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always consult with an attorney, what about all the other hard assets, who gets the deductions on income tax, what about college, what about cars and insurance
dont sign something so hastily, it could be full of future pitfalls and sources of huge arguements in the future
get it all spelled out down to the detail, who picks up and who drops off, who pays for specials, camps, activities, what about holidays, birthdays, fathers day,
you get the picture, divorce process is set up for future litigation and that only helps the attorneys, so get it all spelled out now
If that is the route you are headed.
Last edited by NebDane; 10/02/14 07:12 AM.
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She said she is already willing to split time with kids, and no CS either way, plus take her new car payment completely and we split the equity in the home. I retained an attorney in my D..my ex did not. I handled all the negotiations directly with my ex via email or I would have been paying my attorney to be the messenger ALOT...no thanks. I really only needed the attorney for drafting purposes and court procedures. The negotiations were minimal. I told my stbxWH what I wanted and I was fair. If he wanted to fight about stuff, especially the things that were deal breakers to me then we would go to court. I made this VERY clear to him and made it VERY clear that all his cheating, lying, ahole behavior would be presented along with all the affair evidence I had. There is no way he would not have looked like a dog (because he was) and he knew it. Your WW has a coke head OP. She will not want that nor her first affair brought up in court...and yes I would bring up EVERYTHING even if a lawyer claims it doesn't matter. This is powerful leverage...don't throw it away. Just because you file doesn't mean you will never have to discuss things with your WW so I am not sure why you things have to be sorted out before filing. If she has told you these things then tell her you accept and will contact your attorney to start D proceeding. She can SAY anything, until it is in an order her promises don't mean anything.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Now, I ask again, last time (2005)when we sat down with one lawyer, WW cut a pretty decent deal with me with a seperation agreement, because she wanted out so bad. Is it a bad idea to try and go that route and see what she has to offer? Or just drop the D bomb? She said she is already willing to split time with kids, and no CS either way, plus take her new car payment completely and we split the equity in the home. I would give myself about a 99% chance that I couldn't do better than that with a D slapped on her (and it would cost a ton less than D) This is YOUR call. There is no MB answer to this. I've said several times from a legal standpoint, taking advantage of a waywards desire to end things quicky, quietly and friend-like, can work out. Considerations: 1. You might get a better settlement 2. You might save legal fees (I say might but very often, when it gets to the bottom line signing of the deal, the wayward's entitlement kicks in and they abandon the "deal" and demand MORE. In that instance, you've just wasted more legal fees trying to resolve something that was never really resolvable. It's one of the pitfalls of negotiating with a terrorist. 3. With younger kids I try to suggest Betrayed's don't negotiate a settlement until after discovery and all the wayward behavior is fully documented. This is because waywards rewrite history and if you don't document the affair, it never happened and the divorce reason the wayward gives forever after becomes lies like we just weren't compatible, I loved him as a friend, he abused me, etc. Your kids are older but they also seem confused about their mother's abuse of you. A quicky settlement MAY imply to them that you don't care about them (or your wife) and by not fighting for the marriage or her you are seemingly giving up on the family (just as much as mom is) and/or confirming to them what mom said; you don't really care about her happiness, blah, blah, blah. They will more easily conclude the divorce was a 50-50 problem with the marriage versus Dad put up with enough and he'll forever have our sympathy and we appreciate he gave mom a 2nd chance years ago when we were young and we don't expect him to forgive her again. *children are natural narcissists...they don't care much about how this effects YOU. They are more concerned about themselves and their lives. Some will internalize blame...thinking THEY had something to do with it. Maybe even one of the them knew about the affair before you did and suffers from guilt about whether he or she should have said something earlier and things would be different. All I suggest is you model appropriate behavior in front of them. I might be really confusing if you are all friendly during this quick settlement process in order to take advantage of her willingness to surrender without a fight and save attorney fees. Instead you need to model how one protects themselves from abuse appropriately. Therefore...IF you try to take advantage of an available deal...negotiate with the terrorist privately without giving the impression to the kids that everything is all friendly and nice when it clearly isn't.
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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Now, I ask again, last time (2005)when we sat down with one lawyer, WW cut a pretty decent deal with me with a seperation agreement, because she wanted out so bad. Is it a bad idea to try and go that route and see what she has to offer? Or just drop the D bomb? She said she is already willing to split time with kids, and no CS either way, plus take her new car payment completely and we split the equity in the home. I would give myself about a 99% chance that I couldn't do better than that with a D slapped on her (and it would cost a ton less than D) This is YOUR call. There is no MB answer to this. I've said several times from a legal standpoint, taking advantage of a waywards desire to end things quicky, quietly and friend-like, can work out. Considerations: 1. You might get a better settlement 2. You might save legal fees (I say might but very often, when it gets to the bottom line signing of the deal, the wayward's entitlement kicks in and they abandon the "deal" and demand MORE. In that instance, you've just wasted more legal fees trying to resolve something that was never really resolvable. It's one of the pitfalls of negotiating with a terrorist. 3. With younger kids I try to suggest Betrayed's don't negotiate a settlement until after discovery and all the wayward behavior is fully documented. This is because waywards rewrite history and if you don't document the affair, it never happened and the divorce reason the wayward gives forever after becomes lies like we just weren't compatible, I loved him as a friend, he abused me, etc. Your kids are older but they also seem confused about their mother's abuse of you. A quicky settlement MAY imply to them that you don't care about them (or your wife) and by not fighting for the marriage or her you are seemingly giving up on the family (just as much as mom is) and/or confirming to them what mom said; you don't really care about her happiness, blah, blah, blah. They will more easily conclude the divorce was a 50-50 problem with the marriage versus Dad put up with enough and he'll forever have our sympathy and we appreciate he gave mom a 2nd chance years ago when we were young and we don't expect him to forgive her again. *children are natural narcissists...they don't care much about how this effects YOU. They are more concerned about themselves and their lives. Some will internalize blame...thinking THEY had something to do with it. Maybe even one of the them knew about the affair before you did and suffers from guilt about whether he or she should have said something earlier and things would be different. All I suggest is you model appropriate behavior in front of them. I might be really confusing if you are all friendly during this quick settlement process in order to take advantage of her willingness to surrender without a fight and save attorney fees. Instead you need to model how one protects themselves from abuse appropriately. Therefore...IF you try to take advantage of an available deal...negotiate with the terrorist privately without giving the impression to the kids that everything is all friendly and nice when it clearly isn't. Carefully consider this. There is an advantage to an affair if you want custody or assets in a divorce because waywards will walk away from everything
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Joined: Oct 2005
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Now, I ask again, last time (2005)when we sat down with one lawyer, WW cut a pretty decent deal with me with a seperation agreement, because she wanted out so bad. Is it a bad idea to try and go that route and see what she has to offer? Or just drop the D bomb? She said she is already willing to split time with kids, and no CS either way, plus take her new car payment completely and we split the equity in the home. I would give myself about a 99% chance that I couldn't do better than that with a D slapped on her (and it would cost a ton less than D) This is YOUR call. There is no MB answer to this. I've said several times from a legal standpoint, taking advantage of a waywards desire to end things quicky, quietly and friend-like, can work out. Considerations: 1. You might get a better settlement 2. You might save legal fees (I say might but very often, when it gets to the bottom line signing of the deal, the wayward's entitlement kicks in and they abandon the "deal" and demand MORE. In that instance, you've just wasted more legal fees trying to resolve something that was never really resolvable. It's one of the pitfalls of negotiating with a terrorist. 3. With younger kids I try to suggest Betrayed's don't negotiate a settlement until after discovery and all the wayward behavior is fully documented. This is because waywards rewrite history and if you don't document the affair, it never happened and the divorce reason the wayward gives forever after becomes lies like we just weren't compatible, I loved him as a friend, he abused me, etc. Your kids are older but they also seem confused about their mother's abuse of you. A quicky settlement MAY imply to them that you don't care about them (or your wife) and by not fighting for the marriage or her you are seemingly giving up on the family (just as much as mom is) and/or confirming to them what mom said; you don't really care about her happiness, blah, blah, blah. They will more easily conclude the divorce was a 50-50 problem with the marriage versus Dad put up with enough and he'll forever have our sympathy and we appreciate he gave mom a 2nd chance years ago when we were young and we don't expect him to forgive her again. *children are natural narcissists...they don't care much about how this effects YOU. They are more concerned about themselves and their lives. Some will internalize blame...thinking THEY had something to do with it. Maybe even one of the them knew about the affair before you did and suffers from guilt about whether he or she should have said something earlier and things would be different. All I suggest is you model appropriate behavior in front of them. I might be really confusing if you are all friendly during this quick settlement process in order to take advantage of her willingness to surrender without a fight and save attorney fees. Instead you need to model how one protects themselves from abuse appropriately. Therefore...IF you try to take advantage of an available deal...negotiate with the terrorist privately without giving the impression to the kids that everything is all friendly and nice when it clearly isn't. Carefully consider this. There is an advantage to an affair if you want custody or assets in a divorce because waywards will walk away from everything Yes, unless it is a long distance emotional affair....then it is not so cut and dry....she has nothing to "run to"....thus it becomes more complicated....she might bite much harder when confronted with D.
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OR...
The OM could MOVE to your area!
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
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Now, I ask again, last time (2005)when we sat down with one lawyer, WW cut a pretty decent deal with me with a seperation agreement, because she wanted out so bad. Is it a bad idea to try and go that route and see what she has to offer? Or just drop the D bomb? She said she is already willing to split time with kids, and no CS either way, plus take her new car payment completely and we split the equity in the home. I would give myself about a 99% chance that I couldn't do better than that with a D slapped on her (and it would cost a ton less than D) This is YOUR call. There is no MB answer to this. I've said several times from a legal standpoint, taking advantage of a waywards desire to end things quicky, quietly and friend-like, can work out. Considerations: 1. You might get a better settlement 2. You might save legal fees (I say might but very often, when it gets to the bottom line signing of the deal, the wayward's entitlement kicks in and they abandon the "deal" and demand MORE. In that instance, you've just wasted more legal fees trying to resolve something that was never really resolvable. It's one of the pitfalls of negotiating with a terrorist. 3. With younger kids I try to suggest Betrayed's don't negotiate a settlement until after discovery and all the wayward behavior is fully documented. This is because waywards rewrite history and if you don't document the affair, it never happened and the divorce reason the wayward gives forever after becomes lies like we just weren't compatible, I loved him as a friend, he abused me, etc. Your kids are older but they also seem confused about their mother's abuse of you. A quicky settlement MAY imply to them that you don't care about them (or your wife) and by not fighting for the marriage or her you are seemingly giving up on the family (just as much as mom is) and/or confirming to them what mom said; you don't really care about her happiness, blah, blah, blah. They will more easily conclude the divorce was a 50-50 problem with the marriage versus Dad put up with enough and he'll forever have our sympathy and we appreciate he gave mom a 2nd chance years ago when we were young and we don't expect him to forgive her again. *children are natural narcissists...they don't care much about how this effects YOU. They are more concerned about themselves and their lives. Some will internalize blame...thinking THEY had something to do with it. Maybe even one of the them knew about the affair before you did and suffers from guilt about whether he or she should have said something earlier and things would be different. All I suggest is you model appropriate behavior in front of them. I might be really confusing if you are all friendly during this quick settlement process in order to take advantage of her willingness to surrender without a fight and save attorney fees. Instead you need to model how one protects themselves from abuse appropriately. Therefore...IF you try to take advantage of an available deal...negotiate with the terrorist privately without giving the impression to the kids that everything is all friendly and nice when it clearly isn't. Carefully consider this. There is an advantage to an affair if you want custody or assets in a divorce because waywards will walk away from everything Yup, I have specifically heard Dr Harley say this to a caller considering D on his radio show.
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Now, I ask again, last time (2005)when we sat down with one lawyer, WW cut a pretty decent deal with me with a seperation agreement, because she wanted out so bad. Is it a bad idea to try and go that route and see what she has to offer? Or just drop the D bomb? She said she is already willing to split time with kids, and no CS either way, plus take her new car payment completely and we split the equity in the home. I would give myself about a 99% chance that I couldn't do better than that with a D slapped on her (and it would cost a ton less than D) This is YOUR call. There is no MB answer to this. I've said several times from a legal standpoint, taking advantage of a waywards desire to end things quicky, quietly and friend-like, can work out. Considerations: 1. You might get a better settlement 2. You might save legal fees (I say might but very often, when it gets to the bottom line signing of the deal, the wayward's entitlement kicks in and they abandon the "deal" and demand MORE. In that instance, you've just wasted more legal fees trying to resolve something that was never really resolvable. It's one of the pitfalls of negotiating with a terrorist. 3. With younger kids I try to suggest Betrayed's don't negotiate a settlement until after discovery and all the wayward behavior is fully documented. This is because waywards rewrite history and if you don't document the affair, it never happened and the divorce reason the wayward gives forever after becomes lies like we just weren't compatible, I loved him as a friend, he abused me, etc. Your kids are older but they also seem confused about their mother's abuse of you. A quicky settlement MAY imply to them that you don't care about them (or your wife) and by not fighting for the marriage or her you are seemingly giving up on the family (just as much as mom is) and/or confirming to them what mom said; you don't really care about her happiness, blah, blah, blah. They will more easily conclude the divorce was a 50-50 problem with the marriage versus Dad put up with enough and he'll forever have our sympathy and we appreciate he gave mom a 2nd chance years ago when we were young and we don't expect him to forgive her again. *children are natural narcissists...they don't care much about how this effects YOU. They are more concerned about themselves and their lives. Some will internalize blame...thinking THEY had something to do with it. Maybe even one of the them knew about the affair before you did and suffers from guilt about whether he or she should have said something earlier and things would be different. All I suggest is you model appropriate behavior in front of them. I might be really confusing if you are all friendly during this quick settlement process in order to take advantage of her willingness to surrender without a fight and save attorney fees. Instead you need to model how one protects themselves from abuse appropriately. Therefore...IF you try to take advantage of an available deal...negotiate with the terrorist privately without giving the impression to the kids that everything is all friendly and nice when it clearly isn't. Carefully consider this. There is an advantage to an affair if you want custody or assets in a divorce because waywards will walk away from everything Yes, unless it is a long distance emotional affair....then it is not so cut and dry....she has nothing to "run to"....thus it becomes more complicated....she might bite much harder when confronted with D. Not really. Long distance emotional affairs are very common on this forum. All affairs are irrational - based on feelings and fantasy. NOT on rational thoughts. Waywards don't think logically about their affairs. Of course she is fantasizing about being single. That is enough.
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Joined: Oct 2005
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OR...
The OM could MOVE to your area! he very well could have already
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