My husband of 20 yrs & 2 kids, 10 & 7 is having an affair since Dec 11 & moved in with her since Apr 12. Separated but won't divorce, still come home on weekends for kids. He still loves the kids. Basically, he wants everything status quo & continue with affair. Our relationship prior to affair was dying. Limited communication & almost no sex, no hugs or kisses.

He has been on few occassions, unfaithful when young, before marriage but not a womanizer, just a drinker & smoker. He is 46 yrs old. But he is a self-centered person, not financially responsible or caring.

The children & I still love him dearly, although he puts her as priority now. He wouldn't end the affair & I can see its not easy for him to get out of the relationship now.

Divorce is not the best option now, so I decided to move on while waiting for the affair to fizzle out. If he comes back remorseful, I'll give it one more try, otherwise I will divorce when kids grow up a bit.

Has anyone come across or experienced waiting out the situation like me? What can be expected?

Welcome to MB and sorry for what has brought you here.

He is cake eating and having two women meeting his EN.

Have you exposed his affair? Please read these.
Exposure 101
Thread to help newly betrayed posters

Get the book Surviving An Affair. Wait, before you know it there will be lots of people with the knowledge to help you. I'm to drained tonight.

You will need to expose the affair. Learn how to do a plan A. Eventually draw the line and not let WH go back an forth between OW house and your's.

Also when you say he's a drinker, do you mean he's an alcoholic?

Read this.
How to Survive An Affair

Since Discovery Day end Apr 12, I've been reading for months about affairs, fog, cake eating, Plan A & B etc. Exposure doesn't work on such a self-centered person. His siblings know about it, their pub friends bless them, his office staff comforts him when they fight. When he wants to pursue something in life, nothing stops him, not even his children. I let him back on weekends for children's sake. They are still close, I can't bear to see them without fatherly love like their friends, not at this age.

We went through financial difficulties which led him to this lifestyle, drinking regularly at the pub, but not an alcoholic. After, so many years, this is the first time he got hooked on someone. She is a pub manager cum owner, she is rich, 40 & husband passed away. His financial & career has always been marginal or never been really successful, perhaps he finds some kind of feeling when being with her. Whatever, there is no excuse for such actions. He has low moral value whereas I am the opposite.

He was not financially committed to the family earlier, I shouldered the household burden. Now he pays kids expenses monthly regardless of a huge credit card outstanding, which I don't care. He has been someone without savings from young, only debts since he started working & I helped him extensively during his employment or business till I exhausted all my savings. Maybe, that's why he wouldn't divorce me even if he has grown out of love from me. He knows I take good care of the family, children & finances. Ideally, that's what a wife should be not some kind of woman who drinks & entertain different men very night.

I know the risk & consequences I will face for the decision to wait out the situation. I couldn't find much to read about how men feel or what they will do after affair fizzles out. I can imagine how he feels now, but not after the affair burns out, I can't imagine what will happen to us.

So why don't you get yourself out of his abuse and drama?

Get into Plan B and start to heal.
How to Plan B Correctly

Do you have a lawyer?

Also please read this.
BSs... Plan C is not a Plan!

Yeah, guess I'm a plan C er. I did bring up the subject of divorce but he disagreed. A divorce which is not mutually agreed is lengthy & costly. I don't want to incur any extra costs now, I'm saving up again. I'm squeezing money out of him to pay for my other things, new car, new house. So far, he agreed out of some guilt, I guess.
On paper, he is not drawing a big salary, how much maintenance can the court grant me? I figured the best way would be to stay put and get as much of my money back. I'm waiting for his retirement fund. I want to use him like he used me till he can no longer contribute. And yes, I can still see his face, don't get in his way, peaceful for him & me. I'm emotionally & physically divorced from him. Until such time when I feel that its time to leave, I can no longer see his face, I will. Or he stops contributing, no longer valuable to me, he will be out.

How very confusing and harmful to your poor children. Seeing their father return "home" every weekend, and then having him leave must be very difficult for them. Have they been told ANYTHING about the affair? Do they know OW? Do you know who OW is? Have you exposed to her side of the equation? You haven't exposed yet, so you don't know what sort of impact can happen. It could take only ONE person to put pressure on them for it to have the right effect.

How is it that on paper, your WH appears to make less money than he actually does? Do you have proof of the amount he actually makes?

Whatever the outcome of your marriage, it would be best for your children for you to try to end this affair, and the best weapon against affairs is exposure.

If you continue down this road, there won't be anything for you to wait for, because your LB$ will be in the negative, and even if the affair ends, you won't want to try to reconcile. Besides, with you propping up the affair, this could last DECADES.

Have you read through all of the FREE material on this site? Do you have any of DrH's books?

I'm unsure as to why you feel this is best for your children? At 7 and 10, they probably think that every weekend, there is some hope that their happy family will get back together, only to be dashed when their father turns around and leaves again. How terribly confusing for them. You are teaching them to remain married at all costs - how unfortunate it would be if your children thought that this is what marriage should be.

You have put yourself in a horrible position, seeing him every weekend must emotionally kill you. I was in Plan C, made life so easy for him. The affair never died, made it stronger. He has no consequence and no responsibility to your family. I would file for full custody and try to not have your kids not meet this OW. I did some things for financial reasons, now I just want the best settlement I can get. He has to pay you regardless. You deserve better. We all do.

What do you hope to get from this forum?

Welcome!

Has WH had a vasectomy?

My WS brought the kids to see OW few times when they were still friends. The whole pub, even her son knows about the affair. Who else to expose to? I've tried ways to make it difficult for them to continue only to bring them closer. They are 2 selfish people, only care about themselves. I concluded that the only way is to wait for it to burn out.

What do I expect from this forum? I want to hear from people who have gone thru Plan C or waited for the affair to fizzle out. Its not that I'm going to wait forever. I will file for divorce when I can no longer stand the sight of him, when he can no longer contribute..

Betrayed2,

I have been reading ad posting here for about 4 years. I cannot think of one marriage that has recovered after Plan C. There are many who have recovered after Plans A and B. If you do Plan B correctly, you may still be interested in recovering your marriage if the affair "fizzles out". Dr. Harley has said that most affairs die a natural death after about 2 years. If you don't do Plan B, you will hate the sight of your H much sooner. You also will suffer many more physical ailments and emotional distress.

So, I don't think you will be hearing from many posters on this site. Are you interested in learning and applying MB techniques or are you set on your current course?

AM

beatrayed2, the only people you will find on here that have done Plan C will tell you that it was a bad idea, and they should have followed the MB plans. The boards here aren't going to advocate this type of plan. We will instead encourage you to follow what DrH suggests, and that would be Plan A, until Plan B in your case. For you, however, it is long past time to PLan A.

You need to do a proper exposure, where you do it in a non-vindictive way, and you ask for others to help you.

You may have made some mistakes up until now, but if you read here, and follow the suggestions, at minimum, YOU will become personally recovered.

Read up on all of the things you should do, and get an exposure list started. Ask any questions you may have about the program, and we will help guide you. I, for one, am NOT going to suggest you stay in Plan C, that isn't an MB approved plan, and since you have been lucky enough to find this site, and it's FREE content, why not use it, and benefit?

I can't think of any. I DO know of a former co-worker who was in Plan C for about 15 years. As far as I know, she's still in Plan C unless her WH died or something.

Plan C stands for Plan Compromise, b2. And for Plan CAKE EAT. Which is exactly what your WH wants to do, and is doing. If you can't consider yourself, at least consider what this is doing to your children.

Plan C folks usually grow weary of the MB-based advice they will not follow and retire themselves as posters.

One of my best friends in real life has been in Plan C for over 15 years.
After more than 18 years of marriage (and 2 kids), he announced he is gay and is going to embrace that lifestyle for the remainder of his life. He is HIV positive. He had been quite cruel towards her for many years prior. Refusing to have sex with her by telling her she is too fat & ugly, etc. He is now living with his long term partner. Why has she not divorced him? He pays for half her mortgage, and she is the beneficiary of his insurance policies. She has no interest in marriage ever again. She dates infrequently. But what I want to tell you is this .... she has become hardened and closed off to any intimate relationship .... EVER! She has paid a steep price for the financial benefits of Plan C. A tender and sweet part of her has expired, probably forever.
Her Plan C had ZERO impact on her WH. He's happy as a clam.Living well, taking his HIV meds and enjoying life.

A cautionary tale.

Here's what happened in our marriage using Plan C:

We're divorced. I found the Forums about 3 years after I recognized that my ex's "bestfriend" had become more important to him than our marriage, our son, and me. The relationship was probably never physical with the MOW. We entered into counseling to recover our marriage (not MB based counseling at all). Ex used to be on the cell phone with MOW as we drove separately to the counselor's office, and would immediately be on the cell from the time he pulled away from parking and went to work. I found MB after we'd already been counseling for several months.

I received excellent advice from the veterans on the Boards, but was too cowardly to expose Ex except for trickle exposure to a few of my friends. I never went public at his job, with his family, his colleagues. He privately humiliated me for years in the house, receiving invitations to events, dinners, so forth, and refusing. Colleagues were hurt by his instant "I won't be available then" for things that were almost a year ahead of the invitation. They talked to each other, word got back to me 3rd hand.

When he did accept an invitation, he would not let me accompany him. He would just announce he was going and intended to go alone. I think those events included MOW but I never asked the hosts if that was true. I was too humiliated to expose myself.

I snooped regularly in his briefcase, found letters he was writing to MOW and term papers and school assignments MOW's kids had faxed to him for corrections. Yep, he was helping raise her kids by giving the benefit of a college educated and grad school polished middle aged man who made his living by writing. Hours every week devoted to her and her spawn.

Our son (now a strapping 23 year old!) felt that Ex favored MOW's kids over him when we got together for holidays. It became less a fun family outing than an ordeal.

He is old enough now to refuse to join Ex for those things, his own decision. At Easter when his dad asked why he didn't want to go to their house with him, he answered "They are really more your friends than mine." To Ex's credit, he cancelled with them and stayed home and spent the day with our son.

I have found a new love, but I keep my own place, it's a long distance relationship and we make each other happy. The immediate pain of seeing Ex's pupils contract when he looks at me, and seeing him jump when his silenced cell phone zaps him in the picket, sneak off into the bathroom to text her, then excuse himself to "walk the dog" and stay out over an hour talking on the cell phone, has receded. (Sure it has.)

I have made a life for myself but I still wonder how it could have been if I'd exposed even belatedly in the affair, done Plan A or Plan B. Yes, our son still has a relationship with his dad, that was important to me, but it's conflicted because of the ongoing worship his dad pursues with this "bestfriend".

Follow the vet's advice. I failed our marriage. Don't fail yours.

I haven't run across any in 11 years. As Dr Harley says - and he has been at this for 40 years - Plan C is the most likely to result in divorce.