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How does anyone cope? My wife is in an online affair with someone and it is killing me, as it is getting deeper and deeper.

My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We have three boys 15, 18, 19. I love my wife very much and I'm losing her as she is currently in an emotional affair.



A quick overview on our marriage over the past 20 years. As a husband I have not been 100% faithful to her as in the early years of marriage I was flirting online with two workmates (not at the same time) mainly suggestive statements. That didn't go far as she found out about it and confronted me. The flirting stopped but I still had a roving eye but did not engage in any other extra marital activity. 10 years ago we moved to another country and I did get involved with another workmate. This time it went beyond flirting as there was kissing and touching. It was confined to the office and we never had sex. When my wife suspected of the affair, I came clean and confessed. This time we started making plans for me to move out of the house to pursue the affair. However, the following day at work, I realised that I was being extremely stupid and was on the brink of losing my wife and family. I then called the other woman (it was her day off) and told her that we need to break off the relationship. To cut a long story short, I broke off the relationship and immediately looked at options to getting me out of the branch that I was working at. This took a few months to happen and during that time I started slipping back into the affair. However, once I moved to another branch, communication with the other woman was drastically reduced and eventually stopped. It now has been 7 years and I have been faithful to my wife ever since. Unfortunately, I didn't realise that my wife had decided that it was enough and shut her emotions towards me.

Looking back it is quite confusing as the weeks after my break up with the other woman, my wife started being very intimate with me - her sexual drive had always been low, so this was a breath of fresh air for me and I loved it! However, as suddenly it started, it suddenly stopped. During the first 5 years of being faithful to my wife I tried in my inadequate way to express my love for her. But she rarely responded and it got really frustrating. I guess the frustration manifested in me being easily irritated and angry. Sex was semi-frequent but not very fulfilling as there was little emotion or interest on her part. About three years ago my wife had lunch with my youngest son at a restaurant and had to share a table with another man. She struck a conversation with the man and later told me that she was attracted to him as he was a successful businessman who had separated from his wife. You can imagine my distress! I made a mistake in confiding with my mother-in-law who said that I should just let her do what she wants as I cannot stop or control her. I stupidly was influenced by that and began feeling resentful. In a fit of anger I told her to "go look for the man of your dreams."

Being stupid and protecting myself from being hurt, over the last 3 years I have not treated my wife as I should - getting angry easily, putting her down, etc. Needless to say, she recently registered herself on a few dating sites. She has developed an online relationship with another man from the US. We reside in NZ. I believe that it only started in Feb but it has escalated to at least one full-blown, explicit, email cybersex. On the up side, she has not revealed her real name to him (although he has), but she has sent him a partial face shot and a shot of her cleavage to him. I have access to the email that she contacts the OM with. And I know that she is about to send another photo, this time the full face. This is killing me and I really can't take it.

Last edited by brok3nhearted; 04/17/14 09:44 AM.
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How long have you been married? Do you have children?

Get and keep evidence of her affair and expose it far and wide. Read about exposure -----> Here

Exposure is not done for punishment. Rather it speeds up the breaking up of the affair. Also it will provide some support for you.

Meanwhile, address the conditions that led to your wife's affair. There are never excuses for an affair, but there are usually reasons. Do you have love busters? Do you travel for your job? Do you work long hours? Have you been neglectful? If any of these apply, then eliminate them. You need to read up on Plan A -----> Here

Be sure to read through the "sticky" thread at the top of SAA forum.

Are you still living at home?


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I know my WW very well and I know if there is exposure there is NO way for our marriage to reconcile. I understand that exposure is imperitive, but I also know my WW.

She actually confessed to me a few weeks after getting in contact with the OM .... gotta get back to work. Will try to post more if I can.

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If the affair continues, there will be no way for your marriage to reconcile. Your WW is very much like the many wayward wives their betrayed husbands post about on this forum. Most of them get very angry and swear that the marriage is over because of exposure. Some WW leave the marriage and some reconcile. But as long as your wife is in her affair and the longer you allow it to become more entrenched, the more difficult recovery becomes.

Your marriage can survive your wife's anger, but it won't survive her affair.

Please read through the top thread of this forum.

I'm sorry for the reason you are here.

Do you have children together?

How long have you been married?


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Also, when you get a chance,

Who is the OM (other man?)

And where did she meet him?

Is the OM married?


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My wife is a very particular as a person. In fact, if truth be known she married down, when she married me. Over the past 20 years I have not been a model husband (see edited 1st post) and have not been able to provide for her the kind of lifestyle that she would like. As such, together with my infidelity in the past, my unkindness and my inability to earn more than $50k p.a. she had grown extremely frustrated and has over the past 3 years have conditioned her mind that she's leaving me and our boys.

She told me that when she registered in those sites (bear in mind that this is highly unlike the wife I knew from before 3 years ago) she didn't like men who came on strong sexually right from the onset. She accidentally started cybersex with one man here in NZ but stopped when he started sending her erotica. She even met up with another guy, but stopped contact when he made a move to touch her. She has stopped contact with all men in NZ, as she says they were too close for comfort and decided to register in a dating site in the US, where she met the OM.

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The OM lives in San Diego and is married with two children (I believe). He's an engineer.

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Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
My wife is a very particular as a person. In fact, if truth be known she married down, when she married me. Over the past 20 years I have not been a model husband (see edited 1st post) and have not been able to provide for her the kind of lifestyle that she would like. As such, together with my infidelity in the past, my unkindness and my inability to earn more than $50k p.a. she had grown extremely frustrated and has over the past 3 years have conditioned her mind that she's leaving me and our boys.

So you have been unfaithful in the past and your marriage never really recovered. Dr. Harley describes a recovered marriage as one in which Just Compensation has occurred, resulting in a marriage that is much better than pre-A and also safe, with Extraordinary Precautions instituted by both spouses to prevent another affair from happening.

Okay, you've been a crappy H. That still doesn't justify your wife's affair. It is one of the conditions that will need to be eliminated, though.

Most women's top two ENs are affection and intimate conversation. The next three are openness and honesty, financial support and family support.

You will need to eliminate all your love busters and do your best to meet her ENs. It's very important to many women that her husband make an adequate income, so you should also be working on that.

Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
She told me that when she registered in those sites (bear in mind that this is highly unlike the wife I knew from before 3 years ago) she didn't like men who came on strong sexually right from the onset. She accidentally started cybersex with one man here in NZ but stopped when he started sending her erotica. She even met up with another guy, but stopped contact when he made a move to touch her. She has stopped contact with all men in NZ, as she says they were too close for comfort and decided to register in a dating site in the US, where she met the OM.

Your wife is actually trolling for men to have an affair with. You need to cut the Internet connection at your house.

Can you find this man and let his wife know what he's doing? She needs to know the state of her marriage. After you let his wife know, get a hold of the creep yourself and run him off.

In spite of all you have indicated about your poor habits of marriage and your affairs, you still need to expose your wife's affairs, along with your own affairs. Ask for their support.

Really, exposure is the very first weapon against the affair. As long as you let your wife continue in her affair without doing anything about it, she is going to see you as very uncaring and enabling.


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The thing is, since her confession, my relationship with my wife has been the best ever, even before marriage! She has never been this intimate with me before and she attributes it to a fundamental change in me since the confession.

She has always been a self-governing person and I know that she still is. When she confessed, I believe her when she said that she needed time to wean off the OM. But she told me that even though our relationship had improved a 100-fold, the one thing that's holding her back to fully reconciling is my lack of success financially. She said that if she stops communication with the OM all together it will drive her to communicate and find other men in NZ. This is exactly what happened! She started weaning off and because she felt pressure from me - although I was giving her room - she weaned off too quickly and she got back onto NZ sites and started communicating with other men but with the qualifier that she does not want to cheat on her husband.

She had initially told the OM that she wasn't going to get on these sites again, and when she went back on those sites she told him and he said that if she was going to look for an affair, then why not have one with him. That's when things started escalating. That was just a last week!

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Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
The OM lives in San Diego and is married with two children (I believe). He's an engineer.
His wife needs to be told.

If you want to fight for your marriage you must kill the affair. Exposure is the first step to killing the affair.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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As I said. I really know my wife. I know that if there is exposure the will be NO reconciliation. That's why I allowed her to wean off the OM. But now it has escalated ... in just a few weeks. I believe first contact was in early Feb.

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Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
As I said. I really know my wife. I know that if there is exposure the will be NO reconciliation. That's why I allowed her to wean off the OM. But now it has escalated ... in just a few weeks. I believe first contact was in early Feb.

Sir, you really know your wife, and the MB folks really know waywards.

Your wayward wife is acting exactly according to script. Her enabling husband is allowing her to brazenly continue trolling for men on the Internet. Of course, it has escalated. Her own husband is allowing the affairs!

Dr. Harley recommends exposure for affairs, even though it causes the wayward spouse to be angry and upset. As long as your wife continues her affair and trolling for men, your marriage can't even begin reconciliation.

Exposure is only the first step of Plan A. This needs to be done first.


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Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
As I said. I really know my wife. I know that if there is exposure the will be NO reconciliation. That's why I allowed her to wean off the OM. But now it has escalated ... in just a few weeks. I believe first contact was in early Feb.

Sir, you really know your wife, and the MB folks really know waywards.

Your wayward wife is acting exactly according to script. Her enabling husband is allowing her to brazenly continue trolling for men on the Internet. Of course, it has escalated. Her own husband is allowing the affairs!

Dr. Harley recommends exposure for affairs, even though it causes the wayward spouse to be angry and upset. As long as your wife continues her affair and trolling for men, your marriage can't even begin reconciliation.

Exposure is only the first step of Plan A. This needs to be done first.

But what if my wife is the exception? I'm sure the vets have encountered waywards who are the exception and does not act exactly to the script. It is too big a risk for me to do full exposure. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. I actually got on because I'm a total wreck at the moment and just needed some support. Thanks anyway.

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Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
As I said. I really know my wife. I know that if there is exposure the will be NO reconciliation. That's why I allowed her to wean off the OM. But now it has escalated ... in just a few weeks. I believe first contact was in early Feb.

Sounds like your "plan" isnt working too well.
Maybe that's why she's in the bed with OM and not with you.

If you want to save your marriage and end the affair, exposure is the first step. Dr. Harley is very clear that exposure usually kills the affair.

I cannot help you if your refuse to follow Dr. Harley's plan.

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I don't recommend writing your own prescription when you are in a failing marriage.

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Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
As I said. I really know my wife. I know that if there is exposure the will be NO reconciliation. That's why I allowed her to wean off the OM. But now it has escalated ... in just a few weeks. I believe first contact was in early Feb.
What husband lets his wife have other men?
Do you want to remain a doormat to her? Do you want to fight for your marriage?

You need to expose. Imagine that poor BW of the OM that no one has told.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
As I said. I really know my wife. I know that if there is exposure the will be NO reconciliation. That's why I allowed her to wean off the OM. But now it has escalated ... in just a few weeks. I believe first contact was in early Feb.

Sounds like your "plan" isnt working too well.
Maybe that's why she's in the bed with OM and not with you.

If you want to save your marriage and end the affair, exposure is the first step. Dr. Harley is very clear that exposure usually kills the affair.

I cannot help you if your refuse to follow Dr. Harley's plan.

Well, firstly the OM is across the Pacific and she has never met him. It is an online affair. She is in bed with me. Our relationship has never been this intimate and sexually charged before. Its just that the online affair is escalating.

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Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
But what if my wife is the exception? I'm sure the vets have encountered waywards who are the exception and does not act exactly to the script. It is too big a risk for me to do full exposure. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. I actually got on because I'm a total wreck at the moment and just needed some support. Thanks anyway.

brok3nhearted,

You are not wasting my time. We really want to help you kill this affair and to end your wife's trolling for men on the Internet. And to recover your marriage.

The risk that you don't seem to see or understand is that your wife will continue her affair unimpeded. And if this one ends, she will find another, because she's actively looking for affairs.

If you do nothing whatsoever to stop her, you are helping her to destroy her life. Can you see that? Don't you want to keep your family together and have a great marriage?

If she comes out of this all on her own, which takes a great strength of character occurring in about 15% of affairs, according to Dr. Harley, then she will look back and wonder why in the world did her husband just stand there and do nothing to end her dreadful behavior? Why didn't he care about me?


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Remember, exposure, when done correctly, is simply telling others what is going on in your marriage and asking for their help. Exposure isn't vindictive and mean. It's shining light on a disaster and asking for support for you and to lean on your wife to end her affair.

You should also be demanding that she end her affair.

Did you read through the Exposure thread to understand Dr. Harley's approach to affairs?


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Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
But what if my wife is the exception? I'm sure the vets have encountered waywards who are the exception and does not act exactly to the script. It is too big a risk for me to do full exposure. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. I actually got on because I'm a total wreck at the moment and just needed some support. Thanks anyway.
Brok3nhearted, what if your wayward wife is not the exception?

You will get support here - we get it. But first, please read Dr. H's posts on affairs, exposure and what to do next. You can't build a healthy marriage while her attention and energy are diverted to other men and I agree that she will assume you do not care if you do nothing.

Do you want to save your marriage?


BW: (me) 51
WH: 57 (also on forum)
Married 2005, 2nd marriage for both
Lust, porn and self-stim - entire marriage.
his daughter 26, my daughter 15
D-day: 11-14-13
My story here.

I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him.
Psalm 62:1

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