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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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But what if my wife is the exception? I'm sure the vets have encountered waywards who are the exception and does not act exactly to the script. It is too big a risk for me to do full exposure. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. I actually got on because I'm a total wreck at the moment and just needed some support. Thanks anyway. Brok3nhearted, what if your wayward wife is not the exception? You will get support here - we get it. But first, please read Dr. H's posts on affairs, exposure and what to do next. You can't build a healthy marriage while her attention and energy are diverted to other men and I agree that she will assume you do not care if you do nothing. Do you want to save your marriage? But I'm so afraid. I'm in a no win situation. I agree on the exposure but I know that if I do that now, I'll lose her for sure. My WW thinks that I will not expose and I would like keep it at that for now. I just need some support as I work on filling her LB. Will you guys support me for the next 4 weeks while I work on filling her LB and monitoring the intensity of the affair? If the intensity increases, then, I've got nothing to lose cos' I would be losing her to the OM anyway.
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We women cannot respect men who do not stand up for us. I can assure you when a man pacifies an affair, it will have the opposite effect you intend. It is interpreted by a woman as not caring. People can't sit and watch you drive the train wreck. You will be replaced if you do nothing. Across an ocean means nothing, marriages born from overseas affairs happen.
Last edited by alis; 04/17/14 01:26 PM.
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As I said. I really know my wife. I know that if there is exposure the will be NO reconciliation. That's why I allowed her to wean off the OM. But now it has escalated ... in just a few weeks. I believe first contact was in early Feb. But you don't know waywards. WE DO. And we are telling you that your only chance to save your marriage is exposure. The biggest risk to your marriage is this ongoing affair. If you don't kill the affair by exposing it you won't have a marriage. Exposure is your very best chance. See, affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only serves to enable the affair. It is like enabling the heroin addict to shoot up heroin. That is what your secrecy does. It comes at the price of your marriage. Most betrayed spouses are terrified of exposing the affair because they fear their spouses anger and insist their spouse will "never forgive me" but it never turns out like that. The WS is not angry about the exposure once the fog clears. But the fog will never clear if you continue to enable the affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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But I'm so afraid. I'm in a no win situation. I agree on the exposure but I know that if I do that now, I'll lose her for sure. My WW thinks that I will not expose and I would like keep it at that for now. I just need some support as I work on filling her LB.
Will you guys support me for the next 4 weeks while I work on filling her LB and monitoring the intensity of the affair? If the intensity increases, then, I've got nothing to lose cos' I would be losing her to the OM anyway. No. I will not support you in following a destructive plan that will only harm your marriage. The longer you enable her, the more entrenched the affair becomes. Your complacent approach only shows her you don't give a damn. Trying to "fill her love bank" will be a wasted effort because her love bank is closed to you. Your instincts are leading you to make bad decisions that are based on FEAR. You won't get anywhere with that approach.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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But I'm so afraid. I'm in a no win situation. I agree on the exposure but I know that if I do that now, I'll lose her for sure. My WW thinks that I will not expose and I would like keep it at that for now. I just need some support as I work on filling her LB.
Will you guys support me for the next 4 weeks while I work on filling her LB and monitoring the intensity of the affair? If the intensity increases, then, I've got nothing to lose cos' I would be losing her to the OM anyway. No. I will not support you in following a destructive plan that will only harm your marriage. The longer you enable her, the more entrenched the affair becomes. Your complacent approach only shows her you don't give a damn. Trying to "fill her love bank" will be a wasted effort because her love bank is closed to you. Your instincts are leading you to make bad decisions that are based on FEAR. You won't get anywhere with that approach. I will also not support you enabling her affair.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Mar 2014
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But what if my wife is the exception? I'm sure the vets have encountered waywards who are the exception and does not act exactly to the script. It is too big a risk for me to do full exposure. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. I actually got on because I'm a total wreck at the moment and just needed some support. Thanks anyway. Brok3nhearted, what if your wayward wife is not the exception? You will get support here - we get it. But first, please read Dr. H's posts on affairs, exposure and what to do next. You can't build a healthy marriage while her attention and energy are diverted to other men and I agree that she will assume you do not care if you do nothing. Do you want to save your marriage? But I'm so afraid. I'm in a no win situation. I agree on the exposure but I know that if I do that now, I'll lose her for sure. My WW thinks that I will not expose and I would like keep it at that for now. I just need some support as I work on filling her LB. Will you guys support me for the next 4 weeks while I work on filling her LB and monitoring the intensity of the affair? If the intensity increases, then, I've got nothing to lose cos' I would be losing her to the OM anyway. Listen to me, I know how you're feeling, it's not about what you have to lose, its about what you have to gain. You have everything to gain. Go ahead and let her have her affair and watch your marriage go down the drain. I'm sure there ar alot of women out there would love to see there man stand up for them. I'm sure in the beginning thay won't like it. When I exposed and then confronted OM, I was called everything in the book, I was even called a Bulley and that I scared the OM. I won't get into what I went through in my situation. Exposure will kill the affair. If you don't then she will slip through the cracks, without any consequences and probably do it again to you. We will support you over in the divorced section, she is no exception, she is an alien.
ME46
WW 38
D-day 2/13/14
Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
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No. I will not support you in following a destructive plan that will only harm your marriage. The longer you enable her, the more entrenched the affair becomes. Your complacent approach only shows her you don't give a damn.
Trying to "fill her love bank" will be a wasted effort because her love bank is closed to you.
Your instincts are leading you to make bad decisions that are based on FEAR. You won't get anywhere with that approach. But you don't understand. After her confession, our relationship has improved tremendously. She has been intimately relating with me in a way that she has never done before ... even before marriage. That's why I think that I'm somewhat filling her LB.
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I understand completely. You don't understand that all the need meetin in the world will make absolutely no difference in an ongoing affair.
Your wife is not the "exception," she is the rule. You don't understand waywards.
Do you want to save your marriage or do you want to contribute to the death of your marriage?
You are headed to divorce as we speak.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And that is very well a result of her thinking and imagining him when she is in bed with you. She is high on him, you are there physically. Wouldn't you prefer to have body and mind?
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Brok,
You're not doing ANYTHING so long as she is HAVING AN AFFAIR!
Please use me as an example of 'what not to do".
I siad the EXACT thing you did about your WW -- and I hemmed and hawed and fought the vets about the exposure.
Well, let me tell you this...my W and I are in recovery now -- ONLY because I exposed and killed the affair.
And I'll go so far as to share the following things my W stated to me after the affair ended...God's honest truth:
1. "Thanks for exposing the affair and saving me from that POSOM"
2. "I wish you hadn't waited 3 months longer to do it".
Think about that.
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You see guys. She told me that one of the main reasons she finds the OM attractive is that he is a successful man. Successful in his career. And I have not been over the past 20 years. The most I've ever earned is just over $50k p.a. I was jobless for 2 years and have just recently started working the graveyard shift in a sales call centre. While this job has got financial potential but it could take time. She said that the only way she would leave me is if I die first and the OM's wife goes before him too. And that I improve my financial standing.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,438 Likes: 4 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 912
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No. I will not support you in following a destructive plan that will only harm your marriage. The longer you enable her, the more entrenched the affair becomes. Your complacent approach only shows her you don't give a damn.
Trying to "fill her love bank" will be a wasted effort because her love bank is closed to you.
Your instincts are leading you to make bad decisions that are based on FEAR. You won't get anywhere with that approach. But you don't understand. After her confession, our relationship has improved tremendously. She has been intimately relating with me in a way that she has never done before ... even before marriage. That's why I think that I'm somewhat filling her LB. Let me guess, did she tell you not t tell anyone or this is our business know one elses, I heard those words many times before expsure. See its her secret, not yours and it wouldn't be right for you to hide it. Expose this affair. I know I was scared to death, but once I did, I have to admit you feel empowered.
ME46
WW 38
D-day 2/13/14
Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
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You see guys. She told me that one of the main reasons she finds the OM attractive is that he is a successful man. Successful in his career. And I have not been over the past 20 years. The most I've ever earned is just over $50k p.a. I was jobless for 2 years and have just recently started working the graveyard shift in a sales call centre. While this job has got financial potential but it could take time. She said that the only way she would leave me is if I die first and the OM's wife goes before him too. And that I improve my financial standing. Listen at this point she would tell you a cow jumped over the moon and you would believe her, she is gaslighting you. This is not your wife, she has been replaced by an alien. You need to get a grip and get this exposure going.
ME46
WW 38
D-day 2/13/14
Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
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...and NONE of what she is saying JUSTIFIES having an AFFAIR.
Expose, end the affair, then recover your marriage.
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The way this forum supports betrayed and hurting spouses is by helping them with the plan that is best designed to kill the affair and recover the marriage. This isn't a place to get "cyber hugs" and rah rahs while allowing the wayward to continue their affair by enabling.
Regardless of your financial situation, regardless of your WW's meaningless words, you need to expose her affair and demand that she end her affair and her trolling for men on the Internet.
Working opposite shifts from your spouse is a terrible idea. You should be working and sleeping about the same hours as your wife.
Why should she leave you now anyway? You are giving her what she wants - the family man at home and a man on the side. Having her cake and eating it, too.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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You see guys. She told me that one of the main reasons she finds the OM attractive is that he is a successful man. Successful in his career. And I have not been over the past 20 years. The most I've ever earned is just over $50k p.a. I was jobless for 2 years and have just recently started working the graveyard shift in a sales call centre. While this job has got financial potential but it could take time. She said that the only way she would leave me is if I die first and the OM's wife goes before him too. And that I improve my financial standing. Do you want to save your marriage? Or do you want to write the meaningless fogbabble of a wayward spouse? Everything you said above is meaningless. I would remind you that your wife also made a VOW to you before God to be true to you. So her word means nothing.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You see guys. She told me that one of the main reasons she finds the OM attractive is that he is a successful man. Successful in his career. And I have not been over the past 20 years. The most I've ever earned is just over $50k p.a. I was jobless for 2 years and have just recently started working the graveyard shift in a sales call centre. While this job has got financial potential but it could take time. She said that the only way she would leave me is if I die first and the OM's wife goes before him too. And that I improve my financial standing. If it wasn't that excuse about your job and pay, she would find dozens of other excuses to demonize you and your past. While she is involved with anyone else, very rarely do any Love Bank deposits you attempt to do make a difference. LTL
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She said that the only way she would leave me is if I die first and the OM's wife goes before him too. And that I improve my financial standing. This is the type of affair that typically ends the day it is exposed because chances are that there is at least ONE betrayed spouse that will put an end to this nonsense. It is very likely the OM's wife will put an immediate end to this.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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