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I have a friend doing MB and they wondered if someone would share their UA schedule. They work full time and have little ones.

My UA schedule doesn't work for them because we only have cats and don't have to use babysitters. LOL


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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A UA schedule is something that is going to be unique to each individual couple. This is why Dr. Harley tells couples to get together each Sunday at 3:00 and plan their week. It is not likely that our schedule will work for anyone else.

What we have done is be creative in finding babysitters. Have multiple options -- don't rely on just one person to babysit for you 15 hours a week. There was a time that we would spend 3 hours at the gym that offered babysitting then an hour in bed when we got home. We also had my mom babysit two nights a month. And we hired a lady we found on care.com. And we found teenagers at church who were looking for extra money.

The main thing is to put a priority on scheduling the UA and letting everything else fit in between. Schedule four, 4 hour dates a week with a variety of babysitters. Also schedule 15 hours of FC (family commitment).

It could look like this:
Sunday: Church, (4 hours FC)

Monday: mom babysits, dinner and shopping (4 hours UA)

Tuesday: gym night (4 hours UA)

Wednesday: dinner out with kids then play in the park (4 hours FC)

Thursday: gym night (4 hours UA)

Friday: game night with kids (4 hours FC)

Saturday: take kids to the pool (4 hours FC)
Susie from church babysits, eat out and go for a drive (4 hours UA)



Markos' Wife
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We had best friends we swapped having the kids for sleepovers with, alternating Fridays. That would be 4 hours Friday nights and 4 hours Saturday morning, every other week. We would take family vacations with them too, and each couple got a night together without the kids.


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Here's a good example of a UA schedule.
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
What did you do when you were dating? My husband and I enjoy going out to eat and shopping and going for rides.

Here is a recent schedule:

Tues 5-8 (3 hours) Olive Garden Dinner and drive
Thursday 5-8 (3 hours) shopping at Target, BBB, dinner at Cracker Barrel
Friday 5-8 (3 hours drive) BBQ dinner shopping at Bass Pro
Sat 2-6 (4 hours) house touring - late lunch
Sunday (4 hours) breakfast, house touring, matinee [don't count movie time]


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We do stuff like that, but I find it incredibly boring... I would like to go places, see things, talk about exciting stuff. When we were dating we went to tons of parties/events/dances with other people, went out and found cool new places to visit,etc.

We do the things like you put down there, but it is SO SO SO boring. He is trying to smile but after the stroke his head hurts all the time and he is so physically tired... He is really trying...

Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Here's a good example of a UA schedule.
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
What did you do when you were dating? My husband and I enjoy going out to eat and shopping and going for rides.

Here is a recent schedule:

Tues 5-8 (3 hours) Olive Garden Dinner and drive
Thursday 5-8 (3 hours) shopping at Target, BBB, dinner at Cracker Barrel
Friday 5-8 (3 hours drive) BBQ dinner shopping at Bass Pro
Sat 2-6 (4 hours) house touring - late lunch
Sunday (4 hours) breakfast, house touring, matinee [don't count movie time]

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Hopefulwife,
It stands to reason that the things Melody enjoys doing with her husband won't necessarily be thrilling to you. These are just suggestions, designed to give examples of how other couples make UA work for them. What you and your husband enjoy doing together WILL be different. UA is a very personal thing.

Given your husbands health issues, it is no wonder UA is a struggle for you. If I were you, I would contact Dr. Harley and talk to him personally about the struggles you are having with UA due to your husband's health.


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I have. He answered part of my question last week. ( It was the one about what if your spouse is not able to meet your needs because of a disability: physical and/or emotional. She just wrote me back and said she would answer me later this week on the show about my other questions.

All they said on the show is that it was possible. They didn't give me any answers. I would love specific ideas when I think active and new is fun and he doesn't and/or doesn't have the energy.

I just feel so trapped at the house.

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Quote
All they said on the show is that it was possible. They didn't give me any answers. I would love specific ideas when I think active and new is fun and he doesn't and/or doesn't have the energy.

I just feel so trapped at the house.
They welcome follow up. Continue to write them.


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Originally Posted by hopefulwife47
We do stuff like that, but I find it incredibly boring... I would like to go places, see things, talk about exciting stuff. When we were dating we went to tons of parties/events/dances with other people, went out and found cool new places to visit,etc.

We do the things like you put down there, but it is SO SO SO boring.

crazy You do understand the point is to find things YOU enjoy, right? Those are things that my husband and I enjoy doing. The goal is to find things YOU enjoy.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ok, just took out the recreational needs questionnaire again. Here are my answers:
Bible Study ( I'm surprised this is considered UA...)
Bowling ( I think the noise would bother him now. After the stroke he can't stand anything loud.)
Camping ( Isn't physically up for it which is a shame because he loves it.)
Church Services ( This is UA?)
Concerts ( hubby can't handle the loudness anymore)
Hiking- He did enjoy it and we can go for a little while, but no more 3 to 4 hour strenuous hikes
Movies ( But you guys say that doesn't count.. We have been doing this quite a bit. But it has to be a sedate movie. Action violence makes him dizzy.)
Raquetball- We used to play, but he isn't able to anymore.
Sightseeing- How much can we do around here in our small town.. If we drive a couple of hours then his headache returns and he doesn't have much energy

Those are the things I enjoy. He used to enjoy a lot of those as well, but his stroke has ruined a lot of them.

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Those are the things I enjoy.
They are not the only things that you can potentially enjoy.


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Are you going to followup with Dr. Harely with the things you've posted here?


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Originally Posted by hopefulwife47
Ok, just took out the recreational needs questionnaire again. Here are my answers:
Bible Study ( I'm surprised this is considered UA...)
Bowling ( I think the noise would bother him now. After the stroke he can't stand anything loud.)
Camping ( Isn't physically up for it which is a shame because he loves it.)
Church Services ( This is UA?)
Concerts ( hubby can't handle the loudness anymore)
Hiking- He did enjoy it and we can go for a little while, but no more 3 to 4 hour strenuous hikes
Movies ( But you guys say that doesn't count.. We have been doing this quite a bit. But it has to be a sedate movie. Action violence makes him dizzy.)
Raquetball- We used to play, but he isn't able to anymore.
Sightseeing- How much can we do around here in our small town.. If we drive a couple of hours then his headache returns and he doesn't have much energy

Those are the things I enjoy. He used to enjoy a lot of those as well, but his stroke has ruined a lot of them.

The questionnaire is meant to be used together. Don,t worry about what used to be. Go through and both of you rate the activities, add your scores together and see which is the highest now-today. There are lots of blank spaces to come up with more than what they listed too! Your goal is to find 15-20 hrs minimum of fun together. Once you have found the fun again there is the possibility of stretching that into many more hrs. .
I have a relative that is handicapped. There is some grieving to do about loss of activities, but then you pick up, adapt and make a good life with what you have today. UA activities adapt and change throughout a marriage...you just need to adapt more suddenly than most. I have not had to face the sudden change, but close friends have. See how far outside the box you can think about what you both love that fits the current limitations.
For example, you may no longer be able to camp in a tent, but you can find a cabin, even one with handicap acessibility, and sit by a fire (indoors or out) in a wilderness setting.
You can find nature trails that are easier. Maybe take up birdwatching, mycology, botany or other low intensity, outdoor activities that make a slower pace and rest spells a part of the fun. These can be done alone and with groups.
Find classes you are both interested in, then do the homework and activities related to your new interest or skill together. I don,t know that class time counts as UA but the rest would give you new conversation topics.
Go sightseeing and plan your travel times to be short with overnight stops.
You might even find new activities through suggestions made by therapists.


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Hope to get more feedback from parents. 15 hrs out of the house kid free is a radical change for us. How in the world do you do this!! Working on it.


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Originally Posted by hopefulwife47
Ok, just took out the recreational needs questionnaire again. Here are my answers:
Bible Study ( I'm surprised this is considered UA...)

Movies ( But you guys say that doesn't count.. We have been doing this quite a bit. But it has to be a sedate movie. Action violence makes him dizzy.)

Just because something is on the recreational companionship checklist, does not mean it is a good activity for undivided attention.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by buildsherhouse
Hope to get more feedback from parents. 15 hrs out of the house kid free is a radical change for us. How in the world do you do this!! Working on it.

Read the 2nd post in this thread. We have 7 kids, and we make it work. It just takes planning.


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It might be nice to build some more content around the OP in this thread.

Not mentioned here yet....
Drop off activities at churches. Look around, network and find some well run, safely structured programs.
Even those tHat require parent(s) stay on the premises can free a couple of daytime hrs to sit somewhere undistracted. Play games, drink coffee or have a tailgate picnic, and talk.

YMCA has childcare too, although not all ages at the same time (at least in our area) so not so helpful for large families. Check it out. The membership dues are income based so anyone can afford to use their facilities.


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For freeing up cash to hire babysitters....

What can you do without that is a current ongoing expense? Tv? Coffee and snacks on the go?

What can you sell to generate a short term cash fund? Got nice stuff you can do without?


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Looks like someone has stopped accepting excuses, and started finding solutions!


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

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Many churches have free Vacation Bible Schools during the summer. We used these last summer, going to a new one each week. It gave us 2-3 hour chunks of time for several evenings a week. Even found a Saturday VBS that kept the kids 6 hours!


Markos' Wife
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