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#2656080 - 08/14/12 05:44 AM Unwanted pregnancy and how to support?
Caracal Offline
Member

Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 1428
Loc: Australia
Hi all,

I am not really sure where to post this... it is not to do with a marriage.

I have just learned that a loved one is expecting a child. A de facto relationship (in Aus this is living together for 6+ months). He is upset. He had made clear he did not want children although clearly did not take action to ensure this. He is frustrated, and I suspect his resentment will grow.

I have not had to face him yet... I heard about the "blessing" from others. I suspect he will contact me tomorrow.

I have mixed emotions. I know he did not want children. I feel he has been conned by his partner, but given my own situation I am hardly objective.

How do I go about supporting him, and what is said when a pregnancy is not planned? I can't congratulate! I think he has made a huge mistake, but want to give the right advice. Given this is triggering me, I want to be sure what the right advice actually is!!!

This relationship is not MB and I know the relationship is doomed. Before the pregnancy I suspected the relationship was doomed. What on earth do I say???
_________________________
Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."

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#2656083 - 08/14/12 06:36 AM Re: Unwanted pregnancy and how to support? [Re: Caracal]
alis Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1145
It's not the ideal situation (or even a good one) but there is nothing wrong with congratulating him on his child. A child is still a blessing. I don't think there's much you can offer in terms of advice. He is sleeping with someone when clearly somewhat uncommitted and it is only natural that a pregnancy will eventually result. Whether or not you feel he was "conned" (perhaps she feels he is dine & dashing? perspective...), he has a responsibility that comes along with the territory. The child has been created and unless they go for adoption or termination, then there is no sense poisoning a future co-parenting situation with such animosity. It's happened. They will need to learn to work together about it for the sake of an innocent child who had no choice in the matter.

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#2656097 - 08/14/12 07:49 AM Re: Unwanted pregnancy and how to support? [Re: alis]
TheRoad Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/07
Posts: 5538
Never seeks to amaze me that a man complains that the low life trailer park **EDIT** tricked me into knocking her up.

What did he suspect?

Basic biology. When a man **EDIT** then complains that a baby is in the oven against his own free will.

Did this trailer park temptress hold a gun to his head to force him to copulate?

There is no 100% protection against contraception. People have gotten pregnant on the pill, vasectomies have been know to fail.

**EDIT** Unfortuantely people have sex with anyone instead of possible good marraige material partners incase something as an unwanted pregnancy happens.

Or the selfesh person that has to put his control stick in when he does not want kids.


Edited by CicadaMB (08/14/12 11:41 AM)
Edit Reason: TOS

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#2656123 - 08/14/12 09:22 AM Re: Unwanted pregnancy and how to support? [Re: TheRoad]
CWMI Offline
Member

Registered: 10/18/08
Posts: 5437
You're hearing second hand about him being upset and frustrated.

Why does your family seem to dislike this woman he has chosen to live with and have sex with?

The right advice, imo, would be to give him HNHN for Parents and use whatever influence you have to encourage him to do the honorable thing and make his family official. And then to continue to be an honorable man, forever, using the tools available at MB.

I feel really sorry for the girl here, especially in light of my own situation. Unknown to me, everyone in my H's family knew he never wanted kids. We got together, and I already had one child, and let him know that I wanted another, I wanted my son to have siblings. He said he wanted kids, too. So we planned two children together. WE planned it. Then we had a third, unplanned. Then he told me that the only reason he'd said he wanted children was because he thought he couln't have any. Essentially, *I* was branded as a conner by his family, even though that was the exact opposite of the truth.

So be careful when you don't know what he has been telling her.
_________________________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)

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#2656180 - 08/14/12 11:40 AM Re: Unwanted pregnancy and how to support? [Re: CWMI]
CWMI Offline
Member

Registered: 10/18/08
Posts: 5437
Ugh, talk about triggered! That's me, on this post!

After the 'never wanted to have kids' conversation, my H admitted that he told me he wanted to have kids because he thought I would dump him if he didn't. Damn skippy! I was approaching 30, and not game for committed relationships that wouldn't lead to marriage and children. I didn't force him or talk him into it, I stated what I wanted and he said, "Me, too!" Before we got married! He had ample time to tell me he didn't want kids (and not dating a woman with a child already would have been a good move on his part).

Anyway, please refrain from calling her a con until you know the full story.

My H's aunt said, IN FRONT OF OUR KIDS, that H never wanted children. Yeah, we don't see her anymore after I told her, in front of the kids, that that was a strange thing to say considering the children were planned. Grrr...
_________________________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)

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#2656193 - 08/14/12 12:24 PM Re: Unwanted pregnancy and how to support? [Re: Caracal]
NeverGuessed Offline
Member

Registered: 03/06/10
Posts: 6352
Loc: New York
Caracal, please be very careful here. You are NOT part of this "de facto relationship". For good or ill, pregnancy or not, by virtue of his co-habitation Mr. Lucky has crossed some kind of threshold into a civilly-recognized union. This is only made more (not less) proprietary by the existence of a potential child. He should no more be discussing his intimate problems with you, than my wife should have been discussing her marital dissatisfaction with the late POSOM.

You wish him luck in coming to a mutually agreeable resolution between the two of them, and you hang up, or escort him to the door.

May that be hard for you? Yes! But rules and principles are only in place to assist when the unsupported choices ARE hard.
_________________________
If the HEARTS of our enemies, Lord, cannot be turned,
then let their ANKLES be,
so we may know them by their limping!
My Story
Addenda

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#2656198 - 08/14/12 12:52 PM Re: Unwanted pregnancy and how to support? [Re: NeverGuessed]
CWMI Offline
Member

Registered: 10/18/08
Posts: 5437
Wish him luck in resolution to a pregnancy? I don't see how an impending child needs resolution.

It needs parents in a mutallly supportive relationship.

Ya know. MB 101 stuff. If these parents don't have it, then give it to them as a gift, before the booties and blankies. Families need support, not meh, not my business. Don't force-feed, but dang, don't turn a blind eye on your loved one's troubles because it's none of your business! This is a major problem in our world. People won't get involved when asked, because its none of their business.

It is why exposure often fails.
_________________________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)

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#2656206 - 08/14/12 01:59 PM Re: Unwanted pregnancy and how to support? [Re: CWMI]
NeverGuessed Offline
Member

Registered: 03/06/10
Posts: 6352
Loc: New York
You're debating a premise that was not presented to us, CWMI.

Caracal has not asked us to recommend a plan to assist them - AS A COUPLE - in their rebuilding a relationship, and her thankfully honest words betray her bias in this matter. ("This relationship is not MB and I know the relationship is doomed. Before the pregnancy I suspected the relationship was doomed.") Her getting involved to assist the male escape this supposedly "doomed" situation would likely not end well, nor reflect well on Caracal.

If she cannot, as hinted, wholeheartedly urge him to man up and take responsibility for the results of his own actions, "surprise" though they be, she should not assist him in bolting, IMHO.
_________________________
If the HEARTS of our enemies, Lord, cannot be turned,
then let their ANKLES be,
so we may know them by their limping!
My Story
Addenda

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#2656208 - 08/14/12 02:06 PM Re: Unwanted pregnancy and how to support? [Re: NeverGuessed]
CWMI Offline
Member

Registered: 10/18/08
Posts: 5437
My mistake. I thought she asked for the right advice. Not advice that agreed with her premise of being a doomed relationship and unplanned and omg omg. smile
_________________________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)

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#2656303 - 08/14/12 10:13 PM Re: Unwanted pregnancy and how to support? [Re: CWMI]
kilted_thrower Offline
Member

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1698
Loc: Oklahoma City, Ok
What do you mean conned? How do you think he was conned?

Now I have 2 daughters from an ex wife that purposefully stopped taking birth control and did not inform me until after she was pregnant... Twice.

We are divorced now.
_________________________
Husband (me) 36
Wife 33
Daughter 17
Daughter 15
Son 10
Daughter 6
Son 4 (autistic)


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