Hello, I am in a state of shock so please bear with me. I have been a lurker on this board for a year and a half. I discovered my husband of 19 years,together for 25, was involved in a texting affair with an old girlfriend. Here is where I hang my head in shame,I never exposed. I know all you well known posters are banging your heads.

Saturday eve I discovered the affair never ended and became physical. I am devastated. I need advice,I need a plan. I have begun exposure. Contacted the OW husband,he discover himself three weeks ago. Contacted the pastor at our church and we are meeting tomorrow.

We have two children 18 and 14.

I went through discovery 1.5 years ago and am right back where I started x100. I trusted no contact was happening I am a fool. I have spent the last 1.5 desperately trying to clean my side of the street and he has spent that time telling me "I am not sure I want to remain married" and a million other excuses.

I have been a stay at home mom for 15 years. Working part time for the last year as an hourly instructional assistant at a local school.

I hope my rambling makes sense. I had slept 4 hours since Saturday night and my mind is racing. This is my first post on this forum and have no idea how to reply with quotes etc. Please be patient and I will do my best to listen and learn

Thanks

Hi Limeflamingo! Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. It is critically important that you do a comprehensive exposure and do it immediately. Please go read through my exposure thread and make plans. Make sure everyone knows, incuding your children, family, friends, AND the OW's family.

That is the first step towards killing this affair.

Has your husband agreed to end his affair?

LF,

Here is where I hang my head in shame,I never exposed. I know all you well known posters are banging your heads.

Let's place the Shame where it really belongs, your WH lied, put you at risk for STDs, lead a secret second life, how does that compare with your forgiveness and trust. I know it is fashionable to blame the victim but you did nothing wrong.

Listen to Melody, expose completely, massively and without warnings or threats, gather all of your evidence, do not veer from this task. DO NOT LET YOUR WH KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING, OR HE WILL GO INTO DAMAGE CONTROL MODE AND PAINT YOU AS CRAZY.

Make absolutely sure the OWH knows that this is physical and the full extent of it.

God Bless
Gamma

My husband has agreed to end the affair. I have told my kids,my friends,his family and her husband. I have contacted the pastor at our church.

[quote=Gamma

Make absolutely sure the OWH knows that this is physical and the full extent of it.

God Bless
Gamma [/quote] Thank you Gamma. Her husband knows the extent of the affair, he sounds like he is going off the deep end. This has really knocked the wind out of him. Maybe a little too much.

Thank you Gamma. Her husband knows the extent of the affair, he sounds like he is going off the deep end. This has really knocked the wind out of him. Maybe a little too much. [/quote]

Perhaps you could send him here for help?

Good job! The next steps would be to follow extraordinary precautions to prevent a repeat. Dr Harley recommends following these steps outlined in Surviving an Affair and sending the OW a no contact letter. After these steps are followed, it is important to follow the steps to create a romantic, integrated marriage.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Does she live close to you?

No she lives about 3-4 hours away in a different state. Her parents are about 45 minutes from us. I know she visits them. So sad all this time he has been driving to see her or meeting at some mid point or she has come down here. He says in the last year in a half they have met around 10 times. But the emailing was constant.

He also had a pay for use phone.

You are doing a wonderful job.

Continue to work the checklist that was posted for you and don't skip any of the steps. It will prevent you from going through major heartache down the road.

]]

LF, I apologize if you have already answered this, but have you informed her parents of the affair? If not, I would do this. That will alert them to the problem. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable.

Thanks Melody! Done!!!

Right now I think my husband is in a major fog. He is saying he doesn't know how he should be acting. He told me he wants to want to be with me. sigh so much hurt

He needs to write the No Contact letter MelodyLane posted for you. That needs to be accomplished immediately. He will need to change his contact information to make it impossible for OW to contact him, dump the affair phone, and make his life completely transparent to you.

That's how he should be acting.

Nothing stopping him from talking nonsense to himself in Plan B while you get a pedicure.

He should be taking the actions I outlined above. Did he send the no contact letter? What about the extraordinary precautions checklist? Are you both reading Survivng an Affair and making plans? Having no plan is a plan to fail. Stopping the affair is just step one of a long journey.

That made me smile! I think I am going to do just that.

Plan B?

Right after I wrote back to you I went and printed the extraordinary precautions checklist. I will print the sample letter for him now. I am reading Surviving an Affair and will get a copy for him.

Thank you!

perfect!

Melody, the reason I have hesitated on the no contact letter is because of the response I got from the OW's husband. I have spoken to him twice and each time he said things I don't think should be posted and I am not sure in this case there should be any contact at all. Would like advice

Was the OW's H worried about his WW's job security?

In every single case, there should never be contact ever again with the affair partner. It's too easy for the affair to start up and it would be a huge offense to you.

Can you be more specific? I don't understand.

Do you mean he was abusive? Did he tell you not to make any more contact?

That's alright. The NC letter ends all contact anyway, does not allow replies and all retaliatory contact would be blocked because you would have changed all contact details.

What specifically did he say?

He told me twice if my husband had anymore contact with his wife he would kill my husband.

I just got an email from her husband letting me know he has not found any contact since Sunday. He ask if I could confirm as well. I think he was in shock when I spoke to him on Sunday, he thought all contact had ended three weeks ago when he found out. He also told me he called my husband three weeks ago telling him to stay away from his wife.

I have given my husband the no-contact letter and he is going to sign it and I am going to put it in the mail.

Thanks for all of your guidance Melody and Indie and everyone else, I am still in shock myself. Your directions have been much appreciated and are helping me stay focused.

Will you email the OWs husband and tell him you have demanded that your husband send the no contact letter and ask if this is acceptable to him? You can show him the content.

That is so AWESOME that he is contacting you about his intel!! This is exactly how betrayed spouses can work together to kill an affair. GOOD FOR HIM!!!

Does your husband know what the OWH said will happen if he contacts her again?

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond my daughter had to go to the hospital. When it rains it pours. I will write her husband back and confirm I have seen no contact I will tell him about the letter and ask if it is ok to send. Her husband wanted to know if I would like him to continue updates and if not he understands.

Yes he knows what her husband said. He had the nerve to get mad at me for calling him. Told me it was a deal breaker for our relationship if anything happens to him or our family,he said I told you not to call him. I told him I told you not to f his wife.

I spoke to the OW a year and a half ago when I first discovered and like an idiot I told her if there was no contact I wouldn't tell her husband. The first thing I did after this discovery was call him. They had stayed quiet for three months and then the OW called my husband and they had a full blown relationship. I have hundreds of their emails. I still feel like this is all a bad dream.

I am having a hard time getting g the images out of my head.

Not sure why plan be was mentioned but I liked the idea of the pedicure.

I would definitely provide updates to OW's BH of your Intel. This will help both of you to confirm NC.

Do you know if OWBH will come here to MB, so we may support him also?

Also, don't listen to your WH's fogbabble about not contacting OWBH. You tell him "I will do whatever it takes to protect my marriage".

Hope you daughter is ok.

You DO need to stay in touch with him. With both of you watching on both ends you can kill the affair.

Sorry to hear about your daughter! Hope she is doing well.

It concerns me that he is trying to scare you into not contacting the OWH. That makes me believe he is planning on resuming the affair but going further underground. You need to make it clear to him you will be comparing notes on a regular basis.


I probably don't need to say this, but this is exactly why exposure needs to be done immediately. Affairs thrive on secrecy and that is what has happened here. Unfortunately, you learned this lesson the hard way.

I sent the OW husband a reply to his email letting him know I wanted to remain in contact with him and I told him about the no contact letter I would like to send.

It concerns me too Melody. I have great instincts and am not convinced yet. Right now my husband doesn't seem to show much remorse in my opinion. He wants me to stop talking about everything all the time. He says I wake up in the morning and start talking about the affair or my feelings, and end the day talking about the same. I have read that I must end all affair talk but I am really stuck.

I hope that anyone debating exposing reads my story and saves themselves a lot of pain. Listen to the regulars here and expose far and wide without hesitation.

LF, once you have all the truth about the affair, it should never be brought up again. What you should be talking about DAILY are the steps for recovery. I know it is tough to not talk about the affair, but it will help you feel better sooner. More importantly, it will help you create a romantic relationship with him if your time together is pleasant and enjoyable.

Do you have spy resources in place, such as a GPS tracker and spyware on his phone? I would be watching him like a HAWK right now to make sure it is impossible for him to be in contact.

I don't have anything in place on his phone. I have not found spyware that didn't require an iPhone to be jail broken, his phone is not. And I am not sure how to go about GPS. He is VERY tech savvy he does that for his business. I have searched the operation investigate and I haven't found anything that would work there. If I turn anything on his phone like find my phone he has turned it off. Open to any and all suggestions. I am NOT tech savvy. Will search the internet for possibilities too. Thanks! My hawk eyes are open. I am home with my daughter now.

Her husband wrote back and said the letter is ok to send.

Did you inform the OW's BH about this site and invite him to join to utilize the resources to fight and survive an affair? It sounds like he would be amenable to utilizing the entire program to not only destroy the affair relationship, but to restore the romantic love in his own marriage, which obviously would aide your own marriage from at least this one particular enemy of your marriage reconciliation chances?

LTL

Can you buy a GPS unit and put it on his vehicle without him knowing?
What about a VAR?

Go check out the Operation Investigate forum for GPS suggestions that you can install on his vehicle - there are several suggestions there. You can also check the settings on his phone every day to see where he has gone. Another thing you can do is put a VAR in his car and listen to his phone conversations.

You can check his phone in the meantime: There is a useful feature in iOS that let's you track all the places an iPhone is taken within the prior month. Go to Settings:Privacy:Location Services:System Services:Frequent Locations. You will see entries at the bottom of the list. This will show you all locations visited, and the dates and times of each visit.

You can also get in his phone and turn the findmyiphone feature ON.

You won't see remorse until he has had NC for a while and comes out of the fog. Right now, he has no clue just how catastrophic this is or how much pain that he has caused you. Once that fog starts lifting, then he will not be so hurtful with his words.

The main focus for both of you right now should be NC. Every day that he stays NC, he is that much closer to coming out of the fog.

Buy a couple of voice activated recorders and hide them around. Staples has some small ones for $40-$50 each. There are some great GPS units for the car that have tracking visible on your home computer. If need be, subscribe to free phone tracer or another such service. It's about $20 per month and it lets you look up the owners and name/addresses of phone numbers, even cell phones (not throw away phones though).

Thanks! you and others here have asked that question. I will inform him about this site.

I will look into both thank you.

Thanks going to look at that forum now

I did that this past November and the next time I checked his phone it was turned back off.

Wow you are all a wealth of information. Going to look into all of this now.

Also, apparently Webwatcher can be put on an ipad or iphone without jailbreaking if you know the Apple ID.

I don't know the id but I will see if I can find out what it is.

You can turn it back on, right?

Here you go. GPS and VAR

Here is instruction on finding your apple ID: http://support.apple.com/kb/HT5625

Yes, I am not sure where his phone is now but when I get the chance I will put it back on. He is still very guarded with his phone, big red flag I know.

Thank you!

Thanks! I couldn't figure out his security questions. I will try again with email if I can ever get his phone long enough to delete the email Apple will send.

If he is hiding his phone then that means he is not conforming to extraordinary precautions and this is a deal breaker, my friend. Not only do you need the phone, but you need the password to everything, his phone, email, everything. If he is not willing to give you those things, then he is not serious about recovery.

I would ask him for his phone and his passcode because you would like to take a look at it. An honest, sincere spouse will gladly hand it over.

Don't tell him you are going to turn on the findmyiphonefeature.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Agreed!

Yes, it does take fog to clear and for the WS to "get it" in the early days of NC, in particular a WH generally should show remorse and be on bended knee.

If he is not, that is a
The comment about not contacting OW's BH was also a very big
Next, being guarded with the phone?

I am sorry to say I don't think the affair is over yet

Have you considered exposing to OW's FB contacts? Maybe OW's BH should do the same to your WH.

I too see all the red flags. My husband signed the no contact letter and I am going to put it in the mail now.

Hello, I wanted to give you a quick update that I tried to use facebook to send messages and it won't allow me to send directly it will go in the persons "other folder" I remembered seeing on here you could pay to send messages but I googled to get info and that was just a trial and now the only way it will go to their inbox is if you are friends or have any mutual friends.

Looks like it is still working. (I just searched for someone randomly)

I had to click the blue "See More" words to get the option to pop up.

Just checked!! NOT on my facebook!!! Maybe I need to try and make a new facebook account. Mine just says

Your message will go to XXXXXX Other folder because you aren't connected to her on Facebook.

stops there no see more in blue

Are you on a PC or mobile site? I believe it only shows on a PC.

I am on a PC and I tried sending on an iphone and the message did not come up. How do I know if I am sending from the phone it is not going into the 'other' message box

LimeFlamingo, are you signed in to Facebook with your account?

I just signed on with mine, through Firefox, using a Mac desktop, and the blue "See More" link is there.

That will only pop up if you do this on a computer. It won't work if you are on a mobile device.

It won't work on a phone. The message will just go to their spam box.

So then the Facebook expose route will not work for me because it will go in spam sent from phone and my Facebook account dosent have the blue show more to click and pay to send.

I've noticed that people I am not friends with but who I DO share a mutual friend with (a friend of a friend) do not have the option to pay. So I assume these messages do not go to spam.

Are you mutual friends with these people? That may be why you don't see the "Show More" link.

I'd do it on a PC one by one and if it doesn't tell you it's going to the "Other" folder then assume it's good. Otherwise pay the $1.

I am not mutual friends with any of these people, I am trying from a PC and I am not getting the option to pay $1. I am going to try and make another facebook page now and see if that helps. Thanks everyone!!!!!

You are trying to do this from an actual PC? I am confused..

Are you doing it from the actual webpage or is it on a facebook app on your PC?

sorry for all the confusion. I am trying to do this from the actual webpage on my PC. I also tried on my phone.

Hello Everyone! So much has happened in such a short amount of time. My husband asked for a "temporary separation" To basically find himself and see if he even wants to work on our marriage. From what I can tell no contact is still intact.

He moved out on Wed eve and will be getting more of his things tomorrow. He will be living at his dad's about an hour away. We have been to counseling together 4 times and will be going again in two weeks. He wants the next month to run like a business relationship logistically, just checking in on crucial things like our kids etc. He will also let me know before he comes to our home. He has a home based business but for the most part it can be run remotely, however he came over today for supplies and said he will be coming back again this afternoon to pick up something else that he now needs. He wants to trade cars tomorrow so he can move more of his things and then trade back on Sunday.

Re-cap
First discovery- Dec 2012
told all contact was ended

Second discovery- Memorial weekend- I discovered a full blown affair that had been occurring since march 2013

Move out July 16, 2014

I am really having a hard time handling all of this. I feel so fooled and taken advantage of. He knew my intentions of working on myself and our marriage for a year and a half and he just dragged me along. I believed him 100% that all contact had ended, I would have bet my life on it. Now he says there were so many "wedges" in our marriage that he never expressed his true feelings and there are so many layers due to the affair that he doesn't know if he wants to work on our marriage.

I feel like a deer in headlights, which is why I have not posted in so long. I don't even know what to write now to express the pain and anxiety I am going through. Everything is a trigger, I cry at the drop of a hat, etc.

I am in individual counseling and thank God have been since first discovery. I know I have a lot of work to continue doing but I am proud at how far I have come and grown.

He really down plays his year and a half full blown relationship. I have hundreds of emails between him and OW and the ones that I have read shows that he was in that relationship up to his forehead.

I would appreciate any experts advice on how handle the next month from my side. Do I ever send a "just because" text or do I go all the way little contact as possible.

Help!!! I feel so hurt and confused. I really need to detach and focus.

Thank you!!!
Peace

LF:

Did you ever expose properly?

Your husband is cake-eating. The A is still ongoing. Why do you think there is no contact presently?

Hello catwhit! Yes I did expose properly. I have snooped like crazy, and the OW husband has confirmed no contact. I hate feeling like I am invading the OW husbands privacy, he doesn't want to know any details he told me " OW doesn't think I can handle it". I feel like I keep throwing the affair in his face each time I contact him.

Did you ever do the full exposure?

Your WH hasn't ended his affair and you need to go to Plan B after you expose properly.

How to Plan B Correctly

Hi LF, I am so sorry this has happened. The solution is to go into Plan B and cut off all contact with him. I assure you the affair is still ongoing. You don't need to know that to go into a pitch dark Plan B, just the fact that he won't work on the marriage is reason enough to go into Plan B.

Are you familiar with Plan B? Do you have the book Survivng an Affair?

Here is some information about Plan B that will help you get prepared:

Plan B

He is moving out so he can carry on his affair in peace while keeping you around as an option. He wants to keep the door open with you because you do meet some of his needs. He just wants to be able to tell people that he moved out because your marriage "didn't work out" so they don't know it is because of his affair.

Does the OWH know your husband has moved out so now it will be easier for him to pursue his wife? I am sure that is the plan. The affair has gone deep underground while they move out all pretending they are ending their marriages.

Thanks Melody! No I have not contacted the OWH since my husband moved out. Like I said I feel like I am invading his privacy each time I reach out to him. He doesn't want any information. I hate to think I am triggering someone every time I contact.

OWBH needs to know the information that your WH has moved out. He can decide what he wants to do, but you need to let him know.