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Alrighty, where to begin. His Needs, Her Needs has been recommended to me by a couple people and I have yet to get a copy because I have been unemployed/underemployed for over 3 years. I've been separated for almost a year in the hopes that I get back into a good-paying job that will support my family. Hasn't happened. I've been hoping that all the self-improvement that I have been engaged in (and it has been significant) would be noticed, and my wife would open a dialogue so we can start to repair our marriage.

A little about her: She is NOT a communicator. She does not discuss issues like an adult - she keeps her feelings inside until they angrily spill out, then there is no 'discussion', only what "You need to do to fix things", meaning me. Very frustrating. I've tried to express my feelings time after time and she just will not take my feelings or viewpoint into consideration.

We have 2 daughters - 4 years and 15 months. My family is my world. Everything else is secondary, but I don't see my girls as much as I need to. I watch them at my house (where I am not currently living) 5 days a week, all day. I practically live there except that when my wife comes home from work, I leave.

I should mention that she filed for divorce in January, and the 30 day window has elapsed. I cannot afford an attorney so she will end up getting an uncontested settlement.

Last Thursday evening she got home and immediately got the girls ready for bed, an hour earlier than usual. Red flag. When I left, a little voice told me to park down the street and watch, which I did. Ten minutes hadn't passed when the other man pulled up and went into my house. I had suspected his existence, but hadn't caught them. SInce it was dark, I went to my backyard and watched them through my windows as they watched a movie, snuggling on the sofa, then moved to the bedroom where I decided that I didn't need to witness any more of this and entered the house. He hid somewhere, then tore out the front door when I went into another room. I was calm and collected as I did all of this - no violence or shouting or threatening, anything like that.

So now I know, her family knows (she had cut off communication with them also). And I told her that I was not setting foot in my house after that night. It just feels dirty to me, knowing another man has been sleeping in my bed and lounging on my sofa.

I have not seen my girls for 3 days already and it's killing me. I found this site when I was searching for a copy of the aforementioned book, so here I am. I am well behind the curve here with respect to saving my marriage, which I still want to do, despite the fact that my wife is having an affair. For the record, I have not cheated. Been tempted for sure, went out on a couple dinner dates to see if that's what I wanted, but that's all the farther I went in that direction. I was not and am not interested in anyone else.

So that's me. I know I am a tadpole in a very large pond here, but any advice anyone is willing to take the time to give and point me in the right direction would be appreciated. I don't have a lot of support in the real world except for church and some counseling I did last summer when I had the money.

Cheers.


Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
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OMGosh, a million things to respond to here but very little time!

FIRST, get your thread moved over to the Surviving an Affair Forum. Do so by clicking on the "Notify" link on the bottom of your thread and ask the moderators to move it for you. It will be in the proper forum and you'll get alot more responses.

Be sure to reply to your responders and answer their questions!

SECOND-- check your local library for any of the MB books. They usually carry most of them. They are not expensive on the MB forum but you also might check Amazon.com as they sometimes have used ones for just a few dollars.

THIRD- Be sure to read the "Start Here!" thread at the top of the Surviving an Affair Forum. Read those links! It will give you a basic guideline and answer alot of your questions.

FOURTH- Why are YOU out of the house? You need to move back in, if at all possible.

FIFTH- Did you recognize this guy as he was exiting? Did your W admit who he is? You need to find out who he is!


Welcome to Marriage Builders! You are not alone!







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Recovered!!
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Blindsided,

You need to get DNA tests for your children.

God Bless
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Welcome to MB.

Please read this.
Men Don't Leave Your Home


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hey there. Sorry I haven't been quick to respond - been fighting a nasty chest/head cold.

I agree with the advice about my not being there. It has done all of the above - enabled her to cheat, exposed my kids to this amoral parasite...

When I packed a bag and left for a couple days to get away from the pressure, I did so with the intention of coming back after she cooled off, which I did, but she changed the locks on me. There is no using logic with this woman. There is no conversation, either - only what she thinks I should do to "fix things" while ignoring the underlying problems.

When I have attempted to move back in, she has threatened to call the police, and move out herself. I did not want to start another huge confrontation so I relented. Her father and other people gave me the same advice - I need to be in that house. However, a very good friend of mine went through the same thing with his wife, and having read His Needs Her Needs, advised me NOT to move back in. So I was getting all this conflicting advice, all the while going to a Christian counselor alone, trying to get her to join me. I really think I probably caused more damage by not moving back in. Consider also that she had been sleeping in the baby's room after she was born, so we had been "separated" for a while before she changed the locks on me.


Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
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No, I don't. They are obviously mine.


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There's an interesting phenomenon occurring right now, also. I exposed her affair to her family (again, her father and I have talked a lot about our problems). Her family is supporting her by ignoring the evidence that I have and listening to her baseless character assassination against me.

Here's what I know:

� There was a man in my house all evening.
� He took off his shoes and socks and looked generally very comfortable being there. This tells me that this has been going on a while.
� In his presence, my wife changed into a cotton nightshirt, and nothing else.
� They cuddled on the sofa with a movie. I could not see everything that was going on, but plenty could have.
� They retired to the bedroom where he was observed lounging comfortably on my bed.

At that point i entered the house.

Now, her brother and sister are still believing my wife's claim that "nothing happened", that they just watched a movie. They are disregarding ALL of the above activity and siding with her, saying that I have "no proof" of anything.

Are you kidding me??!!??


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Does anyone know the odds of reconciling after divorce? My WW filed 30+ days ago, and Dday was last Thursday. I am quite certain she is still deep in the fog but is hell bent on divorce. With 2 kids under 4 years of age, I would like to see us repair our marriage instead of going down this road.

It would be different if she had agreed to go to counseling int he first place, but she never has, and has never acknowledged her role in our problems, even before the infidelity. Everything is MY fault still, and I don't feel as though al of our options have been remotely exhausted before the divorce card is played.

Am I delusional?


Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
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Yes.
Dr Harley has worked with many couples reconciling after divorce and remarrying.
He also wrote an article about it


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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thanks for the links.

While I personally don't know anyone who has remarried after divorce, my friend (who used Dr. Harley's advice to save his marriage) has TWO friends who are in the process of reconciling after their divorce. I know of a couple other people as well. Not very many, though. I am hoping to avoid it in the first place but I'm just now getting involved with Dr. Harley's works and she has already filed. Kind of in panic mode and trying not to make things worse.


Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
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Hopeful_Person update

Click the link to read her most recent post/update.
Then, if interested, click on her name to view her history, you will be able to locate her first thread and read her amazing story.

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What's going on BNM?

Is the affair still ongoing?

Did you move back into your home?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Quote
When I have attempted to move back in, she has threatened to call the police, and move out herself.

Unless she has a current order of protection against you , you can legally re-enter your residence.

Go to your local sheriff's office, tell them you have been illegally locked out of your home & request an escort to re-enter the premises.

"But Pepperband, won't this be a love-buster?" Nooooooooooo

This is not a love buster. It is the 'stick' of plan A. Asserting your rights.
Just because she will not like it, does not mean it is on this LB list.


Originally Posted by Dr Harley's list of LBs
Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

Once you are safely inside, you do something on the "carrot" side of Plan A. You start to make a delicious meal. (be prepared with a bag of groceries) You clean the kitchen. You change the bed sheets .... etc.

Never raise your voice. Never show disrespect for her feelings, no matter what her feelings are. Just listen to her if she is a lunatic.

Now, this is the IMPORTANT part.
Before you enter your home, you be certain that the VAR (voice activated recorder) in your pocket is functioning. What you need to be wary of is that WW will attempt to bait you into an argument and then call the police claiming "abusive and/or threatening". You never tell WW you are protecting yourself with a VAR.

The most likely thing that will happen when you get the sheriff escort, WW will leave the house. If she does, you do a search for and adultery evidence. You put spyware on her computer. When you have a chance, put a hidden GPS on her vehicle. Research ALL these things on the MB forum "Operation Investigate".

Got it?

These are suggestions of things to DO. Your behavior and your attitude must demonstrate calm self assurance.
Can you do that?

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Originally Posted by BlindsidedNM a few hours ago, on somebody else's thread
Man I wish I could get this kind of response when I post, but I'm new, I guess.

I am in a similar boat. I wasn't controlling or anything - just clueless. I have 2 girls - 15 months and 4 years old. Caught the wife entertaining some dude in my house all evening 15 days ago. I know it had been going on for 6 or 8 months.

So I am where you are, but she filed for divorce, and had her lawyer file a motion for a retaliatory restraining order because I went in the house and caught her and her little secret red-handed. Now they are trying to get me to sign a 'parenting plan' which I am not about to sign without a judge's order.

Sorry to derail your thread, but know that I probably feel everything you do and worse. My emotional state swings like a freakin carnival ride these days and I'm a well-grounded individual. Usually.
If you want to get responses on this thread you need to post to it! You came here and made a few posts and then abandoned your thread, only to come back 10 days later and post this to someone else's thread!

You started this thread at a quiet time for this board but you did get some responses. If you need more help you need to keep turning up!


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So the wife has filed for divorce and as far as I know is still seeing the guy she is cheating with. I am out of the house and have cut off all contact with her unless it has to do with picking up my kids. She is doing all her talking through her lawyer.

I still speak to her father, though. We talk about all that has happened and he is a good source of support especially with his encyclopedic knowledge of scripture. He lives by the Bible and is not pleased with his daughter, but has not necessarily 'sided' with either of us. I am not sure if I should continue talking with him about anything, even though my wife has cut off communication with him, which hurts him. I feel bad about what she is doing, and have talked to him about all the things I did wrong in the marriage that I wish I could do right if I had a do-over - mostly in the hope that the information will get back to her if/when she ever decides that she wants to try reconciling.

So what say you - good idea or bad idea to keep talking to the FIL, and why? I am getting conflicting opinions as usual, and not sure what the right thing is.


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Originally Posted by BlindsidedNM
So the wife has filed for divorce and as far as I know is still seeing the guy she is cheating with. I am out of the house and have cut off all contact with her unless it has to do with picking up my kids. She is doing all her talking through her lawyer.

I still speak to her father, though. We talk about all that has happened and he is a good source of support especially with his encyclopedic knowledge of scripture. He lives by the Bible and is not pleased with his daughter, but has not necessarily 'sided' with either of us. I am not sure if I should continue talking with him about anything, even though my wife has cut off communication with him, which hurts him. I feel bad about what she is doing, and have talked to him about all the things I did wrong in the marriage that I wish I could do right if I had a do-over - mostly in the hope that the information will get back to her if/when she ever decides that she wants to try reconciling.

So what say you - good idea or bad idea to keep talking to the FIL, and why? I am getting conflicting opinions as usual, and not sure what the right thing is.
Have you exposed her affair? To whom?

Why did you move out of your home if she had the affair?

Are you in Plan B?

I and others asked you questions on your SAA thread, but you never responded back.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Okay, answers. Sorry, been a very rough couple of weeks.

I did expose the affair, to her parents and sister, and on Facebook to anyone on my friends list who read it. Some of her friends ore on there as well. One unfriended me. I left the post up for the better part of a day and then took it down after it had served its purpose.

I had already been out of the house for some time. A little background: I packed a bag and left for a couple days to remove myself from the "pressure-cooker" environment I was in from the constant criticism I was receiving from my wife. I have been unemployed for a while and looking for work while being caretaker to our 2 small children. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her, despite the fact that I was doing everything I knew how to get a job. Anyway, my intention was to get out of dodge for a night or two and let things cool off. Ya know, rather than blowing a gasket and doing something I'd regret later. Well, when I got back to my house she had changed the locks. When I came into the garage with my stuff, she threatened to call the police, so wanting to avoid confrontation, I left and stayed with my parents. I've tried to move back a couple more times but I've gotten the same response - threats to involve the police. While I know they cannot keep me from living in my own house, I wanted to avoid that whole scene anyway. I haven't lived in the house since.

Plan B... I guess so. I need to refresh myself on what all Plan B entails. I have cut off contact with her (and it's mutual). I watch the girls 2 days a week (not enough), and her lawyer keeps trying to get me to sign a "parenting agreement", which I will not do. I'm sure it's some kind of maneuvering that they want to play later, but I'm not having any of it. Yes, she filed for divorce.

So right now I don't know much. I don't know if she's still seeing captain [censored] or not, what her state of mind is - nothing. I've left her alone and kept myself busy to stave off the depression and insanity of it all. I know I do want to restore our marriage but I have basically gone dark.

I've also contacted Legal Aid to get some pro bono help with the divorce since I am jobless and broke. My daughter's 4th birthday is tomorrow and I am wondering if I am even going to see her. Another tough one I am having a hard time with.

Hope that answers your questions.


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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Who did you expose to on OM's side?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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