This past Saturday I discovered my husbands affair with the neighbor across the street. This site and it's advice has helped us move forward in a positive direction with guidance and an understanding of it all. I cant thank you enough for making this resource available to me during my time of crisis!

Hi Hopeful. Welcome to MB, and I'm glad to hear it is helping you! Can you tell us a little more about your situation?

Do you have kids? How old?
Have you exposed his affair? If so, to who?
Is he willing to write a No Contact letter that you will approve and send?
Are you willing to move to get away from the OW?

Here is a checklist for how affairs should end. Can you tell us which steps have been taken?
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Ugh, ok here it goes...

We just "celebrated" or 20th anniversary. Have been together, on and off since the age of 13. I am 44, he just turned 45. Daughter, 17, son, 10.

My family has been told and surprisingly supportive. No one in his family knows. My children know too. Perhaps a big mistake I may someday regret. I felt they needed to prepare for things that may be said where we live. I also, at that time, felt my husband had to be accountable, at all costs.

My husband, in my presence did tell the OW that it is over, no communication at all and that he wants to stay with me. So far they have both respected that.

The day after all of this came to light her father in law passed away (her husband has been out of town due to his ailing father. He is unaware of what is going on) and she has been gone. My biggest fear is her return! I actually don't think she will trigger him but rather ME!

I can't accept that I should be the one to move. My family has suffered enough. She has only suffered the loss of MY HUSBAND!

Ugh, so much pain. So blessed to be welcomed here. Thank you Prisca

Hopefullyme,

If I understand correctly, the OWH does not know about the affair?

If that is true gather all your evidence and without warnings, threats or telling ANYONE expose to the OWH. Without pausing expose to ALL of the OWs contacts work, church and family.

Do not tip anyone off, they will paint you as crazy and you will lose your advantage of surprise, please do not waver in this task.

God Bless
Gamma

Unfortunately, your suffering is far, far from over if you won't move. It is just beginning and you will likely end up divorced after going through much more hell. If you won't move, you are looking at YEARS more of this. I am so sorry. Moving away will be the least of your suffering. Every day you live there is another day your husband will be triggered, making recovery impossible.

The pain is just beginning if you won't move.

When will you be informing her husband?

I smell a set up. OW don't stand there and nod while they get dumped by the married man who has been using them for fun. It is fantastically common for affair partners to do the pretend break up thing.

He needs to send her a stiffly worded NC letter as it appears in the book and for his email/phone to be changed so she cannot reach him afterwards.

She is playing the noble mistress 'I don't want to break up your family (but I will be here waiting)' thing. She doesn't get to do that. She gets dumped by letter.

Then you all move away from the bad smell she exudes.



Thanks goodness you exposed to your children! So you are brave and honest. Great. Now expose to the others. The OP's spouse is being gaslighted into beleiveing you are a psycho as we speak so you need to get hold of him soon. Call your H's relatives and tell them too. He can handle it - he is a big boy. The fact they are not exposed, and she can still picture herself their daughter in law, to is a concern.

Not to mention exposure to OW's FB contacts if she has a page RIGHT NOW - go to her page and copy her friends list into a word doc. Hopefully it is not too late and she hasn't blocked you.



Right. You have. An affair is like a fire which ruins everything it touches. If it breaks out in the workplace, people have to quit their job. If it is with an in-law, families are divided forever. In a neighbourhood - call a realtor.

So you can crouch in the wreckage of the home, telling the fire damage it isn't welcome, awaiting the return of the arsonist, or you can get a new house.

I have the evidence. We unfriend and blocked her on facebook and I have his password.

She knows I have the control to ruin her marriage and that if she so much as looks at our house I will expose it all. She likely didn't fight back for that reason and she knows she lost. She knows he used her. She knows how deep our love runs. She knows she manipulated during a vulnerable time.

I don't see the good in putting her husband and children through this...not at this time anyway. I'm not a saint though. My other reason is I fear the OWHs reaction. If he causes a scene it will be at my family's expense. We have to live here, for now anyway. Once there is distance between us I will strongly reconsider exposing this.

Does this make sense or have I really lost my mind?

How would you feel if the OW's BH found out first and decided to keep you in the dark? He is the other victim here and it is cruel to not let him know. If he gets out of control, then you call the police.

I would have given anything for someone to have the decency to clue me in on my own FWH's affair.

I imagine he will be gutted just as you.

I did almost this same thing and it turned out to be a big mistake! I threatened the OM with exposure if he did not stay away. It did not work! I had everyone telling me I needed to expose it to the OMW and still I didn't do it because I thought it gave me some leverage. This didn't work in my case and it won't work in yours either.

You've got this wrong. NOT exposing is enabling OW to continue to pursue your WH and ruin BOTH of your marriages.

When I finally exposed to the OMW, she was GLAD that I had let her know.

This guy probably has an idea that something is wrong in his marriage but has no idea what it is. He may be blaming himself. This guy deserves to know the truth about what is going on.

It makes utterly no sense at all. You are setting yourself up for lifetime of holy hell that will lead to your H leaving you for the OW. The affair will become more and more entrenched as time goes on. You are going to put your family through immense suffering because you don't understand what you are dealing with. The affair will never end because your husband will be perpetually triggered until he leaves you for the OW.

Your marriage will NEVER recover this way. NEVER.


Would you use this excuse if his bookkeeper was stealing his money? Adultery is a much more serious crime than embezzlement. Ask yourself what kind of person keeps such a secret from a victim?

This man cannot protect himself and his children from your husband if he does not know. This man and his children are being assaulted behind their backs and you are refusing to WARN THEM? You are an enabler, Ma'am. You also become an ENABLER by not telling the OW's husband. To not tell him is cruel and manipulative and the longer you hide the affair for the OW and your H, the more RESENTMENT this man will feel at your secrecy.

Affairs thrive on secrecy so all you are doing is helping the AFFAIR. At the expense of the OW's husband, children and your own marriage.

Ugh, you are all killing me! But I know you are all right. They are out of town. Maybe be back this weekend.

Should I tell him privately or we tell him? His father just died, ugh!

I honestly can't bare to have him react by killing him. All the neighbors involved, I just don't know about right now!

Go tell the OWH privately without warning your husband or the OW. Keep in mind that the OWH is the victim NOT YOUR HUSBAND.

Tell your other neighbors too.

I would also get a plan going TODAY to move. Even if you have to rent out your house to get out of there, you have to do it. And I don't mean moving 10 blocks away, but move far away.

Don't keep this affair a secret anymore. That just harms your husband and the OW. Affairs thrive on secrecy.

You should not enable the affair.

So you are choosing to have enduring pain, and be exposed to ongoing triggers for you and your husband for the rest of your life.
Is that really what you want to do???

If the OWH hears it from you first, he will be much less likely to harm your husband. If he finds out on his own - and he will soon enough!!!! - then all bets are off.

As the affair progresses - WHICH IT WILL AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THERE - the chances of him catching them greatly increases with every passing day. You will just be sitting there on a ticking time bomb that will erupt at any moment. And he will have no mercy for you and your family when he finds out you participated in the cover up!!

It is in your best interest to make sure he knows ASAP.

You're talking nonsense. He is a grown-up family man who will simply hear you out and share your own devastation. It is just fear talking. You would be doing him a service, ending his wife's affair and you will be lying to him and keeping it alive if you don't.

You wouldn't have freaked out and persecuted his home if he had been the one to expose to you. You would have thanked him; albeit a bit grimly. Why does everyone think the BS is going to turn psychotic? Even people who have had their own Ddays!

As Melody Lane says, he WILL find out anyway. The truth floats, so I suggest you find your nerve.

This is exactly true. She now knows that they are busted, and so she IS doing this. She will see nothing wrong with spinning it all to demonize you in order to protect herself.

If there is a way to contact the other BS sooner than when he arrives back home, do it. For all you know, he may decide to take his own marriage protection so seriously that they never come back!

Knowing what I know now, that is what I would do. A house, a job, a neighborhood, money, NOTHING is as important as protecting your marriage.

Contact the other BS as soon as possible, and also finish the rest of your exposure. Have your husband hand-write a no contact letter. And make plans to MOVE.