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#2715830 - 03/27/13 03:36 PM Separated after false reconciliation..What now?
louise Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/27/13
Posts: 4
Hi, I am new here to the MB forum- Wish I had found this months ago!I need help and advice from others that have been subject to the onslaught of betrayal.
I shall try and keep my story concise and easy to read...

I discovered last June that my husband had been having an affair with a co-worker.I found this out by text messages on his phone.He told me that on a works night out he had slept with the OW and then following that had coffee with her at work for a few months.(he maintains that he has only slept with her once and it really was an emotional affair)I was completely devastated and shocked is an understatement. We have been together for 13yrs and married for 10yrs. We have two kids aged 7 and 8yrs. We have generally had a good marriage to be honest with no complaints and he has always met my needs and made me feel like the luckiest woman in the world. He also concurs that our marriage has been good.
When I found out about the affair my husband appeared to be sorry and we agreed that we would reconcile the marriage and that it was worth working on.
We had MC which he arranged for quite a few months and this really helped, but I found him to be defensive and inpatient. Despite being told by the counsellor that it can take a long time to rebuild a marriage my husband just wanted to sweep it under the carpet, he didnt want to talk about it. I felt that he never really understood or appreciated how I felt/what his betrayal had done to me and our family. My WH says that he felt so much guilt and he spent so much time self pitying; it was as if he was the victim and this prevented him further from prioritising my needs. The last year has been very up and down but I have tried my best to work hard at our marriage, admittedly at one stage I felt so depressed.I deemed him to not make much effort and at times he seemed so annoyed that our relationship did not just go back to 'normal'. I found the fact that he still worked with the OW very very STRESSFUL- I was full of anxiety that he would restart something with her. Sometimes this anxiety made me physically sick and of course when my WH got home I would interrogate him. He did reassure me and appeared committed to finding new job (he must have had at least 10 interviews). So my WH had CONTINUED contact with the OW because he couldn't initially find another job.

Then 8 months later in December, out of the blue he told me that although he wasn't talking to her he still sees this woman around the office and is worried that he still has some feelings for her...he told me he felt confused...he did not really clarify what he meant. He later retracted his statement and told me he was no longer confused, didn't like the OW.

Then just after New Year he told me that he had doubts about our marriage working- I was surprised because things had got better between us and we had, had a fabulous skiing holiday.(he hadn't seen her for three weeks) As soon as he went back to work after holiday and had contact with her he started saying the same thing that he still liked her and that he was wondering if the grass is greener! He told me that he felt what he had done had changed the dynamics of our relationship so much that it might be easier to leave. At this stage he told me that he had feelings for her but wasn't seeing her and wouldn't act upon these feelings.I accepted this as 'residual' feelings because he still worked with her.He also had got himself a new job finally which he would start soon, he told me that he was so happy because he wouldnt have to see her at work anymore and that we could move on without the OW in our lives.
One week later,on a saturday afternoon I found out that he had phoned her. I then confronted him and asked him to leave the house.He admitted that he had fallen back (his words)and had started talking to her again.

We have now been separated for nearly 8 weeks- the first 3 weeks I did the 180 and concentrated on me. It was such a relief to be honest to not have him in the house- I was no longer anxious, paranoid and my sleep returned to normal.I did feel a lot happier. My WH desperately tried to persuade me by text messages that he would commit 'whatever it takes'- I did not respond. When he collected the kids he would try and talk to me and seemed in utter despair when I refused to respond or engage with him. In the mean while he has started his NEW job and is away from the OW.

About 2 weeks ago we started to talk a bit due to the kids and making arrangements etc. During this time he has on a number of occasions said sorry and asked if he can come home; I've said that this is not about to happen as I do not know if there is real chance of reconciling. He has made it clear that he misses me and the kids and he hates living in a small bedsit room. However he has not talked to me about the affair, offered explanation or stated how he feels about 'me'. When prompted he did state that he was not seeing the OW anymore and that he soon realised when I threw him out of the house that it had all been just fantasy. When I asked if he had properly ended relationship with her,he said that it was not necessary because he had left his job, he had a new tel.number and it had been weeks since he last saw or spoke to her.
I have to say that my WH seems more genuine and sincere than he has been for some time. However I do not feel he is making enough effort to try and win me back. He always needs to be prompted to say anything. I feel he is not saying the things that I need to hear. Seemingly he is shy of putting in hard work and graft to resolve and reconcile our marriage, most of my friends feel he just doesnt know what to do. His Mother told me he is scared of putting a foot wrong with me.
I really feel in a state of limbo.

I do love him and think I would like to remain married however my feelings towards him have changed and sadly I view him as a different person- I see him as just deceitful and a despicable human being. Its not just the infidelity that I find difficult its the way he has treated me whilst reconciling and then telling me he wanted to commit but instead just continuing his relationship with her (eating cake!)during this time he was very detached,cold towards me and I felt so abandoned. Being repeatedly told by your WH that he likes another woman has affected my own confidence.I started to feel crushed as a person by his behaviour.

Few questions you could help with.....

1) Do you think there is any hope for our marriage? I expect him to initiate recovery and offer an explanation as to what happened with the OW (details about affair) clarifying his position in regards to her-

2)Do you think he is out of the 'fog'?

3)Is it too late for exposure? I wish I had told his workplace when this all began.

Sorry for the long post...

Pleeessse help??!!

WW-him 38yrs
bs- Me 34yrs
OW- 37yrs single,no children
Married 10yrs

EA & PA- June 2012
False R- Jan 2013
Separated- Feb 2013

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#2715832 - 03/27/13 03:46 PM Re: Separated after false reconciliation..What now? [Re: louise]
MelodyLane Offline
Member

Registered: 04/10/01
Posts: 78850
Loc: Texas
Originally Posted By: louise


1) Do you think there is any hope for our marriage? I expect him to initiate recovery and offer an explanation as to what happened with the OW (details about affair) clarifying his position in regards to her-


Yes, there is hope. And no, he does not know how to recover your marriage. Neither does Divorce Busters. We can help you with all this. Bring him here and we will walk him through the steps.

The GOAL will be a completely affair proofed marriage where you are both in love.

Quote:
2)Do you think he is out of the 'fog'?


I don't know. We would have to hear from him.

Quote:
3)Is it too late for exposure? I wish I had told his workplace when this all began.


Yes, everyone should know. Your children, parents, close friends, etc.

Will he come here?
_________________________
Happily married to my cute husband!

Exposure 101 <--READ THIS IF YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!

If you're going through hell, keep going.... Winston Churchill

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

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#2715834 - 03/27/13 03:48 PM Re: Separated after false reconciliation..What now? [Re: louise]
MelodyLane Offline
Member

Registered: 04/10/01
Posts: 78850
Loc: Texas
Louise, please go read the first thread in this forum and then come back. The book you need the most is Surviving an Affair by Dr Bill Harley. Here are the steps for recovery in summary:

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
_________________________
Happily married to my cute husband!

Exposure 101 <--READ THIS IF YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!

If you're going through hell, keep going.... Winston Churchill

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

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#2715836 - 03/27/13 03:54 PM Re: Separated after false reconciliation..What now? [Re: MelodyLane]
NeverGuessed Offline
Member

Registered: 03/06/10
Posts: 6352
Loc: New York
Melody hit it right on the head with her recommendation of a full ("nuclear") exposure.

It was not crystal clear in her note that you must extend the exposure to POSOW's side of Cheat Street as well. Is she married? Otherwise in a relationship? Can you discover her friends and family members? (Facebook is a good start.) You want to put this list together slyly, without WH knowing your plans, and unleash the exposure bomb on both sides (and the workplace) at the same time.
_________________________
If the HEARTS of our enemies, Lord, cannot be turned,
then let their ANKLES be,
so we may know them by their limping!
My Story
Addenda

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#2715840 - 03/27/13 04:00 PM Re: Separated after false reconciliation..What now? [Re: MelodyLane]
louise Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/27/13
Posts: 4
Thankyou melodylane for such a quick response!
As I mentioned I wish I had found MB ages ago. I will read first thread and surviving affair book that you suggested. Thankyou.

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#2715844 - 03/27/13 04:17 PM Re: Separated after false reconciliation..What now? [Re: NeverGuessed]
louise Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/27/13
Posts: 4
Thankyou neverguessed. I do intend to expose now. I wasn't sure initially as can you believe it.. I felt it was disloyal to my husband to make him feel further shame. But hey what loyalty has he shown me?!!
The children know because he told them. I asked him to tell them the truth when we separated.I felt this was the right thing to do as my daughter had asked me if it was her fault that daddy moved out. Such a shame.
The majority of his family and my family know because we are all very close- they have all been very supportive towards me. They have openly shown there disapproval towards him and encouraged him 'to do the right thing'.
Despite my husband moving jobs he will likely still have contact with old colleagues and due to the same industry he could potentially bump into the OW. So I do intend to email his old work colleagues to notify them also. (very tempting in email to abuse her character so will have to refrain!) Have seen template letter and think I will use it.
Sadly the old lonely OW is not married or in relationship but I have already facebooked her parents.
I am going to take pleasure from this...Probably like most BS I have resisted the urge to go see the OW and beat her up!

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#2715852 - 03/27/13 05:39 PM Re: Separated after false reconciliation..What now? [Re: louise]
NB28 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/30/09
Posts: 1106
Loc: London UK
Hey Louise,

Sorry you are going though this but glad you are here because the advice from the vets is the only hope you have of salvaging the marriage,

My H also had an A with a coworker and although claimed to hate her after exposure (the exposure was nuclear and was done when I discovered the A) for financial reasons he carried on working with the OW for a year after DD. That year of them still working together damaged our marriage even more than the first A. I would wait for him to get in from work interrogate him, wake up in the night and throw up. He was sorry but wanted it swept under the carpet and this behaviour chipped away at any love I had for him day after day. What I am trying to say by sharing this with you is that I understand how you are feeling and what stage you are at.

My advice to you would be

1) kill the affair with this woman ensuring there is no way it could rear its ugly head again in the future, in order to do this you need to do a NUCLEAR exposure. Follow the templates on Melodylanes signature to the letter and expose to friends, family, and workplace of both your WH and the OW.

2) You need to be the one to lead the recovery, ask for certain things to be accomplished by your WH before you consider any form of reconciliation for example
a) he has to write a no contact letter to the OW, there is a precise template of this on the forum, he has to write the letter and you mail it together.
b) he has to tell you everything you want to know about the A, Openess and honesty is very important at this stage because you don't want to be half way though recovery and then find out new information that will set you back to square 1. Recovery is hard enough without more difficult disoveries. If you have agut feeling that he has not told you everything you need to know then ask for a polygraph test.
c) he has to agree to an std test, and you will have to get yourself checked as well.
d) he has to agree to eliminate any conditions that led to the A, including no nights apart, no opposite sex friendships and giving you full access and passwords to his email accounts, Facebook page, phone etc.
e) he has to agree to adhere to boundaries in order to avoid this happening again
f) he has to agree to MB counselling. Weather he posts on here or you book an appointment with one of the MB coaches or do the online course.
.
Make it clear to him what he has to do in order to come home and consequences of braking the set boundaries.

3)Your conditions for recovery are not negotiable, if your WH does not agree to all your conditions then the best thing for you is to go into plan B.

Links and information can be found on the site regarding plan B.

I know you must be drained and this has gone on for a long time but if you want to recover you marriage you need to lead this recovery , you can't expect much from him at this stage, he has gotten away with cake eating for far too long and it's up to you to put a stop to it.

I stayed in lymbo hell for 3 years, the damage was immense but we are now happily recovered despite that and we only started to recover when we followed the plan to the letter.

Sorry this is so long, good luck with the exposure.
_________________________
BW 32 (Me)
WS 34
Married: 2000
DD November 22 2008
A Duraion September 08 - November 08
NC December 2009 (no acive A since DD but still worked together)
kids: DS 13, DS 10, DS 8 and DS 6
MC with Steve 2009 but with no success as WH was still Wayward.
Recovering since December 2011

The way I see it if you want a rainbow you gotta put up with the rain


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#2715857 - 03/27/13 06:17 PM Re: Separated after false reconciliation..What now? [Re: louise]
MelodyLane Offline
Member

Registered: 04/10/01
Posts: 78850
Loc: Texas
Originally Posted By: louise

Despite my husband moving jobs he will likely still have contact with old colleagues and due to the same industry he could potentially bump into the OW.


Louise, I would consider EVERY gap where he could potentially run into the OW and close it now. That cannot EVER happen. For example, if she would be at a trade seminar, he needs to skip it. He has to do whatever it takes to completely eliminate her from your lives. Even if it means a change of career or a move to another state.

How close does this skankhoe live to you?
_________________________
Happily married to my cute husband!

Exposure 101 <--READ THIS IF YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!

If you're going through hell, keep going.... Winston Churchill

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

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#2715955 - 03/28/13 02:54 AM Re: Separated after false reconciliation..What now? [Re: MelodyLane]
louise Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/27/13
Posts: 4
NB28- I see that like myself you too live in the uk! Thankyou so much for your advice, it was extremely helpful and supportive. I could feel that you've been in same situation and hear the same pain.
It really is true that unless your WH severs all contact with the OW, you cannot even begin to rebuild a marriage really. At the beginning I naively thought that although he continued to work with her that he would just give her a wide berth and just have some self control until he found another job. I realise now that it doesn't quite work like that and temptation gets the better of the wayward like a drug.

If my WH wants to come home, I agree it is going to take time and be phased. My strength has increased since he has not been in the house and I feel like my old self again who is usually full of life! (can't believe on reflection I became so low and felt so degraded).
This time my strength will carry me and I WILL NOT negotiate on the things you've mentioned. He will need to be honest and transparent in all his actions and send letter to OW. I have sort of a list in my head of my boundaries I expect him to meet.
I've come to realise that I am worth much more than this...and he will have to jump a few hoops!

Melodylane- The skankhoe lives only about 15 miles away. The UK is small so we cant really move state! However I will 'close' down all the avenues of exposure as I think this will be a very effective measure.

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#2715958 - 03/28/13 06:36 AM Re: Separated after false reconciliation..What now? [Re: louise]
catwhit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 827
Loc: The left coast
Louise

So sorry for your pain. The MB plan WILL work, IF you follow it to the letter,
NO EXCEPTIONS
NO SHORTCUTS
NO WAFFLING
NO "OUR SITUATION IS DIFFERENT"

My situation is very similar to NB28, and to yours. My WH had a plan to move jobs, and countries, after D-Day, but it was going to take a few months to implement, meanwhile he promised to maintain "business-only" contact with OW at work. That few months turned in to six, and the business-only contact became "funny-business" in two days. Dealing with the false recovery after D-Day 2 has been SO MUCH more difficult. And, it entrenched the A to the point where OW still tries to contact my WH every two months.

So you are right to insist on NC. It is non-negotiable.

Suggest you post your list of Extraordinary Precautions here for comments.

You can do this.
_________________________
Me: BW, 57 fWH: 63 (Taffy1) Serial cheater
Presently on the Recovery Road, in the Online program.

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#2715964 - 03/28/13 07:27 AM Re: Separated after false reconciliation..What now? [Re: catwhit]
TranquilDark Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/12
Posts: 1558
You have a wealth of knowledge and experience from this site at your fingertips. I suggest you follow all the advice given to you. Your in good hands, remember to be strong and assertive and not emotional and angry when dealing with your WH. Continue to snoop as well. Good luck, God bless.
_________________________
Me-BH 33
WW-30 (living out of state with POSOM)
Married 5 years
DS-5
SS-10
Plan A since 12 September 2012

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#2716052 - 03/28/13 02:05 PM Re: Separated after false reconciliation..What now? [Re: louise]
SugarCane Offline
Member

Registered: 09/25/08
Posts: 6026
Originally Posted By: louise
Hi, I am new here to the MB forum- Wish I had found this months ago!I need help and advice from others that have been subject to the onslaught of betrayal.
I shall try and keep my story concise and easy to read...

I discovered last June that my husband had been having an affair with a co-worker.I found this out by text messages on his phone.He told me that on a works night out he had slept with the OW and then following that had coffee with her at work for a few months.(he maintains that he has only slept with her once and it really was an emotional affair)I was completely devastated and shocked is an understatement. We have been together for 13yrs and married for 10yrs. We have two kids aged 7 and 8yrs. We have generally had a good marriage to be honest with no complaints and he has always met my needs and made me feel like the luckiest woman in the world. He also concurs that our marriage has been good.
When I found out about the affair my husband appeared to be sorry and we agreed that we would reconcile the marriage and that it was worth working on.
We had MC which he arranged for quite a few months and this really helped, but I found him to be defensive and inpatient. Despite being told by the counsellor that it can take a long time to rebuild a marriage my husband just wanted to sweep it under the carpet, he didnt want to talk about it. I felt that he never really understood or appreciated how I felt/what his betrayal had done to me and our family. My WH says that he felt so much guilt and he spent so much time self pitying; it was as if he was the victim and this prevented him further from prioritising my needs. The last year has been very up and down but I have tried my best to work hard at our marriage, admittedly at one stage I felt so depressed.I deemed him to not make much effort and at times he seemed so annoyed that our relationship did not just go back to 'normal'. I found the fact that he still worked with the OW very very STRESSFUL- I was full of anxiety that he would restart something with her. Sometimes this anxiety made me physically sick and of course when my WH got home I would interrogate him. He did reassure me and appeared committed to finding new job (he must have had at least 10 interviews). So my WH had CONTINUED contact with the OW because he couldn't initially find another job.

Then 8 months later in December, out of the blue he told me that although he wasn't talking to her he still sees this woman around the office and is worried that he still has some feelings for her...he told me he felt confused...he did not really clarify what he meant. He later retracted his statement and told me he was no longer confused, didn't like the OW.

Then just after New Year he told me that he had doubts about our marriage working- I was surprised because things had got better between us and we had, had a fabulous skiing holiday.(he hadn't seen her for three weeks) As soon as he went back to work after holiday and had contact with her he started saying the same thing that he still liked her and that he was wondering if the grass is greener! He told me that he felt what he had done had changed the dynamics of our relationship so much that it might be easier to leave. At this stage he told me that he had feelings for her but wasn't seeing her and wouldn't act upon these feelings.I accepted this as 'residual' feelings because he still worked with her.He also had got himself a new job finally which he would start soon, he told me that he was so happy because he wouldnt have to see her at work anymore and that we could move on without the OW in our lives.
One week later,on a saturday afternoon I found out that he had phoned her. I then confronted him and asked him to leave the house.He admitted that he had fallen back (his words)and had started talking to her again.

We have now been separated for nearly 8 weeks- the first 3 weeks I did the 180 and concentrated on me. It was such a relief to be honest to not have him in the house- I was no longer anxious, paranoid and my sleep returned to normal.I did feel a lot happier. My WH desperately tried to persuade me by text messages that he would commit 'whatever it takes'- I did not respond. When he collected the kids he would try and talk to me and seemed in utter despair when I refused to respond or engage with him. In the mean while he has started his NEW job and is away from the OW.

About 2 weeks ago we started to talk a bit due to the kids and making arrangements etc. During this time he has on a number of occasions said sorry and asked if he can come home; I've said that this is not about to happen as I do not know if there is real chance of reconciling. He has made it clear that he misses me and the kids and he hates living in a small bedsit room. However he has not talked to me about the affair, offered explanation or stated how he feels about 'me'. When prompted he did state that he was not seeing the OW anymore and that he soon realised when I threw him out of the house that it had all been just fantasy. When I asked if he had properly ended relationship with her,he said that it was not necessary because he had left his job, he had a new tel.number and it had been weeks since he last saw or spoke to her.
I have to say that my WH seems more genuine and sincere than he has been for some time. However I do not feel he is making enough effort to try and win me back. He always needs to be prompted to say anything. I feel he is not saying the things that I need to hear. Seemingly he is shy of putting in hard work and graft to resolve and reconcile our marriage, most of my friends feel he just doesnt know what to do. His Mother told me he is scared of putting a foot wrong with me.
I really feel in a state of limbo.

I do love him and think I would like to remain married however my feelings towards him have changed and sadly I view him as a different person- I see him as just deceitful and a despicable human being. Its not just the infidelity that I find difficult its the way he has treated me whilst reconciling and then telling me he wanted to commit but instead just continuing his relationship with her (eating cake!)during this time he was very detached,cold towards me and I felt so abandoned. Being repeatedly told by your WH that he likes another woman has affected my own confidence.I started to feel crushed as a person by his behaviour.

Few questions you could help with.....

1) Do you think there is any hope for our marriage? I expect him to initiate recovery and offer an explanation as to what happened with the OW (details about affair) clarifying his position in regards to her-

2)Do you think he is out of the 'fog'?

3)Is it too late for exposure? I wish I had told his workplace when this all began.

Sorry for the long post...

Pleeessse help??!!

WW-him 38yrs
bs- Me 34yrs
OW- 37yrs single,no children
Married 10yrs

EA & PA- June 2012
False R- Jan 2013
Separated- Feb 2013


Hi Louise - another UK poster here. I'm in London. Welcome to MB.

I am not optimistic about recovery given the way your H is behaving right now. I don't think he has cut all communication with OW. I think that until he demonstrates what Dr H says he looks for in a WH you should believe that he is still in contact.

Dr H looks for a repentant H to be on his knees begging to come home, showing utter sorrow at what he put his wife and kids through. He doesn't expect these things when it is a wife who has been unfaithful, but he thinks that a man who doesn't do these things should be shown the door. Men are great cake-eaters; they are easily capable of loving more than one woman at a time, so in their heads they can put the marriage and the affair into separate compartments in their minds and live life to the full when they are in each compartment. So, a man can go to OW and tell her - and really make her believe - that he loves her deeply and can't get through the day without her and he can go home to you and show that he wants you and the marriage and make you believe that he does not want OW.

In fact, this kind of cake-eating man does not want OW more than he wants you; he wants both of you. His ideal life would be to have a happy family life with family days out to the zoo, the in-laws to visit and warm sex in bed with you at night, and nasty sex in a hotel room all afternoon twice a week, and dirty phone calls filled with lust and admiration in between the nasty sex, with OW. That is his ideal of a perfect life, and he will lie beyond all comprehension to you to try and maintain that.

In my situation, H's affair was with a woman who lived in Belgium, where my H went to work overnight for four or five nights per month. She was a client of the company and they hooked up when they were the last ones left in the bar one night. (They had been flirting with each other for months.) After many false recoveries I decided I would leave him, and that is when he went to work and told his bosses that he would never travel again as his marriage was in trouble. However, OW kept up the phone contact via work as she (a married woman with two teenagers) had no intention of losing him. He rather weakly tried to tell her not to call, but he was always glad to hear from her and, since the affair was discovered by me when it was still in a highly intense stage, he could not and would not cut himself off from something so rewarding.

About 6 months after he stopped travelling I found these forums and exposed to her H who raised holy hell with his wife, but eventually decided that his marriage had to be based on trust and that he would not monitor her. She therefore, was free to contact my H at work and did, every few months, monitoring my marriage and gauging his mood, waiting to see when physical contact could resume.

2 years ago, after they hadn't met in person for a full five years, he was due to retire and finally used the home PC to send her his email address. I gathered from tapping into this email that her H was about to retire and move back to their country of origin, leaving her to follow in five years. She would therefore be alone in Brussels and free to travel to London - and he would also have free time during the day when I was at work, so they could meet. The email exchange was to keep their only line of contact open, since they could never phone or email from work again, and he had (and still has) no mobile phone.

It was only because, after I re-exposed to her (p-whipped) H and my H spent a weekend looking for a place to live, furious at what I had done to her, he begged to stay and also was about to retire that I was willing to contemplate recovery. I signed us up to the MB programme and made him account for his behaviour to Dr H, who thought that we had a good chance of recovery.

But it was the retirement that did it for me. I could not have contemplated yet another recovery if my H had simply changed jobs; it is too easy to use the workplace landline, or a pay-as-you-go phone that is kept at the office, or phone boxes with pre-paid cards to do all the communication completely out of sight and to maintain composure through horrendous lying at home. This was the case for my H, anyway, in his cake-eating affair where he never actually wanted to leave me and make a life with his whore.

I urge you to consider my 5-year scenario (where they kept in touch and kept the love banks topped up, until retirement of both husbands gave them the chance to meet again) for your own case. If you cannot monitor your H at his new job (and indeed, how can you monitor a pre-paid phone that he keeps in the desk? Will you be able to make unscheduled visits to his office and search his desk? How can you monitor his landline? Can you tell his new employers about the affair and ask them to monitor all his calls?)...

...if you cannot monitor him when he is out of the house then given the behaviour of the desperate OW and his permanent weakness towards her, you should assume he will resume the affair.

So what can you do about that?
_________________________
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.

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#2716114 - 03/28/13 06:12 PM Re: Separated after false reconciliation..What now? [Re: SugarCane]
NB28 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/30/09
Posts: 1106
Loc: London UK
Hey Louise, didn't realise you were a fellow UK poster.

Yes him working with the OW for a year after the A was pure torture, if you have the misfortune to come across my thread from that time you will clearly see I was driven to the edge of insanity by this, and I was one of the rare ones where they didn't resume any communication even at the work place for that whole year because thanks to the exposure they hated each others, she claimed he was in the wrong and she was innocent as he was the married one, he claimed she knew he was married and knew what she was doing as she had slept with 3 previous married managers before and had a kid with one of them (which one is still being determined as waiting form DNA tests), the back and forth of venom between them escalated to management who kept them apart at work. Even with that in mind I was in total panic every time he went to work. Despite him hating her and the communications between them non existent he didn't engage in recovery until he was away from her and that job. Just seeing her at work kept him foggy and wayward.

What is your next step? How are you going to tell your WH about your conditions of recovery and what's your plan if he declines to participate in the conditions?
_________________________
BW 32 (Me)
WS 34
Married: 2000
DD November 22 2008
A Duraion September 08 - November 08
NC December 2009 (no acive A since DD but still worked together)
kids: DS 13, DS 10, DS 8 and DS 6
MC with Steve 2009 but with no success as WH was still Wayward.
Recovering since December 2011

The way I see it if you want a rainbow you gotta put up with the rain


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