No one knew what I allowed him to do. I doubt anyone would believe me if untold them now anyway, he just has to deny it and they'll believe him of course.

I am under the impression that he will want to talk tonight. If he won't read my letter I intend to paraphrase it. Take full responsibility, acknowledge what I have done to him and how it's hurt him. Set boundaries and let him know that I am 100% committed to making this work.

Of course your husband will not support exposure.
That is what is needed to save your marriage.
If you dont want to save your marriage then you may as well call your husbands girlfriend to the house and give him a sex make up party.

If you want to save your marriage you need to follow the MB Program.

What about you and your WH/BH get into an AA program?

Nobody knows what the future holds. But you will be best equipped for it if you follow the MB plan, create a loving and safe marriage with your H, and if that is not possible, move forward with a new understanding of what 'healthy relationship' means to teach your son. THAT is what is best for your son.

I want to see you take full responsibility for your affair.

However, he also needs to take full responsibility for choosing to commit adultery. And you need to require more for yourself than a man who will have sex with other women in front of his wife.

I feel like you take full responsibility for that too, because you gave him your very delusional consent. You are responsible for telling your WH it was OK, for the words and consent, he is responsible for the action.

Can you call the radio show? Or send an email to the Harleys? These are free options to get advice from the Harley's themselves, and I think you need it.

I am taking full responsibility for my affair. I have not blamed him at all. It was and is my mistake. These are the consequences of that mistake. I am overwhelmed. I am looking at the website and reading all I can. I can't save it of it is not his son and I will know that Wednesday.

He won't go for AA if he can't fix it himself then he doesn't try to fix it typically. I will ask though.

If your husband doesn't know that adultery is WRONG, then you have a serious problem and should consider separation. I would address this issue and strongly suggest you STOP enabling him by keeping this secret. Tell everyone about his affairs.

It sounds to me like your husband has some serious mental problems. What is wrong with him that he believes adultery is an acceptable lifestyle?

Have you told your mother that you condone adultery in your marriage?

I would tell all of your family members and close friends about his adultery and yours. You need the support of your family members in a most desperate way.

You and your husband have very poor judgement and your family cannot help you if you are not completely honest.

Sorry it's taken me sink long to respond. We got a big storm and the ceiling started leaking in the part of the house I am staying in. I thought it was a fire because the smoke alarm went off and i thought lightening had hit the roof etc... I panicked. I called him and he said that the water caused the alarm to go off, I told him about the heavy rain and leak 2 hours ago. I frantically tried to get everything out of the room. He hasn't come home yet. I guess that's a signal about how much he doesn't care right now.

I told my mother about how I condoned and encouraged his relations and she was shocked to say the least. Her words and reactions mirror most of yours. I just told my sisters about my affair, not about his. They all think I should leave the state regardless, that he will never forgive me and use it against me for the rest of my life. I don't think that's the right think to do.

I'm not sure how to go forward at all. I dont know.

I don't think he will want to discuss the future until he knows if it's his son. I understand that

You should leave him unless he agrees NEVER to commit adultery again. He should be willing to become completely transparent and accountable to you so he can never cheat again. Otherwise, the right thing to do is to get a divorce.

His family and the rest of your family should all be told about his affairs so they can hold him accountable.

I hear what you are saying I assure you. What is difficult for me is to consider what I condoned as cheating. Once we find out of he is the father of his child then I guess this is where the jumping off point will be...

"my affair was wholly my fault. It was unacceptable and wrong. The only way we can move forward is if we both agree from this second on that in no way is it acceptable for either of us to sleep with another person period. Condoned or not."

I have a feeling his response will be angry and defensive, but I guess at some point I have to stick up for myself AND my son. It would not be a healthy environment for him to grow up in.

EF, I would tell him now that his cheating is a deal breaker. Even if the child is his, you should never live with him again unless he agrees to stop cheating. That is sick and dysfunctional.

You don't have to wait to tell him this. If he says he won't stop cheating, you can pack up and move home now.

I know he will stop with the other woman. I have no doubts about that, the only reason he ever allowed himself to do it in the first place was because I condoned it. I don't think that will be where the problem lies. I think he won't agree that it had anything to do with the troubles of our marriage.

He is still with his parents and it is giving me terrible anxiety to think about what they are planning.

Let me clarify, the reason I think his response will be angry and defensive is because 1 nothing has happened since may, 2 he doesn't think he did anything wrong and 3 because I know he will think I am just trying to justify what I did.

That is where I would start. In addition to telling his parents about his serial cheating. The fact that he doesn't know that adultery has everything to do with the troubles of your marriage is not reassuring. but even if he doesn't understand, he cannot keep committing adultery and stay married. He should end all contact with EVERY WOMAN other than his female relatives.

If he won't do that, he is not a safe person.

I would address this with him ASAP.

This seems to be more and more common nowadays (this is not the first time I've heard of this kind of thing going on). Has Dr Harley done any radio segments on this sort of behaviour?

The topology of it feels like infidelity, but without the dishonesty aspect; in some ways it's similar to swinging, but without the shared experience W and H would share.

epic, he IS going to be angry. there is no way around that, and no good time. you just have to accept that you cannot control his actions. remember that exposure is not about retribution, it is asking for help with your M. when you married, your family and community sat at your wedding and pledged to support your M. that's what family and friends are for. even during the rough patches. especially during the rough patches!

whether or not you sanctioned his adultery is immaterial. you did that because you were desperate. now, i hope you are not that desperate, because you need to be clear-headed to make decisions.

i do think that you should wait until you have the paternity results before you do much else - what do you think, ML? and i also think you should move your bum back into your marital bed. yes, what you did was wrong. you have admitted and owned that. you want to rebuild, and become a FWW, and you can start that now by cleaning up your side of the street. but your WHs side of the street is dirty too. he needs to own what he did also, and clean up his mess so you two can start fresh.

please use the time between now and wednesday to read as much as you can, including other threads. and definitely send an email to the harley's radio show! if you haven't already, download their app and listen every day. it'll help keep you sane during this crazy time.

one of the reasons MB is so successful is that it is so simple, cause and effect. and if you and your WH decide to work on the M, the harleys are great at bringing reluctant husbands to the table!

btw, congratulations on your weight loss!

I disagree. He didn't have sex with other women because you condoned it.
He had sex with other women while you watched. Maybe he wanted to have a three way or use it as a point of control over you.
He will not be so quick to stop his lifestyle.
Also. I would not be surprised if there are more sex partners than you know of

You earlier said that you consider yourself an alcoholic.
I strongly encourage you to attend an AA meeting. You can find their locations on the Internet and in the phone book.

The first step on the road to recovery is to admit that you dont have control.