Here's the plan:

1.) Get your evidence of the affair and keep it safe
2.) Read up on Plan A and stay in it. No love busters. And don't ask her about an affair, because she will probably make it harder for you to find evidence. So keep quiet about it for now.
3.) Meanwhile, create a list of your exposure targets: close friends, family members, clergy.
4.) Once you have the evidence, then you expose. Do it all at once, wide and far.
5.) Give her 30 days to leave the job. If she refuses, expose it there,too.
6.) No love busters throughout this time.
7.) ADs would be very helpful for you right now. See your doctor about a prescription if you're struggling with depression.

LWFH, I do like that plan, and I am going to try and get a VAR asap, but something you mentioned caught my attention you said "You need to find something convincing, not just your gut feelings." I am going to do my best to find something convincing, but as far as my gut feeling goes, it was screaming that something was wrong before i found out about the text messages, but the last few weeks my gut tells me that she has really changed. I am not going to be naive and not keep snooping, but I have to say I don't feel the same loneliness I felt back then. Even in the midst of her texting him, we were having plenty of sex, 3 to 4 times a week. We have always had a good sex life, and during the months she was texting him behind my back, even though the sex was still good, I felt so alone even when we were together. The last few weeks, I don't feel alone anymore, and I have noticed a change in the way she treats me. There is an emotional connection between us now, that was not there before. Believe me, I am in a state of mind right now, that I don't even trust my own mother, but I can't ignore those feelings. Maybe she is gaslighting me like was previously mentioned, but either way, I am going to stick to a plan, and execute it. First thing I will be doing is eliminating all love busters, and becoming the best husband she could ever imagine.

This should be all the proof you need to understand this isn't over. She is playing you and any person telling the truth would be running at the opportunity to clear their name, especially since you've been hounding her so much.

You need to follow the program and wake up. The most important part of PLAN A is to bust up the A and you are failing in this aspect miserably.

It's common to be afraid of her reaction ut don't be. I know this is fresh but do you like this feeling? If your wWW gets upset and leaves what are you really losing at this point? A lying spouse who is making you look like a fool? Act and get in control of your situation, trust me it will empower you and show your wife you care and will do anything to save your marriage.

You can't go wrong by snooping to find out what's going on. Dr. Harley has said many times that it's very easy to fall in love with someone if we allow that person to meet our ENs. That's why it is SO important to avoid talking about personal things with the opposite sex. It's important to eliminate flirting and make sure we are completely transparent to the other spouse.

Even if we do all these things, we can still be attracted to someone. Dr. Harley says if we find ourselves attracted to someone of the OS, we should make sure we don't see that person anymore...even if no affair happened!

He recommends this strongly because it is so easy to have an affair, and affairs are so destructive and painful that it's worth doing all we can to protect ourselves from having one.

Snoop like a bloodhound. Make sure she doesn't see this website.

RR,
Your emotions are a mess, and dragging you in different directions.

Everyone on this forum is telling you the same thing. It is ok to use the board as a dumping ground for your thoughts/emotions, but don't get hung up on the emotions taking you away from the plan. Use the logic that is given to you here, the veterans are the clear thinkers, you are not a clear thinker right now.
One step at a time, get the snooping done.
Be a charming husband, no love busters.( it is hard work to control yourself in this situation but you must)

I already mentioned to her that I was reading stuff on this website, and she told me I needed to quit living in the past and move on like her. I very highly doubt she would ever find it on her own. She says she feels like god has forgiven her for what she did, and that she is over it. She always says that she knows that she hurt/betrayed me, and that I have nothing to worry about anymore.
I am going to do exactly what was mentioned, and stick to a detailed snooping plan, and in the meantime I will be a loving husband. If there is something there, it will rear it's ugly head with time. I just need to be disciplined and patient, which is much easier said then done. Thank you for the advice and support today. It feels good to talk about these things, because I feel like I have been forced to live in this fog by myself. I found this website originally because I can't stop thinking and reading about things. Before this happened, I had never even heard of an emotional affair. A few months ago I started reading articles about what an EA was, and I do believe they can be just as painful as a PA, because I have been through the ringer, and I am very tired.

Everything she is saying to you is straight out of the wayward gospel.
Repeated here time and time again. This is the script you hear about, and she is reading from it verbatim. It almost sounds like the gaslighting script.

She wants you to stop, so she can continue her affair or not find out the filthy truth of it.

Your wife is going to work every day and having an affair with this man. She has found a new way to communicate with him outside of work, tough. Probably a burner phone. And you don't sense it because she is doing a good job of placating you and covering the evidence.

Anyway, as long as she works with the OM, all the need meeting and lovebuster avoiding in the world will not save your marriage. Recovery is IMPOSSIBLE as long as they work together. IMPOSSIBLE.

So if you want to save this you are going to have to get the evidence, expose the affair and demand she leave the job.

Sometime this week?

Gosh no, we did not mean to lay low for a few weeks to gather evidence. We meant a couple of DAYS, which means that you have to get the snooping stuff in place NOW.

Every hour that you allow this to continue NARROWS the chance that you will be able to win her back. Every HOUR that she has to think about her love for HIM means that your LoveBank with your wife diminishes while his increases.

It shouldn't take more than a couple of days to get the evidence.

So, I got home tonight, and was hit with something unexpected. My wife's work is doing a temporary layoff because they don't have enough work. I was planning on getting a VAR and putting it in her car. She could be off until August. What should I do?

Continue to follow through with the steps advised.

What???

Do you think contact will now stop just because she will not be possibly working thete for a brief amount of time?

LTL

In simpler terms. Put the VAR in her car.

Buy her a new cell phone pre-loaded with spyware.

Install a keylogger as suggested previously on the home computer she uses.

Now, when they do not mingle daily, she may try to amp up other means of connecting.

You continue to Plan A with Zero Love Busters.

LTL

So, last night my wife and I had a talk, and I don't know if this was wrong to do or not, and before I say what I did, just know that I was loving and calm in our discussion, and I was making sure to come across as a loving husband. The reason I say that I don't know if what I did was wrong, is because I kind of told a fib. I told my wife that I had come across some software that will make it possible to read her texts, Which I found out yesterday, that with her phone, this is impossible, but she doesn't know it can't be done. So I tell her that I have figured out how to view them, and I just want to give her the opportunity to tell me before hand if there is anything I am going to read, that she didn't tell me before. Instantly I could see in her eyes that she had concerns. Then she questioned how I could do it, and I had a brilliant sounding answer about how to access the phones internal SIM card, anyway, she must have believed me, because she started telling me all sorts of other details that she did not mention before. Before she would tell me each thing, she would say "Now promise you wont think different of me". Anyway she ended up going into a lot more detail about the content in the texts, and was specific to certain nights. Some of it was very painful for me to hear, but I felt like she was telling me all she could. She honestly believed that I would be reading these very things today, so she wanted to have the opportunity to warn me upfront.
So from what I learned last night, I have come to the conclusion that they did not have sex, and that they didn't kiss, but that my wife was definitely on the way there. She had told me before that she had been trying to get him to go to lunch with her, but this time she went into more detail about how she even asked for his address, so she could have a nap at his place after work before driving home(Yeah right, basically can I come over and have sex with you). She said he refused to give the address to her, and that he told her that if she did come over, he would not control himself. She said she was asking him these things to see if all he really wanted their friendship for, was for sex. So she said she asked him "if I asked you to have sex with me, Would you"? She said that he didn't answer at all, so after a while she replied "I guess not". She said that he had told her that he did not want things to go any further, because he was afraid he could lose his job.
So, at this point I have come to the conclusion that a PA did not take place, but I am dying inside knowing that my wife was pursuing it, and basically begging the guy to say he would sleep with her. Of course, she just says she wanted to see what he would say, but in my mind she basically told him she was ready to have sex with him. I am completely heart broken, and I can't bare the thought that my wife was willing to throw our marriage away. Even though I do not believe they had sex, it still hurts just as bad knowing some of these details.
So, I was very proud of myself for not reacting at all, and just listening, and being supportive. Believe me, my heart was about to explode, but I kept completely cool. I am still sticking to my plan. I am in full snooping mode. I am going to set up every form of surveillance I can come up with, because in my mind this could flare up again in a second. I want to be ready if and when it does.
Last night I asked her about a No Contact letter, and she says that we already did that through texts, and she didn't think it was necessary. When I insisted, and told her that it would mean a lot to me to know she was willing to do it, she got defensive, and said that I was just being controlling, and that she does not think she needs to do that. I am not stupid, and i know that this means she doesn't want to do it, because she is still basically in love with him. How do I get her to go through the steps of ending an affair, when she won't cooperate with any of them because she thinks I am just trying to degrade her?

Plain and simple - She is lying to you, knowing you would believe her and back off.

I wish I believed her, but I don't. I am sorry. She is doing what most waywards do and that is throw you a few choice crumbs in the hopes that you will back off. There are a few grains of truth in all that and she probably did go to his apartment. The way she communicated with him tells me they did have sex.

I don't see the point of a no contact letter if she still sees him at work.

I agree you should go forward with the snooping and if nothing comes up, to have her take a polygraph.

So what happens in August? She goes back to work with her OM? That is a deal killer.

It is clear she is trying to gaslight you. You made a tactical mistake as well because she told you some stuff and if you don't come up with the truth by reading her messages she will know you were bluffing.

C'mon dude, if a woman you were very attracted to asked you to have sex and go to your house would you turn her down? Her story doesn't add up and I am pretty convinced this has been a full-on PA.

You need to get proof, install spyware on the computer and put VAR in the living room, stick it to the bottom of the computer desk (velcro), etc.

If she is unwilling to write the NC letter and go full NC there is a reason.

Please read this. Please Explain Gaslighting

Think about that one. Allowing her to continue to work with this rat and enabling the affair is the thing that is degrading.