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Hello, I have been trying desperately for one year to get my wife to save our marriage and get her out of withdrawal. She says she lost the love. We have been 14 years together and have an 8 year old son. I am going to try to be brief telling our story and I hope someone can give me a good advice.

We started with a 2 years long distance relationship when I was 19 and she was 22. Now I am 34. We started living a great life and marriage until the Real Estate crash started to bring stress to our relationship. I was 25 years old, I had a beautiful wife and a beautiful baby, 5 Real Estate properties and I felt I was on top of the world. I felt the happiest guy on earth. And I trully believe I was. I came to USA first than my wife and I was raised by a divorced mom who taught me how to be very independent and resourceful. My wife in the other hand comes from married parents who did everything for her. When she moved here to live with me I knew how to get around, spoke english (she didn't), and basically new how to do everything I needed. I did everything for her and gave her all the support. I was in charge of everything. The house, the bills, financial support, etc. I was a hero to her. After the Real Estate crash I felt how she was dissapointed with me. I also remember how she was a little concerned on how I deal with money. She felt I was a little irresponsible, which is true.

After the crash, we both decided to do what we came to america for which was golf professional for me and dentistry for her (she was a dentist in south america). For foreign dentist is very difficult to revalidate their career in USA. She got accepted to school where she had to go for 3 years full time, and I had to give up golf to take care of our son and run a home based business to support our family. She basically gave me all responsibilities in the house which I gladly took. I took care of our son, the house, bills, the dog, everything...

While all this was happened I have to disclose that I was always faithful to her even tough I always felt a huge attraction towards the opposite sex and she knew about it because she was my confident and I never wanted to hide anything from her. After she graduated she started to hang out with her girlfriends and having a lot of fun with them. I was no longer fun for her, it seemed. I remember asking her many time to give me and the family more attention. To not forget about us, etc... Our conversations became more difficult every time.

When she graduated she got a few jobs and started to bring a good amount of money to the house. More than me with my home-based business. We then, both decided that it will be a good idea if we open a family practice (dental office). I used my business skills, my experiences, read every book about the business. Created a state-of-the-art business plan, negotiated a great location and a great opportunity and with my family money I was able to buy and finance the new office. I did all the business side of it. The idea is that I was going to run it, I still do, and she was gong to be the dentist. Everything seemed to be going relatively well during the first months of the business. But now she feels that she is the one providing to the family and that I am not good for anything. That I should get my own job and also provide for the family. It's like she forgot all I did and we were in this position because of me and my family money.

In the mean time I could not have my sexual need met and felt the need to cheat on her. I refused to do it and instead approached her and told her how I felt without giving her a solution. I told her: "this is what I feel and I don't know what do to..." I basically told her that I was very worried about my cheating one day with her and I felt I could not be sexually just with her for the rest of my life. Something I regret very much.

It is important to know that my father is very open minded and always said he loved girls and if it was for him he'd have more than one wife. He is on his 3rd marriage. Also, my older sister is married and they are swingers. So I never had a good role model to tell me how to manage my sexuality and desires and to protect my family overall... And never though of getting professional help.

Long story short I ended up convincing my wife to bring one of her friends to our bed and have sex with us. I did not force her, she confessed to me that she did not mind being with another girl and she felt she should to do it in order to fulfill my sexuality. We where at a school party one day and my wife approached me saying "she is ready..." I was shoked and asked who? for what? and she said my friend wants to go to bed with us and we just kissed in the bathroom.

Before the threesome I remember asking her to please take care of the house and me. To give me more time and affection. I was the one in charge of our son education, I was the one cooking, taking care of the bills, and everything that was not dentistry. And I always gave her freedom to do whatever she wanted and always accomodated her in whatever she asked me. Even if it did not make me happy. I was a total Giver.

After our sexual experience I made the bad decision of keep sleeping with the other girl. She was moving out of town in 7 days so I felt I was going to get away with it. I felt bad and was kind of upset because I could not get pleased with my wife instead. Well I got caught... she found a lot of phone calls and I confessed the truth. She was very dissapointed and I beg her to forgive me. After 6 months of her not giving in and me begging, and her saying she lost the love I was very frustrated and I left home.

After one week I came back and it did not work. I left again but this time I decided to go out with my friends who called me to get out to get distracted and not be depressed anymore. When I went out I hook up with a girl without knowing my wife was seeing every move I took (something I never understood since she was the one that wanted me out of her life). She used "find my iphone" and noticed I stayed in someone's house and not where I moved to... during this time I was still hoping we could fix things up. Whenever I would try to fix things up and ask her to forgive me and work things out, she never gave in, but when I was going out and found out I hooked up with someone else she would worry about loosing me and called me and act worried...

Keep in mind that while I was out of the house I still had to see her every day at work...

So after about 30 days out of my house I felt things were not going to get better and I decided to come back to give it 110%. I convinced her to go to therapy but we only went one time. I went 4 times by my self and did everything I was told and asked by the therapist and my wife. My wife went 3 times by her self and the therapist told her that she was responsible too for not committing to her family and taking care of her husband. The therapist also told her she was a histeric woman (one that desires what she does not have and is not happy with what she has... something like that) and other things too... She told the therapist she wants me to make my own money. I feel that her most important emotional needs are financial support, conversation, and recreational. But I cannot proove her financial support in our business which she feels is hers and I'm just an employee.

My wife tried very little to fix things up and I never felt she gave her all. She keeps telling me she does not want to do anything for our son, our family, or our 14 years together. That it has to come from within. But I feel she has to act, commit and focus, in order to recover her love.

It's been more than one year since the 3-some. It's been more than 4 months since I came home and I'm giving my all to save the family. But I can't get her out of withdrawal state. She acts very strong. She says she wants to be alone, and that there is nothing to do. I feel that I need to leave for good for her to realize what she is loosing. I hear from a lot of people, even her friends that I spoil her and she does not appreciate me. I am very dipressed, to the point that it is very harmful to me. I'm desparate to save my family. I have a huge pain in my chest that it's been there for almost a year. I get panic atacks when I see my family breaking down.

Also, I want to mention that for 10 years I was addicted to marihuana, something I finnaly gave up since I moved back in the house more than 4 months ago.

I don't know what to do. Can someone give me a good advice? is there hope? can I regain her love? I feel my love is also fading away and I don't want to son to have divorced parents and go through all the hassle that divorce parents bring to the children, and everything I went through...

Please help frown...

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I encourage you to read the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley

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Ok. Thanks.
What else?

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The first thing you should do is expose your affairs to family and friends.
have you done this?

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Wow! No. I feel it will make it worst. A lot of people know it but not the way it really happened. How do you think it will make it better?
Thanks for the help!

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Have you been tested for STD/I?

Will your BW post here?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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You betrayed your wife sexually at least three times.

The first time was when you put pressure on her to provide a friend for your threesome. To ask your wife to engage in a threesome was profoundly disrespectful of her and showed that you did not care for her at all. You blackmailed her into doing something that was abhorrent to her, on the grounds that she was not meeting your sexual needs and she owed you this favour. That act did untold damage to your marriage.

The second betrayal was in having sex with that girl again, behind your wife's back, thus showing again that sex with someone else was more important than your marriage, and the third betrayal was the sex with someone else, reinforcing the lack of care and love you felt for your wife.

You have completely trashed your marriage, not once in an impulsive act but repeatedly, with calculation. No wonder your wife is withdrawn and wants nothing to do with you.

In addition, she has told you what she wants from you financially and you have ignored that also. She wants a conventional wage-earning husband, not somebody who manages the books while she makes the money. You dismiss that requirement on the grounds that you helped her set up her business and you also brought family money with you.

Since she has told you what she needs from you financially, why aren't you trying to give that to her? If you were a golf pro, couldn't you go back to golf, or perhaps to coaching, to earn a conventional salary?

I don't see that you've done anything for her since your repeated affairs and I understand completely why she is withdrawn from you. What reason does she have to think that you can make her life better after all this pain? What reason does she have to think that you will put her needs first, since you so singularly failed to do so by satisfying your sexual desires with other women, repeatedly?


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First of all, thank you very much for taking the time to read my post and answering back. I am very ashamed of what I did and the decisions that I made that disrespected my wife and my family. Regardless of whatever reasons I had like feeling abandoned or not having my emotional needs met. I wish I had more resources to deal with the initial problems we had as well as a good mentor by my side or professional help. I hate to excuse myself but remember I was raised by a father who is on his third marriage and believes a men should be with many women at the same time and have advices from my loved sister who is currently a swinger... I made a huge mistake. I was immature. It's been a year where I've been carrying a huge guilt because I never wanted my family to break apart but it did. I repent, I have learned, and I have matured. I love my family very much and that is why I am here looking for more resources. My wife admitted with a therapist that she didn't pay enough attention or properly took care of the family and she wishes the love was there to continue our relationship. But she does not feel like it.
I have been desperately looking for a solution and I have felt very guilty and cry like never before in my life going through this.
I have not read very much about how to survive an affair because I felt the problem was a mix of things. Although based on what I hear and your comment I now feel that that was the major problem. So I will read about it and see what I can find there.
In regards to the business it's more complicated than that. I don't just do the books I run it. I set it up, I do the marketing, and all the managerial needs of it. I believe that I am an essential part of the business. I feel that if I was not in the business my wife would ask me to help her. I started the business for the family and not as a gift for her. I started it with the idea that was going to be a family business and that we were going to work and grow as a team.
Thanks again and I'd still love to hear your opinion after my comments.
Regards.

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Have you read this?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Also, you mentioned that you don't see that I haven't done anything for her since I committed my affairs. What do you think I should do? I feel I have done everything I can. I didn't try to deny anything. I told her everything. I have not have any contact with anyone. I have not gone out....
What else can I do?

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I'm on it!!!
Thanks.

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Originally Posted by Jedi_Knight
The first thing you should do is expose your affairs to family and friends.
have you done this?

you can do this!

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I haven't stopped reading about surviving an affair and I have come to realize that an "emotional (maybe sexual) affair" my wife was had or maybe still have, I took very lightly.
While I was going about trying to meet my sexual needs through an open relationship. She developed a relationship with one of her professors that ovbiously met her needs better than I did. When I told her everything about my infidelities she tried to tell me that she also felt guilty becuase she developed feelings with that man. I took it as her trying to give me some pain back and was too scared to know the truth (I've always been one of those persons that think is better not to know everything).
But now it concerns me. I feel that her bitterness and withdrawl comes from her not being able to be with the other man. Not only that but that man works at our clinc coming once a week to place Implants and everytime I touch the subject of me not wanting him to come anymore she explotes with anger...
What should I do? How can I ask her to make him leave? And should I go back to the subject and ask her to tell me everything about their relationship?
Please advice

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I think that if this marriage is to be rescued, you need a new life.

Your wife is not happy with you working for her business (although I suspect you will dismiss this point as you did the last time I brought it up) and she is having an affair with someone who works for her. She needs to get away from him.

I don't know how far away her friend moved (the threesome friend); is there any chance of unplanned contact with her?

I think you need to get away from your current area and move your business somewhere new. It's actually a good idea for husbands and wives to work together in a family business; Dr Harley often recommends it when there has been an affair, and he and his wife work together although they have never had an affair. It is one of the ways that you can create an integrated life. However, your wife does not see the current set-up as an equal partnership. You need to find a way to address her concerns, and perhaps a new business agreement would be a solution.

I think you would benefit greatly from using the telephone coaching service. I recommend that you book a phone consultation with one of the coaches (Dr Harley's son and daughter) and see what they suggest to get your wife motivated in ending her affair and working on the marriage.

You've had affairs with two women, you've both had a threesome and she is involved with someone now. The marriage is an almighty mess. You need a monumental effort to turn this around and I don't see your wife being interested - not with someone else in place - but it can be done. Book a phone consultation.


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Thanks!

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Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
Thanks!
So which part of SugarCane's great advice will you be following?

What EPs will you and your W be putting into place?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I sat down and spoke to her last night in a very friendly way. I told her that I have learned a lot from marriage builders and this experience. I reminded her that I deeply cared about her ans her feelings. I told her again how much I regreted all the inmature and irresponible things I did. I brought up the subject of her emotional affair. I explained to her an affair does not necessarily have to be sexual to be one. All is needed is the feeling of love which she confessed to me that she was very "confused" with this man.
After her last solo therapy she decided she was going to loose contact with him. (They used to train together for triathlons almost every week). But decided not to loose the professional relationship she had cause she felt it was very beneficial for her profession and the business (something I disagree). They are hundreds of doctors that can do the same thing. She said last night that all she had was a fantasy. I did not want to take that subject further because our conversation was going to turn unpleasant. I really want to tell her to not see him again ever and for him not to ever come back to our clinic. Maybe I should call him and ask him that favor myself but I'm not sure that's a good idea.
I completely lost contact with all the women I had an affair and have been very much committed to my family for more than 6 months.
I am not sure if my wife still has feelings for him. It just occurred to me after reading about surviving an affair and seeing her bitter attitude. It might just come from her anger from my affairs. I don't know.
Taking our business to a new place will be impossible. Although I like the idea of making a new agreement and arrangement. At this time I cannot afford a telephone coaching because of a current financial situation I am going through. But I would very much love to.
I convinced her to please fill up the emotional needs and love busters questionnaires for me to better understand her needs and avoid love busters and she agreed. This morning she said it was the first time after a while that she enjoyed our conversation and did not feel anxiety.
I think I made progress. It's been tough cause I am very much in conflict and I'm scared of feeling withdrawal and loosing the battle...
Thanks for the advice. This website and your comments have helped me a lot.
I very much appreciate it.

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I didn't think the coaching would be a problem because you mentioned "therapy", which you must be paying for, in your first post:

Originally Posted by lovemyfamily2000
I convinced her to go to therapy but we only went one time. I went 4 times by my self and did everything I was told and asked by the therapist and my wife. My wife went 3 times by her self and the therapist told her that she was responsible too for not committing to her family and taking care of her husband. The therapist also told her she was a histeric woman (one that desires what she does not have and is not happy with what she has... something like that) and other things too... She told the therapist she wants me to make my own money. I feel that her most important emotional needs are financial support, conversation, and recreational. But I cannot proove her financial support in our business which she feels is hers and I'm just an employee.
Are you absolutely sure that your successful dentist's business cannot afford a few hundred dollars for phone coaching?

I haven't got to the bottom of your wife's dissatisfaction with your working for her business, but it seems that whatever you are doing is not bringing in enough income, if you cannot afford this money right now. Have you no savings against a rainy day? What a dangerous way to live. Does that have anything to do with your 10-year addiction to dope?

I would just caution you that divorce will be much more expensive than the cost of phone coaching, and the coaching here is very successful if both spouses cooperate. You wife seems on the verge of cooperation, given your last post.

You should move heaven and earth to find the money for coaching. You are poised in a delicate position now and you need to seize on the chance for success that your wife has just offered you.


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I went to past therapy twice solo, once together and my wife went twice alone. That was more than 30 days ago and she said she did not want to spend more money on therapy because is not working for her. I asked her to go to another therapist and she said no.
We do have a successful business but we are starting our second year and have a lot of debt. It's a new business...
Yes we do have money for rainy days but she in control of it. I have to convince her to agree on that investment. I will find the money somewhere else though cause I am sure it will be very worth it.

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