Hello, this is my first post, although I have been lurking on the website for a couple years now. I have been married for 19 years.

I had an affair with a co-worker that lasted over two years. It started in April 2010. The lies and betrayal to my husband were huge, as I moved in with the co-worker while telling my husband I was just renting a room to be closer to work during the week. I no longer work with the co-worker, as he lost his job, but I do still work at the same company.

I finally confessed all of this to my stunned hubby in June 2012. Then I moved out of the affair house, and into another house while trying to figure out if I wanted to work on the marriage.

I finally moved back in with my BH last March (2013), but it has not gone well. He is now intent on divorce and so I moved out again, and he has rented his own place and we are now meeting with attorneys and figuring out divorce terms.

In October 2013, BH started telling lies about absolutely everything, and has also been screaming at me almost daily where I would end up with a horrible headache from all the abuse. He has thrown the affair in my face every single day that I lived with him again. I have also participated in bringing up past grievances which I felt led to the affair. Such as him starting a private email account so he could email secretly to a lesbian he met online. I found the emails back in 2009 and he had been very disrespectful to me in the emails, and was showering his new online friend with "stunningly beautiful sweetheart honeybunch" compliments.

I was devastated by the emails, and he quickly closed the account back in 2009. Also, in 2007, he stopped coming to bed with me. We would sleep in the same bed, but he wanted to come to bed a few hours after me. I am quite sure he has had a porn habit since then. Recently he was looking at porn almost daily.

BH is saying he has PTSD from the affair, and he wants out of all the pain to be alone. However, I found some skanky photos on his computer which he saved while I had moved out briefly in April 2014. Also, a text message from a co-worker appeared on his phone one Sunday morning at 6:45 in the morning. And he has been telling so many lies. I found out he went to strip clubs in February when he was on a business trip out of state, I only found out because I asked to see his personal bank statements as part of the divorce.

The lies actually started before we were married over 19 years ago. He has also always flirted with other women and been obsessed/enchanted with female musicians to the point of writing about them in a journal and buying items online to put together a photo collage to send to them...it is a bit creepy I think. I have always felt like I played second fiddle to his secrets and obsessions and I think I am sick of it.

I have been begging him not to divorce since October 2013 when I sensed he had perhaps given up. But he is not giving in and is proceeding to divorce. I am not sure what on earth I am trying to hold on to here, as the disconnect goes back many years.

We have no children, and I am just trying to get through the pain of the pending divorce.

Welcome to MB.

Do you have any spyware on his devices now?

Was the OM married that you had the affair with?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

No spyware.

OM was going through divorce when affair started.

Yes, we have the book SAA, I think it is too late now to fix, hubby is insistent on divorce and has been telling lies about everything, even small meaningless things. He claims he wants out due to all the pain.

I am not sure if there is anything left to save, as I have not felt safe with or trusted bh in many years, although he claims he never strayed.

Also, he is adamant about divorce.

So you're entire post was about your H mistreating you even though you did the single worst thing one could do to their spouse. It seems like you came back and blamed the A on your BH and have taken no/little accountability.

As much as you deluded yourself to believe your A was your BH's fault it wasn't. You had control of your actions and you made the choices.

You need to get the book SAA and learn how to provide just compensation. Your BH's resentment is such that he doesn't love you anymore because you have provided him no just compensation for your A.

H2D,

Both yourself and your husband are committing terrible lovebusters and destroying the marriage. Neither care for the welfare of the marriage itself.

There is no justification for an affair. Its selfish and the worst most damaging thing you can do to your spouse.

You have yet to fully grasp this. Neither of you have set extraordinary precautions around OS relationships. Neither has committed to creating a new marriage.

It sounds like you want to stay married. Are you at least ready to work on your own side of the fence? Learn what it takes? Start there at least.

Your husband is still your husband, snoop and expose his affair. Start w/Plan A. This is the carrot and stick of plan A.

Which means MARRIED. He was married just like you.


That is his prerogative. If I were you, I would respect his decision to get out of this marriage. It sounds to me like divorce is the definition of success here. Since he is satan incarnate, according to your description, it seems like you welcome divorce?

Are you seeking help here? For what issue?

Since he is not willing to work on the marriage, and since he is abusive, I suggest you get a divorce. You cannot force him into recovery. As a woman, you cannot woo him back. He has to WANT to save the marriage.

I guess I should just let him have the divorce, I keep resisting it and thinking there must be a way to fix this.

I am willing to work on my side of the fence, and I do not think bh is satan.

I would say that your only hope is to show him this plan and see if he is willing to work it. But if he is not, you cannot make him. And you cannot recover your marriage on your own.

Have you shown him this website?

Do you have children?

No children.

Please answer this.

I showed him an article on website about overcoming resentment and have mentioned to him that I had spoken with Steve Harley. He is aware of the concepts but is mad at me for not implementing dr. Harley recommendations immediately after affair was confessed.

I also downloaded he wins she wins audiobook for him but he refuses to listen.

Now I am scared to send him to website as he will find out I know about the photos on his computer.

Will he speak to Dr. Harley with you?

I am going to ask him to speak with Steve before proceeding with divorce.

If he refuses then I think that will be the end and I need help accepting the divorce.

How long has he been aware of Marriage Builders?
Did he ask you to implement Dr. Harley's rules and concepts after your affair died?