Hello all,
Am very new to this forum but have spent most of the last couple of days reading posts. I am hoping someone can give me some insight into my situation as there isn't anyone I can confide in fully in real life and there are days when I feel like I am going crazy.
My husband and I are both 33 years old and will have been married for 5 years in May and have been together for nearly 8 years. We have 2 children ages 1 and 4 and am expecting a third.

We have been having a few issues mainly around communication and withdrawing from each other. Before we got married and had children, we worked together in his business. After I had my son, I stopped working and stayed home to care for him full-time. The business seemed to consume all his time and I felt very neglected at home which I handled by just trying to get on with it and not putting any additional pressure on him, but if I.m honest I felt some resentment that he wasn't interested in family life, turns out he felt I didn't support him enough in the business.

Last year he would need to go out of the time we lived in for work, it's only about an hour away but he got into the habit of driving down the night before and staying at his mums. Eventually I started to get the feeling that he no longer stayed at his mums, and it just so happened that I came across a hotel membership card, which I knew he had as we used to use it for ourselves but we hadn't stayed in a hotel for a long time so I went online and entered in the membership number guessed his password and there was a whole list of nights booked at a particular hotel and it wasn't our usual one.
I kept this to myself and every time he would tell me he needed to go out of town and stay overnight I would log into the account and there would be a hotel booked already. Sometimes he wouldn't say he was staying the night he would go for meetings and then call me to say he was too tired to drive back - and of course I would check and see he had already booked an hotel.

One night I was in bed and heard him on the phone downstairs, his voice sounded different, not like how he would talk to his friends usually but more like how he would talk to me. I went downstairs and asked who he talking to and he said a friend and offered to call his friend back if I wanted to check. I of course said don't worry as I know that any of his friends would probably cover for him.

I began to get more and more suspicious, I checked his phone bills as he never even bothers to open them, and saw a couple of reoccurring numbers, especially late at night. I called the number and put the phone down when I heard a girls voice. I asked him about the numbers and told him that I saw his bill, he had and excuse for why he was talking to this girl. I then happened to see some pictures on his iPad of this girl, his excuse was that his friend (who is single) always sends him pictures of his dates. This was a lie as I had done some digging around on this girl and traced her to Facebook using her phone number so I knew what she looked like.
Since then he would intercept his phone bills and he put a password on his iPad so I no longer has access.

This behaviour continued and he began to say less and less to me, he would avoid eye contact, never touched or hugged me unless I did it first and seemed like I annoyed him most of the time. There were some times when we were ok but in general things deteriorated and I became very down. I became obbssessed with finding out more info.
Eventually I managed to crack the password on his iPad and saw he had an app for a dating website, he had his picture on there and there were some messages from some girls. I asked him about having a profile and he denied it - even though I had seen it with my own 2 eyes!

I also found where he hid his phone bills and found he has been talking another girl. We had a blow up during christams were he accused me of not caring about him at all and offering no support as his business was going into liquidation. ( he had another business).

We decided to go to counselling, and if I'm honest I felt as if he only suggested counselling as a last ditch attempt to say 'we tried' as opposed to actually trying. His behaviour hasn't changed.

I look through his coat pockets and wallet and always find receipts for things like restaurants and cinema - I don't know who he is going with, and sometimes it is with a group of people, and it makes me angry because apart from the lying, spending money we could do with on others and staying at hotels is just irresponsible


He is very smart as he often doesn't 'lie' about what he is doing he just doesn't say anything and leaves me to assume.

I couldn't take anymore as he never wants to discuss anything properly and is always talking about how I didnt support him with his business - how he works so hard and i dont appreciate it. Lots of times I have actually apologised to him for how he felt, even though I felt totally alone in the marriage with him not helping at all with the kids or spending time with me- but I wanted him to know I did see his hard work and appreciated it but the more he goes on about it the more I feel he might just be saying that to manipulate me and make me feel guilty.

We stopped counselling and I have been trying to initiate us talking more and growing closer but he seems so resistant. He still stays out of town for work, still talks to this girl late at night and I.m still finding receipts for restaurants etc. I just feel he doesn't want to work on the marriage.
So I told him it was best to separate if he wasn't willing to work on the marriage and build new habits, but he thinks I.m just irrational and emotional because of the pregnancy, but I feel he is not taking me seriously.

I know there are a lot of red flags but I wish I had something more concrete that screams affair!!! Or does it scream affair and I'm just in denial? I guess i'm looking for some outside input to tell me I am not going crazy and his behaviour is unacceptable.
Sorry this was so long. Hope it makes sense?

Welcome to MB and sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

Sorry to tell you, but not only is having an affair but he's having multiple affairs.

Can you afford a PI to get all these OW's names?

Since you know the one OW's name. Is she married?

Also, please read this.
SAA-Start Here First

Hi, Welcome to MB. I am so sorry for your pain. I'm glad that you have found us.

Yes, your husband is having affairs. We can explain more and answer any questions to help you to come up with a plan. But first, take some time and read the link that BrainHurts provided for you, and then we can help you with what to do to get solid evidence of the affair(s).

Another useful link may be this one: What is Gaslighting It may help you to understand why you are feeling as if you are going crazy (you're not).

Thank you for responding. My heart dropped when you said multiple affairs. Incidntly he was 'working' Sunday and so stayed over out of town Saturday night and hasn't come home tonight either.......
Will read the links you posted


I forgot to also add in my original post that a few weeks ago I found a slip from a a hospital. I googled the number and it came up with sexual health clinic. He was out of the house when I asked him about it -his excuse was that he went to get out for prostate problems???? Which is possible I suppose but why didn't he tell me if he was worried about his prostate ? Plus it was a random hospital out if the area, why wouldn't he go to the local hospital? So many lies......

Will have a look at links, thanks again

I feel even more depressed after reading about plan A , how can I be nice and try to entice him back etc i don't even want to look at him or say two words to him. How can he go out and do things behind my back and then wander back in the house expecting to be loved and looked after. It makes me feel so ill and angry.
This has been the problem, since I started suspecting him I have probably acted all over the place, but its so hard to carry on as normal pretend all is ok. Especially when they act like they don't care about you at all......

This woman is not an issue anymore I don't think as her number is no longer on his phone bill. I think she is now engaged.
The number that comes up is different now and it sounds like a different girl.
On very low days I am tempted to call the number and say I'm the wife, how do you know my husband?

How far along are you in your pregnancy? Have you been tested for STDs since the last time that you had sex with your husband?

What you are going through is not healthy for any woman to experience, let alone someone carrying a baby. Because of this, Dr. Harley recommends that a woman not stay in plan A longer than three weeks. So you are going to need to work FAST to learn as much as possible about this program, and prepare to switch to PLAN B if your husband will not stop his secret second life.

At this point, you should prepare for Plan B.
Have you read about Plan B?
Do you have the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley?

Thanks for responding. I am 6 months along. This is part of the reason I think he also won't confess or discuss things , he's worried about my reaction and how it would affect the baby. He doesn't realise that this limbo I'm in is affecting me much worse.
Last time we had sex he insisted on using a condom which he has never ever suggsted while I've been pregnant with our other 2 children. So that made me upset and suspicious as it wasnt long after I found the slip from the sexual health clinic.
I've tried not to think about it but I suppose I should speak to my midwife

I Am looking into Plan B as I think I have done plan A at various points within the last few months although not properly as I only just came across this site. But do I continue to gather evidence? The plan was to get a voice recorder this afternoon for his home office and possibly order a key logger device.

You should try to get as much evidence as possible and then expose the affairs.
At this point, the phone bills alone are evidence enough.
I think you should expose based on that and enter Plan B.

When you expose, it should be strategically done: "nuclear exposure."

Other posters will provide links and instructions for exposure and initiating Plan B.

Also, this is what I think Dr. Harley would recommend to you but wait until others post before deciding.

It depends upon how strong you feel. If you feel strong enough to get the voice recorder and yes a key logger, and if you can swing it, a GPS for his vehicle, then yes, do so.

The most important thing right now is your health and your baby's health. You may consider hiring a PI instead. They can usually get the goods within a few days, and then once you have the evidence, you can expose and do a fast Plan A, and then BAM go into a dark Plan B if need be.

The reason that we say prepare for Plan B is that your emails are FULL of red flags. We do not take it lightly and we sure do not want to shovel a bunch of work onto you as you are reeling from all of this, but you truly do NOT have much time. You need to act on this immediately so as to protect your health.

Spend as much time as you can reading this site today to learn the program.

Get the goods either with snooping yourself or hiring a PI.

Call your midwife today to let her know that you may have been exposed to STDs.

Thank you all, I will be reading more of the site today. I have got the voice recorder so will try to set up tonight. Not sure phone bills are enough evidence as too easy to lie out of. It sure would be easier to hire a PI - will look into that too but they cost a lot of money don't they? Will contact a couple.

Thanks again, it's nice not to feel so alone as I have been feeling over the last year and it feels good to at least have some sort of plan

Good job getting that voice recorder. Is it voice activated? How about a key logger? A GPS?

I did surveillance myself, so I don't know how much a PI would cost.

The important thing is that you not drag this out in any way. Get all of your tools set up straight away, and then let them do their work WHILE you switch into self care mode. Read and learn here, but also remember to eat often, drink water, get up and walk around at least every hour.

Yes the recorder is voice activated. Bit disappointed as couldn't get it in a great spot as was still trying to figure it out when he came home from work.
I think I might leave the key logger as he is very computer savvy and am scared he will find it. The actual software won't work as dont have password for his computer. It would be ideal to get something on his phone but there's no way I could get near it.
Am requesting info on some PI's to see if I could afford one.
Trying to look after myself but this just dominates my every thought - along with looking after my other little ones.

So I managed to look through his wallets and have found some receipts for restaurants and there are some where it shows a group of 4 people dined and there were 2 kids meals ordered?? Also I found another receipt for bowling and it was for a 'family of four'. It's all so odd, would a man really cheat on his wife with a woman who has kids of her own - and she lets them hang out with her lover? Isn't that strange? I suppose she may not know he is married.

Then I thought a crazy thought that maybe they were his kids??? A long time ago he asked me a hypothetical about what I would do if he another child with someone else - but it was more a banter/joke type of conversation but now I'm beginning to wonder.

He said that April would be a tight month financially , well after looking at all these receipts for meals and outings I can see why. It makes me angry that we are tightening our purse strings and he's off splashing his cash on whoever these people are!

Sorry for ranting, just wanted to get it out

Do you have access to any of his credit card statements?

I wouldn't focus too much on "why" right now. We cannot guess the mindset of a wayward (and it drags us down to think about it). The point is that you DO have evidence that he IS having a secret second life. Keep your findings to yourself for now and compile the evidence.

You really need to get a key logger onto his computer and get a GPS on his vehicle. I am concerned about you if this drags on too long. Either that or hire a PI. Do you have a credit card that you could use? They may be able to get a key logger onto his password protected computer. It is possible that he/she could get the evidence within the next few days, so that you can then KNOW what is really going on in your own life.

Okay, so now you know for sure. I want to compose a reply for you, but I am in the middle of a rush for work right now (for the next 30-40 minutes).

Can you please wait to confront him for a little bit? Or if someone else replies to help you out with things, that is good also.

The point is that you need to think with your logic rather than your emotion. Since this has just been discovered, it is best for you to calm down for a little bit before taking action. Can you do that?