Hi, I'm new to this forum and need some perspectives/advice on my situation. A little bit about us..I have been married for 5 years, and we dated over a 1 year in a long distance relationship. We first met online and I thought that our marriage was stable. The normal ups and downs but in general I always thought we were in a good,stable and caring relationship. We both grew up in conservative families and we shared a lot of common interests and future dreams. We have no kids,we are financially stable, middle-upper class family.First marriage for her, second for me.

So, we always dreamed about travelling. Two years ago, my company gave me the opportunity to move to a different country for a temporary assignment. We were both really excited about this new job. Better salary, new location. After 7 months things started to change and my wife happiness was going away. She started complaining, crying and getting very depressed about not having friends. I asked her if she wanted us to go back home. Her answer was no,she wanted to stay to support my career. Eventually, she decided to look for a job to have a distraction. Her new job was perfect, she started going out and making new friends.

The roller coaster-Everything started with a gut feeling..excessive time at the computer, large cash withdraws from the ATM,excessive preoccupation with her appearance, etc. I first thought I was insecure, after checking our emails I found the first symptom that something was going on. I found these inappropriate conversations with a co-worker. He was inviting her to his place for some "private" time. I was in shock and in denial. I confronted her and I received the usual response, "it is just a friend". We talked about it and she agreed to establish boundaries with this "new friend". The problem is that as I discovered later, she already had feelings for the OM. The OM initially agreed to keep distance but my WW keep obsessed about keeping him around as a "friend".

My first mistake, I thought things were getting better.. She suddenly started caring more about me, going out more often together, more intimacy etc. The "improvements" lasted just a couple of days. Suddenly she was getting mad every time I wanted to go out with her. So, I decided to test the waters.. she wanted to go out and do some "shopping" while I stayed at home. After she left our house and I went out to check her whereabouts, as expected, I saw my WW getting into the car with the OM to go to his place. I called her, confronted her and my WW turned off her cell phone.

After she returned back to our house she said "it is not what you are thinking". My second mistake, believing her lies. I asked her to leave the job and she was in total denial. I talked to a friend we have in common at her job and he told me they were going out for lunches, holding hands and all that stuff. I decided to make radical changes. I took a big decision, I quit my job of 10 years and decided to go back to the USA. I told our families about her affair. She saw me packing and her reaction was to run and stay with the OM. She can't stay in the foreign country since I am sponsoring her, I explained that to her so she decided to "try" and stop the affair. She resigned from her job and in 6 more days were are going back home.

After my WW resigned from her job she was remorseful and said she is willing to save our marriage. But affairs as Dr. Harley explained are just like addictions. She stopped contacting the OM for a few days. She talked to him that it was over but still after that, I found she had been trying to contact him (opening secret email accounts). In one of her last communications she still insist to the OM about how she would like to keep contact with him even after moving back, that she will like to see what happen to our marriage. I confronted her again and she agreed to gave up her computer. She confessed it was not only an emotional affair but it was a PA. This is just horrible, she showed me letters she sent him and how she was planning on leaving me, making secret plans with the OM. I am not trying to justify the OM because he always knew she was married, but is it is terrible to know that my WW was the one chasing the OM. I know she can still contact him at work, she disconnected her cellphone and is no longer using the computer at home. My hope is she get out of the affair fog after we go back home.

Please pray for me..

Hi Sealife, welcome to Marriage Buildrs. You have done some very smart things, such as planning to move back to the US and exposing her affair. I would take that a step further and expose to the OM's family, friends and workplace. He very probably has a girlfriend or a wife and is not going to tolerate too much conflict from an angry husband over some side action. OM are abject cowards so if you cause him much trouble, it is likely run can run him off.

In the meantime, I would focus on affair proofing your marriage and creating a romantic marriage. One thing that really stands out here is that your wife has opposite sex friendships. That is how all affairs start so I would start by eliminating those.

The program for recovery is in the book Surviving an Affair. You can download it on kindle or buy it in most bookstores.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Hi MelodyLane:

Thanks for your quick response. The OM is single and I told my WW that if the communication continues I will call the OM workplace.

That's where I would begin. Informing the workplace will help you immensely because if they are informed, they can watch the OM. They won't like him using work resources to conduct an illicit affair. And they also know you could sue them for this affair if you were so inclined. If you will check out the exposure link in my signature, there is a workplace exposure letter that was developed by one of our board members, a corporate attorney.

Do you have access to the OM's facebook page?

Workplace exposure letter - be sure and send to 3 key people and cc each on the letter. Good targets would be the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both affairee's supervisor. This can be sent via registered letter or even via email!

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney--

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

Yes, I have access to the OM's Facebook. The OM parents also found out about all this, and they are totally against it. I can't believe that my WW introduced herself to the OM family when everyone know she is married. That is not how we grew up, her family is totally devastated.

I would go to his facebook page and copy and paste all his contacts into a text doc for safekeeping. Have you personally spoken to his parents?

No, not personally. I saw a communication from the OM were he told my WW that his parents are totally against the relationship.

I would contact them directly and tell them all about the affair and ask to keep their creepy son away. I would also expose it to his family members and close friends on facebook. This guy is not going to stay away unless you run him off. We have instructions and letter templates on my exposure thread. Everyone should know what this dirtbag has done. That is your best chance at keeping him away for good.

Exposure is the most powerful weapon you have against the affair, Sealife. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing them RUINS the fantasy. When others are looking on with horror, the affair loses its attraction quickly. In your case, you need to kill this affair DEAD so it doesn't become more entrenched. If you don't kill it now, it can rise from the dead and since it will be a long distance affair, it can last for YEARS. That is why I would kill it while you have it on the ropes.

Let me put this another way. Exposure kills affairs. Threatening to expose does nothing except inform your enemy of your battle plan so can he can continue the affair.

I agree. I need to keep exposing the affair to others.

Im preparing the letter. Thanks for your advice.

You are very welcome! I would make up a list and get all your exposures done asap, within the same 24 hour period. That way you can catch the OM by surprise, get it all over with and move onto next steps. Doing it all in the same day creates a tsunami effect that is hard to overcome. A good exposure list for your situation would look like this:

1. OM's parents
2. HR Director, key VP and his supervisor at his workplace
3. his family and friends on facebook, using the facebook exposure methods on my exposure thread
4. any remaining family and close friends on you and your wife's side

I am impressed with you. You are on board with what you have to do to save your marriage. The odds favor your success because of that.

OM are deceivers. They demonize the BH. You are cast into the role of the guy who doesn't care; who would drag his wife away from family and friends all to satisfy his own selfish wishes. Of course, the OM is actually perfectly describing himself, but the fog prevents the WW from seeing that. She thinks the OM is the guy who really cares and looks out for her. Bold moves, such as quitting your job and moving back to the USA, prove those accusations to be all wrong. You are demonstrating that your marriage comes first with you. In time, your wife will get it. Stay the course and follow through as you are being advised here. Your marriage will survive this.

Thank you. I have 5 more days before we fly back home. All this happened in less than a month and still feel like a nightmare. I could never had imagined my wife having an affair, I thought that was impossible. She is still acting a little bit disconnected but the relationship is doing some improvements. We talked a lot about everything and the OM is a big loser.

I have a question. I have been reading in this forum that men should keep as long as possible in plan A. So, that means that we have no hope if we go to plan B?

You are not without hope if you go in Plan B, but from what you have said, there is no reason for you to do that. Plan A is what you should do. Don't waste your time thinking about Plan B right now. While I am certain you feel like you just can't take any more, this is normal and you are doing the right things. What you may need is some medication to get you through this. I needed medication, and it helped me immensely. You should talk to a doctor about this.

No, it just takes into account the differences between men and women.

There are two things I am aware of:

1. For whatever reason, women in general cannot endure Plan A for as long. They will start to have health problems very quickly from the stress of it all. Men, in general, are more resilient in this respect. So women are encouraged to not stay in Plan A very long because of the health risks.

2. For whatever reason, women in general, are not very successful in wooing a wayward spouse back into a relationship with them.

So it's not that there is no hope for a man in Plan B. It's just that, in general, men and women are different, and Dr Harley takes that into account with what he recommends.

Sealife, as long as you kill this affair dead while you have it on the ropes, I don't see Plan B in your future at all. She is foggy now, but moving will take care of that AS LONG AS SHE ENDS ALL CONTACT NOW. If they are still in contact in any way, the fog will remain and your life will be a death of thousand cuts. This is why it is so important to kill the affair by exposing it.


Did you complete your exposures? Did you have any questions about doing so?

Will she send the dirtbag a no contact letter as outlined in Surviving an Affair?

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Update here. I sent some letters to continue exposing my WW. I also need to update some family members who thought it was just an emotional affair. I am waiting to go back home to talk in person with my mother-in law, she is very depressed after I told her why the come back. My father-in law is neutral, I understand is his daughter.

My WW is in the withdrawal process, still struggling so I am very clear she still in the fog. After reading some of the communications she had with the OM it is obvious this guy was just playing with her. She thought there was a future with the coward but the OM is making her clear he was not planning on any long term commitments. I always told my WW since my first suspicions that the OM was a player.