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Joined: Mar 2013
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Megz Offline OP
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Since having to dive head-first into the world of affairs, I have found the "psychology" of it to be fascinating.
The other day I was in a book store and saw a book titled "Dating Game Secrets for Marrying a Good Man" by Alisa Goodwin Snell. I thought the title was funny so picked it up and skimmed the chapter titles. One that caught my eye was "Not all men can love...and loving them hurts", so I sat down and read it.
She talked about how some men (and women) simply don't know how to love another person, and that being in a relationship with them is difficult for a variety of reasons, one being the spouse/significant other rarely actually feels love (because they truly aren't loved), that outwardly they seem to be perfect but can't quite fully engage,especially if life isn't perfect. The case study she talked about sounded almost exactly like my marriage! It talks about how a person has to emotionally mature to actually be capable of real love, and emotional maturity is made up of three things: empathy, personal responsibility, and self-control.
Now perhaps I am dumping too much into this theory because of my own recent experiences, so I wondered what all of you thought about this theory in the context of affairs, etc. I certainly don't think this is the grand finale of relationship problems, but I did think it was a fascinating concept. As I examine my own experiences I think this probably played a part but I wonder if it is the same for all/most affairs?

Thoughts anyone?


Me: BW 33

Kids 11, 8, 6, 18 months
DDay 1/22/13
Plan B 6/21/13 long overdue
broke Plan B august 2013, my mistake
Divorce 6/30/14

Joined: Jun 2011
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It sounds quite patronising to me to label someone as any kind of immature. It's also a DJ to diagnose your spouse.

It's better to stick to: "these are my requirements" and if they are not met, leave. No need for diagnosis of any description in that equation.

Additionally Dr H has made it quite clear that anyone can have an affair in the right circumstances including himself.

Though in the dating world it is helpful to classify people as buyers, renters and freeloaders. That however boils down to how much they are willing to do in a relationship - not a diagnosis of their self.

That's because anyone can choose to upgrade at any time if they wish.

So it sounds like pop psychology to me.




What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by Megz
empathy, personal responsibility, and self-control.

When a person is in the middle of the addiction of an affair, empathy, personal responsibility and self-control all go by the wayside.

I agree with Indie. Pop culture analysis.

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Megz Offline OP
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Thanks Indie and Armymama, that made things much more clear! I did think it was a bit judgmental but was so close to my experiences, I guess I was reaching a bit.

Thanks, I love how strong you are!


Me: BW 33

Kids 11, 8, 6, 18 months
DDay 1/22/13
Plan B 6/21/13 long overdue
broke Plan B august 2013, my mistake
Divorce 6/30/14

Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,209
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Originally Posted by Megz
... "Not all men can love...and loving them hurts", ...She talked about how some men (and women) simply don't know how to love another person, and that being in a relationship with them is difficult for a variety of reasons, one being the spouse/significant other rarely actually feels love (because they truly aren't loved), that outwardly they seem to be perfect but can't quite fully engage,especially if life isn't perfect. The case study she talked about sounded almost exactly like my marriage! It talks about how a person has to emotionally mature to actually be capable of real love, and emotional maturity is made up of three things: empathy, personal responsibility, and self-control.

Thoughts anyone?

Just my own thoughts, FWIW...

I agree with the previous posters in that it isn't appropriate to DJ your spouse. I also agree that "the fog" of an affair can do crazy things and that a wayward, of course, will exhibit deficits in empathy, personal responsibility and self-control.

I would like to add some additional thoughts.

I believe that there are some men (AND women) who instinctively struggle with those things. Maybe they were never taught to be thoughtful or have emotional or neurological problems. They might fall into the category which Dr. Harley refers to as not "marriage material" for whatever reason.

If you were already married to someone like this, then I would say that the ideal course of action is to work together to change both of your instincts through positive habit formation. People can change, little by little and build emotional connections. But since you are not married, and might be looking for a relationship in the future, then I would proceed with caution and follow Dr. Harley's advice which he just gave to another poster on this site.

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
BHINWI:

Whenever I do premarital counseling, I check to see that both partners are emotionally fit to be married. By that, I mean that neither suffers from an emotional disorder, or drug, alcohol, or sexual addiction that would interfere with their ability to care for each other. As you may well imagine, there are many who don't pass my scrutiny. When they don't, I recommend a treatment plan to help eliminate the disorder or addiction that is making their lives dysfunctional.

I also encourage them to talk with each other's previous romantic partners, especially those they have divorced. What is the perspective of someone who actually lived with that person in an intimate relationship? Did they notice anything that could have its roots in emotional disorders or addiction? Sometimes mood swings are not noticed until you've seen a person for over a year. While that advice is often ignored, years later when they run into trouble they wish they had followed it.

The past is the best predictor of the future, and if your friend's obvious problem with mood control has been a long-term problem, she should have an evaluation by a clinical psychologist licensed to diagnose mental disorders. If it has been a recent occurrence, she should see a neurologist for the possibility of a neurological disease that could be its root cause. But regardless of the cause, I'd postpone any commitment to this relationship until it can be diagnosed and treated effectively. She does not have to go through life with these symptoms if they are treated properly. If she does not have them treated, your relationship with her could turn out to be very miserable for both of you.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley



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