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Originally Posted by JustUss
(From SAA, page 58)

OM,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my H and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that H did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay H for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a gread deal for miy family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely,

Ypu really need to get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley.
At this point, you should write a No Contact letter to your affair partner and shown it to your husband. The letter should be mailed certified mail, return receipt.

When your husband asks about the letter, explain that you are following the plan of a clinical psychologist and national marriage expert.

This is what the letter should look like:




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I have already ended all contact with him. He lives far away so I did tell him those things and then completely removed him from my contacts and blocked him from the chat we used.

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The No Contact letter should be written and shown to your husband.

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Originally Posted by ljmom24
I have already ended all contact with him. He lives far away so I did tell him those things and then completely removed him from my contacts and blocked him from the chat we used.
Have you changed all your contact information? Sent the NC letter?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by ljmom24
I have already ended all contact with him. He lives far away so I did tell him those things and then completely removed him from my contacts and blocked him from the chat we used.

Honestly, you should not even have this chat account anymore. Disable the account or allow your H to change the passwords so you don't have access. You need to remove all these types of temptations from yourself, you've already proven you lack proper boundaries. Anything less would leave you at extreme risk to continue the A or restart a new one.

Remember A's don't happen because of bad people, they happen because people have poor boundaries. Chat/social media is an invitation to have an affair and they must be removed from your life.

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Does he even want to save the marriage?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Since it was a long distance relationship, anything on the computer--chat, skype, etc.--should be permanently removed as they will be a trigger for your and your husband.

Get into Plan A and give it your best efforts. Here you go:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

and from Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

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Originally Posted by Prisca
Does he even want to save the marriage?

This is a good question. He tells me he cares for me more than anyone else in the world but he's not in love with me anymore. He's very cynical about love..doesn't believe in long-term marital happiness. Doesn't want to work on the marriage because it seems "fake"

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Did you write the NC letter and shown it to your husband?

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No...he is not asking for anything like that...do I still need to do it? I told him it was over and he believed me.

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Originally Posted by ljmom24
No...he is not asking for anything like that...do I still need to do it? I told him it was over and he believed me.
It will show him how serious you are.


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you read this?
What is Just Compensation?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Dr Harley
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent
here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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When do we start adressing his inappropriate relationships with other women?

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Have you written the No Contact letter and shown it to him?

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



#2797291 04/16/14 07:44 PM
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My H and I have been struggling in our marriage for at least the last 5 years. I found MB a few months back and have been trying to get him to do the online program with me. The problem is, he just doesn't buy it. He doesn't believe the feeling of love can be created--he thinks it will be contrived. And he thinks even if the feelings do come back, they will not last. His main reason for being resistant is that he feels like he has hurt and disappointed me so much that if this doesn't work it will just be one more way that he has disappointed me. He is also concerned that he will resent being forced to do it.

He has been talking about separation recently--I told him that I see separation as negative and destructive and I am fairly sure it will lead to divorce. I also said I see MB as positive and constructive.

I am at whits end as to how to further encourage him to try MB--I can't see that things could be any worse in a year or two and I believe they will be better.

Has anyone been in my shoes with a reluctant spouse? Any advice to offer?

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Please stick with your original thread and alias here so that posters are not confused. Our TOS stipulate that you may not create new aliases. Thank you


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Originally Posted by Habibti
My H and I have been struggling in our marriage for at least the last 5 years. I found MB a few months back and have been trying to get him to do the online program with me. The problem is, he just doesn't buy it. He doesn't believe the feeling of love can be created--he thinks it will be contrived. And he thinks even if the feelings do come back, they will not last. His main reason for being resistant is that he feels like he has hurt and disappointed me so much that if this doesn't work it will just be one more way that he has disappointed me. He is also concerned that he will resent being forced to do it.

He has been talking about separation recently--I told him that I see separation as negative and destructive and I am fairly sure it will lead to divorce. I also said I see MB as positive and constructive.

I am at whits end as to how to further encourage him to try MB--I can't see that things could be any worse in a year or two and I believe they will be better.

Has anyone been in my shoes with a reluctant spouse? Any advice to offer?
What EPs have you both put in place?

Have you confirmed that he isn't having an affair?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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