Exercise is a recreational activity for most people. The only exception is if it is done through gritted teeth, when you hate it but need to do it. If you enjoy it then it is an RA.

There is nothing wrong with RAs being done alone (without the spouse), but they should not be done with members of the OS, they should be done only as long as UA time is met (Undivided Attention time, of at least 15 hours per week - not spent watching television or cinema, and - apart from Sexual Fulfilment - done outside of the home - although please do SF outside the home too, if you like that and can get away with it...weekends away at nice hotels are great...) and the individual activity should only be done with the enthusiastic agreement of both spouses.

If one spouse does not like the other shooting animals, for example, or if one spouse is reminded of the affair every time the other plays golf, then that activity cannot be enthusiastically agreed upon and should be abandoned, in the interest of the marriage - even if all the other conditions (UA time, no OS friends) are met.

It's obvious that cycling and endurance is RA for your wife. She enjoys it very much. She does it far beyond any simple need for a healthy lifestyle.

In the UK where I live, the National Health Service recommends 2.5 hours per week of moderate intensity exercise, or 75 minutes of vigorous activity per week, with the activity spread out across the week, avoiding being completely sedentary on any day. I imagine the US guidelines are similar.

Your wife is doing far, far more than the recommended guidelines, and more than even fitness enthusiasts do. She is not doing this purely for her health - because she knows she ought to. She is doing it from passion, which is fine, as long as it does not damage her marriage - which it is doing, otherwise you wouldn't have posted as you did.

Apologies if I missed it, but what have health professionals made of this need for such extreme physical activity to balance mood? I am an athlete too but it sounds like you are medicating with it. How do you expect to cope with it and your marriage ad you age?

Hi MR and Mrs lasvegas. Welcome to Marriage Builders. I have read this thread and think you are getting some great posts from sugarcane. MrsLV, I read your post about your activities and my question would be: how do those activities complement your marriage?

Or in the event that you cannot exercise in that way for any other reason?

Exercise often leads to injury. My H has bad knees from his soccer-playing days, and this limits the exercise he can do - very little running, which he used to love, and no more football, which is disappointing.

What would your marriage be like if you sustained an injury and had to give up endurance? Your post implies that your marriage would fail. If that's the case, you're in serious trouble.

A great marriage would more than make up for the loss of extreme exercise. A great marriage is all any of us needs, really.

I think you need to do what this programme encourages us to do: to take a look at your whole marriage. You need to change it, and not simply deal with one specific problem. This is true when the problem is as big as an affair, and just as true for the problem of mismatched RAs.

Sorry if we're not being as quick as you all when replying to your posts. We're posting through our work day, and we also may need to take some time between posts to think about the responses you're giving us.

The guidelines of 75 min twice a week is way too low. However, the amount of exercise the wife is doing her is both obsessive and an addiction. If something is a requirement to make one happy, then they are dependent on that and it is an addiction. And if it interferes with one's life, so that they pursue the object despite negative consequences, then that is not a good thing. And YOU CHOOSE to be moody and unhappy. I fully understand about training. I play indoor soccer twice a week, compete in the Highland Games, train for the Games, and I engage in strength training at the gym. However, if it made my wife unhappy or took away from our marriage, I would negotiate until we were both happy.


Sugar cane, I have never in my life seen a male trainer wearing lycra at a gym and I have been to A LOT of gyms. They would get pointed and laughed out of the gym and a client certainly wouldn't take him seriously.

Did I say 75 mins twice a week? That's not my memory of what I wrote�

As for lycra - I haven't looked that closely, but some of the men seem to wear tight tops - like baselayers- and leggings, with shorts over the leggings. Maybe they are not lycra.

Thanks for the corrections, kilted. Maybe this couple should discard everything I said.

In America, the men wear loose shorts and t-shirts to gyms.

In America, the men wear loose shorts and t-shirts to gyms.

This will not help your marriage either because it is a lifestyle where someone will be allowed to meet needs that only your spouse should be allowed to meet. It does not matter that it would be a female rather than a man.

MB is about building an "integrated" lifestyle.

That is the entire point of spending recreational time together...so your MOST enjoyable moments in life are spent TOGETHER

The goal in the MB marriage is be in love with each other. For that to occur, a couple should spend a minimum of 15 hours per week together of UA time, which should be the most enjoyable time of your week.

Since the goal of MB is to have a marriage in which both spouses are in love with each other, each of you needs to be the favorite recreational partner of the other.

As a matter of fact, Dr. Harley recommends certain favorite activities of just one spouse should be abandoned until your spouse is your favorite RC partner. And even then, if the recreational activity is something you enjoy even more than the time with your spouse, Dr. Harley recommends dropping it altogether because of the contrast effect.

He also says that many people become addicted to their sport or activity of choice and have a hard time giving it up, often feeling depressed for a while.

But the goal is to find something you both enjoy doing. It takes a lot of creative brainstorming and intelligence to find solutions.

If I could withdraw my post about the guidelines I would. It has become a completely unnecessary threadjack.

I used the official UK guidelines because it seemed reasonable to use a measure that has been generally agreed upon and sanctioned (in this country). I could promote my own exercise level as being the most beneficial, but there is no science behind what I do, and no consensus. I could alternatively substitute something that I've read elsewhere, but it seemed fair to use a measure that has health service backing - not that I agree with them on everything - fatty foods and carbs, for example.

Shall we discuss our own views on the necessary level of exercise? Would that help this couple, or change the advice they have received so far?

??????

Hi, I just got off a conference call. Give me a minute to read and respond.
I've not abandoned you all. :-)

Thanks!

Nope, Sugar, you have great advice. I just laughed thinking about a guy wearing lycra. Occasionally one might wear a compression tops but almost always (like Melody said) they wear shorts and tank tops. No leggings... Only women wear leggings.

SugarCane your posts are EXCELLENT and it is clear that you put a lot of time and thought into trying to help this couple understand MB concepts.

Cheers, pf!