Hi all,

This is my second post. My very good news is that my wife yesterday dedicated herself to cancel her affair, stop all the communication with her lover.

The bad news is that she is totally addicted to him. I have recently realized why this affair resurrected after 4 years of pause. The lover lives in a different country, but they send emails to the other sporadically. I read all of them. Unfortunately it was enough for not letting it fade away.

My question is how to prove the separation in modern times? She is dedicated today, tomorrow she will be weak.

I want to follow Dr Harley's advice but it is impossible to monitor all communication. Too many accounts, personal and company laptops, mobile phones...

Even worse, I needed to leave her alone for two weeks because of different reasons. Which gives me a breath to be honest as it is really difficult to cope with the withdrawal...

Anyway, what is your suggestion? Thanks for your support.

First off, don't start new threads all the time - keep your whole sitch in one thread so that people can stay up to date on your details and give the best advice.

Dr. Harley's advice is for you to snoop regularly and become integrated enough with her that she could not possibly have an affair without your knowledge. Get tracking software on all of her electronic devices, without her knowledge, etc. Dr. Harley's advice is, literally, "snoop until it becomes boring" - after a year or two of proving herself and of the two of you rebuilding your relationship, you will trust her and will not feel the need to check up on her so much. Of course, don't JUST do this - you have to actually rebuild the marriage.

Which brings me to my next point - marriages can't survive nights apart, especially marriages that have been devastated by an affair. You should not leave her alone for two weeks no matter what the reason. Dr. Harley's advice would be not to do that. If you'll eliminate lifestyle choices like that, you'll discover it's a lot easier to check up on her.

Do you own the book Surviving an Affair? That will list the extraordinary precautions the two of you need to be taking to protect your marriage and recover from the affair. Among those is, no nights apart.

There is no way to make this work if you are going to spend two weeks apart from her; I am sorry.

Thanks for your answer, but I cannot help this issues. How could I install a keylogger to a company phone? Even in her own phone,she could buy a new phone if she wants to do this.

Anyway, it's too late. I'm not at home.

Then there is no hope for your marriage; I am sorry.

In your original thread, you already stated that you didn't agree with Dr. Harley's methods, and you are saying the same thing again here. I'm not sure how we can help you if think you know better than Dr. Harley on how to recover a marriage.

GoodNight,

Sorry for your suffering, but while the OM has your WW under his spell she will never be your wife.

You have to take the fight to the OM, he needs to be exposed to his wife, to his employer, to his church, to his siblings and parents, in short to anyone in his life that matters.

You wrote awhile back what was the purpose of shaming your wife, well your wife is doing a shameful thing not you. You should not be the person victimized, because you did no wrong. As things now stand however you are the one paying for your wifes sins, and while you may be guilty of inaction the burden of guilt is upon your wife.

God Bless
Gamma

The point of exposure is to shine the light of day onto a disgraceful deed, speeding up the demise of most affairs. The BS asks people for help in ending the affair and for emotional support through one of the most painful things a spouse can endure. Exposure also provides accountability.

Exposure is not designed to "shame" the wayward spouse. Exposure is part of the MB strategy to help end the affair and to ask for support for the BS.

But everyone should know of the affair. If the other person is married, expose to the BS, so they can put pressure on their end.

Hi All,

there are some misunderstandings here.

1) Exposure is done. At the moment everybody knows it around my wife. Her family is supporting our marriage. Our friends are supporting our marriage. A question-mark is her workplace. My wife's been on a parental leave in the previous years. She hasn't started work yet. We agreed that she will change job as soon as possible. Her lover works for the same multinational in an another country.

I haven't exposed the affair to her boss yet. A very good friend of us is working here. She is an old family friend and supporting me in 100%. She told me my wife's boss is not a honest person, he probably wouldn't support me at all. Dr Harley is American, I'm living in Eastern-Europe. In our culture adultery is not a big shame in my opinion. For instance any politician could do affairs in public without jeopardizing his popularity index.


2) About my current situation. We are moving from one country to another. That's why we have to be separated temporarily, because I need transfer my job and to finish the moving of the house.
In the books it was not emphasized too much that it's a big mistake. You guys are saying it's a big issue. I admit, probably it is, but we need to do the best of the situation.

We're married for 10 years, we are best friends for 20 years, we have 2 beautiful little boys (2 and 4). We have hope.

Not this two weeks will kill our relationship. This is an ongoing affair for a while, and she made a commitment to cancel it.

Unfortunately I haven't heard about Dr Harley's method before. In my opinion if I'm aware before of emotional needs we wouldn't be in trouble right now.


3) Her commitments she made in the last days as follows:
- she cancels the relationship
- she is looking for marriage therapy for us

She also promised to change her personal email address.

However she is seriously considering divorce.
She claims that I should provide her my family commitment, helping with the children, weekend programs together, but she wants to be separated for a while.

I think she is addicted to the affair.

4) My problem is how to block the communication with her lover.
It's no problem for her to buy a new phone anyway. Currently I can monitor her emails, to be honest.

Let's say she changes job, and she don't return to her original workplace. How to secure she won't use her new company account for communication with him? How to secure she won't visit an internet cafee every day?

5) What you guys need to understand that they met only twice since this affair is going on again. It's an internet affair, that man lives thousands miles from us.

Any advice and support is more than welcomed.

Sir,

Dr. Harley would encourage you to expose to the employer. Top level: CEO, President, Vice President.

You cannot spend nights apart anymore.

Remain in Plan A.

Have you exposed to her lovers family and friends?

Another question. Why temporary overnight separation is so crucial?
I have some ideas, but please could you write some arguements?

First off, 'cancelling' an affair isn't like cancelling a gym membership. You said it yourself, your wife is addicted to the affair partner. So what if your culture turns a blind eye on politicians affairs' I doubt you agreed to an open marriage when YOU married your wife.

Basically you cannot trust your wife especially now. She has told you she is cancelling the affair. So what. What does that mean? Most likely it means she will be more clever in how she decides to maintain contact with her affair partner and tell you what you want to hear.

Also you said it yourself as far as why the no overnights away from your wife...you have not been meeting one another's needs. And while she maintains contact with affair partner and has not set up extraordinary precautions to end affair anything you do to meet her needs will not count. And even if ---by some miracle--- she has 'cancelled' her affair 'membership' and set up extraordinary precautions to heal your marriage, at the most frail point in recovery and at the point you could possibly begin to meet her needs (plan A) you act very cavalear because that's the way your culture views these things you say, and go away for two weeks.

Good luck with recovery. You certainly are going to need it!

SEE Melody Lanes exposure thread. You do not know whom will have influence over your wife. Your so-called very good friend may in fact not be a friend to your marriage. There is such a thing as BS fog as you certainly understand what 'affair fog' is. You sound foggy.

Who did you expose to on OM's side?

If you are away from one another over nights, you can NOT meet each other's needs, you can NOT fufill your UA time together, you can NOT recover your marriage by being apart ~ I know this because my BH and I tried!. He worked on the oil rigs for over 10 years and was away a good chunk of our marriage. We ended up moving cross country and we took a HUGE hit financially at first.

Here is a good thread about nights apart.
Traveling Jobs

I second this! This was an IMPERATIVE read for me and as you'll see when you read through it that Dr. Harley himself states that "Anything that takes one spouse away from the other overnight is an invitation for an affair"

You meeting emotional needs is only part of the picture, you also have to safeguard against an affair by making it impossible. Your WW is a typical wayward, she needs space to think about your marriage and decide what she wants right? Thats code for, She wants space to conduct her Affair with no interference from you.

Your WW will not end the A on her own just because she feels like it, she has to have that contact and she wants that contact soo bad that she can't live without it, that is what addiction means and that is where your wife is now.

Good luck and i hope you listen to the advice you are being given here, we have your Marriage's best interest at heart here.

Thank you guys for all support.

Now it is exposured to her company.

I am very sick, all alone in our old house. Not used children toys and other mementos our lost life are everywhere.

As she is a serial cheater, I'm considering plan B.

My other idea if I ask a serious thing to prove the a#air is ended. I ask her to cancrl her job immediately. She loves her job, she is looking fwd to do it after long parental leave... If she cancel her job, she looses her company car immediately. If she does so probably it's enough motivation to me to continoue plan A...

If she doesnt, Plan B is comming...

I am a fool. I so miss this vampire, I cannot accept that my beloved partner became a zombie... My heart is broken. She told me some days ago how my boys miss me... The 2 yr old said, he belongs to dady, he belongs to mummy. He asked for drawing of me. The 4 yr old said, he miss me.

I am afraid of plan B. Realistically, there is so small hope, as this affair started 4 yrs ago. That time I was following plan B without reading the book, she returned to me, as she was pregnant with my child. Child is proven to be mine.

I thought everything is OK, but the fact is that there was sporadic contact. One or two mails per year. Some month ago she restarted the affair.

She stated she never loved me, I was only her best friend and her stability.

Now I have serious concerns about following plan A. We agreed last week that any contact with OM means immediate divorce.

My abscence from home is a good test of her commitment. I believe she will fail.

So my concern is to ask for immediate resignation or it is counter-productive?

GN - Your marriage will not survive if she keeps working at the current job she's in. My BH took a HUGE pay cut, but he needed to in order to be home at nights.
Also, WHY did you leave your home? you need to go back!!

Who all did you expose to?

Who on OM's side did you expose to?