Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
How does anyone cope? My wife is in an online affair with someone and it is killing me, as it is getting deeper and deeper.

My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We have three boys 15, 18, 19. I love my wife very much and I'm losing her as she is currently in an emotional affair.



A quick overview on our marriage over the past 20 years. As a husband I have not been 100% faithful to her as in the early years of marriage I was flirting online with two workmates (not at the same time) mainly suggestive statements. That didn't go far as she found out about it and confronted me. The flirting stopped but I still had a roving eye but did not engage in any other extra marital activity. 10 years ago we moved to another country and I did get involved with another workmate. This time it went beyond flirting as there was kissing and touching. It was confined to the office and we never had sex. When my wife suspected of the affair, I came clean and confessed. This time we started making plans for me to move out of the house to pursue the affair. However, the following day at work, I realised that I was being extremely stupid and was on the brink of losing my wife and family. I then called the other woman (it was her day off) and told her that we need to break off the relationship. To cut a long story short, I broke off the relationship and immediately looked at options to getting me out of the branch that I was working at. This took a few months to happen and during that time I started slipping back into the affair. However, once I moved to another branch, communication with the other woman was drastically reduced and eventually stopped. It now has been 7 years and I have been faithful to my wife ever since. Unfortunately, I didn't realise that my wife had decided that it was enough and shut her emotions towards me.

Looking back it is quite confusing as the weeks after my break up with the other woman, my wife started being very intimate with me - her sexual drive had always been low, so this was a breath of fresh air for me and I loved it! However, as suddenly it started, it suddenly stopped. During the first 5 years of being faithful to my wife I tried in my inadequate way to express my love for her. But she rarely responded and it got really frustrating. I guess the frustration manifested in me being easily irritated and angry. Sex was semi-frequent but not very fulfilling as there was little emotion or interest on her part. About three years ago my wife had lunch with my youngest son at a restaurant and had to share a table with another man. She struck a conversation with the man and later told me that she was attracted to him as he was a successful businessman who had separated from his wife. You can imagine my distress! I made a mistake in confiding with my mother-in-law who said that I should just let her do what she wants as I cannot stop or control her. I stupidly was influenced by that and began feeling resentful. In a fit of anger I told her to "go look for the man of your dreams."

Being stupid and protecting myself from being hurt, over the last 3 years I have not treated my wife as I should - getting angry easily, putting her down, etc. Needless to say, she recently registered herself on a few dating sites. She has developed an online relationship with another man from the US. We reside in NZ. I believe that it only started in Feb but it has escalated to at least one full-blown, explicit, email cybersex. On the up side, she has not revealed her real name to him (although he has), but she has sent him a partial face shot and a shot of her cleavage to him. I have access to the email that she contacts the OM with. And I know that she is about to send another photo, this time the full face. This is killing me and I really can't take it.

Last edited by brok3nhearted; 04/17/14 09:44 AM.
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
How long have you been married? Do you have children?

Get and keep evidence of her affair and expose it far and wide. Read about exposure -----> Here

Exposure is not done for punishment. Rather it speeds up the breaking up of the affair. Also it will provide some support for you.

Meanwhile, address the conditions that led to your wife's affair. There are never excuses for an affair, but there are usually reasons. Do you have love busters? Do you travel for your job? Do you work long hours? Have you been neglectful? If any of these apply, then eliminate them. You need to read up on Plan A -----> Here

Be sure to read through the "sticky" thread at the top of SAA forum.

Are you still living at home?


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
I know my WW very well and I know if there is exposure there is NO way for our marriage to reconcile. I understand that exposure is imperitive, but I also know my WW.

She actually confessed to me a few weeks after getting in contact with the OM .... gotta get back to work. Will try to post more if I can.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
If the affair continues, there will be no way for your marriage to reconcile. Your WW is very much like the many wayward wives their betrayed husbands post about on this forum. Most of them get very angry and swear that the marriage is over because of exposure. Some WW leave the marriage and some reconcile. But as long as your wife is in her affair and the longer you allow it to become more entrenched, the more difficult recovery becomes.

Your marriage can survive your wife's anger, but it won't survive her affair.

Please read through the top thread of this forum.

I'm sorry for the reason you are here.

Do you have children together?

How long have you been married?


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Also, when you get a chance,

Who is the OM (other man?)

And where did she meet him?

Is the OM married?


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
My wife is a very particular as a person. In fact, if truth be known she married down, when she married me. Over the past 20 years I have not been a model husband (see edited 1st post) and have not been able to provide for her the kind of lifestyle that she would like. As such, together with my infidelity in the past, my unkindness and my inability to earn more than $50k p.a. she had grown extremely frustrated and has over the past 3 years have conditioned her mind that she's leaving me and our boys.

She told me that when she registered in those sites (bear in mind that this is highly unlike the wife I knew from before 3 years ago) she didn't like men who came on strong sexually right from the onset. She accidentally started cybersex with one man here in NZ but stopped when he started sending her erotica. She even met up with another guy, but stopped contact when he made a move to touch her. She has stopped contact with all men in NZ, as she says they were too close for comfort and decided to register in a dating site in the US, where she met the OM.

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
The OM lives in San Diego and is married with two children (I believe). He's an engineer.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
My wife is a very particular as a person. In fact, if truth be known she married down, when she married me. Over the past 20 years I have not been a model husband (see edited 1st post) and have not been able to provide for her the kind of lifestyle that she would like. As such, together with my infidelity in the past, my unkindness and my inability to earn more than $50k p.a. she had grown extremely frustrated and has over the past 3 years have conditioned her mind that she's leaving me and our boys.

So you have been unfaithful in the past and your marriage never really recovered. Dr. Harley describes a recovered marriage as one in which Just Compensation has occurred, resulting in a marriage that is much better than pre-A and also safe, with Extraordinary Precautions instituted by both spouses to prevent another affair from happening.

Okay, you've been a crappy H. That still doesn't justify your wife's affair. It is one of the conditions that will need to be eliminated, though.

Most women's top two ENs are affection and intimate conversation. The next three are openness and honesty, financial support and family support.

You will need to eliminate all your love busters and do your best to meet her ENs. It's very important to many women that her husband make an adequate income, so you should also be working on that.

Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
She told me that when she registered in those sites (bear in mind that this is highly unlike the wife I knew from before 3 years ago) she didn't like men who came on strong sexually right from the onset. She accidentally started cybersex with one man here in NZ but stopped when he started sending her erotica. She even met up with another guy, but stopped contact when he made a move to touch her. She has stopped contact with all men in NZ, as she says they were too close for comfort and decided to register in a dating site in the US, where she met the OM.

Your wife is actually trolling for men to have an affair with. You need to cut the Internet connection at your house.

Can you find this man and let his wife know what he's doing? She needs to know the state of her marriage. After you let his wife know, get a hold of the creep yourself and run him off.

In spite of all you have indicated about your poor habits of marriage and your affairs, you still need to expose your wife's affairs, along with your own affairs. Ask for their support.

Really, exposure is the very first weapon against the affair. As long as you let your wife continue in her affair without doing anything about it, she is going to see you as very uncaring and enabling.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
The thing is, since her confession, my relationship with my wife has been the best ever, even before marriage! She has never been this intimate with me before and she attributes it to a fundamental change in me since the confession.

She has always been a self-governing person and I know that she still is. When she confessed, I believe her when she said that she needed time to wean off the OM. But she told me that even though our relationship had improved a 100-fold, the one thing that's holding her back to fully reconciling is my lack of success financially. She said that if she stops communication with the OM all together it will drive her to communicate and find other men in NZ. This is exactly what happened! She started weaning off and because she felt pressure from me - although I was giving her room - she weaned off too quickly and she got back onto NZ sites and started communicating with other men but with the qualifier that she does not want to cheat on her husband.

She had initially told the OM that she wasn't going to get on these sites again, and when she went back on those sites she told him and he said that if she was going to look for an affair, then why not have one with him. That's when things started escalating. That was just a last week!

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
The OM lives in San Diego and is married with two children (I believe). He's an engineer.
His wife needs to be told.

If you want to fight for your marriage you must kill the affair. Exposure is the first step to killing the affair.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
As I said. I really know my wife. I know that if there is exposure the will be NO reconciliation. That's why I allowed her to wean off the OM. But now it has escalated ... in just a few weeks. I believe first contact was in early Feb.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
As I said. I really know my wife. I know that if there is exposure the will be NO reconciliation. That's why I allowed her to wean off the OM. But now it has escalated ... in just a few weeks. I believe first contact was in early Feb.

Sir, you really know your wife, and the MB folks really know waywards.

Your wayward wife is acting exactly according to script. Her enabling husband is allowing her to brazenly continue trolling for men on the Internet. Of course, it has escalated. Her own husband is allowing the affairs!

Dr. Harley recommends exposure for affairs, even though it causes the wayward spouse to be angry and upset. As long as your wife continues her affair and trolling for men, your marriage can't even begin reconciliation.

Exposure is only the first step of Plan A. This needs to be done first.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
As I said. I really know my wife. I know that if there is exposure the will be NO reconciliation. That's why I allowed her to wean off the OM. But now it has escalated ... in just a few weeks. I believe first contact was in early Feb.

Sir, you really know your wife, and the MB folks really know waywards.

Your wayward wife is acting exactly according to script. Her enabling husband is allowing her to brazenly continue trolling for men on the Internet. Of course, it has escalated. Her own husband is allowing the affairs!

Dr. Harley recommends exposure for affairs, even though it causes the wayward spouse to be angry and upset. As long as your wife continues her affair and trolling for men, your marriage can't even begin reconciliation.

Exposure is only the first step of Plan A. This needs to be done first.

But what if my wife is the exception? I'm sure the vets have encountered waywards who are the exception and does not act exactly to the script. It is too big a risk for me to do full exposure. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. I actually got on because I'm a total wreck at the moment and just needed some support. Thanks anyway.

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
As I said. I really know my wife. I know that if there is exposure the will be NO reconciliation. That's why I allowed her to wean off the OM. But now it has escalated ... in just a few weeks. I believe first contact was in early Feb.

Sounds like your "plan" isnt working too well.
Maybe that's why she's in the bed with OM and not with you.

If you want to save your marriage and end the affair, exposure is the first step. Dr. Harley is very clear that exposure usually kills the affair.

I cannot help you if your refuse to follow Dr. Harley's plan.

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
I don't recommend writing your own prescription when you are in a failing marriage.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
As I said. I really know my wife. I know that if there is exposure the will be NO reconciliation. That's why I allowed her to wean off the OM. But now it has escalated ... in just a few weeks. I believe first contact was in early Feb.
What husband lets his wife have other men?
Do you want to remain a doormat to her? Do you want to fight for your marriage?

You need to expose. Imagine that poor BW of the OM that no one has told.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
As I said. I really know my wife. I know that if there is exposure the will be NO reconciliation. That's why I allowed her to wean off the OM. But now it has escalated ... in just a few weeks. I believe first contact was in early Feb.

Sounds like your "plan" isnt working too well.
Maybe that's why she's in the bed with OM and not with you.

If you want to save your marriage and end the affair, exposure is the first step. Dr. Harley is very clear that exposure usually kills the affair.

I cannot help you if your refuse to follow Dr. Harley's plan.

Well, firstly the OM is across the Pacific and she has never met him. It is an online affair. She is in bed with me. Our relationship has never been this intimate and sexually charged before. Its just that the online affair is escalating.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
But what if my wife is the exception? I'm sure the vets have encountered waywards who are the exception and does not act exactly to the script. It is too big a risk for me to do full exposure. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. I actually got on because I'm a total wreck at the moment and just needed some support. Thanks anyway.

brok3nhearted,

You are not wasting my time. We really want to help you kill this affair and to end your wife's trolling for men on the Internet. And to recover your marriage.

The risk that you don't seem to see or understand is that your wife will continue her affair unimpeded. And if this one ends, she will find another, because she's actively looking for affairs.

If you do nothing whatsoever to stop her, you are helping her to destroy her life. Can you see that? Don't you want to keep your family together and have a great marriage?

If she comes out of this all on her own, which takes a great strength of character occurring in about 15% of affairs, according to Dr. Harley, then she will look back and wonder why in the world did her husband just stand there and do nothing to end her dreadful behavior? Why didn't he care about me?


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Remember, exposure, when done correctly, is simply telling others what is going on in your marriage and asking for their help. Exposure isn't vindictive and mean. It's shining light on a disaster and asking for support for you and to lean on your wife to end her affair.

You should also be demanding that she end her affair.

Did you read through the Exposure thread to understand Dr. Harley's approach to affairs?


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 146
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
But what if my wife is the exception? I'm sure the vets have encountered waywards who are the exception and does not act exactly to the script. It is too big a risk for me to do full exposure. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. I actually got on because I'm a total wreck at the moment and just needed some support. Thanks anyway.
Brok3nhearted, what if your wayward wife is not the exception?

You will get support here - we get it. But first, please read Dr. H's posts on affairs, exposure and what to do next. You can't build a healthy marriage while her attention and energy are diverted to other men and I agree that she will assume you do not care if you do nothing.

Do you want to save your marriage?


BW: (me) 51
WH: 57 (also on forum)
Married 2005, 2nd marriage for both
Lust, porn and self-stim - entire marriage.
his daughter 26, my daughter 15
D-day: 11-14-13
My story here.

I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him.
Psalm 62:1

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Read this.
Exposure 101


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by HealingGrace
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
But what if my wife is the exception? I'm sure the vets have encountered waywards who are the exception and does not act exactly to the script. It is too big a risk for me to do full exposure. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. I actually got on because I'm a total wreck at the moment and just needed some support. Thanks anyway.
Brok3nhearted, what if your wayward wife is not the exception?

You will get support here - we get it. But first, please read Dr. H's posts on affairs, exposure and what to do next. You can't build a healthy marriage while her attention and energy are diverted to other men and I agree that she will assume you do not care if you do nothing.

Do you want to save your marriage?

But I'm so afraid. I'm in a no win situation. I agree on the exposure but I know that if I do that now, I'll lose her for sure. My WW thinks that I will not expose and I would like keep it at that for now. I just need some support as I work on filling her LB.

Will you guys support me for the next 4 weeks while I work on filling her LB and monitoring the intensity of the affair? If the intensity increases, then, I've got nothing to lose cos' I would be losing her to the OM anyway.

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
We women cannot respect men who do not stand up for us. I can assure you when a man pacifies an affair, it will have the opposite effect you intend. It is interpreted by a woman as not caring. People can't sit and watch you drive the train wreck. You will be replaced if you do nothing. Across an ocean means nothing, marriages born from overseas affairs happen.

Last edited by alis; 04/17/14 01:26 PM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
As I said. I really know my wife. I know that if there is exposure the will be NO reconciliation. That's why I allowed her to wean off the OM. But now it has escalated ... in just a few weeks. I believe first contact was in early Feb.

But you don't know waywards. WE DO. And we are telling you that your only chance to save your marriage is exposure. The biggest risk to your marriage is this ongoing affair. If you don't kill the affair by exposing it you won't have a marriage. Exposure is your very best chance.

See, affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only serves to enable the affair. It is like enabling the heroin addict to shoot up heroin. That is what your secrecy does. It comes at the price of your marriage.

Most betrayed spouses are terrified of exposing the affair because they fear their spouses anger and insist their spouse will "never forgive me" but it never turns out like that. The WS is not angry about the exposure once the fog clears. But the fog will never clear if you continue to enable the affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
But I'm so afraid. I'm in a no win situation. I agree on the exposure but I know that if I do that now, I'll lose her for sure. My WW thinks that I will not expose and I would like keep it at that for now. I just need some support as I work on filling her LB.

Will you guys support me for the next 4 weeks while I work on filling her LB and monitoring the intensity of the affair? If the intensity increases, then, I've got nothing to lose cos' I would be losing her to the OM anyway.

No. I will not support you in following a destructive plan that will only harm your marriage. The longer you enable her, the more entrenched the affair becomes. Your complacent approach only shows her you don't give a damn.

Trying to "fill her love bank" will be a wasted effort because her love bank is closed to you.

Your instincts are leading you to make bad decisions that are based on FEAR. You won't get anywhere with that approach.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
But I'm so afraid. I'm in a no win situation. I agree on the exposure but I know that if I do that now, I'll lose her for sure. My WW thinks that I will not expose and I would like keep it at that for now. I just need some support as I work on filling her LB.

Will you guys support me for the next 4 weeks while I work on filling her LB and monitoring the intensity of the affair? If the intensity increases, then, I've got nothing to lose cos' I would be losing her to the OM anyway.

No. I will not support you in following a destructive plan that will only harm your marriage. The longer you enable her, the more entrenched the affair becomes. Your complacent approach only shows her you don't give a damn.

Trying to "fill her love bank" will be a wasted effort because her love bank is closed to you.

Your instincts are leading you to make bad decisions that are based on FEAR. You won't get anywhere with that approach.
I will also not support you enabling her affair.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 912
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 912
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
Originally Posted by HealingGrace
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
But what if my wife is the exception? I'm sure the vets have encountered waywards who are the exception and does not act exactly to the script. It is too big a risk for me to do full exposure. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. I actually got on because I'm a total wreck at the moment and just needed some support. Thanks anyway.
Brok3nhearted, what if your wayward wife is not the exception?

You will get support here - we get it. But first, please read Dr. H's posts on affairs, exposure and what to do next. You can't build a healthy marriage while her attention and energy are diverted to other men and I agree that she will assume you do not care if you do nothing.

Do you want to save your marriage?

But I'm so afraid. I'm in a no win situation. I agree on the exposure but I know that if I do that now, I'll lose her for sure. My WW thinks that I will not expose and I would like keep it at that for now. I just need some support as I work on filling her LB.

Will you guys support me for the next 4 weeks while I work on filling her LB and monitoring the intensity of the affair? If the intensity increases, then, I've got nothing to lose cos' I would be losing her to the OM anyway.

Listen to me, I know how you're feeling, it's not about what you have to lose, its about what you have to gain. You have everything to gain. Go ahead and let her have her affair and watch your marriage go down the drain. I'm sure there ar alot of women out there would love to see there man stand up for them. I'm sure in the beginning thay won't like it. When I exposed and then confronted OM, I was called everything in the book, I was even called a Bulley and that I scared the OM. I won't get into what I went through in my situation. Exposure will kill the affair. If you don't then she will slip through the cracks, without any consequences and probably do it again to you. We will support you over in the divorced section, she is no exception, she is an alien.


ME46
WW 38
D-day 2/13/14

Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
No. I will not support you in following a destructive plan that will only harm your marriage. The longer you enable her, the more entrenched the affair becomes. Your complacent approach only shows her you don't give a damn.

Trying to "fill her love bank" will be a wasted effort because her love bank is closed to you.

Your instincts are leading you to make bad decisions that are based on FEAR. You won't get anywhere with that approach.

But you don't understand. After her confession, our relationship has improved tremendously. She has been intimately relating with me in a way that she has never done before ... even before marriage. That's why I think that I'm somewhat filling her LB.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
I understand completely. You don't understand that all the need meetin in the world will make absolutely no difference in an ongoing affair.

Your wife is not the "exception," she is the rule. You don't understand waywards.

Do you want to save your marriage or do you want to contribute to the death of your marriage?

You are headed to divorce as we speak.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
And that is very well a result of her thinking and imagining him when she is in bed with you. She is high on him, you are there physically. Wouldn't you prefer to have body and mind?

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
Brok,

You're not doing ANYTHING so long as she is HAVING AN AFFAIR!

Please use me as an example of 'what not to do".

I siad the EXACT thing you did about your WW -- and I hemmed and hawed and fought the vets about the exposure.

Well, let me tell you this...my W and I are in recovery now -- ONLY because I exposed and killed the affair.

And I'll go so far as to share the following things my W stated to me after the affair ended...God's honest truth:

1. "Thanks for exposing the affair and saving me from that POSOM"

2. "I wish you hadn't waited 3 months longer to do it".


Think about that.

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
You see guys. She told me that one of the main reasons she finds the OM attractive is that he is a successful man. Successful in his career. And I have not been over the past 20 years. The most I've ever earned is just over $50k p.a. I was jobless for 2 years and have just recently started working the graveyard shift in a sales call centre. While this job has got financial potential but it could take time. She said that the only way she would leave me is if I die first and the OM's wife goes before him too. And that I improve my financial standing.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Please read this.
Please Explain Gaslighting


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 912
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 912
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
No. I will not support you in following a destructive plan that will only harm your marriage. The longer you enable her, the more entrenched the affair becomes. Your complacent approach only shows her you don't give a damn.

Trying to "fill her love bank" will be a wasted effort because her love bank is closed to you.

Your instincts are leading you to make bad decisions that are based on FEAR. You won't get anywhere with that approach.

But you don't understand. After her confession, our relationship has improved tremendously. She has been intimately relating with me in a way that she has never done before ... even before marriage. That's why I think that I'm somewhat filling her LB.

Let me guess, did she tell you not t tell anyone or this is our business know one elses, I heard those words many times before expsure. See its her secret, not yours and it wouldn't be right for you to hide it. Expose this affair. I know I was scared to death, but once I did, I have to admit you feel empowered.


ME46
WW 38
D-day 2/13/14

Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 912
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 912
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
You see guys. She told me that one of the main reasons she finds the OM attractive is that he is a successful man. Successful in his career. And I have not been over the past 20 years. The most I've ever earned is just over $50k p.a. I was jobless for 2 years and have just recently started working the graveyard shift in a sales call centre. While this job has got financial potential but it could take time. She said that the only way she would leave me is if I die first and the OM's wife goes before him too. And that I improve my financial standing.

Listen at this point she would tell you a cow jumped over the moon and you would believe her, she is gaslighting you. This is not your wife, she has been replaced by an alien. You need to get a grip and get this exposure going.


ME46
WW 38
D-day 2/13/14

Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
...and NONE of what she is saying JUSTIFIES having an AFFAIR.

Expose, end the affair, then recover your marriage.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
The way this forum supports betrayed and hurting spouses is by helping them with the plan that is best designed to kill the affair and recover the marriage. This isn't a place to get "cyber hugs" and rah rahs while allowing the wayward to continue their affair by enabling.

Regardless of your financial situation, regardless of your WW's meaningless words, you need to expose her affair and demand that she end her affair and her trolling for men on the Internet.

Working opposite shifts from your spouse is a terrible idea. You should be working and sleeping about the same hours as your wife.

Why should she leave you now anyway? You are giving her what she wants - the family man at home and a man on the side. Having her cake and eating it, too.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
You see guys. She told me that one of the main reasons she finds the OM attractive is that he is a successful man. Successful in his career. And I have not been over the past 20 years. The most I've ever earned is just over $50k p.a. I was jobless for 2 years and have just recently started working the graveyard shift in a sales call centre. While this job has got financial potential but it could take time. She said that the only way she would leave me is if I die first and the OM's wife goes before him too. And that I improve my financial standing.


Do you want to save your marriage? Or do you want to write the meaningless fogbabble of a wayward spouse? Everything you said above is meaningless. I would remind you that your wife also made a VOW to you before God to be true to you. So her word means nothing.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
You see guys. She told me that one of the main reasons she finds the OM attractive is that he is a successful man. Successful in his career. And I have not been over the past 20 years. The most I've ever earned is just over $50k p.a. I was jobless for 2 years and have just recently started working the graveyard shift in a sales call centre. While this job has got financial potential but it could take time. She said that the only way she would leave me is if I die first and the OM's wife goes before him too. And that I improve my financial standing.

If it wasn't that excuse about your job and pay, she would find dozens of other excuses to demonize you and your past.

While she is involved with anyone else, very rarely do any Love Bank deposits you attempt to do make a difference.

LTL

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
She said that the only way she would leave me is if I die first and the OM's wife goes before him too. And that I improve my financial standing.

This is the type of affair that typically ends the day it is exposed because chances are that there is at least ONE betrayed spouse that will put an end to this nonsense. It is very likely the OM's wife will put an immediate end to this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
So if you die and his wife leaves, she will go to him. But you also have to be more financially successful. In other words, she is having an affair, she has thought about wanting to be with him, and she's placing stipulations on staying with you. She's wrapped up in him and thinking about a life with him while fantasizing about you and his wife being out of the picture.

why are you okay with your wife constantly thinking about another man but having see with you. You can absolutely bet she's wondering what he'd be like sexually and comparing the two of you but since she emotionally bonded to him, she thinks he'd be the better lover.

Even wild animals are territorial. Why aren't you. If it were me, the computer would be in pieces in the trash and she'd be exposed.


Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
Hey guys. Thanks for all the advise to expose. There have been some developments. My WW was at Good Friday eve Watchnight Service last night and I believe due to my prayers and her desire to actually get out of the affair, God must have intervened. Because this morning at church for Good Friday service, she had a serious talk with me stating that she has decided to end the affair. As part of the service we were asked to write the one thing that we would like to leave at the cross and she wrote "My affair with the OM". She has also emailed him saying "I think the right thing would be for me to back away." and "I will email you another time, a proper closure to the amazing journey we've had." I believe that this is real as I have also seen the follow-up email - although still in draft mode at the moment. The OM has also replied that he would respect her decision. But, having said all this, I will still need to be vigilant regarding further contact with the OM and the trolling of dating sites. Thanks again.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
Is she going to write a No Contact letter? Here. This is the only communication she should have with scumbag. "Amazing journey we've had..." puke Yeah, right, at her husband's expense, and the expense of scumbag's wife. Yeesh.

Is there a way you can find out more about him and find out his wife's info? If you can expose to her, she could watch him on her end.

Are you going to expose her? Even if she says she's going to end her A, you still need to expose her affair and her trolling on the Internet for affairs. You need to expose your affairs, too. Remember, exposure is for support and accountability.

Are you going to address the conditions that led to her affairs? Are you going to change your shift to one that is compatible with your marriage? Are you going to cut off the Internet where she is trolling for men? Are you going to put a keylogger on her computer and phone?

You should never trust the word of a wayward. They lie.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
brok, that is great!! But you should still expose the affair and follow the steps for recovery. Otherwise your marriage will not recover. Here are the steps for recovery:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
If you don't do this right, you are in for a life of more affairs and a crippled marriage. Remember, most marriages do NOT recover from an affair. Usually they are crippled versions of the pre-A marriage, the very marriage that led to the affair in the first place.

If you don't do this right, meaning Just Compensation and Extraordinary Precautions, you are going to be very unhappy with the result.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
"I will email you another time, a proper closure to the amazing journey we've had."

Nope, she is not ending the affair at all. This is a joke. If she is serious, she will send a no contact letter that is approved by you and sent together. And of course, you should expose the affair to his wife TODAY. To not tell his wife is wicked. She needs to be warned about the affair so she can protect herself and her children from your wife and her husband.

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX




"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
That message was a disgusting insult.

And you are not offended by it? Take off your rose colored glasses and see the reality. That message makes me sick!!!

Follow the correct plan and do not deviate.

She is NOT the exception. If you have been around for a while, you would see many, many blinded BS's exclaim that there spouse is the exception too..... Until they discover that they are not.

LTL

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 146
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
As part of the service we were asked to write the one thing that we would like to leave at the cross and she wrote "My affair with the OM". She has also emailed him saying "I think the right thing would be for me to back away." and "I will email you another time, a proper closure to the amazing journey we've had." I believe that this is real as I have also seen the follow-up email - although still in draft mode at the moment. The OM has also replied that he would respect her decision. But, having said all this, I will still need to be vigilant regarding further contact with the OM and the trolling of dating sites. Thanks again.

Great if she ends the affair, but am I the only one who doesn't think this sounds like ending things and honoring her husband and marriage?! Yes, I agree that you need to be vigilant on many levels - talking about their shared 'amazing journey' does not sound over to me. uhuh

I certainly hope you can reach the OM's wife, so she can also understand the 'amazing journey' they've shared. Ugh!


BW: (me) 51
WH: 57 (also on forum)
Married 2005, 2nd marriage for both
Lust, porn and self-stim - entire marriage.
his daughter 26, my daughter 15
D-day: 11-14-13
My story here.

I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him.
Psalm 62:1

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 146
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by HealingGrace
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
As part of the service we were asked to write the one thing that we would like to leave at the cross and she wrote "My affair with the OM". She has also emailed him saying "I think the right thing would be for me to back away." and "I will email you another time, a proper closure to the amazing journey we've had." I believe that this is real as I have also seen the follow-up email - although still in draft mode at the moment. The OM has also replied that he would respect her decision. But, having said all this, I will still need to be vigilant regarding further contact with the OM and the trolling of dating sites. Thanks again.

Great if she ends the affair, but am I the only one who doesn't think this sounds like ending things and honoring her husband and marriage?! Yes, I agree that you need to be vigilant on many levels - talking about their shared 'amazing journey' does not sound over to me. uhuh

I certainly hope you can reach the OM's wife, so she can also understand the 'amazing journey' they've shared. Ugh!
Brok3nhearted, I'm glad you are here and posting. In the devastating fog of betrayal and the crushed self-esteem, it can be very difficult to think clearly. Please do listen to the vets who are advising you. I can't imagine a healthy marriage being built from your wife's current attitude. With some radical honest changes, I hope you'll be able to get back on track, but I fully believe that if you avoid making extraordinary changes, you will wind up with more and more disaster - for both of you - that will ultimately end any hope of a recovered marriage... and after a LOT more pain.


BW: (me) 51
WH: 57 (also on forum)
Married 2005, 2nd marriage for both
Lust, porn and self-stim - entire marriage.
his daughter 26, my daughter 15
D-day: 11-14-13
My story here.

I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him.
Psalm 62:1

Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 296
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 296
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
She has also emailed him saying "I think the right thing would be for me to back away." and "I will email you another time, a proper closure to the amazing journey we've had." I believe that this is real as I have also seen the follow-up email - although still in draft mode at the moment. The OM has also replied that he would respect her decision.

I am very sorry.

My WS did this and I think NC lasted about 24 hrs.

As you have been told by the vets, it is absolutely paramount for you to expose.


D-Day 1 - May 4, 2012

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
You are like MANY posters who turn up here, looking for a reason to not act, to enable their wayward spouse because they think they are "special".

We had the exact same story here on the forum a couple years ago. The BH was ADAMANT that he needed to give his WW time to end despite pages and pages of our telling him he needed to expose. He finally came back after some time because his WW broke every agreement (like we told him she would) she gave him about NC.

The affair ended the day w/n days of him exposing the affair. And they recovered.

Your WW is like EVERY OTHER WAYWARD. She is NOT special!


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Why would she stop her affair? All of your actions have told her and the OM that it's OK!

Enabling a wayward NEVER works. It backfires EVERY time.

Even if by some miracle this affair ends on it's own, she will just go out and find OM2 and so on and so forth.

You REWARD her bad behavior and fuel her entitled wayward mindset.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448

Are you so desparate to appease your WW that you don't care about the other victim in this case, the OM's BW?

You realize that you have now become part of the victimization of this poor woman by keeping this secret??

She has a right to know what is being done behind her back. I know that you KNOW, given that you are a BS yourself, that the right thing to do is to inform her, immediately.

Last edited by SusieQ; 04/18/14 11:59 AM.

Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
"I will email you another time, a proper closure to the amazing journey we've had."

Emailing the OM to discuss their amazing journey is not "closure." It is nonsense designed to get you off her back.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Every BS wished they would've found out sooner about the abuse their WS has done upon them by having the affair.

Please do this poor woman a favor and tell her immediately what her WH has done to her.

Please inform this BW immediately.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
Hey guys. Thanks for all the advise to expose. There have been some developments. My WW was at Good Friday eve Watchnight Service last night and I believe due to my prayers and her desire to actually get out of the affair, God must have intervened. Because this morning at church for Good Friday service, she had a serious talk with me stating that she has decided to end the affair. As part of the service we were asked to write the one thing that we would like to leave at the cross and she wrote "My affair with the OM". She has also emailed him saying "I think the right thing would be for me to back away." and "I will email you another time, a proper closure to the amazing journey we've had." I believe that this is real as I have also seen the follow-up email - although still in draft mode at the moment. The OM has also replied that he would respect her decision. But, having said all this, I will still need to be vigilant regarding further contact with the OM and the trolling of dating sites. Thanks again.

You see this as positive?? You have absolutely NO IDEA what you are dealing with here.

Dr Harley has been so successful at this because he has a background in addiction and he saw how an affair acts like an addiction on the brain...

Your WW's email communication with the OM this morning was another hit off the crackpipe. Nothing more.

The affair is still on.

Exposure and monitoring your WW very closely over a period of time to ensure no contact (weeks to maybe even months)....that's when you know the affair has ended.



Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,448

You are VERY lucky that the OM in this case is married. Most married OM are just using the OW and want to keep their M.

OM BW being exposed to would most likely end the affair in ONE DAY and keep the affair dead by watching her WH on her end.

You are wasting time and taking unnecessary risks with your M.

We all know you are terrified to anger your WW. Guess what? They all get angry and it blows over. Your M can survive a wayward's foggy anger but it won't survive this ongoing affair.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
I don't think Jesus was asking your wife to offer up "her amazing journey" to the Cross on this Good Friday.

You have to follow the plan laid out by Dr. Harley if you want to survive this affair.

Your wife is still deep in the fog, and both she and her scumbag POS affair partner are nothing more than crack addicts. They will not be able to resist each other if you don't put in the proper extraordinary precautions, and they their affair will resume underground unless you hold them both accountable by 1) exposing them, 2) demand that she rewrite her no contact for life letter to him, and 3) you put in place all the Extraordinary Precautions that ML gave you from the book Surviving an Affair.

Here is what Dr. Harley says about no contact letters:

Quote
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.

Read this:

How Affairs Should End

This is your first time dealing with an affair. You know almost nothing about them. Dr. Harley has saved thousands of couples from the, so I would listen to him and not your instincts. If you don't you're in for more heartache.

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 912
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 912
Listen to these vets here. They know what they are talking about. It feels like exposing is wrong. I know first hand I felt the same thing. I felt like it was going to make everything worst. I felt like she was going to be so angry at me and she was! I exposed my wife's affair on March 27, 2014. my wife is moving back in today and is dropping the divorce Monday. She is going to writet the no contact letter. This works. I was in your shoes. I know how you're feeling. Expose this affair if you truly want to save your marriage. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.


ME46
WW 38
D-day 2/13/14

Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
You guys are right. Help. I'm writing this with tears welling up in my eyes. I cannot believe how much it hurts.

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
My WW is in an EA. I live in Auckland, NZ and the POSOM is in San Diego. They have fantasized very explicity about meeting in my original home country.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
What is the plan, my friend?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
Hi there,
I am sorry your feeling so badly do you want to do this forever, expose hard and fast it's your only chance at saving your marriage���you can survive her anger but you cannot survive the affair continuing����Lay down the requirements for you to stay married to her.
You think you have a marriage right now, you don't she is attached to the OM not you, your only shot is ending the affair and then together you can work on the marriage so it is fulfilling and happy for both of you.
Expose, stay soft and calm don't engage in any fights or arguments just keep saying you are fighting for your marriage and her, don't apologize for exposure, the other man will bolt when he has to start explaining why he is involved with your wife���..
Your wife will see what and who he really is���.
How long do you want this to go on, the quicker you do it the quicker you get her back���.
stop being afraid you have lots of vets helping you listen to melody lane she knows how to guide you�������.hit hard and fast with people important to your wife and the OM
good luck


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
What is the plan, my friend?

I don't know.

On Good Friday she sent him an email saying that "I think the right thing would be for me to back away." and she also said that we was not going to send three emails - two of which was sexually in nature and one with a photo of herself. She told me that she will send a proper closure email on Easter Monday - I've read the email (she doesn't know I've got access to her email account) and it looks perfect. But shes hasn't sent the email and since then he has conditioned her to continue communicating.

Also she has also been editing one of the sexual email and one with the photo. Looks like it's gonna start again.

Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,521
...it.s not gonna start agin - because it never really ended.

I was in a similar situatiin where I wanted so much to believe W was ending the affiar, sending the letter, ending contact. They were just words at the time.

Do you know when I KNEW the affair was over?

When I EXPOSED.

Follow the vets advice....today!

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
I don't give this much hope as long as FEAR is your path master. Your emotions will lead you right into the ditch. Ylou need to follow an objective, strategic plan if you want to make it. You won't make it if you can't follow a plan.

Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure; it won't survive an ongoing affair. The longer this goes on, the more entrenched and the harder it will be to save your marriage. Your window of opportunity to save your marriage gets smaller and smaller every day.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
What is the plan, my friend?

I don't know.

If you want to save your marriage, then it is time to man up and start standing up for your marriage. Contact the OM's wife TODAY and tell her that this RAT is pursuing your wife. SEnd her all the communications. Contact him and tell him his little affair is over and to NEVER contact your wife again.

The next step is to expose the affair to your children, and to your family and friends. Ask for their support using the tactics in my exposure thread. Then sit your wife down and tell her this will lead to divorce if she doesn't stop it now. Tell her you want to have a romantic, passionate marriage with her and that you have a plan to do this. BUT....she must end her affair for life and protect you from future occurrences.

Stop dithering around and stand up for your marriage, my friend. Your complacence only reflects a lack of caring to her. I don't know many men who would sit back and tolerate this. Stop doing it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
What is the plan, my friend?

I don't know.

On Good Friday she sent him an email saying that "I think the right thing would be for me to back away." and she also said that we was not going to send three emails - two of which was sexually in nature and one with a photo of herself. She told me that she will send a proper closure email on Easter Monday - I've read the email (she doesn't know I've got access to her email account) and it looks perfect. But shes hasn't sent the email and since then he has conditioned her to continue communicating.

Also she has also been editing one of the sexual email and one with the photo. Looks like it's gonna start again.

This will go on and on and on....until you follow Dr. Harley's program. The longer you wait, the more entrenched this affair will become

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
You guys are right. Help. I'm writing this with tears welling up in my eyes. I cannot believe how much it hurts.

Your first step is to EXPOSE this affair.
You need to read the Exposure 101 thread in MelodyLane signature and prepare for exposure.
You should start by posting OM on www.cheaterville.com and www.playerblock.com.
Post him there and then include links to his exposure in your emails to family, friends, and his family and friends.

You need to be detailed in your post, and ideally attach some sort of proof on the Cheaterville website.

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
B
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 16
The POSOM lives in San Diego and I'm in Auckland, New Zealand and I don't know how I'm able to gather info on him. Can anyone help?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
The POSOM lives in San Diego and I'm in Auckland, New Zealand and I don't know how I'm able to gather info on him. Can anyone help?

Have you googled him? Does he have a facebook page? Have you looked him up in whitepages.com?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
If you have his email address, go to facebook and do a search on his email address. It might take you right to his page.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Originally Posted by brok3nhearted
The POSOM lives in San Diego and I'm in Auckland, New Zealand and I don't know how I'm able to gather info on him. Can anyone help?

You can buy a standard online background check on him for about $20.
And obviously google his name

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 337
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 337
Originally Posted by alis
We women cannot respect men who do not stand up for us. I can assure you when a man pacifies an affair, it will have the opposite effect you intend. It is interpreted by a woman as not caring. People can't sit and watch you drive the train wreck. You will be replaced if you do nothing. Across an ocean means nothing, marriages born from overseas affairs happen.

This is true. My wife's OM started coming from 6000 miles away to see her. He worked it in with seeing other friends,,,probably girlfriends as well.
.the worst was when he got her to go to his country then returned with her and stayed at a hotel with her for two months,, nearly bankrupting him..

These predators will do anything to get another's wife...


H51 WS53
S21,S15
DD3 2/12/14
WS moved home 4/17/14
Began sharing bed 5/3/14
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Nobody probably remembers me, but my FWW and I are 8 years recovered from the worst part of our lives! We are better now than we ever would have been, if the affair hadn't taken place....and the recovery happened how?????? EXPOSURE! It's the scariest of all the steps to recovery...but it is what breaks the back of the fantasy.

JUST EXPOSE with zero remorse and zero vengeance.

Good luck

Last edited by Mywifeilove; 04/28/14 07:17 PM.

BH(me)-46, FWW-43, DS-12, DD-14
A- 6-25-05 'til 5-06...Was Recovered! Back at it on 8/14
ME!!!!!!
Thread #1
Thread #2
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
Originally Posted by Mywifeilove
Nobody probably remembers me, but my FWW and I are 8 years recovered from the worst part of our lives! We are better now than we ever would have been, if the affair hadn't taken place....and the recovery happened how?????? EXPOSURE! It's the scariest of all the steps to recovery...but it is what breaks the back of the fantasy.

JUST EXPOSE with zero remorse and zero vengeance.

Good luck


GEORGE!!!!

I just mentioned you and linked your story the other day to SORA.

Please go to your update thread and give us another years later update.

Good to see you.

Mr. W


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Hi Mr. "Savior"!! I started a new thread in Recovery. My links in my sig are not working, so I don't even know how to access the old threads any longer. Could you change them for me?

Things have been great on this end. I have been having some seemingly minor health issues (many, many tests, but no diagnosis....minor headaches, skin flushing for no reason, being put on anti anxiety stuff (now off...thank God!)

But marriage wise, all is very well!
Am flattered you have referenced my story so many times! Hopefully it has helped many!
God Bless!
George


BH(me)-46, FWW-43, DS-12, DD-14
A- 6-25-05 'til 5-06...Was Recovered! Back at it on 8/14
ME!!!!!!
Thread #1
Thread #2
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Mywifeilove
Hi Mr. "Savior"!! I started a new thread in Recovery. My links in my sig are not working, so I don't even know how to access the old threads any longer. Could you change them for me?

George, the way to fix them is to find the threads by clicking on your name and selecting "view posts." It will take you to your old threads. You can copy and paste those URL's into your signature. You reach your signature via "my stuff" and then to "edit profile."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Excuse the brief interruption of the OP's thread. I came to this thread because I felt that the exposure concept (as scary as it is) is the most important step, and the OP NEEDS to know that. It's not a guarentee, but it truly is the ONLY way to possibly (when done the right way) recover a marriage.

Must have a plan...and then execute it without emotion.


BH(me)-46, FWW-43, DS-12, DD-14
A- 6-25-05 'til 5-06...Was Recovered! Back at it on 8/14
ME!!!!!!
Thread #1
Thread #2
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 739
Thanks ML.


BH(me)-46, FWW-43, DS-12, DD-14
A- 6-25-05 'til 5-06...Was Recovered! Back at it on 8/14
ME!!!!!!
Thread #1
Thread #2
Page 1 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5