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#2673757 10/13/12 01:35 AM
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Hi to one and all! I have been lurking and reading. My H posted some time back under Earnest (I think but am not 100%)

I am coming to an end on our marriage and do not believe we have any hope. I have heard about and read about such amazing turn arounds here that it at least makes me want to ask a few questions.

Married 2 1/2 years.
My second marriage, his first
I have two kids from previous marriage(although he lied about this in the forum)
We have an toddler together.
I am a 35 year old woman, he is 41.
My first marriage ended as he was abusive.

Where to begin? In my opinion he doesn't see a need to change anything as he is happy as long as I lie and don't complain. He doesn't understand why I am upset or unhappy.
He refuses all my asking to get help. I was surprised to see he wrote here, but as usual, he blames all my complaining typically on my ex even though I never bring him up.

We did fill out EQ and LB. He did write a few things which I have tried to fix or stop doing etc. He saw mine and told me that I had unrealistic expectations and was to needy for him he couldn't stand it. That is about as far as that went.

He has AO that scare me. It makes me feel like someone is taking a 2x4 and beating me with their words. I feel like I have walked into another abusive situation but at least he doesn't hit me.

He won't tell me what money he makes. He puts some money in a joint account but it isn't even enough to cover bills. He has his paychecks go to work so I can't see them. He will fill out a budget with me and then nothing happens. He puts most of his paychecks into a "private" account. I normally don't even know what is in "ours".

This is a small glimpse.
If I filled out what is threatening our marriage, I would have to say everything. AO, DJ, SD, IB, AH, DH... My EN are not met.

What do I do? I have tried to sell it to him, but he already gets exactly what he wants so ??? I want to leave and go into plan b yesterday as even being in the same room with him makes me physically ill at this point and I see no other way.

I could totally not be seeing the forest through the tree's so please feel free to tell me where I am going wrong or if I am on the right path. Thank you!




Last edited by Elaina77; 10/13/12 02:01 AM.

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Elaina77 #2673758 10/13/12 01:49 AM
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Hi Elaina77. I am sorry you are experiencing the pain that had to bring you here. There are some VERY good vets here who can help you figure this out.

Is he verbally and mentally abusive to you? Just because he isn't physically abusive does not mean that you are not being abused. These behaviors of his that you have explained are not good for you. If they hurt you, then they are abusive. It is very difficult being married to someone like that. You probably have no balance in your love bank. They take and take until there is nothing left.

You have come to the right place Elaina. Keep your head up. Stay strong for yourself. Do not tell your H. that you are now posting here or what your user name is. This is a safe haven for you to get the help and support that you need.


BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
Littlebit3 #2673759 10/13/12 02:08 AM
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Thanks Little :-)

Well, according to DR. Harley, yes, he is verbally abusive and not sure about mental? All I know is yes, all I feel from him is pain.
My love bank is deep in the red. Everything inside of me is screaming to get very far away from him.
I have trouble trusting myself (and him telling me I only feel this way over and over because of my past doesn't help)
I will not tell him about posting here.


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Elaina77 #2673785 10/13/12 10:05 AM
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Elaina77 #2673790 10/13/12 10:23 AM
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Elaina, when did you begin your relationship with Ernie? Did you begin seeing him prior to being legally divorced from your first husband? I see that you have a child who is almost two, and you've been married 2-1/2 years. Is this correct? Were you were pregnant when you got married? (I'm not judging you either way - I'm just trying to piece together your marital history, which may help the posters who are advising you.)


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Elaina, when did you begin your relationship with Ernie? Did you begin seeing him prior to being legally divorced from your first husband? I see that you have a child who is almost two, and you've been married 2-1/2 years. Is this correct? Were you were pregnant when you got married? (I'm not judging you either way - I'm just trying to piece together your marital history, which may help the posters who are advising you.)
According to her DH's thread (if that is her DH) she divorced in 2008.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2673823 10/13/12 01:02 PM
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Ok, Melody Lane, Yes Ernie... that is him I believe.

I was divorced in 2007 and moved across the country and met my now DH around a year and a half after my Divorce was final. We dated for a year and got married about 6 months after that.
I had dated a plethora of men for 2008 before him (met him in Dec) so I thought that my radar was up and working well. I just wish I would have found MB when dating!!!!

He never had ONE AO the entire time of our dating etc. My entire family have been surprised by his change in character as they call it.

I got pregnant the first month of marriage. It was by choice as we both wanted a child together and with age etc decided not to wait.

This is why I am not sure it is him (although it sounds exactly like him) He wasn't honest in his posting, but since honesty is a Huge problem with him, it wouldn't surprise me.

E-35


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Elaina77 #2673824 10/13/12 01:28 PM
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Oh, and in his post... well. My oldest son is old enough to babysit and can and does whenever we need him to.

I am not depressed other than of course being sad at the state of our relationship.

I do tell him what is wrong, but he pulls the I never tell him what is wrong all the time on me which is frustrating to no end for me to explain how I feel, what is going on etc, to have him turn around and tell me that I don't talk to him (or that the only reason I feel this way is because of my ex etc)

I do feel like every single conversation I have with him is full of disrespect from him telling me how I feel or how I "should" feel, that I don't mean what I say, that the fact I hate being screamed at and humiliated is because of my ex, the only reason I want to know what he is doing, share things is because I am needy.

I will be honest that I have appointments next week with divorce lawyers to find out my rights, what I would need to do to follow this path. In TX, the only way I could support myself is to file as I am sure he would not pay bills if we just separated.

I know it is the weekend and will be slow, but I will be around when I can. I am open to being told that I am being disrespectful etc. I really try to always treat others as I would like to be treated etc. So I am open..
advice welcome..

Last edited by Elaina77; 10/13/12 01:30 PM.

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Elaina77 #2673826 10/13/12 01:37 PM
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How much UA time are you getting?

Have you seen this? How often is he having AOs? Are you committing any love busters?
What to do with an Angry Husband


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2673828 10/13/12 01:58 PM
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Thank you for that link, I had never seen it. Yeah for Pricsa?

We get about 10 hours of "UA" but I don't count it as it is not fun for me and now have a complete aversion to it as it was never full of Aff, SF, C or RC.

Humm, I have insisted he stops the AO, but in my book they still happen several small ones during the week with one big one a month.
I have asked him for counseling, a AO program etc-all of which he adimitly refuses. He tells me that AO are a part of a "normal" relationship so me not wanting it he will try but it will never happen.
Last week, my son and friends were out playing in our back woods. He suddenly came out with a chain saw and started chopping down trees.(again, he doesn't tell me what he is doing ever) I texted him about boys being back there and to please stop. I thought it dangerous!
I was sitting on our front porch watching the 7 year old DD with her friend in the front. He comes around the house and starts yelling at me right there (I am treating him like a dog, he is home, I have no right to tell him what to do-i am making selfish demands now and he isn't going to live his life around kids etc etc) my mom heard on the phone and was so startled she began to cry, the girls started crying. I froze in terror.

I am done with this... he has to go away and get help for even just this ONE issue. That post is making me feel better!


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Elaina77 #2673836 10/13/12 02:29 PM
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Hi Elaina77 - I'm sorry to hear where you're at and what you've been through to get to this point. I don't know how much hope there is for your marriage, especially if it is abusive... but I do believe following Harley's approach to marriage building is your best shot at it.

How would you answer these questions?

I would be happy in my marriage if my husband stopped doing the following things:

1)

2)

I would be happy in my marriage if my husband started doing the following things:

1)

2)

I haven't read the thread that may or may not be your husband's but I do know that most marital breakdowns are two sided. In cases of abuse, Harley doesn't work until the abuse stops. But casting him as the only one with problems may be counterproductive. How do you think your husband would answer the above questions about you?

Remember - the only variable you have control over in this (or any) situation is you and your behavior. You can't change your husband. You can only motivate him to change through your behavior. You probably realize this but sometimes it is useful to step back and remember it.

What can you DO now that you haven't been doing in order to get what you want in your marriage?

What unproductive behavior can you stop doing now that you have been doing in order to get what you want in your marriage?

I hope these questions are helpful.

BWS

Elaina77 #2673838 10/13/12 02:39 PM
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Elaina, I would pay close attention to Prisca's thread and understand that this is a non-starter until he gets his anger under control. If he is having angry outbursts he needs to go through anger management classes. THAT is the first step, so I would focus on getting him into AM classes. If he won't do that, then there is nothing here to save.

My suggestion would be to visit an attorney and find out your rights. Once you do that, give your husband the opportunity to go through Anger Busters [Dr Harley approves of this program]. If he won't do that, then you should have a plan to separate.

Here is a link to the anger busters program: http://www.angerbusters.com/


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2674075 10/14/12 06:31 PM
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Well. I talked to DH and he said today that he is now open and willing to go to MB online course as well as any anger course I would like him to take.

I still hold no hope as I have not heard this from him before but have to wonder if he isn't just trying to appease me. I want this to be enthusiastic or he won't do the work.
I am not sure I even want to bother giving him a chance.

I have been asking this for so long, he understood the consequences -it feels to late.

I am still seeing attorneys this week.

ML is right in that if he doesn't get his AO under control it doesn't matter what else he is doing right. I refuse under any conditions to continue living with an angry person.

Sigh. A year ago, this news would have made my heart soar. Now, I feel nothing-I fear I have waited to long to separate.

E

Last edited by Elaina77; 10/14/12 06:33 PM.

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Elaina77 #2674080 10/14/12 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Elaina77
I still hold no hope as I have not heard this from him before but have to wonder if he isn't just trying to appease me. I want this to be enthusiastic or he won't do the work.
I am not sure I even want to bother giving him a chance.

Elaina, take his willingness to do the online course and RUN WITH IT! Let Dr Harley and your coach [they assign you a personal coach] motivate him because that is their job. Dr Harley can also help him get his anger under control. He is a MASTER at that. If your husband is doing it to appease you, that is a positive, right? What better reason could there be?? Run with it, Elaina!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2674795 10/17/12 12:08 AM
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Thank you ML....

I will try it then. I went to the lawyer... that was depressing.
I admit it did give me an incentive to not walk that road!

Hopefully we can sign up this week as we don't have time to waste. Thank you for taking the time to comment grin
I appreciate it.

Last edited by Elaina77; 10/17/12 12:09 AM.

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Elaina77 #2674853 10/17/12 08:15 AM
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Elaina, welcome to MB. That totally makes sense that you would take a wait-and-see attitude instead of believing someone's words before they are backed up by consistent action over time. Please make sure to continue to get your back-up plan in place just in case.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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It has been more than a week and I thought I would at least stop by smile
I don't plan on going anywhere.

After yes, lets do MB online... it turned into no we don't need it or it is all snake oil again. The only thing he is willing to do he says is to take 5 steps to Romantic love and go through it together. He took it to work and made 2 copies.

He still never brings it up, I mention it but something is always going on, or he isn't in the mood etc. He did come down with a nasty cold this week too.

I went today and got my doc to put me on Dep meds just in case I am somehow not seeing the big picture because of some underlying problem. think

The biggest thing is that he took me out to a park and for hours just berated (at least how it felt to me) about money and life and all kinds of things. I couldn't get away-I kept asking him to stop, but he kept telling me I only wanted to stop talking because I hate being honest..amongst other name calling. mad
It was horrible. I felt so bad, I felt like he was tearing me to pieces with his words.I haven't been the same since. Seriously.... it tore me to shreds.

I have to work on a few things for a plan B so there is unfortunately no way for me to do it right now.

Any suggestions?

Last edited by Elaina77; 10/29/12 11:36 PM. Reason: spelling

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BWS71 #2677922 10/29/12 11:55 PM
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To answer the questions:
How would you answer these questions?

I would be happy in my marriage if my husband stopped doing the following things:

1)Angry Outbursts

2)Disrespectful Judgements

Actually, all the lovebusters Dr. Harley talks about he does in abundance. All of them would need to stop but the AO need to happen first because as it is, I am scared of him. His words hurt tremendously and I am just as afraid of words. (He has never come close to physically hurting me)

I would be happy in my marriage if my husband started doing the following things:

1)Made me feel safe

2)Spoke nicely to me and Wanted to talk to me.

Is this the kind of thing you are talking about or do I need to be way more specific with him?

I don't want to be more specific on my EN.
He will only use that knowledge to hurt me though....Is this a DJ on my part?
So far in the past, I tell him an EN and he makes fun of it or tells me that I am silly for it or just stops doing it at all. Sigh....

I realize that after our big Park blow out that obviously he is resentful about some things and I am more than happy to have a safe conversation about it. Taking me to a place where I can't get away, calling me names and scaring me isn't the way to accomplish it.

E


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Elaina77 #2678370 10/31/12 12:18 PM
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So no other suggestions?

Just plan for plan B as soon as I can? That is what I am doing.

It will be January before I can financially do this though :-(

2 more months of hell to go... sigh


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Elaina77 #2678384 10/31/12 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Elaina77
So no other suggestions?

Just plan for plan B as soon as I can? That is what I am doing.

It will be January before I can financially do this though :-(

2 more months of hell to go... sigh
Can you do phone coaching for you? They phone coach you separate anyway so you could at least have your sessions?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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