Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
Do you know the woman's name and phone number?


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
S
SP12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
Thanks for replying I appreciate it. I will wait. I need to calm down and I can't think straight plus am alternating between breaking down in tears and trying to hide it from the kids


Me & WH both 33 years old
Married nearly 5 years
2 kids-1 and 4 years old - one on the way
D day 15/04/2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
S
SP12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by BlindSighted2013
Do you know the woman's name and phone number?
Originally Posted by BlindSighted2013
Do you know the woman's name and phone number?
Originally Posted by BlindSighted2013
Do you know the woman's name and phone number?


I know her phone number from the bills but no name.


Me & WH both 33 years old
Married nearly 5 years
2 kids-1 and 4 years old - one on the way
D day 15/04/2014
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 296
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 296
do a reverse phone lookup online and you can get her name. That way you can gather exposure list on her for your exposure.

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
S
SP12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by txstunnedman
do a reverse phone lookup online and you can get her name. That way you can gather exposure list on her for your exposure.


I wish I could but the general public are not allowed to do that in this country


Me & WH both 33 years old
Married nearly 5 years
2 kids-1 and 4 years old - one on the way
D day 15/04/2014
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
SP12, what country are you in?

If you TRULY want your husband out, that is your right. No one could blame you, especially as this is most probably only the tip of the iceberg of his SSL (secret second life).

If however, you are open to trying to save your M, then kicking your H out immediately may not be your best option. We can help you whether you choose to stay or go.

Dr. Harley has stated that in order to save the M, we are better to be under the same roof. There IS a chance that once confronted and exposed, your H may agree to end all contact forever with his affair partners. He would need to hand-write a no contact for life letter to any and all of his affair partners, and then you would personally mail the letter(s).

So the first thing that I would do is get the name of that woman and then look her info up on the internet, Facebook, etc. so that you can find out if she is married, who her parents and siblings are, who her good friends on Facebook seem to be, if she WORKS with your husband, etc.

If you are in the US, you can begin with a service for looking up the owner of the phone number that you have. I use freephonetracer. It is $19.95 per month but there is a free trial I believe. That service does also look up most cell phone numbers (not the throw away phones though). I'm sure that others are just as good. It will show you the cell owner's name and address. Then you can google the name and city to see what else you can come up with. It is like pieces of a puzzle. Search on Facebook for the name, and if that comes up with nothing, then try inputting the phone number and/or the email address.

Go back and read the exposure thread again HERE

Do you have a tablet that you could download Dr. Harley's Surviving an Affair onto? It is available on Amazon.

A side point about saving/not saving your M, when I was faced with similar, I decided to just stay for one more day. 24 hours. You don't have to decide the rest of your life right now.

If upon exposure, your husband refuses to end all contact, write the NC letter(s), and then set up extraordinary precautions with you, then you must go Plan B. Of course you can also choose to expose and then go STRAIGHT to Plan B. Whichever path you take though, you must prepare right now for Plan B. So re-read info on that HERE


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
Also SP12, can you save those restaurant receipts, and the evidence that you heard on the VAR? How about the health clinic receipt?

I apologize if that is a given, but I wasn't thinking too straight when I was in your shoes, so just wanted to send a reminder. hug


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
S
SP12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
I am in the uk, i have looked into it believe me and don't think it can be done here for mobile phone numbers. I don't know how else I could get her name unless he tells me.

My first choice would be to save the marriage but right now it hurts too much to think about staying - maybe i just need to get away for a few days i dont know.

Will look at getting the book and read up on plan b again.

Thanks again


Me & WH both 33 years old
Married nearly 5 years
2 kids-1 and 4 years old - one on the way
D day 15/04/2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
S
SP12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by BlindSighted2013
Also SP12, can you save those restaurant receipts, and the evidence that you heard on the VAR? How about the health clinic receipt?

I apologize if that is a given, but I wasn't thinking too straight when I was in your shoes, so just wanted to send a reminder. hug


Yep I have them saved


Me & WH both 33 years old
Married nearly 5 years
2 kids-1 and 4 years old - one on the way
D day 15/04/2014
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
Gottcha. Okay, we have some members here that are from the UK. Let's wait to see what they say.


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788
Likes: 2
Originally Posted by SP12
I am in the uk, i have looked into it believe me and don't think it can be done here for mobile phone numbers. I don't know how else I could get her name unless he tells me.


I got the goods on the fat slag just by Googling the number. If that does not work, get a friend to call her mobile. Obviously you should only do this from a number that she will not recognise. Ask if she is Jane Smith. She might just give her name. If she does not, apologise and hang up. Then immediately call again. With any luck she will send that second call to voice mail and you can get her name that way.

By the way, once I had her name, I was able to search a backup of his phone and got everything on her.


3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
S
SP12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
Just wanted to thank you all that commented and offered advice. I have managed to get a confession. He still lied at first but eventually broke down and told me everything - well I'm not naive enough to think I was told 100% everything. I now know he is seeing someone and has slept with her. He kept apologising and asked for forgiveness.

I still need some time away from him which I guess is Plan B. it has been a tough day and I feel emotionally drained.

I welcome any comments and advice to get through the next few days, just got to get through tonight first


Me & WH both 33 years old
Married nearly 5 years
2 kids-1 and 4 years old - one on the way
D day 15/04/2014
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
S
SP12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by living_well
Originally Posted by SP12
I am in the uk, i have looked into it believe me and don't think it can be done here for mobile phone numbers. I don't know how else I could get her name unless he tells me.


I got the goods on the fat slag just by Googling the number. If that does not work, get a friend to call her mobile. Obviously you should only do this from a number that she will not recognise. Ask if she is Jane Smith. She might just give her name. If she does not, apologise and hang up. Then immediately call again. With any luck she will send that second call to voice mail and you can get her name that way.

By the way, once I had her name, I was able to search a backup of his phone and got everything on her.



He told me her name reluctantly but for some reason I don't believe he's telling me her real name - but that may be because I'm having trouble believing everything he is telling me obviously. But we'll see.
I've called her a few times and it has gone to voicemail once before but her voicemail isn't personalised so no name


Me & WH both 33 years old
Married nearly 5 years
2 kids-1 and 4 years old - one on the way
D day 15/04/2014
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by SP12
He still stays out of town for work, still talks to this girl late at night and I.m still finding receipts for restaurants etc. I just feel he doesn't want to work on the marriage.
SP, I've only just skimmed through this thread but this jumped out at me - this and the post where he told you her name. The thing is, from what I read in your first post, there seems to have been more than one OW. There was the one with her picture on his iPad, the dating websites and then another woman with a different phone number.

If you are to even contemplate recovering with your H, he needs to stop going out of town immediately. Every time he goes away he is staying with some woman, and no matter what he promises you, he will continue to stay with her on every trip. Jobs that require nights away for business are disastrous for marriages. My H had such a job that required travel to Brussels and occasionally other European cities, and this provided the perfect circumstances for a very deep affair. I only managed to stop the sexual contact occurring by declaring that if he ever travelled again I and the kids would not be home when he got back, and I only managed to stop the 5 years of phone calls that continued after that by agreeing that my H should retire from work.

Your H has quite a secret second life that has been going on without any interference from you for some time, and I don't think you know the full extent of what you are dealing with. He has told you a name, but you still do not know what this OW's connection is - e.g. does she live in the city that he travels to? Is is connected to his employment? Would stopping his travel stop their contact, or does she actually live near your city and travel with him? Does he in fact not travel far at all sometimes, but book into hotels quite near to home? If she is anywhere near your area, then stopping his travel will not stop him from seeing her, and if she travels too (as did OW in my situation), then you will never know when she travels to your city to meet him.

And what about these other women - will he identify them to you? Will you be able to see that he cuts off contact with them? If he is enrolled on dating websites and you put parental controls on his PC and phone so he could not access these, would he just access them from work?

You've got the confession of one affair, and so it might seem that you can work on ending alI contact with that woman, but my worry is that it isn't as simple as that. I think that your H will conceal the details of his involvement with the one woman that you do know about, and not tell you about other hidden women.

I think you should ask for more information about the woman he has confessed about (along the lines of my questions), and also tell him that you know about the dating profiles and the other OW and ask for full details. See how much he is prepared to tell you, and come back to us with that information.

I have a horrible feeling that he won't tell you much more and that we end up recommending that you tell him to leave until he changes job and agrees to your conditions for recovery - but we'll see. Don't tell him to leave now, not even to give you space. You need to try and spy on him a bit more, and you need to talk to him to test his openness and degree of desperation to recover.

Try and get spyware on all his devices, including the home PC, and google this woman's name. There will be tons of information on the Internet about her, and it is simply a case of finding her. Try googling her name and the company that he works for, to see if she works for it too, and also her name plus the city where their sex tryst hotel is located.



BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
SP,

You have some excellent advice so far. I know this has to be extremely stressful and depressing for you right now but you don't have a make any decisions at this time. OK, he knows you know now, so he's going to be trying to do damage control. Let him try to do the work right now to explain what he has been doing and with whom. Listen, asking appropriate questions when you feel the need. You may eventually need to ask him to take a polygraph to insure to have the entire truth.

Your most important mission is to take care of yourself and those little ones. Did you call your midwife and set up an apt for the std check?



Dday- Feb 1998
Recovered!!
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Along with all the good advice, can you have him take a polygraph?



FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
S
SP12 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 40
Thank you all again for taking the time to respond. There was so much information my brain couldn't quite process it all yesterday it was just too much.
Before the confession he was actually going to go out of town and stay over for work this morning. After our long talk he obviously didn't go. After a difficult start to the conversation I felt he did break down his defensive Walls and said he was tired of lying and the reason he never liked to touch me was because he felt ashamed etc

Again I'm not naive enough to believe he told me everything - and there is a lot more to ask but couldn't handle it yesterday. I now wonder if I've missed the opportunity.

I still feel I need space from him which may or may not be the right thing but I do. Maybe it's just because of the pregnancy but even the snooping is so tiring.
I will try and contact some Pi's today - and a key logger for the computer, it would be a few days before he takes this away so will have to work quick.

My feeling js that there were/are probably other women but I don't think he slept with them

The problem is he has a work contract coming up Friday and Saturday that will require an overnight stay.

Right now will try to process things and work on getting more info, I have her name, he told me the area she is in which may be a lie, but they always ate at restaurants in another area so will check out both.

Not sure about the polygraph if he would agree but it is a suggestion I will if things still do not seem clear, I'm thinking counselling first?

Lastly I need to try and regroup today and take it a little easy today as had a few episodes of not being able to breath last night where WH had to calm me down and get me to breath properly, which I suppose is some kind of panic attack, and I have to think about baby I'm carrying

Will update you on anything else I find.

Thanks. Again


Me & WH both 33 years old
Married nearly 5 years
2 kids-1 and 4 years old - one on the way
D day 15/04/2014
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Don't go to counselling. use the telephone coaching service here, which is run by Dr Harley's son and daughter. Don't involve your H in the coaching at this stage - let the Harley's advise you individually.

A keylogger takes about 3 minutes to buy and download, so please do this now. you need one for each device. You must not let your H see the purchase on your credit or debit card statement.

In case he leaves, you nee to secure your finances. Do you have a separate bank account?

I would also write to Dr Harley today, and tell him about the pregnancy (and the affairs, of course). He needs to advise you whether living with your H is too dangerous for your health.

I won't be on the forum today, but I'm sure others will help you with your email to Dr H, the coaching service, the keylogger and everything else. Best of luck.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
SP12, if you want to save your marriage, space from him can include your husband watching the little ones while you go out, and then him sleeping on the couch while you sleep in the marital bed.

I'm glad that he canceled his overnight last evening, and he must also cancel his overnight on Friday/Saturday. If you choose recovery, you BOTH are going to be learning to protect your marriage carefully from here on out. You both are going to need to commit to no more overnights away from each other for any reason.

You are right in your feeling when you doubt that he told you everything. It would be quite shocking if he did, and most likely he just told you the tip of the iceberg, but you have most certainly not lost your opportunity for the truth.

Traditional marriage counseling is of zero value. My husband went to marriage counseling eagerly with me and proceeded to bold-face lie to the counselor about how this was all his fault and how he had NO idea how much pain an affair could cause to the spouse�all this AS he and his skank had gone underground and continued to be in contact. It would be better for you to contact the Harleys for counseling. You can contact them HERE

Oh yes, when the time comes, then your husband WILL have to agree to a polygraph if you need it. But that is a bit down the road. For now, just jot down his confessions as they come, so that you can refer to them if/when you later choose to insist on a polygraph.

Sugarcane has brought up some good questions in her post. Focus on getting that information, and as the story comes out, we can help you with thinking of more questions.

Yes, take care of yourself and the baby today. Do you have family or friends nearby who could help out a bit? Is there someone who could come and take the little ones on an outing away from the house, even for an hour or two? That way you could have a bit of down time for yourself.


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Page 2 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,121 guests, and 43 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5