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I first posted on*****edit****forum last fall, so i will provide the initial intro information from that timeline. Know that the dates mentioned are from last fall.

We can catch up as we go along.

I've read nearly every thread here daily for the past 1-2 months and just wish that i could intuitively think outside my original thoughts and reaction, so linksi delay reacting to prevent poor results is what i hope, but they haven't changed.

I am familiar with all the articles on this site and listen to the MB Radio when links are posted.

From intro post last September, 2012.


Firstly, my W moved out on February 16th of this year, 2012. She Firstly, my W moved out on February 16th of this year, 2012. She rarely makes contact, even to visit or call our only child, S-9.

We began dating in Fall of 2001 and our 1st kiss was December 5th 2001.

We got engaged in March 2002 at Disney World in front of the castle..

She became pregnant on her birthday on May 19th 2002

She moved in with me in June 2002.

Son born February 2003.

We were both in AA and had gotten to know each other after meetings at restaurants along with her mother who was also in AA, for the previous 6 months.

December 2004 we bought a new House/Home in a very nice neighborhood.

Iwas self employed as a contractor and scaled down my business when Little [removed name] started Pre-School so i could take him to school every day and still do now that he started 4th Grade.

Ialways took and did equal responsibility from changing diapers to anything else to help out in his child care.

2008 she stopped going to AA meetings at the beginning of the year.

Throughout the 1st 7-8years together we Never had anargument which in hindsight i now know was aproblem, because she either stuffed the problems internally or discussed them with her mom instead of dealing with them directly with me. Her mom would soothe her down and tell her that i might have meant something else than what she had presumed.

All of her journal writings and cards to me for this 2001 through beginning of 2008 stated how i made her feel more loved and adored than by anyone else in her entire life and that she had more than she could have ever asked, dreamed or prayed for and that i was her soulmate.

By the way, i was 43 and she was 25 when we 1st met.

Right after Thanksgiving of 2008, her mom was hospitalized and remained there till February 7th when she passed away. One week earlier, they had her go home for a day because they thought she would be released shortly.

My wife lived at the hospital at her bedside the entire duration and was broke down physically and emotionally. Her mom was in a medically induced coma for a long time while there.

Itook care of our son and asked if i should be at the hospital more often with

Iasked her if she wanted me to be at the hospital more with my wife, but she insisted that she just wanted to be alone their. My Big Mistake!!!

On way home from Labor Day 3 day trip to my parents, she upsets me with repeated comments about referring me to use a particular mechanic, but forewarns me that he and her used to drink together and she would often wake up in bed with him and say, Oh Chit, i did it again. This theme was repeated over 6 times and was really pizzing me off. Whats the purpose of repeating this to me?

Now to Labor Day weekend 2009. Our 1st argument. She points out she is not happy in the marriage. She points out that I dropped her on the face of the earth when her mom was sick and after she died. She also points out some of my poor characteristics of how i dealt with things around the house and says that i dont do enough to help out at home.

Iam completely perplexed, but proclaim that someday we will both look back at this day and say it was the best thing to happen in our marriage,because now i finally know what she expects of me.

3weeks go by and i am doing alot of extra things daily but i discover a spiral notebook on the kitchen table containing love poems an letters between her and an ex-boyfriend fforrom when she was 17 years old who happened to be the 1st guy she had sex with. They were talking about how they soon would be married and i discovered internet browser links searching for a3 bedroom apartment in the area where he lived.

Another thing, when her mom seemed like she could come home, i agreed that she could live with us and i would clean out our dining room and make it into a bedroom for her. Also, after her mom died, i had her younger sister move into our home with no expenses required.

Also, after my wifes moms wake, she reacquainted herself with old high school friends anf at least once per month she stayed out till 1:00 the next afternoon. I didnt like it but she was grieving severely so i accepted it without complaint and always took care of our son when she wss gone.

Idiscovered that she had been texting that guy over 4,000 times per month since January 2009.

When i asked her when she got home at 1:00 in the afternoon if she would stop beibg in touch with that guy so we can see about working on our marriage, she said, I dont think i can do that. It wouldn't be fair to him. WTF??? Months later i found something she wrote about him..... Ah, finally. Harmonious Love At Last. Then on December 5th 2009, i discover texts betwern her and thrr guy that she was going to meet when she was supposed to pick up her sister from work. This guy was a long time group friend and her Best Friends on again off again boyfriend. She texted that she just needed to be in his arms tonight,because he is the only guy for her.

So, just to slightly continue my story.....

From September, 2009, I have not been able to think straight and allowed my Thought Disorder to manifest itself so deeply, that i could not do anything except for research how to fix things up in our marriage and I tried to do alot more around the house and continued to take our son to school every day as I always had, but I had NO desire to concentrate on work at all.

Dang, i really allowed my own self to screw my life up financially.

Sooo many thought running through my head right now as to trying to piece together this past 3 years events, which I suppose are mostly irrelevant now.

Icontinued to attend to our son,signed him up for Cub Scouts and Catechism Religious Classes in 2009 when he started 1st grade and take him to Church most every Sunday. We go on campouts with the scouts and also attend all of the other Pack functions and he enjoys his friendships quite a bit.

My wife moved out of the home about 7 months and 1 day ago without giving any advance notice, with the exception that she was continually completely depressed while at home and taking anti-depressants and mood stabilizers and allergy pills that make her fall asleep, so basically, when she was home she was just sleeping in the recliner chair and that was it.

Slightly after we attended Marriage Counseling in February 2010, which lasted 6 months before her job schedule changed her mind about going anymore, she "Friended" that 1st Cheating Partner on her Facebook Page. WTF???

IHate Facebook!!!!! Nah, it just makes a cheating experience easier to hide away as do many other sites, like Reunion.com and Classmates.com and MyLife.com.

Idetached pretty well after she moved out, but still kept her informed about the ongoings of our son, who she gratefully left with me to take carwe of. But, her visits with her own son have been extremely sporadic, usually averaging betwee 26 to 36 days apart without ANY contact with him at al, not even aphone call.

Recently, she went 61 datys without any phone call or visit to him.

Our son seems to be doing finem, but I am always on the alert for any signs of problems. Last year during the sprin of his 3rd grade, his teacher commented about a lack of attention and focus, so I had the school social worker check in with him each day with a check in-check out program they have there.

Dang, we had the PERFECT life that everyone would have been envious of.

IStill believe that the caompassionate and moral person who Imarried a long time ago is still there inside somewhere and Iwant to be there for her when she resurfacves,if its not too late.

She has been doing alot of drinking and even her own sister told me that she never realized how much of adrinking problem that my wife had until she saw how much she drank over this past summer.

My own personal beliefs is that when she dropped out of AA her thinking started to turn a slight bit more negative, but add on top of that, when her mom got sick, was hospitalized,was put into a medically incuced coma, and then seemed to be getting better enough so that they were considering sending her home in 1 week, then she passed away, that the schock was beyond my wifes coping mechanisms and she had dropped her support group that she could have turned to.

Taking a break from typing now. makes contact, even to visit or call our only child, S-9.

Last edited by JustUss; 07/24/13 01:31 PM. Reason: removed other sites
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MB doesn't work until after the primary addiction to alcohol and/or drugs is handled appropriately.

I think the best thing you can do for her is take care of yourself and her (your) child to the best of your ability such that if and when she sobers up you can possibly be there for her.

Until then...get out of the way.

How are you managing day to day? Are you concentrating at work?? Your son is depending on YOU, his sole remaining sane parent to remain sane for him for many more years to come. This forum jumping looking for the magic pill to fix your ill wife isn't necessarily helpful or healthy FOR YOU.

YOU MATTER TOO.

An alternative approach... hire an attorney, file for divorce (or, at least, legal separation) demanding full custody, sole possession of the home and marital assets and that this woman pay you child support. Enabling her addictions and abandonment of you and your son isn't helpful to any of you. Perhaps, just perhaps, hauling her into court and having her face consequences for her behavior is one way to "bring the bottom up" so to speak and perhaps, initiate a "come to Jesus moment" whereupon she finally seeks help for her addiction(s).

Godspeed,
Mr. W


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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No divorce is on file. Me and my S-10 are covered from her work insurance. I have non-legal unordered full 100% custody of our son.

She has only seen and spoken to him 1 time for 1 hour in the past 178 days.

I gave up trying to facilitate more contact and visits after mid February, because she said i was making her feel like a bad mother and also stopped cheering her on to go back to AA because she had a temporary split up with her current live in AP and went back to 1 AA meeting, but i was chastised for trying to send positive encouraging messages about that to her.

I cut off all phone calls to her and only respond via e-mail, but the last contact was mid to end of May.

I had a Trigger occur last week.

I had an old e-mail account that i couldn't use for the past 9 months and finally got it opened up last week with the administrative service resetting the password, and low and behold, she had sent an e-mail at the beginning of June that i didn't know about.

We had communicated with my new e-mail since that time, but contact is now non-existent.

I know ongoing alcoholism takes 1st place from what I've learned, so I'm not clinging to any hope at this time.

Someday, maybe, i would like to learn how to re-engage her into non-adversarial communication. I want to plant those seeds when the opportunity may arise, just to know how and what to say and respond.

I am finally filing for CS through the public entity that assists with that.

I'm only using a cell phone and cant see if i missed any questions, but if you keep them short, i can reply to them more efficiently.

LTL

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Oh, regarding work and finances. I dropped the ball and couldn't concentrate on anything except for restoring our marriage and taking care of our son.

I regained my contractors license just 2 weeks ago and am starting from scratch. I used up my entire savings and IRA to survive and am currently in foreclosure, but recently sold my business property and caught up on back property taxes for a rental unit i own.

LTL

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Keep good notes on what she does and does not do for the child. If you want to keep custody and get CS that is a GREAT idea.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Thank you KR and also Mr W.

Yes, i keep track of every contact and the total days since contact.

It's still so sad to see what she has missed out on, but that's why i do not initiate any contact, because no matter how benign and harmless or encouraging with whatever i can find to validate and empathize, it gets interpreted with negativity, so any former pursuit is done with.

After her brief split up with the current POSOM, i felt she tried reaching out to me, but she wouldn't put anything in her own words, but just relied on a song lyric and YouTube video, called Fallen.

Here are the lyrics:

Fallen

By: Sarah McLachlan

Lyrics

Heaven bent to take my hand And lead me through the fire Be the long awaited answer To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best But somewhere along the way I got caught up in all there was to offer And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen... I have sunk so low I have messed up Better I should know So don't come round here And tell me "I told you so..."

We all begin with good intent Love was raw and young We believed that we could change ourselves The past could be undone But we carry on our backs the burden Time always reveals The lonely light of morning The wound that would not heal It's the bitter taste of losing everything That I have held so dear...

I've fallen... I have sunk so low I have messed up Better I should know So don't come round here And tell me "I told you so..."

Heaven bent to take my hand Nowhere left to turn I'm lost to those I thought were friends To everyone I know Oh they turned their heads embarrassed Pretend that they don't see But it's one missed step You'll slip before you know it And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen... I have sunk so low I have messed up Better I should know So don't come round here And tell me "I told you so..." [2X]

That was back at the beginning if March. She last visited our S-10 about one week after his birthday, which was the day after she said the AP will no longer be a problem for visitation, because they had split-up the previous day.

When she did pick him up, she called one hour later and said she couldn't deal with her anxieties and requested me to meet her to get him back. I was still trying to facilitate visitations and tried to see if she wanted to see him each of the next 2 evenings, but she declined for the same rational, also stating that she would pick him up on that Thursday, which she canceled for the same reason and said she would see him on Saturday instead, which also didn't happen.

She used to be a very good mother and i thought a good wife too. Just like all the other WS's, she has become an alien and is not the same person any longer.

The missed e-mail expressed some regrets over her relationship with our S-10, but it wasn't sent to my current active account we had been using and she never followed up on those words with any other actions.

I still want to respond in a positive demeanor to her, so that someday she can feel safe to open up and communicate properly and hopefully try to be a part of our Sons lufe once again.

Since there are no legal restrictions, i have made it clear that she can not have him while her AP is around.

My main DJ that i have pointed out to her, is how he relapse has affected her life. I haven't lectured her on that though now since around Christmas though.

IF she reconnects, what would be the safest dialogue track we could talk about, or do i just be brief and keep it to comments about our Son?

I am looking to be prepared if and when future conversations or e-mails may occur, so i want to be prepared to be a safe respite for her to feel she can trust being open with me.

LTL

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Thank you BH. i figured you would be around with links, lol.

Any archived radio segments dealing with a similar situation?

Wifey had a horrible inconsistent upbringing, but had gone to counseling prior to and after we met. She was often farmed out to other families from the age of 1 through 12 due to her single mothers addictions to alcohol and then to crack cocaine.

She also was a repeated victim of CSA by her female babysitter when she was around 5. Abandonment has been her legacy. She tested and was diagnosed for BPD, but i prefer to not use labels, especially since she is/was on the high functioning spectrum and ishe is not a cutter, along with not showing the signs until her own mothers hospitalization and unexpected death. Just a point for frame of reference.

LTL

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I will look.

Is she back in AA? Does she have a sponsor? Are you in AlAnon or AA?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Here is a good one.
Radio Clip on Addictions

Tell us what you think.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Just got done reading the Document, Document, Document thread. I have done a decent job of that, especially since she moved out with no advance notice to ether myself or our Son.

She previously had been in AA for just under 10 years.

On February 18th, she went back to 1 meeting, which was the day after the AP split up with her, so i presume her drinking had something to do with that, but he's an alcoholic too and is at the bar 3-4 times per week till closing time.

She hasn't been back since.

Now to listen to the Radio link.

Thanks,

LTL

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Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate
Oh, regarding work and finances. I dropped the ball and couldn't concentrate on anything except for restoring our marriage and taking care of our son.

I regained my contractors license just 2 weeks ago and am starting from scratch. I used up my entire savings and IRA to survive and am currently in foreclosure, but recently sold my business property and caught up on back property taxes for a rental unit i own.

LTL

I am also a contractor.
Like yourself I went broke during this hell.
I'm climbing out of the hole now.

Regarding foreclosure, that can be delayed months with an attorney.

Like yourself, my ex wife basically walked away.
I have full custody.
I encourage You to ask for a custody evaluation to ensure you receive full custody.
There is light at the end of te tunnel.
Focus on you and your kid

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Here's another show.
Radio Clip
Tell us what you think?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Here's another show.
Radio Clip
Tell us what you think?

BH,

All of the Logic part of my Logic part of me knows i can not save my wife, but i can save myself, so i agree and for the majority of the time, i have let her go so she can continue to destroy her life and hopefully hit her bottom.

Very little of my concern or empathy has been accepted by her and as a point to illustrate how she twists things around to spew hatred towards me, I'll describe a recent example..

Her sister had requested this past winter that i keep her updated with what's going on in my sons life, so about once a month i had sent her a photo of what he's doing. A week before Mothers Day, i took our son to visit my M-I-l's grave memorial to remind him of her and to say Prayers for her. She died 4 1/2 years ago when he was in kindergarten, so his memories of her are minimal.

I felt that was something that was very respectful to do.

Well, 2 1/2 hours after i texted a message to my S-I-L, which commented how well taken care of the marker site looked and that someone had recently put a very pretty flower in the attached vase, my W replied 2 words, because S-I-L forwarded my message to her. That message said..... F**K OFF.

I never bothered replying to that.

That should have been an act that seemingly should have been appreciated, but it definitely was not.

I took my son my son there right after his Saturday morning karate class and the Bar she hangs out at is one block away from the cemetery entrance and i did see her car in the parking lot before noon. I didn't mention that to her or the SIL though.

I just mainly keep on doing the right things for my son and am trying to restart my contracting company as my primary focus.

JK,

I started out my foreclosure when i got served 1 3/4 years ago and do have an attorney after i started the procedure pro se. My attorney says i can possibly delay this an additional 6-12 months, which hopefully gives me time to catch up on my finances. Getting leads is my biggest problem since i haven't pursued the business and marketing ever since September of 2009, when D-Day discovery first occurred. My website dropped off googles 1st page and rarely gets me any leads now. I need to SEO it all over again.

LTL

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We began dating in Fall of 2001 and our 1st kiss was December 5th 2001.

We got engaged in March 2002 at Disney World in front of the castle..

She became pregnant on her birthday on May 19th 2002

She moved in with me in June 2002.

Son born February 2003.

December 2004 we bought a new House/Home in a very nice neighborhood.


Maybe I missed it, but was there a mention anywhere of actually getting married?

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Lol. Maybe i didn't write that in. Too late to edit it now though.

Yes, we were married in June of 2004.

LTL

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
I will look.

Is she back in AA? Does she have a sponsor? Are you in AlAnon or AA?

I missed answering this question. My apologies BH. I did not mean to disregard it.

I have continuously been sober and attend regular AA meetings every week for a little over 19 years, plus i started attending Al-Anon once a week this past spring, but have felt i was getting more out of the AA meetings. I will still continue to sparse some Al-Anon meetings in though.

My W used to attend AA meetings regularly until about 1 year prior to her moms hospitalization and untimely death. Nearly no meetings for that year, but still sober until after her mom got sick or after she passed away. I don't know exactly when she relapsed.

Currently, she only went to 1 AA meeting the day after her AP temporarily split up with her and was "Supposed To" be moving out of her apartment. She hinted that she was leaning on going to more, but that didn't ever happen.

That e-mail she sent to my former address mentioned how she is not drinking as much as she thinks that i think she is. I'll post that after i edit out the personal information later on.

Alcohol is a destroyer. It is said that it is more of a "Thinking Disease", rather than a "Drinking Disease".

I do such a wonderful job of being a great Dad for our S-10, but it pains me to see how her absence occasionally affects him. He has had several sad reflections about how long it's been since he saw his ma-ma and was brought to tears about it. I think i handled it properly, but is still hurts.

He was reviewing his own digital camera recently and came across photos of 3 deceased pets he had and then a photo of his mom and stated that it feels like she is dead too, just like his pets.

LTL

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Good job for staying active in your recovery.

Is there anyway you can call her sponsor? Will she get back into recovery?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Good job for staying active in your recovery.

Is there anyway you can call her sponsor? Will she get back into recovery?

I did try to feel out that situation last spring, with her original sponsor and it was met with a stand that my W knows where the phone is if she wanted to seek that out.

At the 1 meeting she went to earlier this year, mid February, she sort of called a forner friend of her mom, and temporarily kept in touch with her. That person was not in favor of tying to intercede, even on the behalf of our Son, who had just turned 10 the week earlier.

I was, at that time, trying to be supportive only of her recovery and my W lashed out at me in an e-mail stating that I was Not Her Sponsor, so just butt the F out. I did.

I'm trying to currently still work on me and my business, starting all over from scratch and improve. I also still attend IC for myself and to check that i am doing the right things for my S-10.

Some AA'ers just don't want to get personally involved, except in regards to the Big Book and 12 Steps Only as it relates to alcohol.

Thank you for responding.

LTL

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Well they don't want to get involved because thus the first step...acknowledging we are powerless over alcohol and the alcoholi C

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