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This is all so new to me. When I discovered his first affair 2 1/2 years ago I left it to him to break it off and I was sure he did. I did not get involved as it was someone he works with and his position is appointed by the mayor--I did not want to risk his job or elicit any type of retribution by that woman. She was not married. For the past 4 months since I discovered he was interested in another woman (I have no clue as to the extent of their involvement) I had been following Mort Fertel and Lee Baucom's "save the marriage" plans. So, no, I have not done any of the above.
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I had been following Mort Fertel and Lee Baucom's "save the marriage" plans. So, no, I have not done any of the above. Mort Fertel and Lee Baucom do not have the same expertise and track record at saving marriages that Dr. Harley has. Dr. Harley knows his stuff and he saves marriages. Read Surviving an Affair and apply the instruction it in. Drop those other guys because they won't help you save your marriage. Let me go hunt down information for you about Mort Fertel.
W (me) - 40
H - 44
M 15 years, 2 kids
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W (me) - 40
H - 44
M 15 years, 2 kids
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This is all so new to me. When I discovered his first affair 2 1/2 years ago I left it to him to break it off and I was sure he did. I did not get involved as it was someone he works with and his position is appointed by the mayor--I did not want to risk his job or elicit any type of retribution by that woman. She was not married. For the past 4 months since I discovered he was interested in another woman (I have no clue as to the extent of their involvement) I had been following Mort Fertel and Lee Baucom's "save the marriage" plans. So, no, I have not done any of the above. That is a huge reason why you have never recovered your marriage. Mort Fertel has absolutely no idea how to save a marriage after an affair. The advice he gives is sure to invite more affairs. As you have learned the hard way. We can help you save your marriage if you will follow these steps.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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A lot of marriage counselors tell you to just "forgive" your spouse and let it go. I really appreciated reading about Just Compensation from Dr. Harley - that affairs are so painful that a spouse who has had an affair must compensate their spouse.
In addition to EP's, you will need to be honest to your H about your affair. When do you plan on telling your H about your affair? And, when are you going to tell the Other Woman's H about your H's affair?
W (me) - 40
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M 15 years, 2 kids
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I guess i was drawn to those 2 because they say they can help even if your spouse is not working with you. My H has made it clear to me that he is not "in love" with me, does not believe that anyone married a long time is happy and does not believe that you can rebuild love. When i have asked him to work on our marriage he has not been interested...although now I see that the last time we had that discussion he was sill hoping to continue a relationship with someone else.
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I guess i was drawn to those 2 because they say they can help even if your spouse is not working with you. My H has made it clear to me that he is not "in love" with me, does not believe that anyone married a long time is happy and does not believe that you can rebuild love. When i have asked him to work on our marriage he has not been interested...although now I see that the last time we had that discussion he was sill hoping to continue a relationship with someone else. Unfortunately, their tactics won't work because they do nothing about the existing affair. It is the affair that is causing the breach and unless that is addressed and killed, nothing else will work. Anyway, you are here now and hopefully we can help you save your marriage. Have you had that honest discussion with your husband yet?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No...things are good between us right now. I don't want to rock the boat.
And I want to have a little more knowledge of Dr. Harley's ideas before I do anything rash.
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No...things are good between us right now. I don't want to rock the boat.
And I want to have a little more knowledge of Dr. Harley's ideas before I do anything rash. No, things are not "good between you." That is a lie and an illusion. You can't lie your way to a great marriage. I agree you should not do anything rash. What you should do IMMEDIATELY is tell your husband the full truth. We are not moving forward here until you take that step. The lying has to stop. Your affair has to stop. That is the first step. We don't go to the next steps until the first step is completed. Let us know when you have completed this step so we can go to the next steps.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well then, you are also a dishonest foggy wayward who is no better than your husband and your marriage won't recover.
What Mel is saying is exactly what you will hear Dr. Harley say.
You must tell your husband about your affair.
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As far as I am concerned, you are a garden variety adulterer who is just protecting her sleazy affair. Nothing will change until that stops.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No...things are good between us right now. I don't want to rock the boat.
And I want to have a little more knowledge of Dr. Harley's ideas before I do anything rash. Rocking a sinking boat will not endanger anything. And there is nothing rash in being honest. Excuses. Have you confessed yet?
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you are a garden variety adulterer who is just protecting her sleazy affair. . Omg....this is true...I have never seen it this way before. Thank you. I just told the OM that I cannot talk to him anymore. It will take some courage to tell my H. I am afraid to do it.
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Rocking a sinking boat will not endanger anything So true...it is sinking. I am kidding myself to believe otherwise.
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Rocking a sinking boat will not endanger anything So true...it is sinking. I am kidding myself to believe otherwise. When people say sinking they forget that they still have the gunwales above the water. However all the bilge pumps will not work if you do not use them. You can not find a bilge pump better then a "Harley". Though useless if not used.
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Rocking a sinking boat will not endanger anything So true...it is sinking. I am kidding myself to believe otherwise. Have you confessed yet?
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ljmom24,
This really struck me.
I contacted an old high school boyfriend who had been really in love with me. We had been in touch off and on over the years, but this time it took hold.
I wonder if you always on some level had the OM in your backup plan and never been fully invested yourself emotionally in the marriage.
Did your BH ever object to your continued contact with the OM or was it kept a secret. Secrets are never good for a marriage and allow affairs to happen.
God Bless
Gamma
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I'm glad you were honest with your H about your affair. What did he say?
W (me) - 40
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M 15 years, 2 kids
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Not much..asked a lot of questions...he seemed surprised but not angry..I think because of his past affair. We talked a little about Dr Harleys ideas but he doesn't believe it will work...
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