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I have written to Dr Harley explaining my situation to him (I have taken to heart his advice regarding remarriage and plan to follow it but still enjoying casual dating around and OS friendships) and he has responded.

Note: I emailed the moderators and told them I had received this email from Dr Harley and asked for permission to share it, which they approved.

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
From my perspective, and from the experiences I've witnessed in helping single moms get through the growing up years of their children, I see nothing wrong with dating. And when a relationship starts to become serious, I see nothing wrong with introducing your children to the man to get their reaction. Since they are not romantically attached to him, they will have some objective reactions that can be useful to you. He can even come over for dinner if your children would encourage it, but definitely not stay overnight, even if he sleeps in another bedroom.

Some men want to get married as soon as the relationship heats up, and if you want to wait until your youngest is grown and out of the house, they might break up with you. That would be very hard on you emotionally, but if that�s their choice, I�d encourage you to let them go.

Premarital sex usually makes any friendship so compelling that it becomes irrational. Many single women have told me that as soon as they have sex with a man, they lose their ability to objectively judge the wisdom of their marriage to him. So I would encourage you to avoid it.

I have always been a big believer in singles having many relationships with those of the opposite sex (Joyce and I certainly did), and then when married, end them all, swapping them for couples friendships where the primary friend for each is the same sex (Joyce and I did).


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Thanks for sharing what Dr. Harley said, SusieQ.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi, thought I would come in for an update on my life. Well that guy I was dating didn't work out. He just disappeared and started ignoring me. I've decided that dating isn't really worth the hassle and I'm not looking to meet any man. I want to concentrate all my time on my son and just being the best mother I can be. And to be honest I'm just so busy I really don't have time for a man in my life.

My XWH is still living with OW unmarried, has been for about 4 years now in the house they bought together.

My son comes home and tells me he hates OW and she bosses him around and hardly acknowledges him. He's told me he's happy that I don't have a boyfriend and that all my time is for him. I'm happy with that and my son knows he always comes first in my life.

Since the last time I updated I had some contact with WXH. I had quite a few phone calls to him where we discussed our son. I thought I could handle this as we have been divorced for a year and a half now. But turns out it just made me upset so I've decided that this is not a good idea for me.

Even during these phone calls he started going on about how he missed me, still loved me etc but was stuck with OW because of the house etc. He's definately not happy but I doubt he will ever change things. Same old story.

XWH has missed out on so much of our son's school events, presentations, sporting carnivals because OW still won't let him be in the same vicinity as me. He is still controlled and under constant GPS surveillance even after all this time.

Sadly my son misses out. I'm just glad that he has me there to celebrate his achievements.

It's funny I don't even blame OW for my WXH not being involved in our son's events and achievements anymore. At the end of the day it's my WXH who is a coward and can't stand up for himself and say 'hey this is my son and I'm going to see him at school presentation night, or i'm going to watch my son's swimming carnival'.

He's definately not the man I married. He has become a weak coward of a man and I feel sorry for him.

I still love him and when I think of him it just makes me so sad.
I do think we are still supposed to be together, but I don't know if I could ever take him back after the hurt he has caused my son and I and because of the time that has passed.

But I am doing good and don't think of him that often.

I gave up the bookkeeping course and I am studying a Diploma in Beauty Therapy and go to night classes 2 nights a week where I have met some great ladies and we have a lot of fun.

Once I have finished this course in 18 months I will be a fully qualified Beauty Therapist and hopefully will leave my current job and find full time work in the beauty industry. My son will be a bit older so I will be able to work more.

My plan is eventually to find a new house to live in for my son and I. Currently I still rent the house that is owned by my WXH and his father. They have increased the rent 3 times in the past 3 years with no consideration for me, and claiming that it's business.

I hope to get a good job and cut all ties completely and not have to live here anymore.

XWH has definately come out on top after our settlement leaving me with barely anything as I needed to pay off loans etc.

But I refuse to let it bring me down and I am determined to live the best life possible for my son and myself.

I've taught him that even though we live in a modest house, unlike his father in his million dollar home, what's important is that we have so much love and fun and we are very lucky. My son understands this and is a lot happier when he's with me. He can just relax and be himself and not have OW'S kids around.

My WXH is good in respect to paying child support for my son, but I'm the one who basically does the hard yards in regards to everything else.

I'm proud of that and if WXH wants to miss out on all his stuff, just because a woman tells him too that is not even his wife, then I just feel sorry for him because one day he will regret putting an OW over our son.

The situation still hurts and makes me teary, but I don't dwell on it anymore. I've learned to be positive and picked myself up.

I have no desire to talk to WXH anymore. I've got good friends, a wonderful son and my 20 year old daughter and I are so much closer now. I'm looking forward to finishing my course and starting a new life for my son and I.

I think I've come a long way smile











Last edited by rocksolid; 04/15/16 07:13 AM.

Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
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Thank you for the update, RS!

I think my post-D life mirrors yours in a lot of way, from the top priority being the kids right now all the way to trying to balance a Plan B mindset but struggling with dealing with emotions from seeing your kids being hurt by their still wayward father. My exWH also has a new wife and family and basically doesn't have much to do with either of our children. I currently have my son 100% of the time because he has had a lot of issues with his stepmom.

I guess I am different than you in that I could never ever see myself loving exWH
again - everything from the woman that he married to the woe is me attitude and treatment of the kids...the negative love units are like -100 million. lol. He's so incredibly unattractive to me. Yuck.

Anyway, how did you even get to the point of having phone calls with him? Have you blocked him again?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Originally Posted by SusieQ
Anyway, how did you even get to the point of having phone calls with him? Have you blocked him again?

I was wondering the same. Are you going back to Plan B?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I pretty much sucked at Plan B. Did manage to go about 6 months of no contact.

Fast forward a year. WXH is marrying OW in 2 weeks time. Another thing he said he would never do.

My 11 year old son has said all along he never wanted to attend. He still doesn't want to go but he has now decided he will go because he doesn't want to people to ask questions why he wasn't there.

My WXH told me the reason he is getting married to her is because it's what his family expects and that he is content with his life even though what he has with her is nothing like he had with me (well DUH!)

Nothing else has changed, except for him marrying her. OW still watches him like a hawk and doesn't trust him.

OW still doesn't give my son the time of day, but now leading up to the wedding she had the nerve to chat to my son and apologise for being mean and saying sorry to him. She also said to him that she never bothered trying because she knew that I hated her. (Well I wonder why I hated you OW!) I feel pissed off that she said this to my son.

Anyway nothing else can be done anymore.

I'm done caring anymore.

Other than that I graduated my course and I have a new job. I'm dating a nice man for the past 2 months who is amazing and lovely. I haven't introduced him to my son. I'm just waiting to see what happens.


So I guess I survived the affair even if I didn't recover my marriage.





Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

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I am sorry to hear you did not stick with Plan B and are still tangled up in this mess frown Even though you say you are done caring, it is evident by your post that you are not, you are still emotionally tangled up in it, and still allowing your XH to manipulate you. I'm not exactly sure why you would choose this, when you have a better way. I know if I started dating someone who was still tangled up in a situation like this, I would choose to run the other way.

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Originally Posted by rocksolid
I'm done caring anymore.
It is quite clear that you do care.

You WILL care as long as you are in contact. That is the WHOLE POINT of going into Plan B - to remove yourself from this kind of unnecessary drama and not have it have ANYTHING to do with you.

We've had other BSs who refuse to let go after divorce. What's going to happen here is you are going to continue to be caught up in this type of unnecessary drama regarding them for years and years to come. And yes, it will affect your life and it will affect your son.

We have seen this before, even with BSs who remarry, and they continue to refuse to let go.

If you want to do that, we can't stop you - but this is not MB and it is not healthy.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Divorced July 2012
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Originally Posted by rocksolid
I pretty much sucked at Plan B. Did manage to go about 6 months of no contact.

Any kind of behavior change is difficult for ANYONE. The whole point of MB and this forum is to get support and help from people in following through on behavior modification in marriage and separation and even divorce.

You darn well know that. You disappeared. You didn't WANT to do Plan B.

You actively stayed in contact and didn't take steps to get help to get back on track even after knowing that breaking the Plan B was a terrible idea (look at your post from 2016).



Ddays 2007 and 2011
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I agree with everything unwritten and SusieQ have said. They are so on point. As we have all said, you will continue to stay stuck because you refuse to go into and stick to Plan B.

Also, about your guy friend that you�re dating. How fair is it to him and a new relationship when you�re still so entrenched with your XWH? I would not want to be involved with someone who is still so stuck on their Ex. That is just setting anyone up for drama and heartbreak.

So what is your plan?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I guess I should have mentioned that I actually don't want my WXH back. If he turned up on my doorstep begging forgiveness and promising to follow MB I wouldn't take him back.

I'm very happy with my new guy. Yeah I've made lots of mistakes in not following Plan B and disappearing. I actually am so positive in my life now though it may not seem so from my post. I've made lots of changes in my life and I don't let things get me down much anymore.

I guess I came here because WXH getting married was like the final blow and made me feel hurt again. But I am coping and I'm happy with how far I have come. I can honestly say I don't want him back. I don't want to talk to him anymore and I'm definitely ready to move on. I just struggled finding out about the marriage but I'm not going to let it get me down.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
Words mean NOTHING.
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Originally Posted by rocksolid
I guess I should have mentioned that I actually don't want my WXH back. If he turned up on my doorstep begging forgiveness and promising to follow MB I wouldn't take him back.

I'm very happy with my new guy. Yeah I've made lots of mistakes in not following Plan B and disappearing. I actually am so positive in my life now though it may not seem so from my post. I've made lots of changes in my life and I don't let things get me down much anymore.

I guess I came here because WXH getting married was like the final blow and made me feel hurt again. But I am coping and I'm happy with how far I have come. I can honestly say I don't want him back. I don't want to talk to him anymore and I'm definitely ready to move on. I just struggled finding out about the marriage but I'm not going to let it get me down.

It sounds like you are saying you are not going to do Plan B? Is that right?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
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No its not correct Susie. I don't feel a need to be in contact anymore.


Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs
XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs
Plan B
DS: 9yrs old (with H)
DD: 20yrs old
Divorced Dec 2014
WXH still living with POSOW

Actions mean EVERYTHING.
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Originally Posted by rocksolid
No its not correct Susie. I don't feel a need to be in contact anymore.
So what is your Plan to get into Plan B?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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No, don't divorce him; if he chokes and dies while eating her food you hopefully will collect on a life insurance policy. So, until he chokes out continue to search for Mr. Right. Accept it, your ex-husband is gone and he is handsome enough to be able to have two women when most men just want one good one! Studs don't make good husbands. I understand you sleeping with him; afterall he is your husband and loneliness from desertion is painful. So, be sure to get the GF's/ phone number so that when you are strong enough to go through the divorce you will get the property(for desertion) and she could become your ally after he leaves her. Hang in there, you'll get over hurt after many years...the other side is better and the only regret is that you didn't move faster. flash4ga

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Originally Posted by rocksolid
No its not correct Susie. I don't feel a need to be in contact anymore.

Hi RockSolid, I just wanted to write to you to share some of my experience. When I was previously struggling to implement Plan B, I thought I was having no contact with my WH and that I was therefore doing what I needed to do, but now that I am in a real Plan B I know how wrong that was. I was still totally involved in the drama of it all - and that stopped me being calm, happy and confident like I am now.

The real benefit of plan B is that is stops you having any kind of negative emotional reaction to your XWH at all. Why would I care if he got married again, had more kids, or anything else? He's not the man I want for a husband and he's not willing to change to become one - so I don't want him. It is ME saying he's not good enough for me. Not him rejecting me. I am so much better off than I was before and I wouldn't change it for anything! I think if you were in a real Plan B, you would start to feel like that very quickly. You would chuckle to yourself about him getting married because you know what a lucky escape you have had and what misery OW has got ahead of her laugh


BW (me) 40
WH, serial cheater, 41
Four children:
DS1 8
DS2 7 (from one of WH's previous affairs, lives with me)
DS3 6
DD 2

D-day Jan 4 2017
Plan B (first attempt) Feb 21 2017
Plan D Aug 28 2017
Plan B (properly) Aug 31 2017

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs - and blaming it on you....or being lied about don't deal in lies..." IF, by Rudyard Kipling https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/46473
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Originally Posted by rocksolid
No its not correct Susie. I don't feel a need to be in contact anymore.

Well, I am confused because Brain asked you what your plan was and you did not answer her.

Is there a reason that you are not answering that question?

Plan B does not happen by a declaration that you don't feel you need to have contact anymore - steps need to be taken. I know that you know this.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Originally Posted by rocksolid
No its not correct Susie. I don't feel a need to be in contact anymore.

You told us that you did not want to be in contact back on 4/2016:
Originally Posted by rocksolid
I have no desire to talk to WXH anymore.
However you stayed in contact with him for a year and a half after saying this.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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My post to you 3.5 years ago when you had broken Plan B and written another post about WH/OW drama:

Originally Posted by SusieQ
Is this what you want for your future? To keep getting sucked into this type of drama over and over for the next 1, 2, 5 years??

Or would you like to eventually be in a place where you really could care less what the wayturds are doing?

You need to decide.



Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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Posts: 7,448
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RS, I'm sitting here trying to help you when I have a to-do list that is about a mile long because I am taking getting ready to go on a well-deserved vacation (I am a single mother and I work 7 days a week).

I've been trying to help you with Plan B for over 3 years now. It feels like we are more serious about your Plan B that you are.

You need to let posters know if you are serious about this or not so that you do not waste people's time. We are volunteers, we do not get paid to do this.

We do not want to hear anything else about xWH or OW drama (now or years from now).



Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
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