Hello, this is my first post, although I have been lurking on the website for a couple years now. I have been married for 19 years.

I had an affair with a co-worker that lasted over two years. It started in April 2010. The lies and betrayal to my husband were huge, as I moved in with the co-worker while telling my husband I was just renting a room to be closer to work during the week. I no longer work with the co-worker, as he lost his job, but I do still work at the same company.

I finally confessed all of this to my stunned hubby in June 2012. Then I moved out of the affair house, and into another house while trying to figure out if I wanted to work on the marriage.

I finally moved back in with my BH last March (2013), but it has not gone well. He is now intent on divorce and so I moved out again, and he has rented his own place and we are now meeting with attorneys and figuring out divorce terms.

In October 2013, BH started telling lies about absolutely everything, and has also been screaming at me almost daily where I would end up with a horrible headache from all the abuse. He has thrown the affair in my face every single day that I lived with him again. I have also participated in bringing up past grievances which I felt led to the affair. Such as him starting a private email account so he could email secretly to a lesbian he met online. I found the emails back in 2009 and he had been very disrespectful to me in the emails, and was showering his new online friend with "stunningly beautiful sweetheart honeybunch" compliments.

I was devastated by the emails, and he quickly closed the account back in 2009. Also, in 2007, he stopped coming to bed with me. We would sleep in the same bed, but he wanted to come to bed a few hours after me. I am quite sure he has had a porn habit since then. Recently he was looking at porn almost daily.

BH is saying he has PTSD from the affair, and he wants out of all the pain to be alone. However, I found some skanky photos on his computer which he saved while I had moved out briefly in April 2014. Also, a text message from a co-worker appeared on his phone one Sunday morning at 6:45 in the morning. And he has been telling so many lies. I found out he went to strip clubs in February when he was on a business trip out of state, I only found out because I asked to see his personal bank statements as part of the divorce.

The lies actually started before we were married over 19 years ago. He has also always flirted with other women and been obsessed/enchanted with female musicians to the point of writing about them in a journal and buying items online to put together a photo collage to send to them...it is a bit creepy I think. I have always felt like I played second fiddle to his secrets and obsessions and I think I am sick of it.

I have been begging him not to divorce since October 2013 when I sensed he had perhaps given up. But he is not giving in and is proceeding to divorce. I am not sure what on earth I am trying to hold on to here, as the disconnect goes back many years.

We have no children, and I am just trying to get through the pain of the pending divorce.

Welcome to MB.

Do you have any spyware on his devices now?

Was the OM married that you had the affair with?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

No spyware.

OM was going through divorce when affair started.

Yes, we have the book SAA, I think it is too late now to fix, hubby is insistent on divorce and has been telling lies about everything, even small meaningless things. He claims he wants out due to all the pain.

I am not sure if there is anything left to save, as I have not felt safe with or trusted bh in many years, although he claims he never strayed.

Also, he is adamant about divorce.

So you're entire post was about your H mistreating you even though you did the single worst thing one could do to their spouse. It seems like you came back and blamed the A on your BH and have taken no/little accountability.

As much as you deluded yourself to believe your A was your BH's fault it wasn't. You had control of your actions and you made the choices.

You need to get the book SAA and learn how to provide just compensation. Your BH's resentment is such that he doesn't love you anymore because you have provided him no just compensation for your A.

H2D,

Both yourself and your husband are committing terrible lovebusters and destroying the marriage. Neither care for the welfare of the marriage itself.

There is no justification for an affair. Its selfish and the worst most damaging thing you can do to your spouse.

You have yet to fully grasp this. Neither of you have set extraordinary precautions around OS relationships. Neither has committed to creating a new marriage.

It sounds like you want to stay married. Are you at least ready to work on your own side of the fence? Learn what it takes? Start there at least.

Your husband is still your husband, snoop and expose his affair. Start w/Plan A. This is the carrot and stick of plan A.

Which means MARRIED. He was married just like you.


That is his prerogative. If I were you, I would respect his decision to get out of this marriage. It sounds to me like divorce is the definition of success here. Since he is satan incarnate, according to your description, it seems like you welcome divorce?

Are you seeking help here? For what issue?

Since he is not willing to work on the marriage, and since he is abusive, I suggest you get a divorce. You cannot force him into recovery. As a woman, you cannot woo him back. He has to WANT to save the marriage.

I guess I should just let him have the divorce, I keep resisting it and thinking there must be a way to fix this.

I am willing to work on my side of the fence, and I do not think bh is satan.

I would say that your only hope is to show him this plan and see if he is willing to work it. But if he is not, you cannot make him. And you cannot recover your marriage on your own.

Have you shown him this website?

Do you have children?

No children.

Please answer this.

I showed him an article on website about overcoming resentment and have mentioned to him that I had spoken with Steve Harley. He is aware of the concepts but is mad at me for not implementing dr. Harley recommendations immediately after affair was confessed.

I also downloaded he wins she wins audiobook for him but he refuses to listen.

Now I am scared to send him to website as he will find out I know about the photos on his computer.

Will he speak to Dr. Harley with you?

I am going to ask him to speak with Steve before proceeding with divorce.

If he refuses then I think that will be the end and I need help accepting the divorce.

How long has he been aware of Marriage Builders?
Did he ask you to implement Dr. Harley's rules and concepts after your affair died?

There is a way to have a loving romantic marriage if both partners agree to follow the recovery plan in Surviving an Affair (by Dr. Willard Harley).

Was your affair exposed?
Does the betrayed wife know of your affair?

That is the best you can do.

Yes, he did ask me to implement, but I was fogged out and still working with OM.

BH gave up on us last October and I have been begging and pleading since then to no avail.

htd, the above comment is what would cause me to move on if I were in his shoes. If he came here and told us all this, I would tell him to run for his life. Blaming him for your affair should be a huge red flag to him that your affairing days are not over. If you are not responsible for your affair in the past, then he has no protection in the future.

The reason you had an affair is because you have pisspoor boundaries around men. He could have been meeting your needs 100% and treating you like the Queen of Sheba and you still would have had an affair.

All the need meetin in the world won't overcome poor boundaries. You allowed someone else's husband to meet your needs which led to an affair. Your husband would be CRAZY to even consider a future with you unless you make radical changes in that department.

So, I would start there along with trying to show a modicum of remorse. MY GOD. You show no remorse at all. A person who is sorry for their actions doesn't cite the wrongdoing of others.

If you don't take any responsibility for your affair, blame your husband and have utterly no remorse, then how are you a safe person? Given what I would read here, your husband should rightly conclude that a future with you will be a lifetime of more affairs.

Are you an alcoholic?

No I am not alcoholic.

Do you have issues with compulsive behavior?

I probably do have issues with compulsive behavior. Also have bad history of anxiety and depression. When affair started, BH and I had just lost a bunch of rental properties from recession and were in middle of filing for bankruptcy.

Your husband may decide to get divorced and you should know Dr Harley would support that decision if it is his choice.

However, if I were you and I was serious about saving my marriage, I would stop the blame shifting and go to your husband with a plan that is designed to protect him from future affairs if he decides to stay married.

That starts by taking accountability for your affair. If you are not accountable, then he will always be at risk. So that is where it has to begin. I would take responsibility, admit you have poor boundaries around men and produce a plan to change all this. Otherwise he would be crazy to drop the divorce.

And don't get me wrong, your husband was partially responsible for the problems in the marriage. [so you are you] You are 100% responsible for your affair. If you had not allowed a married man to meet your needs, it would have never happened.

Yes my affair was exposed, BH immediately told his mom, and he made me tell my parents. My boss knows, and many of our friends know.

If you have been lurking for a couple years, what have you done in the form of JC towards your BH? Begging and pleading after he FINALLY gave up is not going to do anything. Do you understand the MB basic concepts?

I have not read a single word from you about any good qualities your husband has either. The way you describe him, I have no idea why you want to stay married to him if he is so horrible and creepy. I agree with Melody that you should not fight the divorce if that is what he has decided. As Melody already pointed out, you have not taken responsibility for your affair. This may be a case of too little too late.

Welcome to MB

Have you told your affair partners wife?
If not, you should tell her and apologize.

My husband has many amazing qualities, he is brilliant, a good provider, and used to be a kind man until he found out about affair. Now he is very angry, bitter and resentful.

As far as JC, I have offered to get another job closer to BH job so I won't be triggered constantly, I even interviewed for a few jobs, but nothing has come of it. Now he is not even interested when I tell him I will get a closer job. I have worked to meet BH needs more so lately, but again he is not interested.

I did text husband tonite to tell him I know the affair was my fault and that I have poor boundaries and he was grateful to hear this. I also asked him if we could learn to meet each others needs and stop hurting each other. And I suggested we work with Steve Harley, but BH did not answer about the needs or Steve Harley.

I think this might be too little too late.

No, I did not tell OM wife, she was in her own affair at the time and is going to be marrying her AP from what I last heard.

Well, you may have heard wrong.
When my wife was having her affair she told me that OM wife was cruel and a lesbian...well it was a lie.

You should own up to your behavior and write a letter of apology to the woman.

JC isn't a tit for tat type deal. You should try to find another job anyways. Whether your BH expresses so or not. As for OM wife you should let her know even if you "heard" she was in an affair this is an passive attempt to protect OM from the consequences of his affair with you and trust me your BH ses it that way as well. That woman has the right to know her husband cannot be trusted around the opposite sex as your affair is proof of that.

Also please stop the "woe is me act" and show a little empathy for your BH. No one made you have an affair, temptation reared its ugly head and your as an adult made that choice.

The lack of empathy shown here is breathtaking.

I understand that I chose to have an affair, no one made me do it.

And the harm it has caused my husband is severe.

I had a session with Steve Harley this morning, and he is helping me realize this is all my doing. I am taking responsibility for my actions.

Please continue to consult with Steve. Your on the right trail.

Have you seen this?
What is Just Compensation?

Did your husband post here?

No he hasn't posted here. I am going to ask him to speak with Steve Harley before proceeding with divorce. Hopefully he will agree.

Thanks for the JC link, I will check it out after work today.

You're welcome.


When you get a chance listen to the clips also. Let us know what you think.

Hubby has agreed to speak with Steve!!!! Happily surprised here!!!

I have been listening to the JC clips and reading some of the articles.

So JC seems to be creating extraordinary precautions, eliminating conditions that led to affair, and creating a romantic relationship to meet emotional needs of husband.

Is this correct?

Yes Ma'am! Here is one of Dr Harley's articles about just compensation: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

When will you two be talking to Steve?

Early Monday, BH will go first then I will follow up with Steve.

I told BH if he doesn't like the program that Steve is offering, then we can proceed with divorce.

I think the MB program is the only thing that could save us now.

Neither one of us wants to be anywhere near the marriage that is now in place or even the pre-affair marriage. I want an intimate connected marriage, not the old pre-affair disconnected marriage we had for many years.

I have always heard good things about Steve and his sister.

Steve has been very helpful for me, hopefully he can help my sweet BH too.

What did he tell you?

BH had a nice talk with Steve, but is once again insisting on divorce.

I told him I would implement boundaries and precautions and am taking responsibility for the affair.

I also told him I feel our marriage is worth giving the marriage builders plan a real chance to help us create a safe honest romantic love marriage.

BH says he is still considering what Steve told him but that he feels we are on two different paths at this time and wants to file for divorce so the pain will end.

I think I should stop contacting him, as I have begged and pleaded for 9 months now and it hasn't worked.

Very sad here but it was my own actions that ruined this marriage.

Where are you at in the divorce proceedings?

I also think BH may secretly be planning to date someone else, although he claims he wants to be alone.

I know he looks at porn almost everyday and saved some skanky photos on his computer. The photos were texted to his phone a few months ago.

Should I confront him about the photos or just let him go so he can find peace with someone new?

No papers have been filed yet, but we have each spoken with separate attorneys as well as one joint meeting with a mediator. Steve was my final hope and he did a great job but BH has been done since last October.