I was very reluctant to expose as I was certain this would ruin any chance of a reconciliation as I know his character

I believed him when he said he ended things but his behaviour quickly reverted back to old ways and staying out of town again. Then something told me to set up voice recorder

Long story short, he asked to come home to talk and we are making a start to reconcile.

He admitted he was reluctant to try again as had a lot of unforgiveness and bitterness but after talking to his mum and a couple of friends that know he realised he wants to try.

It's very late here now but we are going to sit down and draw up a plan to rebuild our marriage.

We know it will be a long journey but hoping we make it. Yesterday I had no hope at all!

Thank you to all who cared enough to comment and give advice, I know I did not stumble across this site by accident, it has helped immensely.

I will be honest, getting over the deceit and knowing he was sexually involved with someone else will be hard for me to get over. If anyone could speak from experience or post any links that may help me I would be grateful.

SP12, I am so very sorry for your pain. Please, please follow Susie's advice. Your husband is endangering your health with his affair<s>. Expose his affair today to your family and friends.

Go to him TODAY and give him one last opportunity to make this right. If he won't make it right, you must separate from him immediately. You cannot afford to be around such a dangerous, reckless person in your state. He will cause you to have a nervous breakdown.

Here is what he must do immediately:

1. come completely clean, giving you all the names, contact information, everything about his OW

2. exchange phones with you and cancel his email account, facebook account and any other venue that was used to facilitate his affair

3. agree to never spend the night apart from you again. If he has a traveling job, then he has to find a way to be with you every night until he finds a new job

4. send his OW a no contact letter that can be hand delivered to the mailbox by you

5. Allow you to look at everything on his phone immediately [give him no opportunity to erase and hide things]

If he won't agree to those things, you should ask him to leave immediately and then we will help you go into Plan B. This is what Dr Harley would tell you to do.

Here is the list of EPs from his book Surviving an Affair.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I was very reluctant to expose as I was certain this would ruin any chance of a reconciliation as I know his character but it was the telling to his mum that did
the trick.

It's very late here now but we are going to sit down and draw up a plan to rebuild our marriage.

We know it will be a long journey but hoping we make it. Yesterday I had no hope at all!

Blame towards you mixed with saying he wants to 'try' rather than 'do' is a common tactic. It tends to mean 'How can I appease you while I take my SSL underground'. That doesn't mean your efforts are not working; they are, but you are not home and dry yet.

Exposure has been done to all in our circles. I was just saying the most effective ones were to his mother and closest friend as they seemed to council some sense into him.
We have discussed all things suggested including full divulgence of info, cutting contact, no nights apart - most of these he suggested himself. As I said in last post it was late nearing midnight and we had a long talk and we decided to do all the rest in the morning. I will be using the plan suggested to me - I know the things I need for us to make this work and won't accept anything less.
Hope is not a plan of course but I've gotta have hope in the change of his behaviour and his willingness this time - before There was only reluctance and excuses.
I'm not naive enough to think all is now well but at least we have a starting point, before this it was a non starter.
We'll give our relationship a good go using the plan and do our best

Because you feel you had some sort of breakthrough with this "talk" with your WH, doesn't mean you are out of the woods, not nearly.

I don't believe in "insight therapy" as an effective way to resolve marital conflict -- I believe in "action therapy." Insight is a good beginning, but it's what you do that solves your problem.

. After some reading online I think I might be dealing with a narcissist.

After being so desperate to save this marriage and to do whatever it takes, at this point I could do without him. I need to be away from the lies, deceit, manipulation and general disregard for me.
I asked him to move out and he agreed but kept stalling - telling me he was doing me a favour by sticking around. He has now put a deposit down on a place and should move in the next few days. He has signed a 6 month lease for now.
I have only a few weeks before I have baby, I need some peace, don't know how I made it this far to be honest..

Sorry for disappearing but I needed to get things clear in my mind. I began to realise I was not dealing with a normal person. I was given the silent treatment for a week after our talk, he still stayed away overnight despite anything i said, he suggested in a roundabout way that I tell his mum that his affair was a 'misunderstanding'. I continue to be blamed for things and every conversation with him leaves me feeling confused. After some reading online I think I might be dealing with a narcissist.
He still talks to and probably still sees the Ow and I think there is another one. (I know you're all saying 'told you so'

After being so desperate to save this marriage and to do whatever it takes, at this point I could do without him. I need to be away from the lies, deceit, manipulation and general disregard for me.
I asked him to move out and he agreed but kept stalling - telling me he was doing me a favour by sticking around. He has now put a deposit down on a place and should move in the next few days. He has signed a 6 month lease for now.
I have only a few weeks before I have baby, I need some peace, don't know how I made it this far to be honest.
I can't save a marriage by myself, this man will not follow any plan -only does what he wants to do and what suits him.
Maybe God will perform a miracle on him during these 6 months.