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I really want to save our marriage, help please #2765380
11/11/13 04:22 AM
11/11/13 04:22 AM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 6
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zfletcher Offline OP
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zfletcher  Offline OP
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Me and my wife have been together for 3 years. We are young and have two kids. This past year I got a job working offshore so im gone 28 days at a time. Last week she came to me and said that her feelings for me have gone away and shes wanting a divorce. Over the last two years I have been stressed with money issues and she said I closed up and stopped communicating with her and she has lost Intrest. I do not want a divorce and I know the things I have said or not said that was so bad. I always had to be right, I always dwelled on the past and her past. I want to work through this and be the husband she deserves but she has closed up to me and says she no longer loves me. We still talk and live together and she says she is trying but she doesnt think it will help. Is there any advice for me to spark the love again and work through this?

Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: zfletcher] #2765381
11/11/13 04:25 AM
11/11/13 04:25 AM
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BrainHurts Offline
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Originally Posted By: zfletcher
Me and my wife have been together for 3 years. We are young and have two kids. This past year I got a job working offshore so im gone 28 days at a time. Last week she came to me and said that her feelings for me have gone away and shes wanting a divorce. Over the last two years I have been stressed with money issues and she said I closed up and stopped communicating with her and she has lost Intrest. I do not want a divorce and I know the things I have said or not said that was so bad. I always had to be right, I always dwelled on the past and her past. I want to work through this and be the husband she deserves but she has closed up to me and says she no longer loves me. We still talk and live together and she says she is trying but she doesnt think it will help. Is there any advice for me to spark the love again and work through this?

Welcome to MB.

Traveling jobs are horrible for a marriage. Who is she spending her time with while you're gone?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: BrainHurts] #2765382
11/11/13 04:34 AM
11/11/13 04:34 AM
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Posts: 6
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zfletcher Offline OP
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zfletcher  Offline OP
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She is home alone with our two kids, we have never cheated

Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: zfletcher] #2765383
11/11/13 04:46 AM
11/11/13 04:46 AM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 6
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zfletcher Offline OP
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zfletcher  Offline OP
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I know that if I can draw her back in some how we can have a happy life together. I spoke to a marriage coach and he told me everything that was happening without me even telling him. He said to start out small and work onit but im scared she will leave before we can fix it. I love my wife very much and do not want the divorce. Please help.

Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: zfletcher] #2765384
11/11/13 05:30 AM
11/11/13 05:30 AM
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BrainHurts Offline
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MB is the best program to get back on track by Dr. Harley's 15 hours of Undivided attention is huge part of that. Can you get a job back home?

How do you know whom she is with and talking to if you aren't home?

Please read this.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

What are her top EN? What Love Busters bare you guilty of?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: BrainHurts] #2765385
11/11/13 05:38 AM
11/11/13 05:38 AM
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zfletcher Offline OP
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zfletcher  Offline OP
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The truth is I dont know if there is anyone else. I ask her and she says no but im unsure. And she says I have changed. I have said some things in our marriage I shouldnt have like when my son was born I had made the comment after seeing that, id never lookat her the same. I honestly didnt mean it in a bad way and have said sorry a thousand times but she took it really bad. Also I find myself bringing up her past which always causes problems. I want to believe she isnt talking with someone else but I cant be sure. I have started the love dare and I am on day 9. This started 9 days ago. The days before that we were fine. I want to fix this.

Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: zfletcher] #2765386
11/11/13 05:40 AM
11/11/13 05:40 AM
Joined: Nov 2013
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zfletcher Offline OP
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zfletcher  Offline OP
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I wish there was somthing I could do or show her that it can be better if we stick with it. Everytime I bring it up she says she doesnt think anything will help and she cant stop thinking about moving on. I get home on Wednesday and will be home 28 days. I dont want to come back to work with this still going on

Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: zfletcher] #2765387
11/11/13 05:45 AM
11/11/13 05:45 AM
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Posts: 19,493
Moved to Uranus
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BrainHurts Offline
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You can deposit all the love bank deposits you want, but if she has someone else it won't do any good.

You need to rule out an affair and/or someone else. Will you put spyware on her computer and phone?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: BrainHurts] #2765388
11/11/13 05:48 AM
11/11/13 05:48 AM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 6
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zfletcher Offline OP
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zfletcher  Offline OP
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I dont want it to come to that. Do u think If I go to her and ask face to face Wednesday it would help or hurt the situation?

Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: zfletcher] #2765389
11/11/13 06:32 AM
11/11/13 06:32 AM
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T0186 Offline
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I am in a similar boat there and here is what I did so far...seems to be bringing her back but it is a slow process. The hard part that I am realizing now she basically she feels that moving on is her best option because there is nothing here good for her anymore with the relationship you have. What I would recommend is read through this website and truly try to create the relationship that she wants and show her that you have changed into the man she wants. There has to be good reasons she is leaving. Find it and see what you can do to personally fix it for good. Everyone has their opinion but truly it is how you feel about it. Everyone experiences are different so take what you can from each and try to incorperate it into your relationship.

Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: T0186] #2765392
11/11/13 06:46 AM
11/11/13 06:46 AM
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
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helpfordad Offline
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Passing this along from a former vet on this forum:

Here is your game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully, to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest.

THE BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 – Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 – Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. (“Eblaster” can cover #4 as well.)
4 – Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 – Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take “personal” calls
6 – Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and “on” whenever in her presence.
7 – Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her – parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 – Put together a similar list for the POSOM.


WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,

9 – Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife’s contacts, to the tune of: “I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333”
11 – Write a similar note to POSOM’s contacts.
12 – Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 – Brace yourself.

Godspeed!

Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: zfletcher] #2765393
11/11/13 06:54 AM
11/11/13 06:54 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,289
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SusieQ Offline
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SusieQ  Offline
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Originally Posted By: zfletcher
Last week she came to me and said that her feelings for me have gone away and shes wanting a divorce.


This is a form of ILYBINILWY - (I love you but I'm not in love with you) and is what every person in an affair says. Plus Dr Harley says whenever a married person wants to separate, it's most likely because there is somebody in the wings. And we see it over and over and over on the forums here.

And it should be pointed out that we also see people over and over and over here deny there is any affair - NOBODY wants to believe their spouse would have an affair and are SHOCKED when they find out they are -- and these people almost always come back and later tell us they were WRONG and should have listened.

The worst thing you can do is confront your W about this and try to get her to tell you if she is having an affair. PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. Quietly snoop and in the meantime be pleasant and avoid relationship/divorce talk.

I hope that you will listen. Trying to meet woo someone back to a marriage while ignoring an affair does NOT work. If there is an affair, this is very fixable but you need to follow our advice.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: T0186] #2765398
11/11/13 07:15 AM
11/11/13 07:15 AM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,289
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SusieQ Offline
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SusieQ  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,289
Originally Posted By: T0186
I am in a similar boat there and here is what I did so far...seems to be bringing her back but it is a slow process. The hard part that I am realizing now she basically she feels that moving on is her best option because there is nothing here good for her anymore with the relationship you have. What I would recommend is read through this website and truly try to create the relationship that she wants and show her that you have changed into the man she wants. There has to be good reasons she is leaving. Find it and see what you can do to personally fix it for good. Everyone has their opinion but truly it is how you feel about it. Everyone experiences are different so take what you can from each and try to incorperate it into your relationship.


I just looked at your posting history and see that your WW has had an affair and has even left the home. I would urge you to go back to your SAA thread and listen to the advice that is being given there.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: zfletcher] #2765401
11/11/13 07:47 AM
11/11/13 07:47 AM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 90,566
Texas
M
MelodyLane Offline
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Texas
Originally Posted By: zfletcher
We still talk and live together and she says she is trying but she doesnt think it will help. Is there any advice for me to spark the love again and work through this?


Hi zfletcher, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. The reason your wife has fallen out of love is because of your job. You are not home enough to sustain the love in your marriage. A couple must be spending 15 hours a week together giving each undivided attention to remain in love. If you want to save your marriage, I would quit that job and get something that keeps you home every night. Can you take a leave of absence while you job hunt?

Jobs like this are also invitations to an affair. It is very likely she is having an affair. So you will have to do some super sleuthing to find out what is going on. There are rare, rare exceptions, but most of the time there is an affair going on. When a woman says she is not in love anymore, it is typically because she has a new point of comparison. So the first step has to be to rule out an affair.

If you can do those things, there is a chance at saving this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: T0186] #2765402
11/11/13 07:55 AM
11/11/13 07:55 AM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 90,566
Texas
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MelodyLane Offline
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Texas
Originally Posted By: T0186
Everyone has their opinion but truly it is how you feel about it. Everyone experiences are different so take what you can from each and try to incorperate it into your relationship.


AGree with most of your advice, TO186, however, we are not here to impart our own "opinions," we are here to impart Dr Harley's program. The presenting poster would be foolish to go by his feelings because a) he is the least objective person on the thread and b) he has no idea how to save a marriage. His best thinking has ruined his marriage. There is a very specific path back to marital recovery using Dr Harley's steps. Recovery does not happen when it is based on "feelings" or personal opinions.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Re: I really want to save our marriage, help please [Re: zfletcher] #2765403
11/11/13 08:00 AM
11/11/13 08:00 AM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 90,566
Texas
M
MelodyLane Offline
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Posts: 90,566
Texas
Originally Posted By: zfletcher
I dont want it to come to that. Do u think If I go to her and ask face to face Wednesday it would help or hurt the situation?


Don't ask her if she is having an affair. Just quietly do some sleuthing. And whatever you do, don't move out!

I would start by slipping a keylogger on her computer and some spyware on her phone. A good, easy keylogger is eblaster at spectorsoft.com. Cell phone spyware is eblaster or flexispy at flexispy.com.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101




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