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Melody,

Except that in this case he has kids he would like to keep away from an OM who could abuse or harm them. This OM is killing his family there has to be consequences. It's not about getting his wife back it's about keeping OM away.

We all know how much more likely it is that an OM or step parent will abuse non-biological children.

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted by Gamma
Melody,

Except that in this case he has kids he would like to keep away from an OM who could abuse or harm them. This OM is killing his family there has to be consequences. It's not about getting his wife back it's about keeping OM away.

We all know how much more likely it is that an OM or step parent will abuse non-biological children.

God Bless
Gamma

Except that that has nothing to do with the workplace.


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Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Gamma
Melody,

Except that in this case he has kids he would like to keep away from an OM who could abuse or harm them. This OM is killing his family there has to be consequences. It's not about getting his wife back it's about keeping OM away.

We all know how much more likely it is that an OM or step parent will abuse non-biological children.

God Bless
Gamma

Except that that has nothing to do with the workplace.
Dr. Harley is very clear on this.

If this isn't a workplace affair (which it isn't) then no workplace exposure is to be done.


FWW/BW (me)
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Not only that, but this guy works at a large company (over 10,000 employees) and at least 2,000 are on a 6-building campus.
I don't have the time to search out people. I still have a job, you know!!

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And the OM is on business travel this week anyway, so all he and WW do is text each other about 20-30 times a day and have a few phone conversations. (I know because I can see the daily phone records).
And to her the prospect of stop seeing him does not mean EVERYTHING cold turkey. She still would presume to be texting and emailing and calling.

I have seen two Christian lawyers and they both said, "Go through a mediator if she isn't going to try to kill you". And the fact is, she is not going to try to destroy me. She is already in agreement that with a divorce it will be 50/50 split in assets and custody. So no - no expensive lawyers. California is a no-fault divorce state. The judge won't care who cheated on who.

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Originally Posted by Gamma
Melody,

Except that in this case he has kids he would like to keep away from an OM who could abuse or harm them. This OM is killing his family there has to be consequences. It's not about getting his wife back it's about keeping OM away.

We all know how much more likely it is that an OM or step parent will abuse non-biological children.

God Bless
Gamma
Exposure at the workplace is unnecessary in this case. It is not a workplace affair.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by AR2kids
I have seen two Christian lawyers and they both said, "Go through a mediator if she isn't going to try to kill you". And the fact is, she is not going to try to destroy me. ....

I suppose hiring Androcles is one way to go. Did you spend your youth pulling thorns from the paws of divorce lawyers?

She's not going to try to destroy you. She is destroying you right now.


Last edited by ItCanGetBetter; 09/25/13 09:14 PM. Reason: Spelling

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Quote
And the OM is on business travel this week anyway, so all he and WW do is text each other about 20-30 times a day and have a few phone conversations. (I know because I can see the daily phone records).

Are they calling/texting during business hours? Is he using business phone?

Could be your basis for a workplace exposure.



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I'm out. There is no point in bashing my head against the wall any more here.

He'll get it eventually.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by AR2kids
And the OM is on business travel this week anyway, so all he and WW do is text each other about 20-30 times a day and have a few phone conversations. (I know because I can see the daily phone records).
And to her the prospect of stop seeing him does not mean EVERYTHING cold turkey. She still would presume to be texting and emailing and calling.

I have seen two Christian lawyers and they both said, "Go through a mediator if she isn't going to try to kill you". And the fact is, she is not going to try to destroy me. She is already in agreement that with a divorce it will be 50/50 split in assets and custody. So no - no expensive lawyers. California is a no-fault divorce state. The judge won't care who cheated on who.
Did you expose to the Homeschool parents yet?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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In fact, yesterday she moved into the children's bathroom and moved many of her clothes into the upstairs room, thinking if she just stays out of my sight, everything will be better.
She didn't move into the children's bathroom (??? She moved into the bathroom?? Is there a bed in there?) and she didn't move her clothes out of your bedroom to 'stay out of your sight' so 'everything would be better'. She moved out of your bedroom so she could declare to her OM that the two of you are "officially separated". Of course, you're not. You're still very much married. But WS's like to move out of the marital bedroom and declare themselves "separated".


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Expose to the parents of the children who are being taught by your wife. They need to know your family is in a crisis so they can choose whether their children are in the line of fire (around someone who is clearly not family oriented right now).

I agree with MelodyLane not to bother with OM's workplace.

I also think, perhaps you should cancel your cell phone plans for the family (though you can see WW's calls.......she would need to find a way to contact him other than constant texting).

Heck....maybe sell the car she drives, etc so it is more difficult for her to go on dates with him.

How IS she seeing him? Is she a stay at home mom? Who is with the kids when she is on dates?







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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by AR2kids
And the OM is on business travel this week anyway, so all he and WW do is text each other about 20-30 times a day and have a few phone conversations. (I know because I can see the daily phone records).
And to her the prospect of stop seeing him does not mean EVERYTHING cold turkey. She still would presume to be texting and emailing and calling.

I have seen two Christian lawyers and they both said, "Go through a mediator if she isn't going to try to kill you". And the fact is, she is not going to try to destroy me. She is already in agreement that with a divorce it will be 50/50 split in assets and custody. So no - no expensive lawyers. California is a no-fault divorce state. The judge won't care who cheated on who.
Did you expose to the Homeschool parents yet?

I don't think he has.
While his wife is texting OM all day and night he is still sitting on his hands

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He seems to intend to do nothing in exposing to the homeschool parents. Because that would be WRONG, gosh darnit!


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by karmasrose
He seems to intend to do nothing in exposing to the homeschool parents. Because that would be WRONG, gosh darnit!
It doesn't make sense that he wouldn't expose to the homeschool parents, unless there was another reason that we know nothing about.


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If you think she's such a good parent and teacher and that her choices have no impact on what/how she guides them let me tell you something I found on my voice recorder. This is verbatim what WW said to MIL one day:

"I know you and grandma aren't happy about my choices. I hope one day you can forgive me. I also hope that one day my daughter has the strength to make the same decisions I have if she's in the same situation."

Get mad, do the Exposure and get it done. If not you risk the future of each one of those innocent babies. While you can't choose to teach another person's child, their parents deserve to have a choice in whether they want your wife spouting wayward rhetoric at some point in the future.

Last edited by mijunleigh; 09/26/13 01:32 PM.

BH Me 34
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Multiple EAs 2006-2011
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PA 3 OM2 1/06/2013; D-Day2 1/14/2013
Divorcing 1/22 Plan A 1/23
Worthless attempt at Trickle Exposure
Multiple PAs OW2,3,&4 since 1/27/2013
WW moved out 3/5/2013
Temp Custody of DS and DD 3/21/13
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So are you doing Plan A (trying to meet the needs she will let you) or Plan B (not meeting any needs)?

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Originally Posted by wannabophim
So are you doing Plan A (trying to meet the needs she will let you) or Plan B (not meeting any needs)?

They are not separated, wannabophim. They still live together.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Correct me if I'm wrong: As long as WW is seeing OM, there is no benefit or point in trying to meet her needs (although there is still the chance that I can make more withdrawals from her love bank). So therefore, there is no need to "try" Plan A.

I WANT to do Plan B, but she won't move out and so I'm convinced that I will expose. I only got the email list last night at about 3am, when I snooped into her PC to get it. This is not MY homeschool organization. It is WW and Neighbor that put it together and coordinated it. My kids belong to it, but I have never had the mailing list and I don't know 70% of the parents. I WORK during the day when they have classes. (But they will know me soon!)

Last night, WW and Neighbor went out at Neighbor's request. Don't know how it went, but Neighbor was going to "talk" to WW to convince her to do the right thing. Neighbor, obviously, is hurt and betrayed, too, and has known since the beginning; she's the one that gave me Harley's book SAA. Of course that edition didn't have anything about Exposure. And Neighbor is a busy mom with 5 children and focused on praying for us and not allowing herself to getting too involved. So don't start blaming her. Perhaps she convinced WW to tell the whole community. Perhaps she told WW that the community will find out this week. I don't know. When I do, that's when I will make up my mind HOW to expose to community. And I WILL feel good about it.

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Originally Posted by AR2kids
Correct me if I'm wrong: As long as WW is seeing OM, there is no benefit or point in trying to meet her needs (although there is still the chance that I can make more withdrawals from her love bank). So therefore, there is no need to "try" Plan A.

I WANT to do Plan B, but she won't move out and so I'm convinced that I will expose. I only got the email list last night at about 3am, when I snooped into her PC to get it. This is not MY homeschool organization. It is WW and Neighbor that put it together and coordinated it. My kids belong to it, but I have never had the mailing list and I don't know 70% of the parents. I WORK during the day when they have classes. (But they will know me soon!)

Good man!! hurray

The plan you should be in is Plan A. While she won't allow you to meet her needs while her lovebank is closed to you, it is a good idea to TRY. You should let her know that if she will end her affair, you would be willing to meet her needs and do everything to create a happy, romantic marriage.

One of the best descriptions of Plan A comes from Pepperband's "CArrot and Stick of Plan A," however, Dr Harley has stated on the radio show that while he likes the elements, he doesn't want anyone to wrongly interpret C&A as "reward and punishment." [And Pepperband did not mean it that way either] So I am posting this with the qualifier that Plan A is not punishment:

Quote
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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