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I am so lost and in need of help #2662903
09/08/12 12:40 PM
09/08/12 12:40 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
E
EpicFailure Offline OP
Member
EpicFailure  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
I am the WW. I am 27, my husband 28. We have been together 8 years, married for 3. In about 30 minutes it will be exactly a week since I destroyed his universe. I told him a week ago that I had a one night stand with a coworker and the boy I am 5 months pregnant with may not be his. He was devastated.

I didn't want to tell him, but after a lot of prayer I knew it wasn't fair for me to keep it from him. We took a blood paternity test and will know the results Wednesday. I am almost certain the baby is my husbands.

Confessing to him was the hardest thing I have ever done. His (and mine, although this is my fault and therefore how I feel is my own doing and not relevant) mind had been reeling ever sense. He cycles between anger, sadness, and disgust. I moved into another part of our house to give him space.

I took the blame 100% regardless of why I felt like it was okay fOr me to do at the time, it was wrong. It was my fault, not my husbands, no matter how difficult of a time we were going through. I have listened to him while he cried and while he has yelled. I haven't blamed him or gotten defensive or taken anything out on him. I am so ashamed of the pain I have caused him. His parents are naturally furious.

He is going to counseling Monday. I sat down and after apologizing verbally I also wrote one to him. I set boundaries. I changed my phone number, deleted my Facebook, deleted all my email accounts. Its difficult because I am pregnant and cannot quit my job because we need the health insurance. I told him I would quit my job immediately though and he told me not to; that he didnt want to be poor and dysfunctional.

I have not had contact with the OM since I found out I was pregnant except to ask of there was a possibility the child was his, he denied it left and right said it was impossible etc... Now we only talk at work about work and most days we don't even have to speak at all so we don't.

My BH came home today from a class he had to take for work and I tried to give him the letter of appology with the EPs but he refused it. This is the first time since d day he has refused to speak with me.

I know he needs time and space. I just feel like I am running out f hope. He kept saying that everything was perfect and I ruined it. I did ruin what we had. Things had only been going well since we found out I was pregnant. I am worried that if my son is his, that all of our unresolved issues in addition to this affair will be more than we are able to overcome.

I don't know what I am looking for. Any advice or encouragement would be helpful. I am alone and afraid. My family lives 3000 miles away and he has told me he believes my mother has contributed to this problem this doesn't want me speaking with her. What now?

Thank you.

Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: EpicFailure] #2662911
09/08/12 12:50 PM
09/08/12 12:50 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 251
Midwest
Q
Qoheleth Offline
Member
Qoheleth  Offline
Member
Q
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 251
Midwest
Veterans, get in here quick!!

I would go into overdrive implementing meeting your spouse's ENs and avoiding LBs. You will have to cope with the fact he's not going to be meeting your ENs and will probably be engaging in love-busting behaviour for a while.

Did you order Dr Harley's books yet?

Last edited by Qoheleth; 09/08/12 12:51 PM.

BH (me), age 30. Plan D final 1/1/13
Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: EpicFailure] #2662915
09/08/12 12:52 PM
09/08/12 12:52 PM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
alis Offline
Member
alis  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
If it were not for the pregnancy, would you have told your husband about your affair?

Understand this - it seems that you had no intention of telling your husband about sleeping with another man and you continue to see this man several times a week.

That of course does not even touch on the fact that his dreams of his first child have been shattered, as he is unsure if it is his child.

I understand that finances are a concern particularly for Americans and birth/labour but continuing to work with this man is an absolute guarantee that your marriage will be over.

Have you told your employer? You cannot give him a letter of apology and EP's if you continue to work with the other man. It is not going to matter because the most basic EP (no contact) and most basic demonstration of remorse (no contact) is broken daily.

Have you discussed how to obtain some sort of financial loan/selling of assets in order to quit your job and leave money to assist with the birth expenses.

Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: Qoheleth] #2662916
09/08/12 12:55 PM
09/08/12 12:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 19,443
Moved to Uranus
B
BrainHurts Offline
Member
BrainHurts  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 19,443
Moved to Uranus
Originally Posted By: EpicFailure
I am the WW. I am 27, my husband 28. We have been together 8 years, married for 3. In about 30 minutes it will be exactly a week since I destroyed his universe. I told him a week ago that I had a one night stand with a coworker and the boy I am 5 months pregnant with may not be his. He was devastated.

I didn't want to tell him, but after a lot of prayer I knew it wasn't fair for me to keep it from him. We took a blood paternity test and will know the results Wednesday. I am almost certain the baby is my husbands.

Confessing to him was the hardest thing I have ever done. His (and mine, although this is my fault and therefore how I feel is my own doing and not relevant) mind had been reeling ever sense. He cycles between anger, sadness, and disgust. I moved into another part of our house to give him space.

I took the blame 100% regardless of why I felt like it was okay fOr me to do at the time, it was wrong. It was my fault, not my husbands, no matter how difficult of a time we were going through. I have listened to him while he cried and while he has yelled. I haven't blamed him or gotten defensive or taken anything out on him. I am so ashamed of the pain I have caused him. His parents are naturally furious.

He is going to counseling Monday. I sat down and after apologizing verbally I also wrote one to him. I set boundaries. I changed my phone number, deleted my Facebook, deleted all my email accounts. Its difficult because I am pregnant and cannot quit my job because we need the health insurance. I told him I would quit my job immediately though and he told me not to; that he didnt want to be poor and dysfunctional.

I have not had contact with the OM since I found out I was pregnant except to ask of there was a possibility the child was his, he denied it left and right said it was impossible etc... Now we only talk at work about work and most days we don't even have to speak at all so we don't.

My BH came home today from a class he had to take for work and I tried to give him the letter of appology with the EPs but he refused it. This is the first time since d day he has refused to speak with me.

I know he needs time and space. I just feel like I am running out f hope. He kept saying that everything was perfect and I ruined it. I did ruin what we had. Things had only been going well since we found out I was pregnant. I am worried that if my son is his, that all of our unresolved issues in addition to this affair will be more than we are able to overcome.

I don't know what I am looking for. Any advice or encouragement would be helpful. I am alone and afraid. My family lives 3000 miles away and he has told me he believes my mother has contributed to this problem this doesn't want me speaking with her. What now?

Thank you.


Welcomento MB.
Please listen to these radio clips of Dr. Harely telling what you should do in OC situations.
Dr. Harley advises a BW and WH on OC situation


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: alis] #2662920
09/08/12 01:00 PM
09/08/12 01:00 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
E
EpicFailure Offline OP
Member
EpicFailure  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
Bear with me, this is all incredibly overwhelming. We cannot afford a single income home nor can we afford the debt having a child without insurance would cause. If I quit my job I will not be able to file unemployment nor will COBRA insurance be an option. I have told him twice that I would quit. He is adamant that I stay and if the child is his I am to look for another job once our son is born.

I don't know if this matters, but it wasn't a love thing. I went over to his house after work and before class just to talk as friends about my situation. Needless to say one thing led to another. I am so ashamed. I didn't even take my clothes.

I don't know if I would have told him or not had I not gotten pregnant. Id like to say I would have but I don't know. He said a few days ago that if it is his son that he would try to work it out because he owes that to his son. We should have been in counseling a long time ago, but he told me that if just the two of us couldn't fix out problems then they couldn't be fixed.

Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: EpicFailure] #2662931
09/08/12 01:12 PM
09/08/12 01:12 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
E
EpicFailure Offline OP
Member
EpicFailure  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
A lot is in limbo because we are waiting on test results. If it isn't his he said there would be no way he would raise another mans child. I would be packing my bags and moving back to California at that point and our marriage will be over.

There are a lot of details to this. My husband suffers from PTSD and (we both) drank too much. He had been sober since 7/24 and quit smoking as well. He picked up both since dday, but I expected that. We had a house full of fire arms, but he locked them all in the safe.

Since we married in 2009 I have allowed and even encouraged my husband to sleep with other women. He has done so with 2 women on 5 occasions. I was there fOr 2 with one woman, and in the house for 2 of the three with the other woman. OW2 is a coworker of his. I found out I was pregnant in may and left or California to visit my family at the end of May. When I told him I was pregnant I told him I just wanted it to be us from now on. He agreed. When I left he asked if he could have OW2 over one last time. I agreed. Afterwards he always calls me and gives me full disclosure and tells me how he doesn't want to ever do it again and he only does it because I want him to. This time wasn't different except that he didnt want to tell me the details. I found that odd, but let it go.

Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: EpicFailure] #2662933
09/08/12 01:13 PM
09/08/12 01:13 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 19,443
Moved to Uranus
B
BrainHurts Offline
Member
BrainHurts  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 19,443
Moved to Uranus
Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Originally Posted By: EpicFailure
I am the WW. I am 27, my husband 28. We have been together 8 years, married for 3. In about 30 minutes it will be exactly a week since I destroyed his universe. I told him a week ago that I had a one night stand with a coworker and the boy I am 5 months pregnant with may not be his. He was devastated.

I didn't want to tell him, but after a lot of prayer I knew it wasn't fair for me to keep it from him. We took a blood paternity test and will know the results Wednesday. I am almost certain the baby is my husbands.

Confessing to him was the hardest thing I have ever done. His (and mine, although this is my fault and therefore how I feel is my own doing and not relevant) mind had been reeling ever sense. He cycles between anger, sadness, and disgust. I moved into another part of our house to give him space.

I took the blame 100% regardless of why I felt like it was okay fOr me to do at the time, it was wrong. It was my fault, not my husbands, no matter how difficult of a time we were going through. I have listened to him while he cried and while he has yelled. I haven't blamed him or gotten defensive or taken anything out on him. I am so ashamed of the pain I have caused him. His parents are naturally furious.

He is going to counseling Monday. I sat down and after apologizing verbally I also wrote one to him. I set boundaries. I changed my phone number, deleted my Facebook, deleted all my email accounts. Its difficult because I am pregnant and cannot quit my job because we need the health insurance. I told him I would quit my job immediately though and he told me not to; that he didnt want to be poor and dysfunctional.

I have not had contact with the OM since I found out I was pregnant except to ask of there was a possibility the child was his, he denied it left and right said it was impossible etc... Now we only talk at work about work and most days we don't even have to speak at all so we don't.

My BH came home today from a class he had to take for work and I tried to give him the letter of appology with the EPs but he refused it. This is the first time since d day he has refused to speak with me.

I know he needs time and space. I just feel like I am running out f hope. He kept saying that everything was perfect and I ruined it. I did ruin what we had. Things had only been going well since we found out I was pregnant. I am worried that if my son is his, that all of our unresolved issues in addition to this affair will be more than we are able to overcome.

I don't know what I am looking for. Any advice or encouragement would be helpful. I am alone and afraid. My family lives 3000 miles away and he has told me he believes my mother has contributed to this problem this doesn't want me speaking with her. What now?

Thank you.


Welcomento MB.
Please listen to these radio clips of Dr. Harely telling what you should do in OC situations.
Dr. Harley advises a BW and WH on OC situation


Did you listen to the clips of what Dr. Harley advises?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: BrainHurts] #2662935
09/08/12 01:14 PM
09/08/12 01:14 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
E
EpicFailure Offline OP
Member
EpicFailure  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
I listened and I had offered to my husband that if the child wasn't his I would give him up for adoption. I think that only made it worse because when he relayed that to his mother she went on to say "what kind of a mother would give up her child..." etc. he has made it very clear if the child isn't his, the marriage is over.

Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: BrainHurts] #2662936
09/08/12 01:14 PM
09/08/12 01:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 19,443
Moved to Uranus
B
BrainHurts Offline
Member
BrainHurts  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 19,443
Moved to Uranus
Here are some more.

Radio Clip on what to do when a pregnancy happens from an affair

Radio clip on OC

Please let us know what you think.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: BrainHurts] #2662937
09/08/12 01:15 PM
09/08/12 01:15 PM
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
alis Offline
Member
alis  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
You need the coaching centre, badly. This is such a disordered marriage. This is an open marriage, you're both currently working with other partners, alcoholism, encouraging your husband to sleep with other women when you are pregnant. I do not see this becoming a good healthy marriage but you need the expert advice. It's not a DIY project.

Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: alis] #2662942
09/08/12 01:33 PM
09/08/12 01:33 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
E
EpicFailure Offline OP
Member
EpicFailure  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
It wasn't an open marriage in that I wasn't allowed to sleep with other men. I know we need help. The day after dday I went to a church down my street and fell apart. The counselor there took me to his home with his wife and they fed me. After that I told them everything. He isn't just a counselor for the church, but it is also what he does for a living. He said he would like to speak with my husband I said I would try, but it wasn't likely. I've offered his number to my husband several times but he refuses it. He said he doesn't want to confide in someone that I have confided in, which I can understand. He will be seeing his own counselor Monday.

We aren't bad people. We have made bad choices for certain. We make a good living between the two of us, him as a fireman and me as a paralegal. We have struggled a lot, but have always managed to pull through. He says though that he doesn't know if he can forgive me for running to another man when times were hard. I understand that.

I have ruined everything. How can we possibly get through this of it is our first child? Having a child in and of itself can tear some families apart. My mother doesn't think I should stay not does she think I should have paid for the paternity test. I assured him I would pay (and did) and that I wouldn't just run off. I don't think he believed I wouldn't run off, but he hasn't taken my keys or anything so I guess he must believe me to some degree.

He just came into the room I get some things so he can go bow shooting outside. I asked if he has read what I wrote, he said he had not and that it was ridiculous of me to think e would want to read some letter. I
I told him we could sit and talk about it instead and he indicated he didn't want to talk right now. I told him I understood and whenever e wanted to I would be available.

Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: EpicFailure] #2662946
09/08/12 01:46 PM
09/08/12 01:46 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Another universe
J
Jedi_Knight Offline
Member
Jedi_Knight  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Another universe
Well apparently what is good for the goose isn't good for the gander.

The open marriage met his selfish needs until you got pregnant and he saw he wasnt in control of your actions.

Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: BrainHurts] #2662947
09/08/12 01:47 PM
09/08/12 01:47 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
E
EpicFailure Offline OP
Member
EpicFailure  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
I'm sorry I am not trying to be difficult, but none of these thus far apply to me. I have tried to scour the Internet for advice, but everything just told me not to tell my husband and let him think the child was his etc.

Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: Jedi_Knight] #2662948
09/08/12 01:48 PM
09/08/12 01:48 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Another universe
J
Jedi_Knight Offline
Member
Jedi_Knight  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Another universe
I see you using terms like EP.
Have you read Dr Harley's basic concepts?

Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: Jedi_Knight] #2662950
09/08/12 01:51 PM
09/08/12 01:51 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
E
EpicFailure Offline OP
Member
EpicFailure  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
I never indicated to him that I wanted to be with another man. Mostly because I didn't want to be with another man. He has wholly excused himself from having been with the other women because I gave him permission. Which I guess he has the right to do because I did indeed give him permission. He just left. Said he would be back this evening, he was going to have supper with his mother. Naturally that stresses me out because I know how protective my mother is over me right now so I can only imagine how she will be with him and they terrible things she is telling him. She was like a mother to me and I betrayed her too, I should expect this I know, but I am not sure how to deal with it.

I haven't ordered any books yet, The results will dictate that I guess.

Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: Jedi_Knight] #2662951
09/08/12 01:55 PM
09/08/12 01:55 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
E
EpicFailure Offline OP
Member
EpicFailure  Offline OP
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 40
Yes I have been on the site the last two days just searching for answers. I couldn't find anything that related to what I was going through so I decided I needed to join. Especially since if it is his son he wants me to cut off contact with my mother and family. My mon thinks I need to get out of the house, but I told him the only place I was going was church tomorrow and that's it. So I dont think I should leave even if he is not here.

I guess I should be thankful he is even talking to me and telling me where he is going.

Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: EpicFailure] #2662954
09/08/12 02:05 PM
09/08/12 02:05 PM
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,136
U
unwritten Online content
Member
unwritten  Online Content
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,136
Originally Posted By: EpicFailure


Since we married in 2009 I have allowed and even encouraged my husband to sleep with other women. He has done so with 2 women on 5 occasions. I was there fOr 2 with one woman, and in the house for 2 of the three with the other woman. OW2 is a coworker of his. I found out I was pregnant in may and left or California to visit my family at the end of May. When I told him I was pregnant I told him I just wanted it to be us from now on. He agreed. When I left he asked if he could have OW2 over one last time. I agreed. Afterwards he always calls me and gives me full disclosure and tells me how he doesn't want to ever do it again and he only does it because I want him to. This time wasn't different except that he didnt want to tell me the details. I found that odd, but let it go.



Totally perplexed.

Since you have not yet indicated ...I just have to ask, WHY did you think this was in any way, shape or form a good idea?

Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: unwritten] #2662955
09/08/12 02:08 PM
09/08/12 02:08 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 19,443
Moved to Uranus
B
BrainHurts Offline
Member
BrainHurts  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 19,443
Moved to Uranus
Will your BH/WH come here and post?

Can you afford the coaching center?

Will you quit your job? You can get COBRA.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: unwritten] #2662956
09/08/12 02:09 PM
09/08/12 02:09 PM
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,136
U
unwritten Online content
Member
unwritten  Online Content
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,136
I am also curious as to why this rule of being allowed to step outside the marriage for the SF need to be met applied to him and not you?

Re: I am so lost and in need of help [Re: EpicFailure] #2662957
09/08/12 02:10 PM
09/08/12 02:10 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 90,475
Texas
M
MelodyLane Offline
Member
MelodyLane  Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 90,475
Texas
Originally Posted By: EpicFailure
Bear with me, this is all incredibly overwhelming. We cannot afford a single income home nor can we afford the debt having a child without insurance would cause. If I quit my job I will not be able to file unemployment nor will COBRA insurance be an option. I have told him twice that I would quit. He is adamant that I stay and if the child is his I am to look for another job once our son is born.




You will have to quit if you want to save your marriage. I would be working on that if you expect to save this. You can get COBRA insurance.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt


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