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#2694439 - 01/01/13 10:48 PM Need help and advice
witsend23 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/01/13
Posts: 1
Four and a half years ago I had an affair on my husband we had been married for several years at this time. He found out about it at the time and I didn't tell him all the truth. About a year ago he found new evidence about the affair and I told him everything. The affair ended when he originally found out about it and it was with a co worker that I no longer work with or see. In the time between the half truth and whole truth my husband and I have had our first child. The past year has been difficult because he brings the affair up at least on a weekly basis. I get very mad and angry about it and can't deal with the emotional stress that comes with his anger and resentment. He says everything makes him think about it and he deals with it on his mind on a daily basis. I know I had the affair and I need to deal with the consequences but when is enough enough? I want him to get over this and I want us to raise our family together. I am currently 2 months pregnant with our 2nd child and I can't live like this for the rest of my life. It seems like whenever we have an arguement he bings up the past and it either shuts me up or makes the fight worse. I've tried talking to him to work through things and everything is always turned around to be my fault and I can't get through to him. He can turn everything I say around. If anyone has any advice for me it would be greatly appreciated.

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#2694442 - 01/01/13 11:04 PM Re: Need help and advice [Re: witsend23]
MelodyLane Offline
Member

Registered: 04/10/01
Posts: 77273
Loc: Texas
Hi witsend, welcome to Marriage Builders. Your husband has much more to overcome than just an affair, but YEARS of lying and trickery. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to him in his life. His resentment must be absolutely tremendous and I am sure you can understand why.

The way to recover is to a) tell him the full truth if you have not already, b) offer to take a polygraph, c) affair proof your marriage by committing to never ever seeing, speaking or emailing this loser again, d) removing the conditions that led to your affair, such as pisspoor boundaries around men and e) creating a romantic, passionate marriage. Creating a happy marriage NOW will take his mind out of the horrible past you have inflicted upon him.

In short, you need to offer him just compensation for the crimes you have committed against him in order to recover. An affair is not something that can just be swept under the rug. You can see how far that has got you thus far. It doesn't work like that.

Do you still work at the same place as your OM? Is he married and if so, does his wife know what you have done?

Will your husband come here and let us help him through this?
_________________________
Happily married to my cute husband!

Exposure 101 <--READ THIS IF YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!

I will give thanks to Thee, O LORD my God, with all my heart, and will glorify Thy name forever. Psalms 86:12
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

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#2694443 - 01/01/13 11:04 PM Re: Need help and advice [Re: witsend23]
MelodyLane Offline
Member

Registered: 04/10/01
Posts: 77273
Loc: Texas
_________________________
Happily married to my cute husband!

Exposure 101 <--READ THIS IF YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!

I will give thanks to Thee, O LORD my God, with all my heart, and will glorify Thy name forever. Psalms 86:12
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

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#2694444 - 01/01/13 11:12 PM Re: Need help and advice [Re: witsend23]
MelodyLane Offline
Member

Registered: 04/10/01
Posts: 77273
Loc: Texas
Originally Posted By: witsend23
. The affair ended when he originally found out about it and it was with a co worker that I no longer work with or see.


Where is the coworker NOW? Do you ever speak to him in any way, shape or form? Is he married?
_________________________
Happily married to my cute husband!

Exposure 101 <--READ THIS IF YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!

I will give thanks to Thee, O LORD my God, with all my heart, and will glorify Thy name forever. Psalms 86:12
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

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#2694449 - 01/01/13 11:57 PM Re: Need help and advice [Re: witsend23]
GloveOil Offline
Member

Registered: 10/23/09
Posts: 1729
Loc: Virginia
Witsend, welcome to MarriageBuilders.

Well, you've put yourself in a tough spot.

It's possible for couples to recover a marriage after an affair & attain a marriage that is better than before the affair (and this needs to be your goal). I know this, because 4 years ago I got myself into an affair.

However, recovery is not an easy or quick process, and your situation is especially difficult because not only does your husband need to cope with the affair and the lies & deceit that occured during it, but also with the more than 3 years' worth of lies & deceit afterwards. This is what's known as "trickle-truth", and it gravely hamstrings marital recovery after an affair.

In addition to the links posted by MelodyLane, I would direct your attention to the following:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html Please familiarize yourself with the concepts described therein, as this will help you make more sense of some of the advice you'll get here on this forum.

Recovery even in best-case scenarios generally seems to take about 2 years from when the full truth of the affair & its extent are revealed to the betrayed spouse. It's only been a year in your case, and because of the 3+ years of cover-up, yours is not a best-case scenario. So it should not be surprising if your husband brings up the past. After all, he thought he had the truth previously, but after suffering the initial blow of learning of your infidelity, he then suffered through the second hammer-blow of discovering the additional 3+ years of deception at the hands of the one person in the world upon whom he'd most counted to have his back.

It is still possible to get to where he doesn't bring up the past any longer. (For example, my wife has not spoken a solitary word about my affair in two years, because we have made implemented changes to our lives over the past 4 years since the affair that have made our marriage more secure, as well as more mutually fulfilling.) However, it sounds like you have a long way to go in order to get to that point.

Answers to a few questions will help give us a better sense of where you stand & things that you may yet need to do in order to help your husband heal and to better your odds of saving this marriage:

1 -- How long have you been married?

2 -- How did the affair start?

3 -- Was the other man also married?

4 -- How long did it last?

5 -- How & why did it end?

6 -- What was the "new evidence" that your husband found only a year ago?

7 -- Was the affair (and its extent) exposed once it had ended, and if so, to whom was it exposed?

8 -- When was your last contact with your affair-partner?

9 -- What steps have you taken in the past year since disclosure of your affair to help your husband feel emotionally-safe with you? Specifically, which "extraordinary precautions" have you implemented? (list them, please)

10 -- Have you made your husband the offer to take a polygraph regarding the facts of the affair?

11 -- Given the timeline of the affair & full disclosure, have you made your husband the offer to take a paternity test regarding your first child?



_________________________
Me: FWH, 46
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 48, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD19, DS15
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 21 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [censored]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009

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#2694460 - 01/02/13 06:13 AM Re: Need help and advice [Re: witsend23]
NeverGuessed Offline
Member

Registered: 03/06/10
Posts: 6352
Loc: New York
Mel and GO have given you some great advice, but I'm going to add, or at least emphasize, a point that should be your guiding star until you and BH get to some resolution:

Sweetie, it AIN'T about you!

It ain't about YOUR resentment about his resentment. It ain't about YOUR emotional distress. It ain't about your evident disapproval(!) that he tells you he deals with this on a daily basis.

The only thing you should have been (and now, if you stick around, will be) concerned with is: HOW CAN YOU HELP HIM RECOVER FROM YOUR HORRIBLE BETRAYAL? Read that phrase again, and commit it to memory. It may be possible to recover your marriage, but you might as well know up front, until you and he get to a point about feeling better, YOU will spend some time feeling a lot worse.

Resign yourself first of all to that polygraph. You go ahead and schedule it.
_________________________
If the HEARTS of our enemies, Lord, cannot be turned,
then let their ANKLES be,
so we may know them by their limping!
My Story
Addenda

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#2694490 - 01/02/13 08:34 AM Re: Need help and advice [Re: witsend23]
TheRoad Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/07
Posts: 5502
"Four and a half years ago I had an affair on my husband we had been married for several years at this time."


BH found out you cheated during the honeymoon stages. The affair sent BH the message that in his prime he was not good enough for you.


"He found out about it at the time and I didn't tell him all the truth. About a year ago he found new evidence about the affair and I told him everything."


You broke his trust twice. The affair, then making him recover by living a lie all these years.


"The affair ended when he originally found out about it and it was with a co worker that I no longer work with or see."


How did your BH find out and why did the affair end so fast?

Was a NC letter sent, exposure done, DNA paternity test just to put your BH's mind at ease, what have you done to rebuild trust?


"In the time between the half truth and whole truth my husband and I have had our first child. The past year has been difficult because he brings the affair up at least on a weekly basis. I get very mad and angry about it and can't deal with the emotional stress that comes with his anger and resentment. He says everything makes him think about it and he deals with it on his mind on a daily basis. I know I had the affair and I need to deal with the consequences but when is enough enough? I want him to get over this and I want us to raise our family together. I am currently 2 months pregnant with our 2nd child and I can't live like this for the rest of my life. It seems like whenever we have an arguement he bings up the past and it either shuts me up or makes the fight worse. I've tried talking to him to work through things and everything is always turned around to be my fault and I can't get through to him. He can turn everything I say around. If anyone has any advice for me it would be greatly appreciated."


You are right this affair needs to be put in the past. Rug sweeping is not the way. You need an attitude change. One it is your fault you had an affair. That was all your own choice. BH's do not want to here blame shifting.

How did your BH find new evidence?

This affair is 8 year old news to you because you know the whole story, every piece of the puzzle.

This lastest trickling of truth has made the affair new again. Evey time your BH has learned about the affair it is something new that you have lied about. Your BH's brain is all unsettled and all you have shown him is that there is always going to be another shoe to drop.

Why are you and the OM no longer working together?

Does BH know OM's identity?

Was OM married, or had a GF and has BH wanted to tell his BW?

Glad you came to MB because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley and keep posting here.

Edit to add What type of place do you work at?
Does it bother your BH that you still work there?
Do others there know about the affair?
Who else knows about the affair?
Any friends help you carry out the affair?


Edited by TheRoad (01/02/13 08:42 AM)

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#2694496 - 01/02/13 08:56 AM Re: Need help and advice [Re: witsend23]
JessicaClaire Offline
Member

Registered: 10/18/12
Posts: 707
You wrote, "everything is always turned around to be my fault and I can't get through to him." It sounds as though you are trying to spread the blame for your infidelity. Dr. Harley explains that there are reasons for infidelity, but no excuses. I hope you aren't trying to convince your husband that he is partly responsible for your infidelity. He isn't. Your infidelity is 100% your fault.

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#2694737 - 01/03/13 07:45 AM Re: Need help and advice [Re: JessicaClaire]
OldWarHorse Offline
Member

Registered: 04/08/11
Posts: 274
So, we23 came here looking for sympathy for the mess she created, and when she didn't get the "advice" (read: pity) she was looking for, she bugged out. She seems to have trouble facing the consequences of her decisions and coming to grips with the fact that entrapping her husband into her world of lies did much more damage than the affair itself.

Run, we23, run. Hasn't helped you yet, but if you keep running, maybe one of these days you'll escape yourself.

Man, this woman seems really familiar . . . Honey, is that you?

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