My husband and I have been together for 18 years married 11 of them. We have 8 children together. The end of October (while I was still pregnant w/ our 8th child) he admitted to me that he has been talking to a woman at work and that they have kissed on several occasions.
He said he was going to leave and move in with her, that he can't take the stress of our money issues. Our house is currently in foreclosure we have a mediation appointment in a couple weeks and one of our vans was repo'd he's also been sued for a furniture payment and has several past due credit cards. We consulted a bankruptcy lawyer in june who told us to stop all the payments (only the house was behind at that point). Around July I was put on pelvic rest from my ob and the stress of the house, 7 other kids and everything caused him and I to drift apart he said he thought we were over, well around that time he started training this woman at work.
She is 11 years older and supposedly going through a divorce herself because her husband is gay. She has 2 grown sons 1 of whom is autistic and still lives with her.
He confided in her our problems and she told him he could move in with her when her divorce was final or her husband moved out. He said he still loves me but wants to try something new and different.
He promised while I was pregnant that he would not continue the relationship and he told her that I want to work things out she told him she understood but would be heartbroken. I am not sure if he kept that promise or is still seeing her, I do know that if he is as of now it is only at work, he comes home for lunch and really does't go anywhere by himself when he's off and on the weekends.
I spoke to a coworker and friend of his who he respects a lot and he told me that he couldn't see Joe leaving me and his family over this woman. He said everyone knows how she is and kind of laughed, I'm not really sure what that means. Everyone who knows him says they can't imagine him leaving me and the kids but no one would have ever thought he would do this.
So know I have a million questions and desicions here.
Right now the only thing I know for sure is that I do want my marriage to work, but how do I know if he wants that when he is acting like a jerk? He's been even more distant since the baby has been born.
Do I confront this woman?
If things do work out between us how does that affect his job? This job is perfect for him in that it is a couple minutes from our house so gas costs are minimal the nearest he can find something with comparable pay is about a 30 minute drive.
Do I take the kids and leave? I have been a sahm for almost our entire marriage and any job I get will not be enough to support us.
If anyone who has any advice or been in a situation similar to this has any advice I would appreciate it!

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Please read this.
Exposure 101

Everyone knows now, except his workplace and her family. Do I expose to his workplace? I don't know anything other than her 1st name to get info on who she is and contacting her family. I contacted a pi but the one who guaranteed they could get the info want $500, I don't have that money and my husband won't give me any more info on her, I have told him hat if he won't I will go to another coworker of his who I think will tell me, that didn't make him happy, but I will do it if I have to after I am cleared by the dr to drive.

Yes, you DO expose to his workplace.

Did you read the exposure thread?

You also need to tell OWH. Him divorcing because he is gay, could be a made up story your WH spun to tell you.

Expose all at once and do not forewarn your WH.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!!!!!!

Jct94 welcome to MB I am sorry for the pain that brings you here. You will find lots of advice, encouragement and support.

You need to expose to your family, friends, OW family and friends and the workplace. Exposure is important for accountability and providing you with support. It is also a key factor should you recover your marriage. It is important for the truth to be told as your WH & OW will put a spin on your relationship and how theirs began.

A are an addiction and waywards will sacrifice anything of importance to maintain the A. They will re write history and denigrate the BS to justify their A. An A happens when a wayward has poor boundaries and the marriage has not been affair proofed by EPs. There are reasons but never excuses. Your WH A is 100% his responsibilty it is NOT your fault. Some WH will leave their BW others may remain, their pre A behaviour and character is no guarantee which path they will choose.

Readind all the articles on this website will help you can an understanding of MB principles and A. If you read other MBer's threads you will see how similar our stories are and the script waywards seem to follow ... this can be useful when dealing with a wayward.

Try to eat, sleep and look after yourself and your children. Post here anytime you have questions or need support.

I'm reading it now, I'm not sure his work will care as they don't have phones to talk to each other he does have acsess to a computer but he programs from it and she does not have acsess to one.
The kisses from what he told me were after work in the parking lot. There are other couples who work there also, he is a private person though.
I wouldn't be able to keep it from him though because I have to go to his coworker to find out her last name. Even if I don't tell him why he'll know because his friend told me the other guys on his shift had been previously teasing him that she liked him.
In this situation should I go to higher ups or just leave it with this coworker who I know will tell others.

Workplace exposure letter - be sure and send to 3 key people and cc each on the letter. Good targets would be the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both affairee's supervisor. This can be sent via registered letter or even via email!

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney--

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,
_________________________

Sorry if this is long but I really need advice.

WH started talking to a coworker sometime last August/ September (this woman was married but has since divorced, it became final in feb.) He told me in Oct. while I was pregnant w/ our 8th child. He promised he wouldn't see her while I was pregnant, but that I needed to give him time to think right, (yeah right, he was seeing her the whole time).

Baby was born 11/27 by csection (my first surgery) after he was born WH started acting very different, mean and even more distant. I should add that since 6/12 we had not had sex because I was put on pelvic rest.

New years eve we were in the er w/ our newborn who was dx with rsv, on the way home WH started a fight saying you know I am going to live w/ her.(He told me all along that is what he wanted and he would leave 2/5 so he would be there for our childrens bdays).

His behavior got meaner towards me the following week.I was a basket case. I honestly felt like I was going insane constantly wondering if it was o/t h was working or if he was w/ her (he never saw her outside of work time. After work he would go w/ her or talk to her but never on the weekends or before work. I know this for sure because he really never leaves the house without me or the kids and they would have said something)

Jan 5 I wake up around 2 and he's not home. Fridays he hardly ever works o/t. So I decide to go up there. They pull in a few minutes later and we have a HUGE fight. Even after our fight he still tries to get in the van and come home with me. I told him I was done with this and kicked him out.

After a couple weeks he started hinting around that he missed us. He wanted to see the kids a lot and he wanted me there. The schedule he came up with was several(2-4 we live 5 minutes from his work)times a week he wanted to come on his lunch break, it's at 8 our 4 youngest's bedtime is 7:30. Every weekend from 11 or 1 until 8-9, saturday and sunday, and once we got another van (i took the one we had it was actually his, but I needed it for the kids) he wanted to come over some days at 11 and hang out until it was time to go to work. I asked him how I was supposed to move on if he was here all the time, but he didn't get it. He also caled every afternoon to "talk to the kids" but it was usually be he talked to as our oldest were at school and at the time our 2 & 4 year old have limited phone skills.

I honestly saw how it killed him to be away from the kids, I saw him cry because our dd wouldn't speak t him for a long time. I never dated or talked to other men, but I was going to go out with an old friend from high school (a woman & 2 of her friends also woman) and he was convinced I was going on a date his voice choked up and he said please don't let him touch you. I know he cares or did.

So on March 12 he came back home, I wasn't sure if it was a good idea because he was supposed to come home 2/2 but said he needed more time. It was rough at first, then things seemed to be getting better. He doesn't use email or anything just a prepaid phone which I checked and it was always good. He didn't switch jobs, I wanted him to but we do have 8 kids to think about, he was supposed to go on another shift but didn't. She ended up going to 3rd, he works 2cnd so they do overlap.

Several weeks back he started leaving his phone at work, I asked him why and he said it was out of minutes and dead. I called it and it rang, I was under the impression that it would go to vm if was dead or out of minutes.

He also started blaming me for mor A related stuff which he wasn't doing previos, and saying I would never get over this. 2 nights ago we have a huge storm and a tree falls into a house on her street. Of course it is her neighbore house and of course she is the one the news interviews. I was in complete shock, it's really the first time I see her that's not in the dark and is a complete face shot, I taped it and rewinded her segment for 3 hours I watched it over and over trying to figure what she has that I don't. When he came home I was still watching it. We had an argument, I asked him why he wouldn't just put his arm around me and hold when I'm upset, why he's hiding his phone and being defensive. He says his phone is in his workbag go ahead and charge it and look.

So I get it and charge it in the morning. The 1st number is hers they talked for 16 minutes. First he said that it wasn't on the phone, and I was like it's right here, then he said he didn't know how that got there. I made him look me in the eyes (he avoided looking at me before he left and again a few weeks before this happened) and I told him that if he ever cared about he needs to tell me the truth and I will go to his work and question everyone. He finally admitts that they talked at first it was just then, but when I asked how he could give me the phone and let me find out that way he slips that he thought he deleted them all.

So now I find out that since his phone is dead they also are talking at work again. She wants him to move back in and I believe he told her he would, he says that now he can see I won't be able to get over this. I don't honestly feel like he tried at all, and I could have gotten over the affair, honestly it was all the crap that was said and done after that I was having a hard time dealing with. If I thought I couldn't get over it I never would have let him back and put my kids through this again. They were all heartbroken. He knew that to and I don't know how he could put them through this again.

He says he doesn't know if he wants a divorce, is that what I want. I asked him if he still loved me first it was yes, then he didn't know what he felt about anything, then it was anything he says I will use against him (when I kicked him out I told her that just 3 nights ago I asked him if he still loved me and he looked me right in the eye and said yes i still love you) I asked if he tells her he loves her and he looked away so I think he does. I ask him what it is he wants and he doesn't know. How could he really not know??

I spoke to one of OW exh and he told me this is what she does she met him at work while he was married and broke up their marriage and her next Hwas met at work and he was in a relationship to. Why would someone do that, over and over? She knows we have kids WH never wanted them introduced to her, but she knows there are 8 of them whose worlds are being ripped apart because of the 2 of them.

WH and I had a few what I thought were honest talks before he came back and he had critical things to say about OW, I asked if he could see himself w/ her on holidays and he said no it was me he cod see himself with. When he was gone I saw a divorce laywer and even though he was already hinting about coming home, that really made him think more about it.

He always said how uncomfortable he felt over there, and there was never any food, he only had $100 per week and she wanted 50 for bills and rent he left the rest of the money for us.

I know that he will regret it if he does leave, and I know 100% that I want my marriage to recover from this. But how do I get through to him? He is reluctant to change jobs, even before this he was offered the job he has now, making a good deal more than his previous job and he almost didn't take it just so he didn't have to start over.
Do I kick him out? I don't think I could do that to my kids again. I can't live here like this again it is only a matter of time before it starts eating away at me again, but right now he is sure that we aren't going to be able to work past this and that she is the best option.

He's on vacation next week and we are supposed to go camping next week. I told him I don't know if I should go but he should go and take all the kids, he says he'll need my help and I should go to. He needs time to think. The problem with that is his idea of thinking time is still seeing her and me not mentioning any of it.

Jct94:

I am sorry for the reason you are here. But you are in the right place.

Go to the first entry in the "Surviving an Affair" column, called "READ HERE FIRST - WELCOME ABOARD" read everything there.

Veteran posters will be along shortly to help you.

Keep your posts MUCH shorter. No one has time for a novel.

Hi jct, did you follow the advice on your previous thread to expose the affair?

The affair should be exposed to everyone. Your next steps should be to ask him to leave and go into Plan B, which is a completely dark separation. Did you get the book Surviving an Affair?

jct, one of the biggest problems in this scenario is that you are enabling him. It is very hard to save a marriage when you enable your spouse. I would pack his bags, put them on the porch and change your locks. Then send an exposure letter to his workplace like we advised. Expose the affair on their facebook pages, everywhere.

And then send him a Plan B letter telling him to not contact you again until he ends his affair and leaves that job.

I have exposed to everyone except the husband she just divorced. Work included. They pretty much told him they can't control his personal life but to keep it quiet at work. Neither one of them have facebook pages.

So you sent a certified letter to Human Resources and cc'd a key VP and their supervisor? What did they tell YOU??

I'm not sure what cc'd means but I did send to the president (he's hands on) vp, and their supervisor. Their supervisor tried to have a relationship w/ OW prior to my husband so I was expecting nothing from him, but I heard nothing from any of them.
I know making him leave is the best option, but I don't know if I could do that to the kids again. My 3 yo was 2 at the time and woke crying for his dad every night, he would cry on me for hours sometimes, and sometimes he would sit at the door and cry for him.
Ow drives a very noticeable car a yellow bug, my 6 yo would always be on the lookout for it, at the school drop off we would sometimes see one and she would get so upset. I know this is his doing but how can I watch the pain in my childrens eyes wondering where their daddy is. My older kids know and they understand if i kick him out, but they still hurt to. I know it's going to come to that, but how can I do that to them? How can he? He looked me right in the eye before he came back and said he was 100% sure he wanted to come back, and I believed him.
I do have the book surviving an affair, lovebusters, and another on that I can't remember the name of plus the workbook.

jct94,

you have to expose wide and far, everyone and then you have to give your husband a choice all contact stops or you are out of his life ...........if he won't stop kick him out and go to plan B a dark one. You are enabling this to go on and as long as you do he can have both lives together at the same time both women. You need to go dark, no contact at all he needs to know what it is going to be like without you filling any of his needs, the best way to end the affair is for them to both see each other a 100 percent having to fill every need for the other, it will blow the fantasy out of the water, he will have to quit his job as well, no contact with the OW forever.
Listen to MelodyLane she can walk you through this every step of the way, if you want to save this it is a narrow road to recovery.
please listen

Plan B is your best option because living with your abusive husband will destroy your mental and physical health. You are probably already experiencing health problems because of it. And you are all your children have. Their father has essentially left the marriage. Where would your children go if you have a nervous breakdown? It is not in ANYONE's best interest for your husband to remain in the home while he carries on his affair, especially your children.

I would get his bags packed, call the locksmith and put him out. Once he is moved out, you can give him a Plan B letter telling him to not contact you until he has ended his affair and left that job.

Do this for your children. And be sure and tell them all it is because of their dad's affair and the pain it causes you. Allowing him to hang around while having his affair hurts you ALL.

Oh believe me I will listen. I followed bits and pieces from several sources last time and I know that I need to follow it exactly this time. Should I re expose? His work knows that he has come back home? He told me the day I found out not to go to his work, that everything was starting to blow over. Family knows again, and we have no friends to tell. He has 1 friend at work that I would expose to also, but there is no one else.
Also when I kick him out and go plan b should I do it right away or wait until he gets paid next week so I can make sure to get money.

I would inform his workplace that the affair is active again. As part of your plan b letter, you should work out a visitation schedule with child exchanges at someone elses home. [your parents?] Also stipulate that your children are not to be exposed to his affair. He would have to continue to pay your bills, so make arrangements for him to deposit a certain amount each week in your account. If you don't think he will do that, then you need to hire an attorney and get an agreement in place. He can't just stop supporting his family.

here

Ok, last time i took $100 a week and gave it to him and kept the rest. Hopefully that will work again. Child exchanges will be hard, because the only place he could take them would be to her house, he didn't want them around her last time though. I will have to think about that, my mothers house I don't think would work and he's going to have to figure out where he can visit with them it won't be all day visits though because he'll have no where to take them.

It is going to kill him not to be able to see them all the time.
Should exposure happen before or after plan b? Or should I try to time it all together?

As for an im is email or text really that bad? I don't knw of anyone who would do that, maybe his work friend but I don't know him that well to ask. No one from his family would work, they love drama and would get to involved. My sister is the only one who could remain neutral, but she just started a full time job and school.

I completely agree that it's time to move to Plan B, not only for yourself but for your children.

Understand that part of what affects the children is their reaction to how YOU are doing emotionally, and we already know that women who stay in Plan A (aka having contact with an active wayward) too long do NOT do well!

You would be acting in your children's best interests to go to Plan B. You can begin to heal and this will help YOU be a better mother.

Also removing the source of confusion and chaos (your WH) from the household will be a good first step towards giving them some stability and peace as well.

Good! Plan B/separation SHOULD give the WS a taste of what divorce will be like!

"Reality helps!" ~ Dr Harley (can't give the clip, but have heard him say this on the radio show)

Just my 2 cents, but I would expose after moving to Plan B.

How soon can you get into Plan B?

the fastest would probably be a week. My sister is out of state until Thursday, and I have to figure out if she can be a im, and talk to people and see if they can be a drop off. And figure out the logistics of all of this, a visitation schedule, cars, it' a lot to figure out. I just found this out wednesday, i'm still in shock a bit. i'm going to try to get this ready before then but i need to have everything in place first. should i do Plan A in the meantime?

Just be a good mother and avoid lovebusters.

People misinterpret Plan A to mean that you should knock yourself out meeting his ENs. No.

All you need to do is demonstrate a willingess to meet his ENs if he will end the A and work on R, which you have already done.

You mean you just found out Wed that the A was active?

Yes,that it was still active. He swears that he did stop seeing her at first and I believe him because he started to change and act more involved, then around the end of April he started getting defensive and middle of May is when his phone stayed at work.

Ok so why your getting your logistics figured out in regards to the kids drop off/pick ups do you have your exposure list ready?

Do you have your Plan B letter written? Can you text or email your sister about being an IM? She can have all her correspondence with your WH through email.

Send her the IM training link that is in the "How to Plan B Correctly" thread.

Exposure list yes, Plan B letter not yet, I'm going to work on that tonight. She can't check her email I can text though, but I really don't think she will be able to do it w/ work and school.

I realize that you weren't fully "listening" before to the MB plan and now you are. So just want to make sure: You understand that as long as they work together, you must consider the A still active, no matter what. Right??

Yes, I know that he will need to find another job before we can work on anything. I wished I would have listened to advice before.

A little update, Friday I went to his work to see if she was there. She wasn't neither was he. How could I forget it was inventory day?? His mom came w/ me to drive by her house he was there, we fought and he didn't come home that night. He later said it was just a visit?!?!
He came home saturday while I was out, I told him he could not stay here. He refused to leave. I really have nowhere to go. He's been really horrible to me again. I tried kicking him out again last night, he refused said he would go when he was ready, I told him no go now. He said he would when the kids were asleep. He's still here. I really think he has no intentions of actually leaving even though she is pushing him to, and he told her he would.

I found 1 of her ex's (there are many) and he told me that this is what she does. She manipulates people and uses them. She has broken up at least 4 other families that he knows of. She told WH that this ex was a child molester, had child porn on his computer and burned it so the fbi wouldn't find out, tried to pay his friends to rape her, and beat her, but he is the one who filed for divorce. After talking to him and what WH has said I really believe she is a sociopath.

He is on vacation this week which is making it harder, I don't know if he plan on leaving this weekend (I really don't think he intends to leave, but who knows?) after camping. But I think my best bet is to do this Monday he works 2nd shift, I can get there before he gets off drop off his stuff, give him the plan b letter, and he won't be able to get back in the house. I'll take his house keys before work. Every day he gets a tea from the gas station, I'll go and use his keys and replace them w/ old keys so he doesn't notice.

Oh and my sister can't be an IM, she is the only one who would keep it strictly finances, everyone else would pass any message along. I don't know what to do if we kept it to text he could still put whatever he wants in there. Has any one been able to do this w/ no IM?

Oh yeah Saturday we had a long talk he was really defensive at first, but I held his hand and made him look at me. I told him this was killing his family, me the kids, and if he won't stop I will have to move on with my life. He started crying, real tears. So hard that he couldn't even speak. I know that deep down he loves me. I don't understand why he is doing this to his family. What is the pull towards her? When I kicked him out before he did not like it there at all, now they are on different shifts, so they will pretty much only see each other at work. He'll sit there with her 27 yo unemployed son. I even pointed out to him that her last 3 husbands she has cheated on and left. She left her last husband while w/ him. Her ex says she never keeps a man around for longer than 5 years. and her last 2 husbands were less than 2 years. A year ago he would have thought very little of a person like this, now he defends her.

jct94 -- PUSH him towards her. That is the way to break up this affair the fastest. It will not last, and the sooner he lives with these consequences, the sooner his fog will clear.

Get your ducks in a row, and get into Plan B QUICKLY.

Do not allow him access to you AT ALL. Make him take all 8 kids (and where he visits with them is NOT YOUR PROBLEM, with the rule that he NOT expose them to his whore.)

I will take all the advice I'm given and I will go NC, but won't that make him forget about me and get over me and push him towards her? When I kicked him out last time he was always here, and he wanted me to be here to. Every time I told him I should leave he said that's not nesacarry, and he often wanted to go places with me when I did. Isn't that what made him want to come home?

This is what you should be doing and what Dr Harley would encourage you to do.

jct -- what happens in an affair is that the OW is meeting a handful of his needs (usually admiration, conversation, and sex) while YOU are still meeting all the others.

Once you take yourself out of the equation, he will begin realizing that he misses all those needs that you are able to meet, and that OW can't do those. He will realize that you are able to meet the needs that OW is meeting and that you are the better choice.

But if you remain in the equation -- you actually help the affair to continue -- because he has 2 women competing and meeting ALL of his needs. While he tells you he is conflicted, in truth he is not. He is not trying to decide between you, he would like BOTH of you. And he will continue with that situation for as long as he can get away with it. He would continue sitting on that fence until one of you pushes him off of it.

Are you reading our posts about going into Plan B? Your husband wants to have 2 women meeting his needs. Are you ok with being woman #2, an option? If you are good with being part of a harem, then you should continue as you are. I will just tell you that men typically find women competing over them to be very unattractive. It makes you a less likely option.

Plan B will not get him back, but sitting by as his option will not either. It just makes you the less valuable option because the price tag is so cheap and easy.

Keep looking and find an IM. Staying in touch via texting is not Plan B and completely defeats the purpose. We are not just making up rules to entertain ourselves, we are telling you how it works.

I understand I know I was not in plan b before. I will follow everything that has been posted. He is taking our kids camping from tomorrow on. I can't kick him out right in front of the kids (the big kids do know he's being kicked out and why) and he won't leave on his own. Monday when he leaves for work is the soonest I can do this. It will give me time to figure out an IM and we won't be together anyway, me, the baby and my 14 yo dd are staying here.

Have you asked him to leave? You CAN ask him respectfully to leave in front of your kids. Tell him his affair is too painful for you to endure and ask him to pack up and leave.

No, we have seen people have nervous breakdowns from trying to not have an IM.

I have asked him to leave. 3x since Saturday, he has refused yesterday he said no then I told him again and he said he would leave when the kids are sleeping, he did not. He said he'll leave when he's ready. When I asked when he planned on it, he said he doesn't know. I know she is pushing him to stay. He is already packed. I did that for him when I saw him at her house. He said he can pack for himself.
I really don't think that he has any intentions of leaving. I have to do it when he's already out of the house. Even when I kicked him out last time, he still tried to follow me to the car. He told his sister last time he wouldn't have left even though he told me over and over he was going to. I will see if his work friend can be our IM. If not then the only people I have left are people who will tell me everything he says.

You should consult an attorney.
Tell the attorney that your husband is having an affair and comes in and out of the marital home, causing you emotional stress.
Explain to the attorney that you are following the advice of Dr Bill Harley author of Surviving an Affair and you need to get him out of the home and file for child support and ensure your finances are protected.

The attorney can help with this and the initial visit is usually free. I would do this first because you don't want him to empty the bank accounts when he leaves.

And DONT tell him you are seeing an attorney.

Child support was established when he left last time, he also gave me the rest of his check. I just gave him $100 a week out of it, our divorce is also 1/2 paid for. He already knows I've seen a lawyer and paid 1/2 the retainer last time. We never stopped the c.s. order so I would still have that, plus we talked the other day and I told him I would need the same amount of money this time because I wold have a hard time finding a job, and he said he would do that.

Also with NC, our neices graduation party is coming up in August, they waited until other family were going to be here. So how do I handle that? It's his sisters daughter, but I babysat her every day until she was 10, she does feel like one of my own to me. I can't ask him not to go, and I would be so disapointed not to go and so would my niece, also our kids bday party is coming up. One has his bday in june the other july and we always do the party mid july. How do I do that now?
And the IM, it's looking like the only people I can get are going to be ones who will pass everything along or tell us what we are doing. We don't belong to a church or anything, are they better options than text? I can ignore what he texts, but they will tell him my reaction to what he says.

jct, you would need to skip any events that he will be attending. Seeing him at some event will make you feel horrible. Just send a nice present to the niece and explain to her on the phone why you can't be there. You don't need to be there to send your best wishes.

I would keep working on getting a good IM. "Texting' is not an option. It defeats the entire purpose.

Ok, I have a few more questions. I have not gone to plan B yet, our son was involved in an accident and broke both his arm and leg, he may need surgery which we'll find out for sure August 29. I was planning on kicking him out after that. As bad as things are I need him here to help with the kids while we've been to all my sons appointments.
I did a 2cnd workplace expousure, this time certified mail and cc'd. He was approached by upper management and is furious. I'm not sure I ever have seen him this mad, he said I am trying to ruin his life, he can't trust me now, I humilliated him, just all kinds of stuff. So I think it had the opposite effect on him?

As for plan b he has already figured out what I'm going to do (he knows because I was getting ready to do this last time). He said he won't go through anyone else, he wants to be able to see the kids more and he doesn't see why I can't be here as well, that I'm being immature about this. Obviously I can make sure I'm not here when he sees the kids. There isn't any other place for him to see them except for her house and that is not happening. And I can block his phone # from my cell and not answer if he calls the house, but what else can I do? I cannot afford to change the locks, I'm just planning on taking his house key, last time he kept 1 that I thought he lost though. Also some of the older kids don't want to see him when he leaves, how do I handle that? Mostly my 11 & 14 yo. My 16 & 17 both have friends they see on the weekends and my 17 yo has a job that he works on the weekends

Other than this I'm all set for plan B, just waiting to see what the dr says.

Is he still at the house?

You can't go to a Home appliance store and buy new locks and have someone help you install them?

Why did you do a second exposure at his workplace? Did the first one not get through?

Having any communication with him is not Plan B?

If he won't communicate through an IM then he doesn't get to hear from you.

Is he still with OW?

He is still in the house, with our 11 yo being pretty much bedridden until the casts come off, I really need his help w/ our other 7 children. Th casts come off August 29 and hopefully he'll not need surgery.

I can get the locks but I really have no one that could put them in, I can't ask my 16 or 17 yo to change the locks on their dad, and really I know of no one else. We are living pretty much paycheck to paycheck right now, with school starting I just can't afford the cost.

I did a 2nd exposure because I received no response from the 1st and that was done last year he stopped the affair and then restarted it.

He is still with her, I know that any communication is not plan b, I plan on ignoring anything he tries, is it normal for WH's to try and ignore nc?

Do your children know the truth about their dad's affair?

Yes waywards who want to play the "you don't tell me who I have to talk to" card does not respect the BS's need for NC. It's abuse. They continue to be entitled and inflict pain on the BS.

Their dad chose to break up the family not you or them.

My oldest 4 do, the younger ones are 6, 4, 3 and 8 months. I am going to tell the 6 yo, my 4 yo I'm not sure yet and the 3 yo and 8 month old wouldn't understand anyway.

Jct, I just read your thread and wanted to extend my utmost sympathy to you. I am also a betrayed spouse with a large family (not quite as large as yours - we have five kids) and I understand just how devastating this is. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I agree the 3 and 8mo are too young.

Have you seen this?
_________________________

I kicked my husband out last week. I was going to wait until after my sons dr. appointment, but I realised that I would be under less stress with him gone.

I took his stuff to work at lunch along with my plan b letter, and his lunch. I probably shouldn't have taken his lunch though.

So the only IM I have available is my sister and it's not working out well, he of course doesn't want an IM and she works in the er and goes to school and messages are not getting anywhere in a timely fashion. There have also been a few times where she hasn't received messages I've sent, my husband has also ignored most of her texts and texted me directly. I've gotten a new phone with a new # that he does not know.

As of right now he sees the kids in our home and he has gone along with what I asked of coming in/out the front and I use the back. Yesterday he left a note in my laptop though, saying that he doesn't gas money money to come out here tomorrow and thursday unless i have gas money and that he really wishes I could be nice to him (I think he means sit and talk with him like last time) once and a while. I'm at a loss of what to do there is not 1 single person I can think of to be an IM, how can I fix this situation?

Hi jct, more later, but for now I would change the locks so he can't come in your home. He needs to pick up the kids and take them out for visitation. Set up a very rigid visitation schedule, such as every Wednesday night from 5 to 7 and every Saturday from 1 to 4.

In the meantime, I would look to find another IM. Why is he sending you so much communication? If only PERTINENT communication about child visitation and finances is passed on, then what is all this communication regarding? Communication should be very rare if you set everything up in advance, such as an iron clad visitation.

Oh wait, I see you have an 8 month old. In that case, I would arrange visitation/pickups at someone's house.

I wish there was somewhere else he could see the kids, all our family here just don't have the room for 8 kids to come or just won't. I honestly can't think of 1 person who could be an IM. We didn't go to church or have any friends. My husband does have 1 friend who I thought of but his brother has leukimia and that is where his focus is right now. I wouldn't feel right asking him for this. Until he left the note this was working well with me leaving, we didn't run into each other at all.

Last time when he was gone anytime he came I was here, I cooked dinner, and we put the younger ones to bed and sat on the couch and talked (I know, I know, it was stupid but I've learned)and within a couple weeks he was wanting to come back. I think he thought it would be the same this time.

The communication is mostly when he'll see the kids, I did give him the schedule for visitation, but he thinks that it isn't enough, and this week i said he could have extra since it was the last week before school starts. He works 2nd shift so he can see them during the week now. The schedule I gave him was Tuesday & Thursday 12 -3:10 Saturday & Sunday 1-5 and 1 lunch a week, but he had to bring his own lunch and text our IM 1 day in advance. I printed out our county general visitation schedule also so he could see what he would get in a divorce.

What he had last time was Saturday & Sunday around 11-1 until 8-9. Towards the end he came closer to 11 and left after 9 sometimes. He also came for lunches anywhere from 2-4x a week. Every Wednesday while I took my kids to appointments, I picked him up around 9:30 and he left at worktime. He did not have a car but we were looking for 1 for me and after finding one he waned to com 2 or 3 more times during the week from 11 until he had to leave for work.

I found out friday that my husband has been talking to her again. I found a text on his phone. First dd was 10/12 he wanted to leave for her but wasn't sure when. I kicked him out 1/13 he came home 3/13 to work on things found out 6/13 he was seeing her again kicked him out 8/13. Right from the start he wanted to come back 10/13 he came back and swore this is what he wanted seemed at first to be trying very hard.
He didn't quit his job but worked opposite shift, not that it mattered. He said it was just friends on his part, but I got a hold of another text sunday from her saying how much she loves him. I took all his crap up to his work that night and told his coworker to have him call her to get it. I also took my van (our only working vehichle right now.)
He walked home calling our 18 yo to get him, thinking I was going to give him the van to bring his stuff back.
He calls the kids everynight and sounds sad, like he's crying. I've spoke/texted to him a few times and he's made comments that he wants to come back here and he's not happy.
Here's the thing, I spoke to OW's ex and this is something she does, she did it with another man for 5 years back and forth, and every relationship she's been in has began and ended in cheating. I can't put my kids through this again. I'm not sure I want him back here, I've already spoken to a lawyer.
I'm not sure I have feelings for him anymore. He said something stupid about no money for his lunches and for a second I felt bad for him, but then I was like whose fault is that?
I feel like he wants to have his fun and then come back here when he's done. He had 2 other chances and he threw it in my face, and he will not quit his job. and if he was really so unhappy why stay? Why not make things right with his family?
I really don't know what to do here, I have 8 kids to take into consideration. I never though he would do this again.

Sorry you're back.

He never quit his job? So he works with OW?

Who have you exposed to? Did you ever expose to their job?

Yes, I exposed both times. He does still work there. We have 8 kids and another job that pays as well as this one would be hard to come by. I'm at a complete loss this time. I knew from her ex that she wouldn't stop. I thought after the last time he couldn't hurt us like this again though.

Have you considered using Marriage Builders? I will go look at your previous thread but I am pretty sure we gave you all these steps before.

I am sorry you chose the job over your marriage. This is why we told you he had to leave the job.

Threads are merged. Please stick to one thread.

I know I screwed up, but we have 8 kids it's not like he could just quit without another job. I can't change what happened then, right now is what I need to work on.

Then please understand this fact (that I learned the hard way):


His affair WILL NOT END while he still works with the OW.

Then why don't you give him 30 days to leave that job or you will expose to his workplace?

His affair will never end if they continue to work together.

Since you choose his job over your marriage you need to separate and go into Plan B. Contact a lawyer and have your finances secured.

I've already exposed to his workplace. Both this time and last time. I chose my kids having a place to live and food. I wouldn't let him back working there again, but sometimes it's not that simple.
And her ex has told me that she will find him, she follows these guys until she's moved on. I know that I screwed up, where do I go from here? I kicked him out with planning, just knowing I couldn't go through the pain of him living here at the same time. Tomorrow is my kids birthday party and at that time I plan to give him the info about visitation and such. He'll then be blocked from anything involving me. Is there really any chance this marriage can be saved? He's gone back to her 3x now.

Yes it can be saved if you can kill the affair and get away from OW and he lives with EPs to protect you and your marriage and affair proof your marriage.

Who did you expose to at his job?

Ma'am, we know it is not simple because we have helped HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE take these steps over the years. You refused to take those steps. We told you the affair would never end if he continued to work there. So now you are close to divorce so you DID NOT choose to protect your children.

What is your plan, jct?

To keep spinning your wheels while your H goes off and sees the OW at work until you have a nervous breakdown? Then what will your children do??

I get it ok, I screwed up. I wish I could but I can't go back and change it. Pointing it out over and over won't change it either. I did what I thought was best for my kids at the time, have none of you never did something that you look back and realize was wrong. I'm not spinning my wheels. I'm trying to keep it together for my kids right now. I kicked him out sunday night and told my kids monday 4 of them are under 7. I guess all you handled this way better because right now we are in survival mode. In about an hour I'm going to put my babies to sleep and I'm sure just like every other night this week they are going to cry for their dad.
At this very minute my plan is to make it through bedtime without breaking down again. I really don't know what my plan is, I have so much to figure out I don't even know where to start. Do you really think kicking a person when they are down is helpful??

Who did you expose to at their jobs?

Can you get to your doctor for some ADs?

I would get into Plan B. Continuing down this path is going to send you to the hospital. Can you get into Plan B?

Here, How to Plan B Correctly

Then what is up with the insulting excuses about why you ignored our advice the last time? It is not reassuring when you tell us you were just "doing what was best for the kids" when you allowed things to get so bad that your marriage is much worse than when you first arrived.

People here want to help you but you can't be helped if you persist in making up lame excuses. Excuses won't solve the problem. We have seen people with more kids than you and in much worse situations resolve their marriage problems. Was it simple? Hell NO. But was it easier than enduring infidelity? YES!

I exposed to everyone that I could think of, human resources, 1st, 2nd and 3rd shift supervisor & forman, union steward, vice president, president and owner. I'm trying to get my Plan B together. Last time I kicked him out after I had all this together. I had no trouble having no comunication, but visitation was always at this house. I left before he got here and came home after. But how much visitation is expected last time he wanted tues-friday 11-3 so he pretty much just slept at OW house and sat and sunday from around 12 until 6 which is the time I set for him to leave. Should I send the kids over there? Honestly I can't stand the thought of her being around my babies and he's been dead set against them meeting her. I'll think about seeing the dr. I know I'm not in a good place right now.

This time, offer him 2 hours on Wednesday night and every other Saturday afternoon from 1 to 5. He will have to pick them up and take them some place and they can't ever be around the OW. I would change the locks just before you send him the Plan B letter so he can't come in the house. Do you have someone who do the child exchanges for you?

Sometimes supporting someone means calling them out on behavior that is harmful or dangerous. 2x4s are sometimes the only way to help someone out of the fog. And yes, you were in your own BS fog.

If anyone understands that this is a extremely difficult situation, it would be the posters on this forum, some (myself included) who have been down this exact road.

Please stick around and do NOT disappear this time. We really do want to help you.

Please consider asking the doctor about getting on ADs to help you through this.

How is it an insulting exuse? It insults you because I thought I was doing what was best for my kids? That's just crazy!
And I don't keep making lame exuses. I thought I was doing what was best at the time. It's 1 thing, I wasn't trying to exuse anything, I was telling you the reason why I did it. I admitted I was wrong, but you kept coming on to point the same thing out over and over.
Do you seriously never make a mistake?? If you don't follow someone's advice doing what you thought would work for your family, would you think it's ok for them to keep on you about it?
I really don't know what else you want from me, Im sorry I didn't follow your advice exactly, in hind sight I should have, but this is where I am now, and no matter how much you point it out, I'm still here, not able to change the past.
I'm willing to accept advice and you can be damn sure I will follow every step, but I can't go back and do it right last time.

Agree with all of the above.

I think you are forgetting who the enemy is here - this A.

Not VOLUNTEER posters who are trying to help you.

If you keep this up, Melody may abandon this thread. Trust me - you DO NOT want that.

What is insulting is the suggestion that WE were giving you advice that was harmful to your children when it is YOUR LACK OF ACTIONS that have been harmful to your children. And no, I don't see you admitting it was wrong. If you thought that, you wouldn't be justifying your lack of action.

We have all been through what you have gone through and many have been through MUCH WORSE. You are not the only person here who has been through a bad time!

If you want help then lose the excuses and lose the ATTITUDE. We don't have to help you and folks won't help you if you are rude and ungrateful.

The locks were changed tuesday even though I already took his house keys. I have no one who could do exchanges but I have older kids, 18, 17, 15 who can be there with the little ones and bring them home. So no more in the house for him? That was when I went to the gym and ran errands and it was very easy to just leave before and come home after. The first time he left I did need AD. The second time I went to the gym and did not need them, it made me feel a lot better. Much better than the meds. I have our only vehichle do I leave that to him? Last time he had OW deop him off up the road.

I'm not trying to be rude at all. I know I'm coming off as a witch and I'm really not, I promise. I was wrong and I do wish I followed your advice. I am going to follow it all this time, no exuses and no varrying. I think for tonight I'm going to bed though I've been up since 1 a.m. and I think it's starting to show.

Yes, your older kids can help load the little ones into his car. He will have to buy a vehicle to pick up the kids. But the stipulation will be that he NEVER takes the kids around the OW.

And he should never be allowed to set foot in the house again unless and until he ends his affair, finds a new job and commits to saving your marriage.

Good girl!

You keep the vehicle and he will have to figure out how to pick up the kids. He chose to keep having an affair, this his part of his consequences.

Also, make it very clear he does not take the children around OW.