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I am pretty sure you completely misunderstood. Dr Harley views exposure as therapeutic because it is ruinous for the affair. And when she is out of her fog and your marriage is in recovery, she will agree. There is something very healing for the wayward in having had everything brought out into the light.
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Here is what I plan to discuss in my counseling session tonight (I sent this email to the counselor):
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I don't think that I have to recount the ways in which WW's behavior and actions are such horrible examples for our children. I don't think I have to recount how she is inflicting pain on me every day. And I can't help but believe that she is happy about what she is doing and fully aware of what she's doing. She is trying to "make me pay."
Therefore I am going to give her one last choice: 1) she can stop seeing that piece of crap and stay in the house and I will make as many compromises and cooperate as best I can to ensure a speedy and painless divorce with equal custody and everything; 2) same as number one except she continues to see that lowlife and moves out and we will arrange her plenty of visitation in the house until the MSA is done and signed and ordered.
If she chooses neither, and to continue on her daily attack on me and the children's well-being, then I will expose her affair to the homeschool community teachers and parents, to all of our neighbors, to all of her workplace associates, to all of the Sunday school teachers and members in the church that we know, to Sydney's swim team coaches, and to the parents of the swim team friends, and to the parents of all other friends of Sydney's and Deitrich's that come over to play. I will also begin a daily dialogue with the children discussing WW's behavior in a respectful and truthful way. I won't worry about their well-being, for as WW puts it, "The children will get counseling. They will be just fine."
Time for her to accept the consequences. The consequences will come sooner or later, and she can delay them and deal with them later by simply choosing 1) or 2).
This will be WW's choice. I hope that she chooses number one, but we know she won't do that. So then I prefer she chooses 2).
================================ Exposure. Threatening with exposure never works. It also makes the BH look weak because it makes it look as if he is afraid to expose WW.
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Exactly, Prisca. When you have a terrible secret it's a relief to have it out.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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What's going on?
Have you exposed or are you still siting on your hands so she has time to portray you as a wife abuser?
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Why do you NOT act?
Threats of exposure never work, and will probably backfire on you.
It will give her the chance to go to all those people and spin a story against you, pre-empting anything you hoped to do.
Waywards would never agree to your 1 or 2 option, so why even propose it. It is controlling her, and that is what she abhors.
If you think there is such a thing as an amiacble divorce, you are not thinking clearly. That is one in a million.
It appears that you are resigned to divorce, and that is ok. If that is where you are headed in your mind, then lawyer up and do it right.
If you want to fight for your marriage, then follow the path and do it right, no shortcuts, you are not a special exception.
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Maybe we can back up a bit...
Exposure: At what point is it enough? I suggested that the logical end is to broadcast it to the world via internet, neighborhood internet communities, so that EVERYONE will know she is cheating at this time.
But we know that there is something wrong with that - it becomes idle gossip for the people that don't know and don't care.
So where is enough?? I suggest that you can categorize people you know into 3 groups. 1) Close, trusted, friends; 2)Acquaintances (people that you are friendly with, and occasionally chat with at get-togethers, but don't do any socializing with, maybe you do things together as obligated parents of children on the same sports team but never anywhere else....these are often 'friends of friends'); and 3)People who know who you are and you know who they are but the most you do is say 'Hi' if you're physically near enough).
To put it differently, if you were in the mall and eating dinner at the food court, people in category 1 would come around and sit down and dine with you and you would talk. People in category 2 might wave and smile. People in category 3 would probably just act like they didn't see you and keep walking.
So...Category 1 seems to be the group that would have any chance of influencing a WW (in whatever way) out of the affair. Category 2 could have an effect as well, only I would say it is diminished because many would say "None of my beeswax; he is probably just mad about something or possibly deserves it" They just are not invested enough. Category 3 is just gossip fodder; those people won't want consider it any of their business and may also wonder "I wonder what his axe to grind is..."
The fact is I HAVE exposed to 98% of Category 1. BOTH WW and OM sides. And about 30% of Category 2.
I have NOT stuck my head in the sand.
NebDane: Why would I need a lawyer??
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Because WWs are some of the nastiest creatures you will ever encounter when it comes to divorce.
She might say she wants A now, but without a lawyer she'll ask for and probably get A, B, C, D, and the farm.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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AR2kids,
Have you exposed to business/work/clients etc of OM, attack his wallet.
God Bless
Gamma
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If you won't listen to the forum then I suggest you email Dr Harley. He will tell you the same advice.
Homeschool group exposure would put more pressure on ww to end the affair. I guarantee that she WILL tell family and friends that you are an abusive husband.
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Have you done a background check on OM ?
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Maybe we can back up a bit...
Exposure: At what point is it enough? I suggested that the logical end is to broadcast it to the world via internet, neighborhood internet communities, so that EVERYONE will know she is cheating at this time.
But we know that there is something wrong with that - it becomes idle gossip for the people that don't know and don't care. I don't really understand the point of this post. It's not a good idea to try and "categorize" because each and every cast of characters is different. [believe me, I have tried] The goal is to expose to anyone who might have an influence on killing the affair. We had suggested that you expose to the parents of her students since they are interested parties. Most parents would want to know if their child was being taught by an active and unrepentant adulterer. Having them know could put pressure on her affair when those parents address this with her. We have not told you to expose on the internet to "strangers," but if that were effective, I would not hesitate to recommend it because exposure is so therapeutic. The more people who know about her affair, the more people to hold her accountable. The more public her affair, the harder it will be for her to conduct it. So...Category 1 seems to be the group that would have any chance of influencing a WW (in whatever way) out of the affair. Category 2 could have an effect as well, only I would say it is diminished because many would say "None of my beeswax; he is probably just mad about something or possibly deserves it" We have even the CLOSEST family members say that. So what? You are not exposing because you have some imagined guarantee of a specific reaction. You have no control over the reactions of others, nor can you predict what that reaction might have been. The purpose is not to seek the approval of crapwits. It is a strategic mistake to imagine you can predict the effect of any exposure. And many, many people will say you are probably mad about something and deserve it. None of this is relevant. I am sorry that you view exposure as a negative action, that greatly hampers your ability to kill the affair. But I feel satisfied that I have given it my best shot here. I wish you the best.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Just what JK said. She will in all likelihood tell everyone you are abusive.
But I KNOW SHE WOULDN'T DO THAT. I bet you're saying that.
Tough noogies. WWs are nasty things. They will say and do whatever possible to paint you as the bad guy.
FOR THE FINAL FREAKING TIME...
TO THE HOMESCHOOL GROUP...
JUST...
EXPOSE!
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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If I were part of a group of parents who wanted the best for my children.....and I was told one of the other people in the group's marriage was quite tenuous, that there was drama going on in the family......I would distance my child from that person.
I would at the least be very on guard around them.
Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you want to know any huge emotional mess your own kids were at any level exposed to?
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OM has been completely exposed. It is not a workplace affair, and I have never been to his work, so that seems impossible to me to attack his wallet.
You're right MelodyLane - You have done your best. I do believe there is a 'final frontier' for exposure (the homeschool group and about 3 or 4 other people), and I should do it.
I will pray for strength and wisdom to deal with whatever after-effects there are. You guys are much more versed, and I wish I knew more.
By the way, the counselor let the cat out of the bag regarding my previous email to her that contained the 'threat'. After hearing your argument, "Don't threaten, just expose" I had changed my mind, but forgot to email/tell counselor that I changed my mind. But in the office, the counselor revealed my plan to the WW and strongly urged WW to stop seeing him or move out. WW said, "I can't promise that right now - I'd have to think about it." Counselor said, "AR - can you give her more time?" and I said, "I can give her one week".
I have about 1% confidence that WW will be moved out or decide to stop seeing him. In fact, yesterday she moved into the children's bathroom and moved many of her clothes into the upstairs room, thinking if she just stays out of my sight, everything will be better. (I kept saying that the example she is setting is an attack on our kids and family values and extremely offensive to me, who has been paying for 100% of our living expenses).
So now I want to wait one more week and fast and pray.
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You're right MelodyLane - You have done your best. I do believe there is a 'final frontier' for exposure (the homeschool group and about 3 or 4 other people), and I should do it. I think that is the best decision. Your wife's fantasy is deeply entrenched and her position in the homeschooling is her last bubble of safety. While it may not end the affair immediately, it will leave her no place to hide. Does this mean you will exposing the affair to the homeschool parents today? And I agree it is a waste of time to wait a week for something that will never happen. She is not moving. All she achieved was getting you off her back for a week so she can carry on her affair in peace. It is poor role modeling for your children to witness her carrying on her affair and you tolerating it. It is a mistake to let her ride for a week, IMO. You should keep the heat on.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Expose.
The best advice I received here (although I delayed and hesitated too long and it almost cost me).
Regardless of the marriage surviving or not, exposing killed my W's affair, and saved her from that destructive path.
Expose.
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AR2kids,
OM has been completely exposed. It is not a workplace affair, and I have never been to his work, so that seems impossible to me to attack his wallet.
However even people who lead a sleazy life outside of work, will try to maintain a clean image at the workplace. I would find his co-workers, professional associates, company owners, etc and expose to them.
Its not even that these people will care, some likely will, but that OM will feel uncertain about how their opinion has changed about him, and this will cause OM some fear about reduced prospects for promotion or retention.
God Bless
Gamma
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Get a lawyer lined up. ESPECIALLY, since you are convinced divorce is inevitable.
It is the first piece of advice i was given, and the one piece of advice i wish i would have listened to.
How do you know she hasn't sought legal advice herself?
You are going to be painted as a crazy, abusive husband. WW are crazy people (no offense ladies).
You think she won't demand everything in your life and pull every dirty trick in the book, then you are in denial my friend.
You let her manipulate you again and give her time. She got you off her back for a week.
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Also Gamma is right about exposure at his workplace. It WILL have an effect.
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Honestly, I am all about exposure but I don't see the point of exposure in the workplace if this is not a workplace affair. Maybe if he was a pastor, therapist or teacher. This poster is already overwhelmed at the prospect of exposing to the homeschool parents and I don't want to overwhelm him anymore than necessary.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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