What to Do with an Alcoholic Spouse
Letter #1
By Dr. Harley Link to Letter re: alcoholic spouse Introduction: Alcohol addiction is a clear example of what I call a Love Buster because it causes so much suffering in marriage. Besides being physically and emotionally harmful to alcoholics themselves, addiction is also harmful to those whose lives touch them. Addiction makes people insensitive to the feelings of those who care most for them, and they will stop at nothing to feed their addiction. I am witness to many people whose lives have been ruined because they married alcoholics.
Alcoholics commonly engage in their most painful habits while under the influence. Acts of infidelity are common. The fact that he or she is drunk at the time is no consolation to a grief-stricken spouse.
Women often suffer cruel physical and emotional abuse from their alcoholic husbands. Even when he is not overtly abusive, he's often disgusting in the way he talks and behaves when he's drunk.
Children of alcoholics, particularly girls, suffer greatly from the emotional turmoil of their childhood. Mental health clinics throughout America are aware of the high percentage of their female clients who have had alcoholic fathers. A survey conducted by an Iowa mental health clinic found that about 70 percent of the daughters of alcoholic fathers had been sexually molested at least once by their intoxicated fathers.
Wives of alcoholics usually know about their husbands' sexually abusive behavior toward their daughters and offer themselves as "bait" to prevent their abuse. The pain suffered by these women in the privacy of their bedrooms, during these frightening sexual encounters, is extraordinary.
Many of you who were raised by a parent who was addicted to alcohol can testify to the nightmare that it brought to your family.
One of the first things I do when couples see me for counseling is to evaluate them for drug and alcohol addiction. If I feel that either is addicted at the time, I refer the addicted spouse to a treatment program. The Love Buster, drug or alcohol addiction, will prevent them from resolving their marital conflicts because it controls them. It must be eliminated before marital therapy has any hope of being successful.My job as a marriage counselor begins after successful treatment and sobriety. If the addicted spouse refuses treatment, then I direct the unaddicted spouse to Alanon or some other support group for spouses of alcoholics. Sometimes, I encourage an intervention.
That's what I learned to do after discovering that an alcoholic is so much in love with alcohol, that while in the state of addiction, there is no way for them to consider their spouse's feelings whenever they make decisions, a necessary condition for a great marriage. Alcohol always comes first, even when it is at the spouse's expense.
But even after sobriety is achieved, it's an uphill battle for the couple. The spouses of alcoholics are usually so relieved when treatment is successful that they often think their marital troubles are over. It's true, addiction makes it impossible to resolve marital conflicts. But sobriety itself doesn't solve them -- it simply makes them solvable. Once addiction is overcome, a couple is faced with the legions of other Love Busters that were ignored in the shadow of addiction or were created by addiction.
Some people wonder if they are really alcoholics. They may not go to bars, and they may not even get drunk very often. What is an alcoholic? My definition of an alcoholic is someone who cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement because of their craving for alcohol. If your drinking in any form bothers your spouse, and you cannot or will not give it up for his or her sake, I consider you an alcoholic because alcohol is more important to you than the feelings of your spouse.
This week, I am posting three letters from victims of addiction. Each one provides a different perspective on this marital problem that is very difficult to solve.
