I'm 32, my husband's 34, and we have a 4-year-old son. I'm from the UK, live in the East Midlands.
I recently found out he'd been having an affair with my mother since April 2011; he confessed it to me last Wednesday over the phone. My mum threw my dad out and he's moved in with me; and my husband's moved in with my mum now. This happened about 6 weeks ago and since then I've been feeling really down.
We've been married since July 2008, dated for 3 1/2 years before getting married.
I'm divorcing him, but as for my husband wanting to see his son/access to see his son, well, that's problematic, as he wants to move our son in with him and my mum. Won't this be weird - his grandma is also his stepmum too? My husband is the biological father of our son, in case anyone asks.
I feel sick, upset, humiliated etc. - words can't describe the rush of emotions going through me.
We live in a small village in the East Midlands where (almost) everyone knows everyone else.
It's been an open secret for some time, it's like they knew but didn't tell me or my dad, I feel sick, angry, frustrated.
What will be it be like for them when reality hits - dealing with things like bills, laundry, daily life etc.? What effect is this going to have on my family?
I am able to cope with the practical side, i.e. divorce, but coping with the emotional and family side is proving a lot harder.
Advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.
**on shared public computers, so sorry to rush this**

sphere, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so very sorry for your dilemma. I would most definitely not allow your child to move in with your husband. I would take this a step further and move to another town so you are not constantly running into your mother and husband. MOVE NOW before you are legally constrained.

I would go into Plan B asap and implement a completely dark separation. You need to get the book Surviving an Affair and read it so you can understand the dynamics of this affair. It is downloadable from amazon.com.

You should also expose the affair to everyone who doesn't know. Please go read my exposure 101 thread linked in my signature.

You will need to expose to your whole family and let them know they can never invite you to anything that includes your mother or your XH. That would be like asking you to have dinner with your rapist. Don't do it.

We are so sorry about your double betrayel.
Two people who ought to protect and love you abusing their positions and banding together to do so.

You will need to go Plan B with your husband and your Mother.

Perhaps your Father and you and the children can move away to somewhere that won't be a living nightmare in proximity to the abuse of betrayal. Talk to your Father about whether he is willing to go with you or if he is going to stay in the mess.
Take your children with you.

Talk to legal counsel about protecting your custody of them! Also talk to legal counsel about protecting your finances. Then do what you need to do!

Besides the husband and Mom betrayal you have also been betrayed by your village. You and your son are not safe there. I'm sorry.

Welcome to MB. I'm from the UK too and exposed in a close knit community (though not as small as a village).

I must say how sorry I am for your double betrayal. Do take good care of your health, eating and sleeping in this perilous time.

I echo the need for exposure - that's your priority. Do a full blown exposure as outlined in Melody Lane's thread. I realise 'everyone knows' but they don't know your part in it or that you are in need of their help.

Typical exposure letters say 'help me save my marriage' but since the pressing need is to avoid exposing your children to the ongoing affair between your mother and husband - I would say as much plainly. Say you are hoping to protect your children from seeing their grandmother become stepmum and hope they will do what they can.

Affairs fall apart from shame and this is what you need to do to protect the kids from the Franken-step-grand-ma mixture.

I'm a reporter in the UK too so don't get wowed by any legal threats. It's not illegal to tell the truth about your life.

Also - MOVE.

You will probably find your neighbours are dying to help the kids in this situation but simply don't know how. They are probably dumbstruck by this situation.

And why expose even if you have no desire to save your M? (For which I do NOT blame you at all!)

Your WH is a part of your DS's life for some time to come. He'll be the sorriest excuse for a dad you can imagine till the A is over and the fog starts to clear. You can (and should!!) keep this perverted OW out of your son's life forever and always even when the A ends, but by helping to make sure it ends and you have much-needed support, you're making your son's future more secure.

Feelings of shame are normal, but refuse to let them stay. You've done nothing wrong, and the sick, twisted existence of these people who were close to you doesn't reflect on who you are at all. Anyone who thinks you're somehow tainted because someone else chose evil...you didn't need them for a friend, anyway. Anyone who doesn't fully support you, your dad, and your son, you don't need them, either.

You're going to recover from this, one step at a time. You can do it.

Thanks for all your advice so far.
However, I can add, I got another phone call, at 5am in the morning, saying he wants to see our son this weekend.
Also, when the "affair fog" wears off, what will reality be like for them, with day-to-day life together etc.?

Did you read our posts?

It never will wear off until you expose and time is ticking. Until you expose it's all "la, la, la my grandkids don't mind I am the mistress. La, la, la my neighbours haven't noticed I am living with my MiL. La, la, la - everybody wants me to be happy and stay in my bubble"

The longer you let them think la-la land is reality the more entrenched it becomes.

You should be fighting tooth and nail to prevent your children ever going anywhere near an active affair much less overnight - the example this sets for affairs being OK is horrendous.

I also wouldn't be a bit surprised if the pressure hasn't started to mount to make you into the 'best friend of the affair'.

They will be performing a mantra of 'we must stay friends and hold hands and sing cumbaya around the campfire' to you and your dad - completely oblivious that the knife is still in your back.

This is so that a) they can show the kids affairs are OK ('if you're really in love, darling') and that b) the neighbours will care less if it looks like you could care less.

If however you were to expose and tell your friends you are heartbroken it would leave all their plans in a pile of steaming ash.

Sphere,

Given how horrific this affair is, your children need to be told, the affair needs to be widely exposed and either you or your WH need to move away. You can't continue to live like this and be punished on an hourly basis for the rest of your life when you were not the one who committed the crime.

Very sorry for what you are going through.

God Bless
Gamma

I've started the slow process of exposure. I phoned my sister on Wednesday and let her know. I'll be letting my other three sisters know over the coming days.

However, we've got a big family function coming up; my cousin's 25th wedding anniversary, she's got a bash with disco on etc., and everyone in our family's going, unfortunately my husband and my mum are there - my mum and dad got tickets, and I can't really back out of it, we got our tickets for it about 4 weeks ago, so I have to go.

How should I cope now?

Please read this and listen to the clips.
Husband's Affair with My Sister

Exposure should never be a slow process. It is very counterproductive to approach it that way. You should identify all the exposure targets, and then do it all at once.

Let the ENTIRE family know in advance of this event. You should expose the affair to all family members as soon as possible. Call them all today.

AM

AM

sphere, first off, exposure needs to be done in one day. So finish that up pronto.

And let your family know you will not be attending any events where your creepy mother and husband are in attendance. They need to stop doing this now out of resepct for you and your children.

You can call your cousin and tell her about the affair and why you won't be attending. Plan to send her a gift.

You should NEVER expose yourself to your mother and your husband again. If you have family members that invite flagrant adulterers to their family events, you should probably cross them off your list too.

If you expose right TODAY - they won't want to go. Have you read the thread and how tos in Melody Lanes sig?

They have phones and FB right? Get it done!

And if they go, you don't. That simple. You have kids, and can't afford to damage your health and mind that way.