Hello, I am in a state of shock so please bear with me. I have been a lurker on this board for a year and a half. I discovered my husband of 19 years,together for 25, was involved in a texting affair with an old girlfriend. Here is where I hang my head in shame,I never exposed. I know all you well known posters are banging your heads.

Saturday eve I discovered the affair never ended and became physical. I am devastated. I need advice,I need a plan. I have begun exposure. Contacted the OW husband,he discover himself three weeks ago. Contacted the pastor at our church and we are meeting tomorrow.

We have two children 18 and 14.

I went through discovery 1.5 years ago and am right back where I started x100. I trusted no contact was happening I am a fool. I have spent the last 1.5 desperately trying to clean my side of the street and he has spent that time telling me "I am not sure I want to remain married" and a million other excuses.

I have been a stay at home mom for 15 years. Working part time for the last year as an hourly instructional assistant at a local school.

I hope my rambling makes sense. I had slept 4 hours since Saturday night and my mind is racing. This is my first post on this forum and have no idea how to reply with quotes etc. Please be patient and I will do my best to listen and learn

Thanks

Hi Limeflamingo! Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. It is critically important that you do a comprehensive exposure and do it immediately. Please go read through my exposure thread and make plans. Make sure everyone knows, incuding your children, family, friends, AND the OW's family.

That is the first step towards killing this affair.

Has your husband agreed to end his affair?

LF,

Here is where I hang my head in shame,I never exposed. I know all you well known posters are banging your heads.

Let's place the Shame where it really belongs, your WH lied, put you at risk for STDs, lead a secret second life, how does that compare with your forgiveness and trust. I know it is fashionable to blame the victim but you did nothing wrong.

Listen to Melody, expose completely, massively and without warnings or threats, gather all of your evidence, do not veer from this task. DO NOT LET YOUR WH KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING, OR HE WILL GO INTO DAMAGE CONTROL MODE AND PAINT YOU AS CRAZY.

Make absolutely sure the OWH knows that this is physical and the full extent of it.

God Bless
Gamma

My husband has agreed to end the affair. I have told my kids,my friends,his family and her husband. I have contacted the pastor at our church.

[quote=Gamma

Make absolutely sure the OWH knows that this is physical and the full extent of it.

God Bless
Gamma [/quote] Thank you Gamma. Her husband knows the extent of the affair, he sounds like he is going off the deep end. This has really knocked the wind out of him. Maybe a little too much.

Thank you Gamma. Her husband knows the extent of the affair, he sounds like he is going off the deep end. This has really knocked the wind out of him. Maybe a little too much. [/quote]

Perhaps you could send him here for help?

Good job! The next steps would be to follow extraordinary precautions to prevent a repeat. Dr Harley recommends following these steps outlined in Surviving an Affair and sending the OW a no contact letter. After these steps are followed, it is important to follow the steps to create a romantic, integrated marriage.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Does she live close to you?

No she lives about 3-4 hours away in a different state. Her parents are about 45 minutes from us. I know she visits them. So sad all this time he has been driving to see her or meeting at some mid point or she has come down here. He says in the last year in a half they have met around 10 times. But the emailing was constant.

He also had a pay for use phone.

You are doing a wonderful job.

Continue to work the checklist that was posted for you and don't skip any of the steps. It will prevent you from going through major heartache down the road.

]]

LF, I apologize if you have already answered this, but have you informed her parents of the affair? If not, I would do this. That will alert them to the problem. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable.

Thanks Melody! Done!!!

Right now I think my husband is in a major fog. He is saying he doesn't know how he should be acting. He told me he wants to want to be with me. sigh so much hurt

He needs to write the No Contact letter MelodyLane posted for you. That needs to be accomplished immediately. He will need to change his contact information to make it impossible for OW to contact him, dump the affair phone, and make his life completely transparent to you.

That's how he should be acting.

Nothing stopping him from talking nonsense to himself in Plan B while you get a pedicure.

He should be taking the actions I outlined above. Did he send the no contact letter? What about the extraordinary precautions checklist? Are you both reading Survivng an Affair and making plans? Having no plan is a plan to fail. Stopping the affair is just step one of a long journey.

That made me smile! I think I am going to do just that.

Plan B?