I understand UA to be undivided attention to your spouse and that it is recommended you have 2-3 hours a day of this. My question how can this even be possible when two spouses work full time and they have young kids and do not have any family or friends who can help watch the kids. And they never have any UA and if they do they are so exhausted they just want to go to sleep?

Also what do people do with UA time when they are first starting out this program and they want nothing to do with the other person. How do you force yourself to plan and do this part? Also, do you trade off who plans what to do and when to do it? I have always been the one to have to plan and make arrangements if we are to have a date. My DH is too embarrassed to call a babysitter to watch the kids thinking its wierd and they might think he is stalking them.

I read the article on it but I just dont see how its possible for us? I know its important but seems unreachable.

Any suggestions?

You sit down and schedule it together and you make it a priority.

Have you seen these?
The Critical Importance of UA
The Recreational Enjoyment Inventory

but my question is more to the fact of how can people do this if they dont have anyone to watch the kids and they both work full time or more. an employer is not going to just let you take off 15 hours of work each week to spend time with your spouse. Also its recommended for couples who are in dire states to spend 30 or more hours a week or even take leaves of absence to do this. That is totally not feasible for us to do. We cant even take vacations let alone a night for ourselves. I know it needs to be priority b

ut if you dont have the ability to do it what does one do?

For example here is our weekly schedule:

Hours available per week = 168 hours

Adjusted hours for wake time during week: 80
Adjusted hours for wake time during weekend: 30
Total adjusted available hours = 110

Hours worked per week = 50
Hours spent commuting = 10
Hours spent getting ready for the morning = 7
Hours spent getting ready for bed = 4
Hours spent putting kids to bed = 7
Hours spent for groceries/errands = 4
Hours spent making dinner/breakfast/lunch/eating = 14
Hours spent for kids swim lessons = 1.5
Hours spent for counseling sessions = 2
Hours spent with kids = 7

Total Hours Used= 106.5


Total hours remaining = 3.5

so does this seem realistic to anyone? Does anyone elses schedule look like this? Or am I missing something? I hate to cut out time from spending with the kids as we only spend like an hour a day with them if even that much. And since we both work f/t the weekends are spent doing errands and stuff we cant get done during the week. I guess I can cut out time cooking and eating and we could just eat cereal from now on. ha!

Why does it take 7 hours to put the kids to bed?

Something has to give.

I think it's quite common for the woman to plan the dates in a marriage rather than the man to (this is quite the opposite of when we were dating). He leaves it up to me, since he would be content to sit on a couch all night and I tend to do the 'scheduling' as mothers seem to be apt to.

There is often a possibility of downsizing - so many people think they need a big house, a bedroom for each child, two cars, etc. People hate the idea of public transport or making kids share rooms. Not me. We live in a house that is below our income, which suits our needs (not perfectly but fine enough). IMO if people can do just fine in everywhere else on the planet in this manner, we can too. North Americans, we are often spoiled on our space and think we can't cope without our luxuries.

This can free up some funds for babysitting.

Another possibility, if it exists for you, is to create a dramatic life change. This is what we did. We moved to my H's hometown, which was 5000km away, because we knew his family could babysit. It took years to arrange and a lot of work, but now that we have 2 little ones (under 2), it was well worth it.

It's not impossible to find the UA time, but it often involves moving out of a comfort zone, particularly when you have young children.

We daydream about UA time when the kids are old enough to be left alone at night and weekends. I hope our sons will be embarrassed of their parents acting like dating teens.

I read your other thread. I do sympathize for you, I also had terrible PND with my 1st and I can't imagine the stress of having a special needs child.

It does seem that you have a consistent "it's hopeless" attitude towards everything in your marriage. That's not uncommon with depression, which may cloud your judgment on how best to fix your marriage (maybe it is, maybe it isn't, I don't know).

You said that both of you are overweight and that you hate your body. That physical attraction is not there. I would highly suggest implementing a method of UA time at the gym, which is our main activity. Child care for older children does exist at many gyms, and while it may be tiring, you may find it also helps with any depression and exhaustion.

Thats probably a low number. That includes bath time, brushing teeth, potty, getting into bed, reading, talking, snuggling, etc. They are only 4 and 7 and the oldest has aspergers so they are not self sufficient yet and require the above.

I have asked my husband many times to go to the gym with me which has childcare but he refuses. so I do go alone when I find the time with the kids.

We are unable to sell our house because our mortgage is under water so to speak. I was recently unemployed for the past 9 months and will be going back to work. My husband doesnt make enough money to pay for all our bills but luckily we had enough in savings to help and now I got a job so money is not the issue, its the resources.

I would love to move closer to family, we are now about 1500 miles away from both of our families, but our parents are too old to watch our kids and other family wont. They dont want to be burdened with our boys since our oldest has aspergers and is also ADHD and can be difficult to handle.

My husband wanted me to get a job and didnt want me to stay at home so even though I love being a SAHM and being with my kids I never had the opportunity to really enjoy it because of the pressure my husband put on me to find a job. I have always made more money than him. I have a BS he has an AAS.

He would never downsize as he likes his toys and stuff and I would be happy with half of it. when I suggest getting rid of satellite tv or a car or whatever he finds an excuse not to.

Its rough. I am just so tired and want a change but am so deep in this hole im not sure if I can get out.

I sincerely appreciate all of you offering your suggestions and comments and I am trying very hard to take them all in and reflect on them. Thank you.

My H and I did p90x in our basement, you could do that.

Put the kids in bed at 8pm, and spend from 8 until 10pm every day on UA time.

Look at your finances and see if one of you can cut to part-time work or telecommuniting. When I became a SAHM, we had to figure out how to live on half our previous income. We managed just fine, and surprisingly, with my H as the sole breadwinner, he managed to take his income and more than triple it over the next five years. Other than buying the boat, we still live the same as we did back then.

Of your timetable, I think you could cut down the hours needed for getting up and going to bed--I can get up and out the door in a half hour, including the four children and H. We do it nearly every Sunday, lol!

Groceries, errands, and meal prep can be done together with your H and even though some of it may not qualify as UA, the time together on shared goals will enhance your marriage.

Can you and your H commute together? Would it be possible for one of you to change jobs so you can? Even if it means leaving home a few minutes earlier, and one of you hanging out a few minutes later at the office, you'd have two hours a day alone in the car together to connect.

Thank you for your suggestions.

Ive asked him to workout with me at home and he wont. he just wants to watch tv or play video games. We hae Wiifit and Px90 and he wont.

I just took a job so I cant do part time or telecommuting unfortunately. Also we both work in separate directions in a very large city, Houston and have different work hours so carpooling together isnt an option. Unless one of us wants to drive almost 2 hours each day each way. I am already not happy with having to drive 2 hours a day. He only has a 20 minute commute each way. But he wanted me to get a job and this is what I got!

Do you shower and do your hair and makup in 1/2 hour? As a SAHM I can get ready in 1/2 hour too but now that I am working I have to look a little better than I do as a SAHM. KwiM?

We both cant do errands and meal prep and such as someone has to be with the kids so its always left up to me mostly.

Ive asked him to ask about changing his work hours or changing jobs but he refuses. He wont even talk about it. :-(

Hopeless,

You are very defeated. Perhaps you should call the coaching centre. We can offer you solutions until the cows come home but if you are going to shoot them all down, we can't help.

I have been a professional woman in an office and a SAHM, neither requires me more than 5-10 minutes to get ready. You can shower at night, leave your clothes out for the next day, and do a quick makeup in the mirror. Unless you are a magazine model, then there is really no need to do further than that, as much as you would want to look 'better' than that.

I take my showers at night so that Mr. Alis and I have enough time for fresh morning SF. Sure, it would be nice to be all purdied up for the office each day but there's only one man I need to look smoking hot for - the rest of them, I can look like I bathed and brushed my hair and wore a bit of eyeliner.

You said in your other thread that you hate your husband and that the UA concept cannot possibly work for you. Marriage Builders can fix your marriage if you and your husband commit to it, but you need to get out of your comfort zone and vortex of anger/woes/'we can't do it'. With all due respect, Dr Harley has saved marriages that have endured even worse than what yours has...

Unless you are here to justify filing for divorce? That is your prerogative.

The biggest step you can take right now out of your comfort zone to try and fix this, is to bring your husband here to us.

I can shower, do makeup and hair in 30-40 minutes. I do it everyday before work.

Thanks for your advice. point taken. I will work harder at all of this. I am no super model at all, hardly even nice looking but I try my best to look descent in public at the least. I can shower at night but dont want to go all bed head looking to work, so i still need to shower in the morning or at least wet my hair and dry it again. I am no way near smoking hot or even descent looking but I want to be at least clean and try to look descent. Lucky that you can get ready in 5-10 minutes. Do you have kids to make breakfast for and to get dressed and teeth and hair brushed too in that 5 minutes. And sex even more lucky! We havent done that in probably 6 months! I know my situation is not as bad as some but for me its my life and its not how I want it to be. i dont know if it will change or not but I am doing my best with what I have and I appreciate your suggestions and will work on taking them more to heart.

Hey! .. dont be so hard on yourself. Your hubby married you didnt he? It only matters if HE finds you attractive. Who cares what everyone else thinks.

One thing (if you feel that your overweight or whatever) that i did was stop eating white rice .. and white pastas and cut back on sugars. Replace white pastas with whole grain pasta or flax seed pasta. And eat more veggies than carbs infact fill up on veggies like BOK CHOY (omg that stuff is to die for if steamed in chicken broth, heck all our veggies are steamed in chicken broth now). YOu will be hungry sooner .. but thats ok. DOing that alone i lost 20lbs in 3 months cutting out the white pastas and rice and sugars. Add in a walk in the evening with my wife and kids .. and im slowly getting into shape! We even got a treadmill and that has helped my wife tremendously. She uses it 3x a week. We both started off at 15mins a day on it and SLOWLY worked our way up to 30 mins (my wifes at 45mins now) What you do today for yourself improvement is your gains for tomorrow. They are never right away. Stick with it .. encourage each other and before ya know it you will be feeling great about your self. Make small attainable goals in regards to your health .. not large ones and it wont seem so impossible.

You can do it! Get your hubby to go for a walk with you after supper each day. Chat about life ... and goals ... etc.

MNG

Yes, my children are much younger than yours and I am 7 months pregnant. Believe me, I am not sitting here to say it is easy at all, and the last thing most 7 month pregnant women want to do at 4:45-5am is have sex or at least perform other acts to fulfill an H's need for SF but you'd be surprised how much of this is getting out of a rut and into a new habit. And here I am, the world's grumpiest alarm-snoozer-at-9am now enjoying 5am SF when 7 months. It took time to get there and recognize the importance of making the time.

You're right - your situation is not good. But my point is that you are not dealing with a partner who beats you, a man who has run up your credit cards on prostitutes, etc. you're dealing with a withdrawn marriage where both have fallen into some terrible habits, losing a grip on what your marriage should be, and hence leaving it 'hopeless'. If Dr. Harley has actually saved formerly abusive marriages (following safety plans) and even marriages involving prostitutes and other children, then surely there IS hope for yours.

Good post Alis!