errors my mind is going faster than my fingers

Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639132
06/23/12 08:52 PM
06/23/12 08:52 PM
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Empire1979 Offline OP
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No I meant we argues over nothing really ...Not that I moved out because of that ..It was daily That we would start a fight with each other over nothing because there was under lying issues

Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639133
06/23/12 08:52 PM
06/23/12 08:52 PM
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Originally Posted By: Empire1979
sorry for my typing errors my mind is going faster than my fingers
My typing fingers are slow: ready? MOVE. BACK. HOME.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639134
06/23/12 08:53 PM
06/23/12 08:53 PM
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MelodyLane Offline
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Originally Posted By: Empire1979
No we agreed to for me to move out . Wethough it was best cause we werent happy but two weeks after I was out we got along better than ever?


But separation does not resolve fighting. Stopping the fighting is what resolves fighting. Sure, you artificially reduced fighting because you weren't together TO fight.

That doesn't mean you learned better conflict resolution skills.

You have not resolved the fighting at all. All you have done is add new problems to your marriage and they may be insurmountable now. It is much easier to resolve fighting than it is the devastation of an affair.

If you want to recover your marriage you need to go home and learn to stop fighting. You aren't going to learn that if you aren't living together as a married couple.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639135
06/23/12 08:53 PM
06/23/12 08:53 PM
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Originally Posted By: Empire1979
No I meant we argues over nothing really ...Not that I moved out because of that ..It was daily That we would start a fight with each other over nothing because there was under lying issues


What underlying issues?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Re: Getting over my wife sleeping with another Man. [Re: Empire1979] #2639136
06/23/12 08:54 PM
06/23/12 08:54 PM
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How about tell us what the underlying issues are if you want to put your marriage back together again.

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