Hi all,
Some of you may remember me as dogfood (I created a new account as I don't remember the password and the email address that I used for it is no longer valid) 7 years (almost 8) ago when I went thru a very bad time when my wife at the time cheated on me with out upstairs neighbor.

Fast forward....and now the boat I am in sunk and I am the cause.
I met someone after the divorce and we were together 6 years or so and guess who had the affair. Yup...me. Like a jerk.

We were married in 2011 and I had the affair the following summer of 2012. My soon to be ex and I tried working on rebuilding afterwards up until this January, when she finally asked me to leave. After that, I moved from California to Florida. We kept in contact via phone, text message and email.
I still held on hope that maybe....just maybe we could work something out. In May of this year, I traveled from Florida to Oregon (where I will be working for the summer) and made a stop over in California. She actually requested I stop by. We spent a couple of evenings together having dinner and hanging out. When I left for Oregon she hugged my tightly and said said thru her tears that she loved me. I told her I loved her too and that was the last time I saw her.

During my time in Oregon, I received divorce papers and am not contesting it. We still kept in contact via text messages.
Then yesterday I received an email from her stating that she no longer wants to communicate because she has conflicting feelings as she is starting to date again.

It kind of threw me for a loop and I have been pretty depressed because of it even though I have known since January it was pretty much over.

The details of the affair are this (since I know it will be asked). My work takes me away for extended periods of time. Sometimes a month at a whack. During one of these work excursions I met a woman and well...had the affair. It lasted 10 days and was over. I cut off communication with her, blocked her phone number and email address so I wouldn't hear from her. I still maintain that to this day.

My wife (soon to be ex) was, of course, devastated with news.
We tried. We went to couples therapy, workshops. For awhile, it seemed like it might work. But it didn't.

During the last two years, I have been in a depression. Sometimes it is worse, other times I feel almost normal but with underlying sadness.

Twice during the two years, I had suicidal thoughts. I had them yesterday and for most of today...though they are subsiding now.

I have been seeing a therapist for the past 18 months.
One of things I can't get over is the fact I cheated on her. I know first hand the pain, embarrassment, humiliation, how it traumatizes one. I knew all this, yet I did it anyway.

My soon to be ex said she has (recently, actually) forgiven me for the affair. She said I am a good person who made a bad decision. My therapist has asked why I haven't forgiven myself. And I just can't seem to.

I am scared of being alone for the rest of my life. I'm 42 now. Who is going to want to date a man who is twice divorced and who cheated on his last wife? Ugh. I'm an idiot.

Look, I'm not asking for sympathy. You can berate me if you want. But, for those who have committed adultery, how did you move past it and moved forward?
I've been stagnant with this since it has happened, which I feel contributed to the failed attempt at reconciliation.

I don't know. I feel lost. Since the affair, I have isolated myself to the point I have no longer have any friends. I have buddies that I hang out with occasionally, but no true friends. I no longer have contact with anyone from my family.
I just work, eat sleep.

I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this post, so if someone wants to move it that's fine.

Thank you for letting me vent.

Your original thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=140218&Number=1806233#Post1806233

That was fast!

Dogfood,

The reason why you had an affair was due to lack of boundaries.
Dr. Harley states that spouses should NEVER spend a night apart, and you were spending up to a month apart.
You created conditions which led to an affair.

Moving to from California to Florida was not a strategic move to save your marriage. Now your wife is apparently seeing another man and involved in her own affair.

What would you like to do? Save your marriage? Divorce?

EDIT: In glancing through your old thread I see you work in aviation. Airlines are full of affairs and Dr. Harley has mentioned this on his Radio Show.

Your biggest obstacle to marriage is your career. For marriages to remain romantic, Dr. Harley states that couples should spend 15 hours together doing activities they both enjoy. As stated earlier, they should also never be separated at night. Even bedtimes should be the same.

Harley counsels couples to make their entire life (kids career etc) revolve around those precious 15 hours of Undivided Attention. It appears that you have tried to make your marriage and life revolve around your career.

The marriage is over, there is no saving it. As to what led to the affair, yea..being apart definitely had the major role in it. But sometimes life and having to earn a living gets in the way of what one wants. My job is one where I have to go where I am needed.

What I am looking for is to know how to move forward from here. How to get past the fact I had an affair and hurt someone whom I loved.
Like I said, this may have been the wrong board to post it on but am not sure where to go.

Also, I don't fly for the airlines. I'm a crop duster.

Questions:

Was your affair exposed to family and friends?

Was the OW married? Does her husband know?

Did the affair take place in the workplace? Was the employer informed?

Do you have any contact with this woman?



Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley?

Sir, you can make amends by apologizing and exposing to family and friends if you have not already done so.

No, it was not exposed in the way it is suggested here. I ended it before I returned home.

The OW was single.

It took place at the work place. I'm pretty sure the bossman knew what was up.

I do not have contact with her and haven't since the affair ended.

If you want to make amends, expose the affair to family and friends. Let them know the real reason for the divorce.

Sounds good on paper, but I no longer have friends nor do I speak to my family (what's left of them). I haven't since it has happened.

If you want to proceed with divorce, make sure you have a good attorney.
Also, you may want to visit your family doctor and tell him/her that you had an affair and are going through divorce.
The doctor may be able to prescribe an anti depressant drug.

I've come to terms with the fact I am getting a divorce. I've had 7 months to think about that. An attorney isn't necessary as it is an uncontested divorce.
Anti-depressants and my career don't mix, so that is out too.

Oh well...

Have you been tested for STD/I?

Yes, full panel. All negative.

I guess maybe I put this in the wrong board?

Anyway, I posted on MB as a confession, too. When I was the betrayed spouse, I found MB and posted my story and received huge amounts of support.
I feel that now that I had an affair, that I let everyone down.
For that, I am sorry.

Sir apologize to your family and friends and let them know why you are getting divorced.
You owe it to your wife

I guess you are missing the point I no longer have friends as I have alienated my self from them. Same thing with my sister, whom I have never really been close with to begin with.

I have acquaintances whom I work with (not the company I was with when the affair happened..I no longer am in contact with them), but there is no emotional attachment to them. They really could not care about my private life and they have never met my wife.

I have apologized to her family (parents and sister).

This is a sad update. I read your earlier thread from your first marriage.

Was alcohol involved in your affair? Seems crazy that you'd let yourself fall into that but you did and you'll have to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

Wallowing in your own pain seems counter productive. A lot of waywards feel terrible (because having an affair is terrible!) but it seems self indulgent really.

Jedi is right about your job not being marriage friendly. I imagine you have a lot to ponder. Don't let your self loathing eat you up for long. Learn, grow and go forward.