Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 69 1 2 3 4 68 69
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
It's best to stick with one thread so that we can get all details of your situation.

IMO, for a new male poster with only 10 posts, Plan B is probably not warranted at this point in time. Dr. Harley usually tries to encourage men to Plan A longer, because Plan B has little chance of winning a wife back in most scenarios.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by BlindsidedNM
So the wife has filed for divorce and as far as I know is still seeing the guy she is cheating with. I am out of the house and have cut off all contact with her unless it has to do with picking up my kids. She is doing all her talking through her lawyer.

Do you want to keep your marriage? If so, you need to expose this affair far and wide ESPECIALLY TO YOUR CHILDREN, contact this man and let him know that you intend to win your wife back and you expect him to leave, resume contact with your wife and tell her and show her that you can build a marriage with her that is everything she ever wanted.

Your children are some of the best reasons in the world to do this, if that is what you want. Their odds in life go up dramatically if their parents stay together. In fact, your odds in life go up dramatically if you keep your marriage together.

Nobody would fault you if you do not want to keep your marriage with a woman who was not faithful to you. We would gladly support you in walking away.

But if you want to save your marriage, you need to know that Plan B is not likely to work.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
You need to expose the affair to your girls, and you need to warn them that this POSOM may be a predator.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 38
P
Moderator
Member
Offline
Moderator
Member
P
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 38
Your posts have been merged to one thread. Please stick to this thread. Thank you.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by BlindsidedNM
I had already been out of the house for some time. A little background: I packed a bag and left for a couple days to remove myself from the "pressure-cooker" environment I was in from the constant criticism I was receiving from my wife. I have been unemployed for a while and looking for work while being caretaker to our 2 small children. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her, despite the fact that I was doing everything I knew how to get a job. Anyway, my intention was to get out of dodge for a night or two and let things cool off. Ya know, rather than blowing a gasket and doing something I'd regret later. Well, when I got back to my house she had changed the locks. When I came into the garage with my stuff, she threatened to call the police, so wanting to avoid confrontation, I left and stayed with my parents. I've tried to move back a couple more times but I've gotten the same response - threats to involve the police. While I know they cannot keep me from living in my own house, I wanted to avoid that whole scene anyway. I haven't lived in the house since.

This is typically a bad idea, if you want to save your marriage:

Men, do not leave your home!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Don't Plan B. Plan A.

* Finish exposure. Tell your four year old daughter. Using age appropriate language, warn your daughter that this man is not allowed to touch her or her sister in sexual ways, and that if he does this, she should tell you and get help. Tell your daughter that mommy should not be dating this man and should not have brought him into your lives, because she was married to you, and that this was wrong.
* Get back into your home if legally possible. I understand it may not be, at this point, due to divorce proceedings.
* Beg friends for help getting a lawyer.
* GET A JOB. You have got to get a job.
* See a doctor about getting on antidepressants. If you don't, your emotions will make it impossible for you to function. If you want your marriage back, you are going to have to override your emotional reactions and stick to a very difficult course. Being out of work PLUS all this crap happening on top of you has surely taken a massive emotional toll. You need some help to override that, because you are in for the ride of your life to get this POSOM out of your wife and daughters' lives and recover your marriage.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
Wow.. where to start answering all these. Appreciate the merging of threads.. I wish I could get on here more often but I am rather busy juggling a lot of stuff at once.

I'll work backward, I guess.

My oldest daughter turned 4 this week. I don't think exposing the affair to her would be useful. She does not seem very aware of everything that is happening. I don't even know how much time if any she has spent with the scumbag.

Lawyer - I have contacted Legal Aid but have not heard back. I got a number of a guy who does simple divorces for Dept of Vocational Rehab. This is not going to be a simple divorce. I would really like her to stop the proceedings, actually.

Get a job - I've been trying. There are no jobs here. Wherever you live, it is worse here, I guarantee you. I have applied everywhere, even retail, and no interviews, nothing. I've been putting time into a new business venture also, since I actually believe that may be more likely to get me any kind of income.

Doctor - no medical insurance. No job, no income = No antidepressants. I have been selling my belongings just to be able to eat and put gas in my car. That's it. All of my bills remain unpaid and in arrears. If we ever do reconcile, there is a huge debt that will be staring us down (still will be regardless, I guess). As for being emotional - I've gone into robot mode since catching her, so I don't know if it will be much of a problem.

Plan B - I have been trying this but I really don't have anyone who can be an IM. We have a retail business and I have been picking the girls up there and dropping them off. She stays in her office until the exchange is complete. Lately she has been coming out of her office when I am still there, which bothers me. I still don't really want to see her face right now.

Exposure - I posted on FB the day after, and left it up for a day. I called her father and told him, and I told him months ago that I suspected she was cheating, but as you can imagine, the father just said "I doubt it, she wasn't raised like that", and he was actually in some denial after I told him everything I witnessed. I guess he needs to see video of the act itself to be convinced - this is what I hoped to get, actually, but the dogs heard me come in. Some of her family and a few of her friends are on my FB list, so they know. I left it up long enough for enough people to read it. Got a couple nasty responses, of course, and one of her enabler friend/employees unfriended me. This employee cheated on her husband also, so I guess cheaters stick together and help each other rationalize their actions.

I don't know if I should be in Plan A or B - I am getting conflicting advice here. On the one hand, I caught her red-handed. I am not okay with pretending things are okay and "normal". I have written her a couple letters, the most recent one (a few weeks before I caught her cheating) was 4600 words. I didn't beg or grovel, but I did tell her that I was starting to understand why things went south, and that I wanted to repair our marriage. She did read it but she had no comment or anything.

So I have been kind of doing Plan B since Feb 28. My gut is pushing me toward talking to her about everything, but she is still ignoring me for the most part. I don't feel she would be receptive to talking. We communicate sparingly through text only when it relates to the kids.

The house - she changed all the locks and the garage door code. I realize she cannot legally do this, and I am sure her lawyer told her to do it. I do need to get some stuff from there. April 10 is the restraining order hearing so I have until then I guess. She filed this right after I caught her and it is clearly retaliatory in nature, but she'll probably get it because that's how the system favors women. I've never even thought about being any kind of danger to her or my kids much less actually done anything. Another lawyer move I suspect.

I honestly don't know what her emotional state is right now. Is she remorseful yet? Is she still seeing the dickbag OM? I just don't know. If I know her, I would say that it will take her 10 or 20 years to feel any kind of remorse for what she is doing now. She has been getting all kinds of super advice from her ignorant friends. Advice like "You should never settle" (whatever the hell that means), "You need to do what makes YOU happy", Your girls won't be happy unless YOU'RE happy". You know - all the typical bad advice. She is definitely fogged in bad and I really don't know if there is anything I can do to get her to see the damage she is doing.

I don't have ANY money to put toward a GPS tracker or anything like that, or I would. I am severely disadvantaged since I have zero income. I would love to find out everything I can about this idiot. I bet if I could afford a PI, I'd find out that he had other women on a leash as well, being the swell guy that he is.

Not sure what else to write at the moment. Thanks for everything and I'll try to get on here more often and respond to questions and stuff.

Last edited by BlindsidedNM; 03/31/13 04:11 AM.

Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
I should also add...

I have a good friend who is helping me through this ordeal. We have lunch a couple times a week. He went through the same thing I am going through. His wife cheated on him (with another woman), moved out, the whole thing. They lived apart and he went to Plan B and after quite a while she came crawling back. He keeps giving me advice as though his wife and my wife are the same person and we have the same situation. I don't know that his advice is always right, but I don't know what else to do sometimes. He tells me that God will restore our marriage, but I have to let go. I am taking that route for now, but I don't know that it will work with her. I'm not sure anything will. She seems hell bent on destroying everything for some strange D (I'm making up my own abbreviations wink

Whenever I tell him what is going on, he tells me that the same thing happened to him, and what to expect next. He has been right most of the time, but still, I can't imagine our situations are exactly alike.

Last edited by BlindsidedNM; 03/31/13 04:05 AM.

Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,074
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,074
You'd be surprised how much each and every affair is the same..... stay on board long enough. The veteran posters are not psychics, they see it over and over again.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Dr. Harley advises men to stay in Plan A for as long as possible, only moving to Plan B if they start to dislike or even hate their wives during the time they are in the fog. Plan B is so you can preserve her account in your love bank. Men can often compete with another man without hurting their emotional health; however, since each person is different, you have to evaluate this for yourself daily.

Meanwhile Plan A for as long as you can. Move back home, be a great husband, and avoid all love busters. Don't beg or plead with your wife. MOVE BACK HOME!

If you go into Plan B now, your foggy wife will feel justified in continuing her affair, since you "don't love" her anyway and "abandoned her."


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
I would love to move back home, but she changed ALL the locks and April 10th there is a hearing for a restraining order/no contact order she files against me. Kinda hard with all that in place.


Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
Well, the cheating wife got her restraining order / no contact order. Funny how someone can just hire a lawyer and get them to make you do whatever you want, like a marionette. Lie during a hearing, make someone out to be someone you know they aren't. Have your lawyer coach you to not say anything about having another man in the house, ya know, since there would be an admission of adultery in the court record.

I am in bizzarro world right now.

Last edited by BlindsidedNM; 04/10/13 11:33 AM.

Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
In case anyone decides to read any of this and give any more advice, I should mention that I landed a 6 month contract job yesterday. I'll be lawyering up in a few weeks once I save the cabbage.


Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by BlindsidedNM
Well, the cheating wife got her restraining order / no contact order. Funny how someone can just hire a lawyer and get them to make you do whatever you want, like a marionette. Lie during a hearing, make someone out to be someone you know they aren't. Have your lawyer coach you to not say anything about having another man in the house, ya know, since there would be an admission of adultery in the court record.

I am in bizzarro world right now.
I'm so sorry.

You weren't able to get back in your house? Is your name on the house?

She has the OM in YOUR house?



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
I don't think OM is living at my house, but I am sure she has him over often enough that I should be concerned about my daughters.

I spoke with a lawyer at Legal Aid this week and he said that she will probably get the house. We have a business as well that we each own 50% of, and that will probably be sold and split. She works at this business so she'll probably be out of a job. She is a hairstylist, so she'll just rent a booth somewhere else and her clientele will stay with her. However, I am quite confident that she will not be able to pay the mortgage on the house by herself without having to work a LOT. She will end up losing the house and renting a crappy apartment somewhere. This is one of the scenarios I was hoping to avoid with respect to my kids.

If I am offered a more permanent position, I will have the ability to rent a house or maybe buy another one. If lawyer fees don't kill me, I will try to get primary custody at that point. Between the adultery and amount of hard liquor she has gone through in the past year, who knows... I think with this income I will hire a PI to get all the dirt on the affair, and get a lawyer of my own to keep from getting taken to the cleaners. I might ask for a drug test as well to see if she's been getting into weed.

I'm in Plan B, especially now with the no contact order - don't really have a choice. For some stupid reason I still envision my family back together again and happy. She might have been right about my being delusional.


Edit to add: The house is in both our names. NM is a community property state.

Last edited by BlindsidedNM; 04/10/13 05:12 PM.

Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Please tell me you're at least documenting everything?

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

Since it's your home also can you get a trespass order against OM entering your home?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Have you done a background check on OM? Can you get the kids with you? You must protect your kids DD. OM are predators.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
I went back a couple of times and still didn't see an answer.

I saw who you exposed on your WW's side. Who did you expose to on OM's side?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 574
I exposed on Facebook and via phone to her parents. I did say who was on my FB friends list - some of her friends and family members as well. One was an employee who unfriended me after voicing her opinion, which means nothing because she is a cheater herself.

OM - I don't even know his name. All I have are pictures of his car in front of my house and license number. I don't know how to go about getting his info from that, legally anyway. It really seems like I am behind the eight ball form a legal perspective here. Right now I have no money for a PI or a lawyer. I start this new job May 1, so it will be a couple weeks after that that I'll have any money to pursue anything.

As is typical, she is not speaking to her family much either, especially her father. She was raised in a Christian home and her father sides with scripture on this matter - he is against adultery and divorce. He is not happy with what is going on, and neither is the rest of her family.

Last edited by BlindsidedNM; 04/10/13 06:14 PM.

Nothing changes. I am stuck in hell. Every day is the same and I can't escape.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
What about phone records? They must contact each other. Can you check online phone records?

You MUST find out who OM is and expose on his side.

What can you do to get this information?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 2 of 69 1 2 3 4 68 69

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5