I'm brand new to this forum, so forgive me for not knowing the acronyms and customary information to provide. I have a friend who has confided in me some shocking information about her personal life. My friend is a 50 year old female, married to the same man for 25 years, elementary school teacher, successful in her career, upper middle class, attends church each week, 2 wonderful kids in college, and had a great upbringing by Godly parents. Her husband is a devoted, good guy, however, he's emotionally challenged and socially very introverted. He has great difficulty expressing or hearing emotional feedback. She married him thinking he would change.

After 10 years of a happy marriage, she felt the need to bring closure with an old boyfriend from her dating days. This old boyfriend was her one true love but because there was never an opportunity for them to truly connect given she was about 5 years older, the relationship never blossomed and never closed properly in her view. She initiated contact with him and he was receptive in an effort to bring closure. For 2 years, they spoke almost daily via the phone or email. They met face to face on several occasions. There was no sexual contact but there was kissing and embracing. Finally, she felt the closure had been accomplished. She also felt shame and regret due to this secret relationship. She revealed the contact with this old flame to her husband without the knowledge of the boyfriend. Her husband was destroyed by the revelation from this great hurt. Nevertheless, they sought counseling which she found helpful but less so for him. For several years, the husband was depressed and withdrawn emotionally from her even more so than before. During those years, she delved into the internet world where she met many men in chat rooms and had sexual conversations. Ultimately she met many of these men .... upwards of 25 different men with whom she had sexual contact. Probably at least 50 different encounters with these men. She had intercourse with about 6 of them on several different occasions, some of which were repeats. She has confided that she feels great shame and regret for her actions. In the past 8 years, she has not had any face to face encounters with these or other men. She has continued to dabble in the internet world but only for "mindless fun" as she calls it. I'm confident she's telling the truth in this respect. She says the reason for all these adulterous relationships was that she needed emotional fulfillment, relational intimacy, and sexual intimacy. None of these things were available from her husband.

The dilema for me is how to encourage her as a friend. After what she went thru with her husband the first time for exposing a relationship that by comparison was quite mild compared to her later affairs, she can't bring herself to reveal her numerous sordid affairs to her husband. She can't bear the pain and hurt it would cause him let alone her family. I expect it would truly be devastating to her husband, kids, parents, and close friends if this was revealed. So what do I say to her? How do I encourage her?

Thanks for your thoughts.

Hi walls4us, welcome to Marriage Builders. It is great that you care enough about your friend to make such inquiries. The most caring and loving thing you can do is help your friend stop her self destructive behavior. What she is doing is more destructive than a heroin or painkiller addiction. In her case, there are obvious victims, ie: her husband, children and the wives and children of her adultery partners.

And how do you stop her? You print your post and take it to her husband and family. LEt them all know. What is hurting them is the secrecy. They cannot protect themselves from her destructive behavior if they don't know what she is doing.

If others know, they can hold her accountable. For example, if her husband decides to stay married to her, he could make it a precaution that she stay off computers since this is a condition that leads to her affairs. Her family and friends can help her stop this self destructive behavior.

I am sure you really care about your friend, and the way to demonstrate that care is to help her stop hurting herself and others. Keeping her secret is harmful to everyone. It helps no one and nothing other than her affairs because affairs thrive on secrecy. As her friend, you can help bring this to an end.

This is vital information about her husband's life that is being cruelly withheld from him. He has a right to know what she is doing to him behind his back so he can protect himself. He may choose to not stay married to a very promisicuous serial cheater and that should be his right, don't you think?

To deny him the right to make informed decisions about his own life is cruel and manipulative. Please don't be a part of that.

Another way to encourage her after you have exposed her affairs to her husband and children is to tell her you can't be her friend until she stops having affairs. Her faithless, shameful behavior precludes her as "friend" material.

Does your own husband know what she does?

Think of your friend as a heroin addict. The best thing you can do for her is to not keep her secret for her. Expose her affairs to her husband so that the addiction can be broken.

Walls,

Your friend is putting her BH, betrayed husband, at a very high risk of getting some horrible STD because she is involving herself in a very promiscuous community.

Condoms are not sure protection against small viruses like HPV or AIDs.

Her BH has to know the truth so he can monitor himself for HPV linked cancers for the rest of his life, and hopefully catch them while they are still curable.

http://www.cdc.gov/hpv/cancer.html

God Bless
Gamma

Obviously, she doesn't since she's continuing to live this life style.

If she feels such shame, why does she continue to live this way?

So her "confession" to you is for you to carry her burden and she feels relieved to continue?

So she obviously needs you to step up and do the right thing?

Are you going to actually be a real friend and do the right thing?

Is this women around your husband?

Is your friend bipolar or been diagnosed with anything?

She hasn't mentioned being bi-polar. She did think that she went thru a period of depression during her adulterous affairs. Perhaps it's a question I should ask. Guessing that she hasn't been diagnosed as such.

Are you going to tell her husband?

Affairs are addictions. It can't be solved in secret.

He will be very distraught, but also relieved to have an explanation. It is mysterious and stressful to have a spouse you know blames you for something, but you don't know what.

It's unlikely he can't meet her needs, this is what every addict says. They 'need' the addiction.

Don't ignore all the advice you've been given while addressing the most irrelevant response.

Think of your friend as an Addict. Are you going to continue to watch her ruin her life or are you going to step up and try and help her. Exposing the truth (at least to her Betrayed Husband - BH) is the the first step. Exposure is like staging an intervention for an Addict.

Walls4us,

A few thing you wrote popped out at me and may offer one explanation of why she is were she is in her marriage.

You wrote, She married him thinking he would change... For several years, the husband was depressed and withdrawn emotionally from her even more so than before....She says the reason for all these adulterous relationships was that she needed emotional fulfillment, relational intimacy, and sexual intimacy. None of these things were available from her husband.

It sounds like she started off her marriage without unconditional love for her H, and I'm going to guess he sensed he was a 2nd choice. Her cheating on him then confirmed this and he never recovered.

Its not that she cheats because he is depressed, he is depressed because she cheats. She can't get what she wants from her BH because she never allowed him to.

Does her BH consider you a friend of theirs?

God Bless
Gamma

I'm never quite sure why people believe the spiel about the distant spouse as though that has anything to do with it. Obviously someone arranging random internet hookups isn't quite expiring for lack of hugs from their husband. They've moved into a need for a high level of thrill that will get worse until they lose everything.

I'd put my money on the poor guy trying and failing to either talk to or touch his wife.

Yes I am confused at how her reasoning for seeking multiple affairs is that she needed emotional fulfillment, relational intimacy, and sexual intimacy. Trolling for random sex partners on the internet is clearly looking for the OPPOSITE of anything titled 'intimacy.'

If she was so unhappy with her husband when marrying him, to the point of thinking he needed to 'change', how did they have 10 happy years?

She initiated contact because she was trolling for someone to fill her unmet needs. This had nothing to do with 'closure.' Closure is called breaking up. He was receptive to having an affair, not closure.

So she DIDN'T feel shame and regret. Because if she did she would have revealed THE TRUTH but she didn't, she did a little number we call trickle truth. They went on to counseling, which was apparently helpful to her because, she knew the truth. Not so much for her BH, who was still in the dark about his own life. And shockingly, after that, he became depressed and withdrawn...

The REASON she became a serial cheater, is because she is a serial cheater trolling the internet for sex with random men. As I've already pointed out, any rational person would not buy into the reason for someone having 'sexual contact with upwards of 25 men' being that they were seeking *intimacy* good grief.

Why would you want to encourage her, that would not be friendly at all! She is living a VERY destructive lifestyle, that is life threatening to her and her poor BH who is completely in the dark about this! There is nothing to 'encourage' about her lifestyle at all!

What exactly did SHE go through? He was the one betrayed. She is selfishly hiding the truth, because revealing it would end her secret second life, not because she cares in the least about the pain and hurt it would cause. The only answer is telling the truth, and accepting the consequences.