It probably was the OM texting you so I would plan to speak to her and just let her know that she should feel free to contact you with any new information about the affair.

I think it is a good idea that your wife and scumbag know that you will do everything to make sure people know about their affair. BE loud and proud about that without giving away your resources.

I wish I could be more optimistic, but most marriages don't come back from an affair that has gone on this long. Dr Harley recommends throwing in the towel if it does not end within 2 years. This has gone on for 2 years.

If I were in your shoes, I would go into Plan B and file for divorce for a couple of reasons. The first and most important is that I can see that you are suffering emotionally. You will suffer more when you continue your efforts in a hopeless situation. You will be spinning your wheels and it will just beat you down more.

The second reason is that you may be inadvertently propping up the affair by hanging around. The OM is a ratfink who will never take care of her. Without you around to take care of her, that will be more obvious to her. When you shut the door, the pressure will rise on the OM to step into the gap and take your place. He will never do that because he does not care about your wife. She is just some cheap side nookie to him.

You can't lose with this plan, because with the plan B letter you will give her a path back to your marriage by meeting your conditions [quit the job, end all contact for life, etc]. If she does meet those conditions, you will have a recovered marriage. If not, you will be divorced, which will be the definition of success if she doesn't change. This plan is win/win for you.

What do you think?

Have you read the book, Surviving an Affair? That explains the thinking behind Plan B.

Yes, it finally arrived in the mail last night and I have read it.

As far as time frame, the seggestions in it are 6 months of Plan A from Exposure and 2 years of Plan B, as after 2 years of separation it is unlikely the marriage will survive, are those the time frames you are referring to or is there another place where 2 years of an affair is mentioned?

Obviously we are already separated, but because of the rapid move from "discovery" to separated to exposure it feels as though there are negative feelings left (or at least she feels I've been mean to her), the disolution of which seems to be the premise of plan A.

Should I be leaving her with a more pleasant image of our relationship (the last 2 years have had some highs inspite of the lows, but the lows have been consistant because of OM) now that I am no longer trapped under a pile of lies?

Plan B is more than a separation. It is a plan that you initiate by sending her a Plan B letter and going completely dark. [letter pages 77-78 in SAA] Once you send the letter, you go completely dark and any pertinent information would be passed through a designated intermediary.

You have essentially been in a "PLan A" [trying to win your wife back] for 2 years now and the affair has not ended. Therefore, it is unlikely your marriage will recover. While Plan B is not intended to win your wife back, it does sometimes have that effect when the affair partner is expected to meet all of the WS's needs. That is what happened in the case of Sue and Jon in SAA.

I would prepare to go into Plan B in a week or 10 days. In that time, you should use every opportunity to leave a good taste in her mouth.

Here is a great primer about Plan B: How to Plan B

Well, GF is definitely in the process of leaving him, although he's apparently spent the last few days with GF talking. Wife thinks he's trying to take the heat. GF apparently tried contacting wife.

Employers apparently decided to look into affair, although a staff member in the know seems to believe there are no grounds for dismissal. Regardless wife is worried about losing job.

Wife is very stressed and seems depressed, I have some concerns about her health at this point.

That is a very typical reaction of someone who is deeply entrenched in an affair. Hopefully, she will finally decide to leave the job and end her affair if you go into Plan B. It sounds like your exposure is having a good effect, which is a good thing.

For how long have you been legally married? Is this the first marriage for both of you?

Did you live together before getting married?

You mentioned that her family knows about the affair. Do her parents know? What was their reaction when you asked for their help in ending the affair? What was your parents' reaction?

You haven't mentioned children - do you have any?

This is all very cagey. Who in her family knows what? You mention her sister quite a lot but never her parents. Do her parents know that she has abandoned you and your marriage to be with another man? What have they said to her about this?

She has two sisters, a mother, and two aunts. Her mother left her father for another man, she also suffers from some health issues, so she hasn't been quick to fight a battle with her. The family has made their dislike for OM and the situation known.

I lost my parents years ago (my father long before I met wife and mother a few years after I met wife), so they don't say much either way

Married 7 years, together 14. Lived together for 3 years prior to marriage. 1st marriage. 4 dogs, no kids.

Did you post him on Cheaterville?