Effective Marriage Counseling pg 112 - 113

What about Resentment?

One of the most common objections to the POJA is that it creates
resentment when it�s followed. I agree; it does usually create some
resentment. But far more resentment is created when it is not followed.
An illustration will help make this important point.

George is invited to watch football with his friend Sam. He tells
his wife, Sue, that he plans to accept the invitation. Sue objects.

If George goes ahead and watches the game, he�s guilty of independent
behavior. He is not following the POJA, and Sue will be resentful.
When George does something against the wishes of Sue, I call
her resentment type A.

If George follows the POJA and doesn�t accept Sam�s invitation,
George will be resentful. When George is prevented from doing something
because of Sue�s objections, I call his resentment type B.

Which type of resentment makes the largest Love Bank withdrawals:
type A or type B? The answer is type A, and that�s why the POJA
helps build Love Bank balances. I�ll explain.

When George violates the POJA, Sue has no choice but to feel
the effect of the thoughtless decision (Love Bank withdrawals) for
as long as memory persists�possibly for life whenever the event is
recalled. But when George follows the POJA, the negative effect is
limited in time. It lasts only as long as it takes to discover an enjoyable
alternative that is acceptable to Sue.

George lets Sue know how disappointed he is with her objection
but is willing to discuss other options. Sue wasn�t invited to watch
football and doesn�t want to invite herself to Sam�s house, so she
suggests inviting Sam and his wife to their house to watch football.
George calls Sam, he and his wife accept, and the new activity puts
an end to George�s type B resentment.

Type A resentment can last forever, but type B resentment stops
the moment a mutually enjoyable alternative is discovered. Those
with poor negotiating skills may have trouble seeing the difference
because they have not learned how to resolve conflicts. They may
feel resentment about a host of issues that have been unresolved in
their marriage. But after you teach a couple to negotiate successfully,
unresolved issues are minimized. Then it becomes clear to
them that the POJA helps build Love Bank balances by eliminating
type A resentment.

And a thank you to Tiredwife for finding this article

Following the Policy of Joint Agreement When You're VERY Incompatible

Here's a radio clip of Dr. Harley talking about this.

Radio clip on the Two Types of Resentment

thank you!!!

Thanks Mel and Tired.

A Good clip on resentment.
Radio Clip on Resentment

Thanks...obviously need to listen to this. Will be later tonight.

It's weird that i stumbled upon this stitch today because my H and I had a very similar discussion last night. Instead of asking me if it was okay for him to join his friends Volleyball team, he told me that he was going to join in a couple of weeks.

This made me immediately feel hurt and I felt the resentment already building up.

Thanks to this site instead of me shutting down and letting the resentment build I told him how this made me feel and we did end up coming to an agreement that worked for both of us and even involved both of us.

I would have NEVER done that in the past!!

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Thank you so much for posting these links. This is so helpful to me at this time.

Bump

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The stages of resentment. After talking about Robert and Susan in the last segments, they look in more detail at the topic of resentment.

Radio Clip of Prior Segment
Radio Clip