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wipedout #2727382 05/14/13 09:37 PM
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twoxfour rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2

I am so angry!!!!! So I'm going to vent on here.

I think my love bank is in the negatives now and I'm to the point where I hate H. Right now I just need to vent.

SD21 moved back in town because her H was deployed. The history of SD21 has not been pleasant. She has a sick cycle of AOs, SDs and DJs. I have felt in the past that she is more important than I am to H. I have had a feeling like he is having an affair with her (altho nonsexual). He is offended by my feeling. He told me in counseling to never bring it up again which I haven't to him. That doesn't change how I feel.

Today he sent me a text. After our two hour coaching session with Steve. He asked if I was at work. I said yes. He asked I'd I was at the office downtown. I said yes and asked him why. He said he thought if I was working from McDonalds (like I sometimes do) we could have lunch. I told him that was a very nice that he thought of doing that and I appreciated it and that I was in training this week. His only response was K. Later I sent him an email again expressing my gratitude (as I am trying to meet needs he shared on Sunday) and he never responded.

When I got home he was not there (he left to have dinner with his parents who live an hour away). I could tell he had her over. Now I wonder if he was only asking to know where I was so I wouldn't come home when she was there.

My issues are not about her as he thinks they are. My issues are with him. He pushed me into letting her stay with us a while back and I have been resentful ever since. He pushed me to try to have a relationship with her and she dismisses me and will not let me see the grandchild whom with I bonded. He had me apologize to her for hurting her feelings because she demaneded it. When I did, she dismissed my apology ended up shutting her dad and I out, posted horrible things about H on facebook, called him every name in the book. This is the sick cycle I'm speaking of. Now hie is in her good favor. He acts like I don't exist when he is with her because she hates me. He accommodates her.

He feels I look at it like it is a competition. I only know that I'm not getting my needs and she is in his good graces.

I am so angry I could spit fire. I don't normally get this angry. I am thankful he is not here now. I know he loves his daughter and wants to spend time with her. With the history of his SDs around her, I can't help but want him to stay away from her for a time. Show me that I am important and that I am wanted. Not as a competition, but because he does have care and concern for me, because he doesn't want me to hurt.


rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2 rant2

Feel free to show me you care in his place so I don't go postal!!!


W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
wipedout #2727400 05/14/13 11:02 PM
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Have you seen this?
Resentment Type A and Type B


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Steve is not suggesting separation.
Separation is up to you. I am pretty sure the Harleys will support you in it, if it comes to that. BTW, you two can still counsel with Steve even if you are living apart.

Are you at least preparing for a separation?

Does he have a plan to eliminate his AOs? All this homework on negotiation will mean nothing if he is not willing or able to eliminate his AOs.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2727412 05/14/13 11:30 PM
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He is going to need to end contact with his daughter until you are enthusiastic.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2727454 05/15/13 06:37 AM
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The one thing you must do if you are going to do your half is to let your husband know that this bothers you in a calm, respectful manner. What he does with this information and how he reacts to this information is up to him. If he replies with an AO, institute that move out plan Prisca advised you to work on. If he responds with DJ, remove yourself from the conversation. If he has an AO because of that, move out.

Dr. Harley likens the UA time to mutually meet intimate ENs as painting a picture-that the UA time allows the couple time to paint their picture. After some time I realized that when Lovebusters (anger, disrespect, independent behavior, lack of POJA, etc.) are also part of the relationship, the canvas isn't there and it's like trying to paint the picture on thin air. You do your part to provide the canvas, but he also has to do his part to provide the canvas.



xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
LifetimeLearner #2727473 05/15/13 08:04 AM
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Update on the situation. When he came home last night I was laying in bed. I put a blanket over my head so that he could not see that I was awake. When he went into the bathroom to get ready for bed my anger turned to hurt and I started crying. I sat up and started to gather up things to cry downstairs and he came out. I walked right past him and went downstairs.

He came down and asked me why was I crying. I told him I was hurt. He asked me why. I told him I felt like he didn�t love me and that I didn�t think he really wanted this relationship to work. I asked him why he wanted to know my location where I was working. He said because he thought we could have lunch at McDs if I was there. He asked me if there was anything he could do for me. I told him I needed affection. He asked if I wanted him to sit and hold me. I told him only if he wanted to. He sat and held me. I asked him why he couldn�t come downtown to have lunch with me and he said with the two hour coaching call in the morning and he had to take time to take SD11 to an orthodontist appointment he really didn�t have time to take an additional two hours to come downtown. Although my thoughts went to �he had time for his daughter� his efforts were softening my mood. We started chatting about odds and ins. He asked me if DD11 told me she was fighting with DD13. I said no and he told me when he came home the loft door was closed. He investigated why but didn�t address the issue.

The loft door is rarely moved and is usually shut to prevent SD21s kids from falling down the stairs when they are over. I will have to investigate more when I can talk to DD11 about her argument with DD13 but I also feel better thinking that maybe he didn�t have her in our home.

H told me that if he didn�t want this to work he wouldn�t be doing these coaching sessions because they are �not fun�. I am sure getting enjoyment out of them!!!!!! Finally someone who can logic with H about his actions! I want to be able to provide the love I am capable of and Steve is helping me to get there too! I�m okay working on myself cause I�m the only one I can change.

Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you seen this? Resentment Type A and Type B
Thank you so much for the link! Super awesome post!! I agree with it fully! The POJA has been brought up only a little from Steve. He speaks a lot about the care and concern for the teammate. I don�t believe H has read much on the site. Steve brings up the theory of POJA and I think he will continue to emphasize its importance. I would imagine Steve would address this more as time goes by.

Originally Posted by Prisca
Separation is up to you. I am pretty sure the Harleys will support you in it, if it comes to that. BTW, you two can still counsel with Steve even if you are living apart.
I have sent Dr. Harley an email about the situation to see if I can gain his prospective. I would welcome a jointly agreed separation where we are continuing to work on things. H doesn�t seem to agree.

Originally Posted by Prisca
Are you at least preparing for a separation?
Yes, I have been preparing for over a year now. I can sustain by myself without issues. I have a good paying job and the house we live in was mine. We still have his house but it currently has renters.

Originally Posted by Prisca
Does he have a plan to eliminate his AOs? All this homework on negotiation will mean nothing if he is not willing or able to eliminate his AOs.
I think so. He has asked several questions of Steve on how to deal with it. I saw yesterday that he had written more questions down for Steve about his anger.

Originally Posted by Prisca
He is going to need to end contact with his daughter until you are enthusiastic.
He has no idea how many deposits that alone would create. He is stuck on the fact he feels I don�t want him to have a relationship with her. That is simply not true.

Originally Posted by LifetimeLearner
The one thing you must do if you are going to do your half is to let your husband know that this bothers you in a calm, respectful manner. What he does with this information and how he reacts to this information is up to him. If he replies with an AO, institute that move out plan Prisca advised you to work on. If he responds with DJ, remove yourself from the conversation. If he has an AO because of that, move out.
Great direction. I would like to get to this point. Right now I have so many walls up I want to test him on the homework Steve suggested first. I think we are going to try to do that Thursday night so we can have a call with Steve Friday. We have used our 5 session package up already and H has agreed to buy another 5 session package. �Baby Steps�

Originally Posted by LifetimeLearner
Dr. Harley likens the UA time to mutually meet intimate ENs as painting a picture-that the UA time allows the couple time to paint their picture. After some time I realized that when Lovebusters (anger, disrespect, independent behavior, lack of POJA, etc.) are also part of the relationship, the canvas isn't there and it's like trying to paint the picture on thin air. You do your part to provide the canvas, but he also has to do his part to provide the canvas.
I have read about UA time and am of course both drawn and deterred from the idea. Steve has not brought up this action. I�m wondering if that is because we are still in the education piece of our �project plan�

To all that have posted in this thread, you have no idea how grateful I am of every word you have put on here. Each and every one of you, have great care and concern for people you do not really know and that is truly amazing. I feel really blessed by God that He has brought us together to aid in His plan. God bless you all and the Harley�s as they continue to have an impact on His plan even when the marriages end up being negative outcomes!!! grin


W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
BrainHurts #2727569 05/15/13 04:02 PM
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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you seen this?
Resentment Type A and Type B
This is such a great article. I sent it to H with the following:

I found this article to be very interesting to me and thought you might have interest in it as well.

What I have seen is that I am guilty of independent behavior. An example is picking paint for the bedroom and bathroom. Both places are in our house. It was very inconsiderate of me to not allow you to be a part of the decision. Not only did I pick up the paint without consulting you, once you saw the paint and had a concern (for the bathroom) your concern was not addressed via POJA, leaving you feeling type A resentment.

I violated the POJA which only gave you no choice but to feel the effect of my thoughtless decision.

Had I not violated the POJA, I would have had type B resentment which seems like I'm setting myself to be hurt but the fact is that my resentment would have not been at the larger level of the type A resentment which you had to endure.

Does that make sense?

I hope it does. Regardless of it making sense, I would like to say I am sorry for not being in alignment with you on picking the paint colors. Your feelings are important to me. It was unacceptable for me to think of my own desires when it was at a cost to you. I know that I hurt you and it was not right. I hope you can please forgive me.


W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
wipedout #2727581 05/15/13 06:04 PM
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Originally Posted by wipedout
He asked me if there was anything he could do for me. I told him I needed affection. He asked if I wanted him to sit and hold me. I told him only if he wanted to. He sat and held me.
Good step on his part.

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H told me that if he didn�t want this to work he wouldn�t be doing these coaching sessions because they are �not fun�.
Good. Then he won't have another AO wink

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The POJA has been brought up only a little from Steve. He speaks a lot about the care and concern for the teammate. I don�t believe H has read much on the site. Steve brings up the theory of POJA and I think he will continue to emphasize its importance. I would imagine Steve would address this more as time goes by.
Likely. Be prepared for your husband not to like it at first. It's the POJA that is going to tell your husband he can't see his daughter until you are enthusiastic.

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I have sent Dr. Harley an email about the situation to see if I can gain his prospective.
GREAT! Let us know what he says.

Quote
I would welcome a jointly agreed separation where we are continuing to work on things. H doesn�t seem to agree.
No, if you separate, he doesn't get a say. It will need to be a wake up call for him.

Quote
Yes, I have been preparing for over a year now. I can sustain by myself without issues. I have a good paying job and the house we live in was mine.
This is good. So you can go into a separation at moments notice?
I noticed with his last AO, you asked him to leave and he threatened to leave for good, so you caved.

Make that the last AO you tolerate. What can you do differently, if it happens again?

Quote
He has asked several questions of Steve on how to deal with it. I saw yesterday that he had written more questions down for Steve about his anger.
This is very good smile Maybe he will start taking action to eliminate them for good.

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I have read about UA time and am of course both drawn and deterred from the idea. Steve has not brought up this action. I�m wondering if that is because we are still in the education piece of our �project plan�
It is a bit unusual to not have had UA introduced yet, since this program is based on UA. But I have heard Dr. Harley say that he doesn't always advise UA when there is a big problem with AOs in the marriage.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2727584 05/15/13 06:09 PM
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Your letter was good, btw. smile


Markos' Wife
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8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

Prisca #2727675 05/16/13 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by wipedout
H told me that if he didn�t want this to work he wouldn�t be doing these coaching sessions because they are �not fun�.
Good. Then he won't have another AO wink
I assume that is sarcastic cause we both know he will.

Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by wipedout
The POJA has been brought up only a little from Steve. He speaks a lot about the care and concern for the teammate. I don�t believe H has read much on the site. Steve brings up the theory of POJA and I think he will continue to emphasize its importance. I would imagine Steve would address this more as time goes by.
Likely. Be prepared for your husband not to like it at first. It's the POJA that is going to tell your husband he can't see his daughter until you are enthusiastic.
I was prepared for that when I read about it two years ago. His ability to actually be on board with POJA will be a sign of whether this relationship will work. I can�t handle the pain for much longer.

Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by wipedout
I have sent Dr. Harley an email about the situation to see if I can gain his prospective.
GREAT! Let us know what he says.
Originally Posted by Dr.Harley
Angry Outbursts are the final and most inappropriate form of abuse and control. As long as either spouse can�t control their anger, their marriage has little hope of improving or being fulfilling. It�s not only an ineffective way to overcome problems, but it is also very dangerous. There are many cases every year of people who killed or maimed their spouse in a fit of rage, where they never thought they would do such a thing. I usually recommend that overcoming angry outbursts, and all other forms of abuse and control (demands and disrespectful judgments) be eliminated before trying to resolve conflicts, or even trying to meet emotional needs. Your sincere effort to please a controlling and abusive husband puts you in a dangerous position both emotionally and physically. So until your husband learns to control his temper, I wouldn�t even consider trying to meet his emotional needs.

I assume that you are already separated, since you talk about changing the locks. I definitely feel that your husband�s ability to be with you at will puts you in danger, so I would agree with that recommendation if he comes to the house unannounced. From what you have written in this letter, I�d suggest that you continue to be separated until all vestiges of control and abuse have been completely eliminated, and then return to live with each other. Since I have not heard your husband�s perspective, I can�t be sure that the facts you mention are true. But if they are, you�re in danger even if you are separated.
I have responded with the following: We are not separated. People on the forum are really pushing that I need to change the locks and tell him he needs to get his AOs, SDs and DJs under control. Steve is working with him to logically understand why they need addressed. (Steve is super awesome at getting him to see logic and still validate his feelings) H is open to this, seems to understand on paper but the feeling is not fully there. Steve has not suggested a separation is in order. He continues to have us travel down the path to resolve conflict. He is having us �install small fuses� and assure that if we cannot get past step 2 of understanding each side we should stop and bring it to Steve. I think we can do that which it is so very stressful on me because of my anxiety (which I know I need to work on) I agree the elimination of AOs, SDs and DJs are a major factor in our success. If H needs to address the fiery three before moving to the relationship, I need someone to work with him to accept or not accept this phase instead of having us work though sharing our ENs and LBs.

I feel that while he is willing to work on his AOs he is still struggling with my actions or lack thereof and making sure his needs are addressed. While he is willing to work through the program, he is not really fully on board with the program. He is very concerned about his own needs. Rightfully so, as I know my needs are important too. I know however, that I do not have full control over the conditions that create my feelings. I only have control to be able to inform what the conditions look like to me.

Unless he can use the POJA to cease so much activity with his daughter, we will not get anywhere. If he did have a temporary leave from her to aid in our recovery he would deposit a numerous amount of deposits as I know how he feels about it all. I have read about type A and B resentments. Those would definitely come into play as he has huge feelings around his relationship with his daughter as well as do I.

I believe I would feel better living in a separated environment temporarily while working through these items but only if he was in agreement. If he is not, then it will be the end of our relationship as he is not fully onboard with the program. I cannot seem to logically get him to understand how it would be beneficial. Frankly, it seems that there is nothing I can do to please him at this current time and he is sure to bring it up to Steve that he is doing it all and I am doing nothing.

H won�t even sleep on the couch so I can have the bed to myself. He has threatened that if he leaves he is not coming back. I know he has heard that he is not in control of my actions, he is very emotional and will have a hard time overcoming his controlling tendencies.


I�m waiting for a response.

Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
I would welcome a jointly agreed separation where we are continuing to work on things. H doesn�t seem to agree.
No, if you separate, he doesn't get a say. It will need to be a wake up call for him.
Gulp! Obviously, this is a big struggle for me.

Originally Posted by Prisca
Quote
Yes, I have been preparing for over a year now. I can sustain by myself without issues. I have a good paying job and the house we live in was mine.
This is good. So you can go into a separation at moments notice?
Oh yes! I have been a self sustaining person for several years although my life style has increased due to the additional income but I can survive without him.

Originally Posted by Prisca
I noticed with his last AO, you asked him to leave and he threatened to leave for good, so you caved.
Make that the last AO you tolerate. What can you do differently, if it happens again?
I need support when it happens. I can tell him to leave but my follow through is lacking to say the least. I called Steve when it happened last but of course he didn�t respond to me when I needed the support. I can post on here to see if I get feedback as support. I already know what my friends say and most of them are not in the frame of mind to use steps to improve the marriage as this forum does. They just think I should divorce him since I�m so unhappy and that is not what I want.

Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by wipedout
He has asked several questions of Steve on how to deal with it. I saw yesterday that he had written more questions down for Steve about his anger.
This is very good smile Maybe he will start taking action to eliminate them for good.
Yes, maybe so. We have done our five session package. I called yesterday to purchase another package to continue.

Originally Posted by Prisca
Originally Posted by wipedout
I have read about UA time and am of course both drawn and deterred from the idea. Steve has not brought up this action. I�m wondering if that is because we are still in the education piece of our �project plan�
It is a bit unusual to not have had UA introduced yet, since this program is based on UA. But I have heard Dr. Harley say that he doesn't always advise UA when there is a big problem with AOs in the marriage.
Yea, I think it is odd too. I have a love/hate feeling about UA with him. I want UA and affection from him but I have felt so bad being around him from lovebusters that I just don�t care to be around him and sometimes am just anxious expecting lovebusters from patterns of past behavior.

Originally Posted by Prisca
Your letter was good, btw. smile
Thanks for saying so!! His response was �I read your email about resentment. Thank you for sending it to me and for your apology.� I guess it was something.


W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
wipedout #2727852 05/16/13 09:27 PM
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It sounds like Dr. Harley agrees that you are in danger and should separate.

Steve can continue to work with him after he is out of the house. He does not need to be under the same roof as you in order to fix his lovebuster -- he needs to leave in order to protect you. He's not going to do that on his own. You're going to have to make him.

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If H needs to address the fiery three before moving to the relationship, I need someone to work with him to accept or not accept this phase instead of having us work though sharing our ENs and LBs.
Kicking him out will definitely push the problem of AOs to the forefront, because he won't be coming home until those are gone!

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I believe I would feel better living in a separated environment temporarily while working through these items but only if he was in agreement.
He may never agree to this, but he doesn't have to. Kicking him out will push him to a choice -- do what it takes to keep you, or lose you.

Originally Posted by wipedout
Originally Posted by Prisca
I noticed with his last AO, you asked him to leave and he threatened to leave for good, so you caved.
Make that the last AO you tolerate. What can you do differently, if it happens again?
I need support when it happens. I can tell him to leave but my follow through is lacking to say the least.

Don't tell him to leave when he is having an AO. He will not listen. What you need to do is get away from him as soon as you can, and don't engage him. He will probably clam down and act as if everything is normal.

You need to change the locks on him when he is not there -- when he goes to work, for example. And don't engage him. I would pack his things, leave them outside, with a letter telling him you would like to have a marriage with him, but you can no longer tolerate his AOs (the "Listen Buster" quote from Dr. Harley would be a great one to base a letter off of). Then tell him to contact Steve, and Dr. Harley. They will tell him what he needs to do.

Don't ask him to leave. Make him. Don't debate him.

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I called Steve when it happened last but of course he didn�t respond to me when I needed the support.
You can do this AS you are changing the locks.

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They just think I should divorce him since I�m so unhappy and that is not what I want.
I don't think you should divorce him. Yet. Separation is not divorce. What you will be doing is letting him know that this is SERIOUS, and it MUST change. Or he risks losing you.

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I have a love/hate feeling about UA with him. I want UA and affection from him but I have felt so bad being around him from lovebusters that I just don�t care to be around him and sometimes am just anxious expecting lovebusters from patterns of past behavior.
Dr. Harley has told you not to meet his EN at this time, so UA really has no point here. There's really nothing you can do as long as his AOs continue.


Last edited by Prisca; 05/16/13 09:28 PM.

Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Reminder:
Originally Posted by Prisca
A good husband who discovers that his wife has changed the locks will come to her on his knees, hat in hand, asking "What do I need to do to win you back?" If he disappears from your life without another word, you are better off without him. Trust me. hug


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Will he enroll in Anger Management?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by wipedout
I believe I would feel better living in a separated environment temporarily while working through these items but only if he was in agreement. If he is not, then it will be the end of our relationship as he is not fully onboard with the program. I cannot seem to logically get him to understand how it would be beneficial.

We all know, though, that he's not going to agree to that. You're not going to persuade him that it's beneficial.

What may happen if you separate from him and insist that you will not allow him back home until he learns to control his angry outbursts, is that at first he may be angry and not agree, but after he has time to think it over and considers his situation, he may rise to the occasion and do what needs to be done to win his wife back. As my wife posted, he may come back "hat in hand" asking what he needs to do to restore your marriage. If he has no way to get home other than to learn to control his angry outbursts, he may suddenly start to see it as beneficial without any persuasion at all!

If he doesn't, then, I think you are right, it is the end of the marriage.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
wipedout #2727971 05/17/13 10:19 AM
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Update, yesterday evening we sat down to interview each other on LBs. We started with my #1. H was very gentle in his tone, appearance, words and actions. My #1 LB is Selfish Demands. He asked for examples. I cried a lot from hurt feelings over the past and from the general stress of sharing with him feelings because with past behavior there are DJs that come as a result of my feelings. He was sure to check with me often if I was ok and see if I needed a few moments or I wanted to stop. Overall my sharing with him went well, however, I do wonder what anger is underneath that he will express to Steve on our call today.

H, then asked if I wanted to stop or continue. I said we could continue. He shared his #1 LB of Annoying Habits. He shared a number of things. I only asked for clarification around one that was vague as to what specifically was the action that was annoying. He felt he needed to give me an example for �leaving piles around for days�. I thought it was pretty self explanatory. His example was that there was a pile upstairs next to the hope chest. I told him that is gone now. He said it was there this morning. I told him it was not because I took care of it on Tuesday (2 days prior). He became frustrated feeling that I was arguing with him. He said he was done with this exercise. I asked for a quick break. I took small walk away break and came back to tell him that I understand that I do leave things lay around for much longer than they should and he was right that the pile had lay around for days rather than being taken care of but I know it was picked up on Tuesday when I picked up other things in the loft and he was at dinner with his parents.

Investigative reporting ceased at that point. He was done. He was angry but handled it really well considering past behavior.

He asked a few minutes later if I was angry. I was probably a bit angry or rather hurt because I feel like he doesn't believe me when I know what I did (residual effects childhood trama issues)

I told him no I was not angry, I was disappointed, which I was more disappointed we had stopped the hurt part of me knows I was right and he was wrong. I can respect that he utilized the small fuse and didn't let it escalate. See....my hubby isn't so bad.

I wasn�t trying to minimize the importance of this action of mine that hurts him. I acknowledged that it had been laying there. The question was he was saying I didn�t pick it up and I did. The feeling I had behind that is that I feel like I can never do right by him and I can�t be trusted or believed. I do things and he doesn�t notice. I understand that it is okay for him not to notice as my goal is to prevent the hurtful behavior so he is not hurt to begin with. I do not need acknowledgement that he noticed. I need him to trust me when I say I did something and I�m sure of it. I am quick to say when I am unsure of something. I�m a forgetful person by nature so when I do remember something clear as day I am sure of it and 99% of the time am correct.

I see that my feelings were getting the best of me in the moment so maybe it wasn�t the right time for me to correct his thoughts and that is what led down the negative path. Thoughts?

Also, what do we do when we are at a point where he is adamant that it was there is the morning but I know it was not? I�m the one who moved it, so shouldn�t I be the one to really know?? I�m detailed in my thinking but also scatterbrained. My ADD leaves many things forgotten. My detailed thinking is what helps keep me in check with my ADD.

It's times like this that I want to yell that I am not his freakin enemy!!!

How could I have handled the situation better?

If the disagreement was outside of sharing LBs what would have been the best way to address his incorrect perception?


W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
wipedout #2727975 05/17/13 10:34 AM
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Quote
How could I have handled the situation better?
When your spouse tells you about a lovebuster, simply say "Thank you for telling me." Then take care never to do it again.

If you had already taken care of the pile he was upset about, then this was an easy fix and there is no longer a problem. Why argue about it? Take care not to leave such piles in the future now that you know it bothers him.

Quote
If the disagreement was outside of sharing LBs what would have been the best way to address his incorrect perception?
Calling his perception "incorrect" is a DJ.
There is no reason to correct his perception. Trying to do so is a DJ.
He complained about a lovebuster.
You knew you had already fixed that one issue (easy fix!), and you know it will bother him if you do it again (so don't!).


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

wipedout #2727977 05/17/13 10:36 AM
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Originally Posted by wipedout
How could I have handled the situation better?

How can you control your emotions when you're talking with your H?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Prisca #2727978 05/17/13 10:41 AM
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You might ask for clarification. If he insists the pile is still there, it may be a different pile, or he has a different definition of what constitutes a pile.

So instead of going back and forth with "yes it is, no it isn't" why not ask him to show you so you can see the pile.

The goal isn't to be right about the pile, the goal is to understand the LB. One like this is pretty easy, show me!

If it's not there as you said, you simply understand how much it bothers him and pledge to make sure it no longer happens.

As others have suggested, it's more important to consistently demonstrate your commitment to avoiding the LB behavior than it is to be right about what happened in the past.

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The other day, my wife and I disagreed on something. It was similar to the pile issue. I had taken care of the issue a day prior, she didn't feel I had. My answer was to apologize and tell her I'd be more timely (in a nutshell). What happened with what you did turned it into a who's right/who's wrong. This will turn the LB exercise into an unsafe event.

There's a good saying, 'would you rather be right or happy?' The better response to him would have listened to him and make a plan to address the leaving piles out issue.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

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Originally Posted by kilted_thrower
The other day, my wife and I disagreed on something. It was similar to the pile issue. I had taken care of the issue a day prior, she didn't feel I had. My answer was to apologize and tell her I'd be more timely (in a nutshell). What happened with what you did turned it into a who's right/who's wrong. This will turn the LB exercise into an unsafe event.

There's a good saying, 'would you rather be right or happy?' The better response to him would have listened to him and make a plan to address the leaving piles out issue.

There's another good saying "There's no right or wrong only what works and what doesn't work.".

Last edited by MrAlias; 05/17/13 12:40 PM.

Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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