Jedi,
I haven't waited 2 years, it's been 2 years since the last "friendship", which was a EA (although he will not call it so). He has a string (8-10) of these improper relationships which involve lying about them, hiding them, telling other women about the marriage (just for their perspective, you understand).

I have saved money for 2 years since my H was not on-board with MB and so I suspected that one day he would be as the dog who returns to its vomit.

Also, is it an affair if he's talking to someone at the gym? I agree that it is leading to another dangerous friendship but I'd not call it an affair just yet.

We have been through so many of these OSF over the years that I think I have to accept that he will never stop. He loves women to love/admire him. He needs it like a drug and doesn't care what it does to me or the marriage, he also thinks that the only thing wrong with them is that I don't like them. So, if I would go back to the old way it was where I didn't know and he wasn't telling....well, things would be peachy.

I don't know of this is a good reason for a divorce but I just can't seem to want to "fight" for him or the marriage.

So, with that said, what should I expose?

SadMAd

Dr. Harley says if your spouse make can't feel safe in your marriage then that is a reason to separate.

When you've given Dr. Harley's EPs to him, what does he do?

The affair at the gym should be exposed as an affair.
Dr. Harley refers to it as an emotional affair and one of the cases in his book Surviving an Affair is about a gym affair.

My husband had a dojo/gym affair. It was a so-called friendship and also nothing to it, except he could no longer be present or treat me with thoughtfulness and care. So that says its an EA.

Like your husband, my husband clung to the 'its no big deal' since he was enjoying the good feeling he was getting from the associated perception of himself in the so-called mirror these OW hold up.

They get so self centered and our culture loves these guys for their charming ways. They give their best to everyone but you and create an uneven competitive playing field due to their lack of boundaries or precautions around other women.

Frankly, the "I give up" space you are in is a good thing. I got to his point and for me this was my awakening. A willingness to give up everything even the marriage as it had become. I knew we had to start over. Create a new marriage. A marriage of extraordinary care. A MB marriage.

A Bible passage kept popping into my head: Matt 7:6 Do not give what is holy to dogs, or throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot, and turn and tear you to pieces.

A very graphic picture of what I was internally living out while my husband indulged himself!

I see plan A is a bit like 'showing off your pearls' in front of the swine. Its the 'renters' approach thrown back at 'em. But by all means you are not throwing your 'pearls' into your husband pig pen.

I recommend NOT joining this particular gym or even another gym to attend with your husband. I tried this and trust me this is throwing your pearls in to the pen. (Too many triggers for you) Put your best self on display in some other fashion that will not engage your husbands hyper-sensitivies.

And give yourself a timeline...

And as you know, go to plan B if the relationship remains unsafe for you as in--your husband and his friends tearing you to pieces.

Graceful,

I read your post and then couldn't get it out of my mind AND couldn't reread it either. It stunned me, awakened me, grieved me. I felt like you saw into me.

I have been thinking and praying for the last 2 weeks. I'm haunted by the gut feeling your post delivers.

I cannot do anything like plan A. I cannot. I cannot follow to the gym, I cannot make myself available, tender, complimentary,
I cannot save this marriage alone and haven't the energy to fight the impending death.

If I understand you, you think plan A is throwing pearls before swine. Do you mean that the trying again IS the pearl, after having tried so many times and having extinguished EA's before and having promises that they would not happen again? I feel somehow diminished by the thought of trying to entice my H into wanting a good marriage, or wanting to keep/honor his word, or wanting me.

I don't know what to do beside leave, nothing else seems dignified or respectful.

SadMad,

Dr. Harley would encourage you to expose the affair and enter Plan B.

SAdMad,
Did not mean to haunt you!

In my own thoughts /imagination regarding Matt 7:6 and plan A w/gym type EA---

Pearls= You
"Throw"= do a plan A where you in a sense are making yourself 'compete' w/OW in their playing field to draw your husband away. Plus begging him to stop.

Rather then throw yourself (too exhausting):
Do a plan A with your dignity in tact. Throwing yourself at your husband would be many things that are apparently unattractive to your husband. You know, begging him to stop the independent behavior. Pointing out his cruelty and disrespectful intentions toward you. All true of course. But why lower yourself and beg a swine?

Rather expect him to perform an upgrade to continue in the marriage. Be 'The Pearl.' Be kind. Thoughtful. Caring. Confident. Towards yourself and humanity in general including your husband.

And expose the affair because its the helpful thing to do.

You have to be a Renter in your own marriage now before you can resume/or enjoy being a Buyer.

Its going to take time. It may or may not work. I nearly gave up myself w/good reason. We're still rebuilding. But no more dojo and poor boundaries. My husband was stubborn and did not like to take in all the MB advice either. He used to say he was only in charge of his own happiness. Didn't perceive he had to worry about mine either. Entrenched in IB. It took a lot for him to understand how risky his little friendships and my triggers around dojo world were to everything we had together. For along time he liked this edgy stuff.